Dated for eight years, married as virgins, but…

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I need your help. I am a born-again Christian. I got married recently after eight solid years of courtship. I had an agreement with my wife, then fiancée, that we would not engage in lovemaking till we were lawfully wedded. I met her a virgin. During the eight years of courtship we had reasons to sleep all alone in the same room severally yet we kept our vow to God and ourselves that we will not go beyond a particular point. I was so serious about it that I told her that if I lost my cool anytime and pressed her for lovemaking, she should slap me so I could come back to my senses. And that if she allowed me, I would not marry her again. However, we engaged in some romance, kissing and other deep touches around the boobs. I do not want to go specific for the sake of decency. All through we did not do any form of sexual intercourse. After our wedding, one night after our being intimate, I just had a knowing that there was something she did that she didn’t tell me. Something I felt amounted to betrayal. So I asked her if any other person has seen any of her private parts. I begged her to be truthful. I was shocked when she told me that the president of their school fellowship – the man I have greeted a number of times on phone as her fiancée when she was in school, several years into our courtship. She was schooling in another region from where I lived. It is a long story but the summary is, the guy came visiting, stayed until he claimed it was too late for him to get a vehicle home. She agreed to house him for the night, gave him another room. After a while, he came to say he wanted to sleep in the same room and on the same bed with her and promised that nothing would happen. Gullibly, she agreed but they eventually engaged in very deep romance to the extent that she confessed the guy did not even want to go as far as she wanted him to. Agatha, she told me she was the one who requested the guy to suck her boobs and the guy did. The only thing they did not do is actual lovemaking. I felt betrayed, I felt let down. I didn’t and still don’t understand why she did it. We were both virgins before we married and I had more reasons to stumble as a man because a man is attracted by what he sees. I saw a lot in this our present age and even had instances of ladies throwing themselves at me and some even came directly and asked in plain language but I resisted not because I didn’t feel like, but just for two reasons – God and my fiancée. I trusted her completely. When I put it to her that if we had been engaged in sexual intercourse, she would have gone all the way with the guy and she couldn’t object. The only reason she didn’t go to that extent was because we had not been there together. I tried to forgive her after some days because she did not waste time before confessing when I asked her. If she had denied there was nothing I would have done since all I had was this strong guts, feelings of what happened. I had no physical evidence. Still I cannot stop asking why? I can’t forget. Please help. Why do you think it happened? What does this say of her kind of person and strength of discipline? What should I do? Confused Husband. Dear Confused Husband, That she didn’t go the whole way underscores her level of discipline to an extent. The mistake was allowing the man close to her in the first place. The chemistry between a man and woman can go haywire if given the chance to. All the conditions for that chemistry to go wild were available – they were both in a room together – one in the bed together and two in the dead of the night. The man came prepared from the beginning of his visit to seduce her. She may not know it at the time but given the pent up emotions and longing inside her, something in her wanted it that night. Her body was curious to be taken to the next level – it had nothing to do with you or her love for you. It was a pure animalistic urge; she lacked