She Mounts Malice Over Her Lover’s Zeal For Me

Dear Agatha,

Please I want to use this opportunity to tell you that I like the way you handle issues and solve other people’s problem. I pray for God’s strength and blessings for you.

I have this problem currently disturbing me. It has to do with a colleague in the office I share sitting space with. This has naturally made us close to the extent that we share intimate information about our lives.

Our closeness also made me close to her boyfriend who comes to the office regularly. I was surprise however when he called me on my phone, on the night my friend told me she was going to his house to spend the night, to chat me up. In the first instance, I can’t remember giving him my number, hence the surprise at how he got my number which soon cleared out as he got it from my friend’s phone.

He told me he has started falling in love with me and when I asked him about his girlfriend and how he proposes to go about it, he told me not to worry about my colleague that she was a big girl.

The next day in the office, I could not hold back on what her boyfriend did. So, I called my friend to warn her to be very careful, explaining what her boyfriend told me. My concern was for her not to get hurt.

At the end of the day, I observed that she and the man were no longer dating. I also noticed she became very cold towards me, but what shocked me the most was her telling me to go ahead and date the man if I so desire. After that she kept her distance from me.

So worried am I about the whole episode that I told other people about it. They said she would one day get over it and we would become friends again.

Agatha, I am so worried, I want you to help me because I don’t know how to keep malice with someone.

Olivia.

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Dear Olivia,

The mistake you made was to have divulged such information to someone who is just an office friend. That you share intimate secrets on account of your sitting arrangement doesn’t make both of you that kind of friends. A friendship must be well founded on trust and confidence to be able to withstand the kind of information you gave her concerning the suitability of her boyfriend.

Yes, you meant well and did what a good friend should ordinarily do, but when it comes to matters as sensitive as this, not everybody has the maturity to handle it.

What this has simply shown is that beyond the office friendship you have, both of you lack the bridge of understanding a friendship needs to withstand storms. Friendship goes beyond sharing intimate information. It is loyalty, selflessness and trust. On your part, you have actually succeeded in building loyalty, but she is yet to move away from seeing you just as an office friend.

But as a friend, you must understand her reactions come from hurt for the embarrassment caused her by a boyfriend she probably thought was the ideal man until this ugly incident.

Your coming to her to give her that type of information threw up many questions in her hearts. The first is how did he get your number and for how long have both of you been communicating without her knowledge of it? Another point that would be agitating her mind now is when it all started, precisely when you two got to the stage of him falling in love with you. Because she doesn’t know you enough, she can’t trust your motive for telling her hence her reactions to you.

For now, let her be, don’t force her to be your friend or join her in the malice game either. Her reactions may not be against you directly, but at the betrayal of a man she obviously loved and trusted.

If you cannot cope without talking to your office neighbour, ask someone to change places with you. And if that is impossible without you getting the approval of your boss, confide in your boss your predicament and why you would appreciate getting another sitting space.

This way the tension of seeing her everyday and not being able to share confidential notes like you once did would resolved to enable you concentrate more on your work.

I agree that overtime, when her pains, anger and disappointment are over, she would come to appreciate what you did for her. But until then, try to avoid her.

Good luck.