the experience and strength to stop it, because you imposed the rules, not her. Her body was ripe for the plucking, you had her all hot by the extent you went, got her curious to know what the final and ultimate thing would be like. Not many women can resist the situation you created for her. Women are very romantic creatures. At that time of the night her senses of right were dulled by the proximity of his body, his smell and touch. Perhaps she would have gone all the way but she didn’t. At least both of them had the decency to end whatever they felt that night. Dating a woman for eight years without making actual love to her while you mindlessly romanced her was too much of a temptation to her. She must have been properly brought up for her to survive the ordeal of being taking that far and left to cool off again. You were able to resist the temptations of other women because the decision to abstain from sex until your wedding night came from you. Over the years, you held and developed the will to fulfill this dream. She on the other hand had to bend to your rules. I am not saying she is right but you have to understand the premise in which this incident happened. We are all not equipped equally to handle emotional feelings this same way. It takes the special grace of God for people like you not to fall. If prominent men of God capitulate to the lure of the flesh, how much more those not so gifted? Besides, like you rightly observed, she could have easily lied about it, but she, despite being aware of the huge implication of telling the truth, took the risk to. It can only mean one thing; she also regretted that incident and she would never do it again. Marriage is peppered with so many challenges. Nobody including you is perfect. To stand a pedestal of purity and righteousness won’t do your marriage any good because one day, you too will need the understanding and forgiveness of your wife to scale a particular hurdle in your marriage. If you don’t learn to forgive and understand that ‘in imperfection we were born and that our best efforts are pure filth before God’, you will never be able to live in peace with your wife. The important thing here is that, you still met her a virgin. At that time, the incident happened; she had the choice to go the whole way and damn what will happen thereafter. Just like you, the other man too found something precious and unique about her; he too would have loved the chance to marry her hence his decision not to further compromise her. This is just the beginning of many instances when situation will put your trust for each other on trial; as the head of the home, you must develop the strength to resist. Forgiveness is divine. If you don’t learn to forgive and forget, you will be putting a very huge wedge between your marriage and happiness because marital pendulum is always shifting to and fro – shifting blames from one end to the other. Being born-again is no guarantee against human errors. Besides, your life started on the day you both signed the dotted lines before God and man. This is what counts, the beginning of new dreams. If you don’t forgive, you also don’t enjoy the healing balm of forgiveness. As a born-again you must know how important this is to our salvation. Accept the apologies of your wife so that your mind can be free to settle down to the business of building your home, life and dreams. Marriage is a journey of tremendous sacrifices, selflessness, forgiveness, wisdom and tolerance. It takes more than love to absolute faith in each other and prayers to make the difference. She is part of you, fallible but one you have elected to spend your life with. If you cannot forgive her of this one slip she made in the eight years you dated her before you married her, then something is wrong somewhere. This is the kind of thing that gives character, definition and colour to a marriage – it is the story of hope for another couple tomorrow. Pray and be the friend your wife needs now to be a good woman. Good luck.

He wants me pregnant before wedding…

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am three years older than my boyfriend and we have been dating for the past six years. Recently, he travelled out of the country, but we talk almost every day. He informed me during one of our discussions that he desires I get pregnant immediately he comes back home. According to him, my getting pregnant would hasten the process of our getting married. But I don’t want to hurt my parents by getting pregnant. Besides I want to get married in the church and not the way he is planning the whole event. When I told him I wasn’t ready to get pregnant or do as he wished, he said I wasn’t ready to get married. Please advise me on what to do. Betty. Dear Betty, This is the junction in your life you get real with yourself. The more you pretend to be who and what you are not, the more complex and complicated your life would be later in life. One thing you have to get right here is that ‘this is your life’. Your parents, friends, siblings all are living their own kinds of lives. If at the end of the day you are unhappy with the choice you made in your bid to please others, you will have nobody but yourself to blame. If your major concern is what your parents would say about the proposal of your boyfriend, the real question here is, are you not sleeping with your boyfriend? When a man and woman sleep together, what happens? Is that not itself contradicting your so-called current position? You want your parents and the church to think you are still a virgin when in actual fact you are not? What you are trying to do is deceive the church and your family into thinking you have remained faithful to their teachings when in reality you have failed them by having premarital sex with the same man you don’t want to get pregnant for now. Is that not a little bit of hypocritical? God sees our most hidden secrets; nothing is ever hidden from His all-knowing eyes. So you are not deceiving anyone but yourself at the end of the day. Many marital challenges women face in their later years would have been avoided by being truthful from the beginning. You stand to gain more from life by being honest with yourself. This is important if you want to enjoy marriage. Your objection to his suggestions would have been understood if you had refrained from sleeping with him from the beginning of your relationship. He would have understood where you are coming from. The fact that you have both been sexually involved gave him all the right to make this suggestion. After six years of being together, dreaming and planning a life together, your answers to his suggestions should have been measured, not immediate as you told him. Transiting a relationship into marriage requires a lot of wisdom and prayers. Definitely you have the right to be angry at his suggestion, which presupposes that you either have problems getting pregnant or a tool of bargain with his family to accept his decision to marry you. If it is the latter reason, you should commend him not fight him for suggesting it as a watertight option for both of you to be happy together. The wise thing would have been for you to wait for him to come back to the country before voicing your objections. Sensitive issues like this are best discussed when both parties are together. You would have been able to argue and iron out all the rough edges without provoking a crisis in your six-year-old relationship. As it is now, unless you take the step to reopen discussions with him on the subject, this relationship is on very shaky grounds especially as he is out of the country. Anything can happen; a tiny distraction with a woman down there may see him deciding to stay there forever. Because he is angry with you, he may not bother to rethink his hasty decision over until too late. Honestly, what you should have objected to isn’t what he said; many men in his shoes would have done the same but his lack of absolute commitment to the dreams you both share. Asking you to get pregnant before he marries you is like asking for insurance against barrenness. This is what you should have protested against not what your parents and church would say to you being pregnant before the wedding day. He had no right to ask this of you unless he isn’t comfortable with three years age difference between the two of you as well as the kinds of risks you have taken with him. If you weren’t too wrapped up in your own anger, you would have been able to read between the lines and deduce what his real fears are. Though you didn’t give your ages, but if you have been together for six years, you are in your prime now. Men don’t think the way women do when it comes to the issue of a woman’s reproductive years. Rightly or wrongly he may feel that being three years older than he is, you may have challenges getting pregnant unlike a younger woman. This has nothing to do with the way he feels about you. He must love you enough to have stayed with you for six years despite knowing he is younger by three years. But he is a man with some responsibilities to himself and family. Every man desires to procreate himself someday. Deep inside of him, he is afraid of what would become of him later in life. As one who has shared his space for the past six years, you should have recognized what his real fears were and taken steps to assure him. You could with good wisdom dispel his fears and gotten him to do your bidding without him being aware of it. Every man has an ego that has to be constantly massaged by the woman in his life. All you needed to do at the time is to patiently plead with him to come back home first. Once home, a combined effort of your maturity, understanding and respect for him would have made him realise what he would be missing in you should you decide to leave him. The bottom line of all these is that you haven’t really been able to grow the relationship beyond that point you both started with. If you had, you would have been more sensitive to the ways of your man and taken steps to avert a major disagreement like you are having now. But beyond your anger are the issues of what you want and the importance of the relationship to you. Should he make good his promise not to continue with the relationship, how would you really feel? What would you be missing about him? Would your parents’ presence be enough to erase him from your mind and memories? From my experience there are certain things prayers alone cannot achieve; you must act to make it work. There is no success without pains. No perfection without sacrifices. What are you willing to do to save this relationship from the abyss? What would be more pleasing to your parents and you at the end of the day? Having children or having a virginal wedding? Some things are meant to last forever. Would pretending to be a good girl to your parents and church on your wedding day give you the melting warmth of a baby’s soft cuddle or the winning smile of a naughty teenager? How would you feel if you hear he is married to another woman; would you be glad that at news or cry at the folly of your decision? This is the point you have to be very clear about what you want from him and life. He has told you what he wants from you. Are you ready to? How much do you really love this man? What kinds of sacrifices are you willing to make for this relationship to work? Once you are clear about what you want, call him if he is still abroad and ask him one question aimed at helping you resolve the issue finally. The question is: what would happen to the relationship if you were unable to get pregnant? This way you will be transferring the burden of guilt and decision to him. His answer will definitely point you at the direction to go. Good luck.

Can this religious brick wall between us be brought down?

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I am 26 years old. I am a Christian but I come from a very strong Muslim background. I am going to church because I stay with my grandmother who is very liberal. But she alone cannot confront the combined affront of the family. My father, who is an Imam, is unaware of my new religion. He is so ferocious; he won’t hesitate to disown me as his own. My mother, on the other hand, lacks the guts to face her husband, therefore getting any form of support for my quest to marry my boyfriend of two years, who is a Christian, is totally out of it. Since meeting him, I have become more focused and definite about so many things about my life. But for his unflinching support, I would never have graduated from school. During my final year, he was there by my side giving me every bit of support I needed to sail through. He actually helped to clear all my outstanding fees as well as mend fences between me and some of the lecturers who didn’t want me to graduate. He has a way with people; it is his special gift. How he did it, I don’t know; but all I knew was that I was cleared. I stopped associating with the friends who got me into problems in the first place. He has proposed to me and I have accepted. He has even gone as far as taking me to see his parents and family members. They are now asking to see mine. My grandmother has drawn the line. She said she lacked the authority as my maternal grandmother to go to my father because he is as stubborn as a nail. Another reason why my father would want me dead is because I am six weeks pregnant. I want everything done before my state becomes obvious. My mother, whom I told about my state, begged me not to reveal she knows anything about my boyfriend let alone my state. I am so scared. Please help me. Sheri. Dear Sheri, He has to be told irrespective of his temper or beliefs. Since none of you can go to him directly, there must be somebody in the family; someone he respects and listens to who can go on your behalf to him. The essence of getting a third party involved is to prevent you from the shock of his first reactions. At least the person’s presence would have significantly watered down his anger and disappointment at your conduct. His anger would have expired before you meet him. Ultimately, you have to face him because he is your father. At this stage, there is nothing you can do about what you feel for your boyfriend or the fact that you are already expecting his child. Despite being a religious leader, first and foremost he is your father. His religion and beliefs cannot erase that. Whatever he is, he is secondary to his role as a father in your life, which means you just have to face him as a daughter to her father. He doesn’t have the right to deny you this. It is his responsibility to at least hear what you have to say. Deep down, there is a father underneath everything that he has clothed himself with. No parent, no matter how strict or unreasonable, would bear to see his or her child suffer. Your pains are his, so you must grow the maturity of making him see reason. Your mother and maternal grandmother don’t occupy the same position as you do in his life. So, whatever your misgivings are, be bold enough to go after the intermediary has informed him. Explain everything to him; including your decision to marry a man who isn’t a Muslim. To reduce the many battles you have to fight at this initial stage, wisdom demands that you should keep the information about your conversion from him for now. It would be too much of a problem for you to manage on your own since both your mother and grandmother are shying away from mediating. The important thing here is to get him to allow you marry the man of your choice. There is no way he can force you to follow his dictates after you have married. It is also important you assure him that you didn’t get pregnant deliberately to tie his hands in this matter. This discussion should be between you and him. Don’t forget he has a reputation to protect so would not want anybody to witness whatever concession he was going to make for you. You must also not forget that your new religion is strange to him, against everything he has known so he is bound to be bitter but your maturity would definitely make a lot of difference. This isn’t time for you to be stubborn or heady. In everyway, he has a right to be angry with you but you can change him by being humble and sensitive to his feelings. This way you will have the understanding and patience to deal with him. Besides, how would you feel if the child you are carrying in your womb grows up to hurt you? Yes, true love is blind and deaf to what others consider important but you must try to win him over first. Go after your own happiness only when it appears impossible to change his mind. It would also help to inform your boyfriend’s family of what to expect whenever they visit your family. Let your boyfriend’s mother meet with your grandmother and mother first. Women have a way of going around issues like this. After all, you are pregnant with their grandchild. Above all, learn to pray. There is nothing or situation prayers cannot achieve. Good luck.

He won’t forgive me for forgetting his mother’s birthday

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have been married for four years. Ordinarily my husband is caring and responsible but since marrying him, he has persistently done certain things that are beginning to make me wonder if he thinks of me at all. Since getting married to him, he has never remembered my birthday let alone buying me gifts. But I have never failed to remember his birthdays and to buy him gifts. I wouldn’t have minded if he also doesn’t remember his children’s birthdays. Since we became parents, there is nothing concerning his children special days he doesn’t remember. He not only remembers but also makes it a family celebration. He would take time out to take us all out. He also remembers his mother’s birthdays. He never fails too to give me more than enough money to buy her presents. Whenever I ask why it is only my birthdays, he forgets, he would mumble something about being too busy. Although he would bring my gift the next day, but then it won’t be my birthday gift, more of apology gift. Since he has consistently treated my birthday as a non-issue in the last couple of years, I deliberately forgot his as well as his mother’s to show him how it feels not to be remembered by the one you love the most in the world. The fact that I forgot his mother’s birthday is now causing so many problems in our home – more than I bargained for. Since June, he has refused to talk to me; he says I am wicked and uncaring. He also described me as being cruel to his mother. The fact that he knew I did it deliberately is what is making him very angry. I am fed up of everything and just want my husband back, but he is making peace between us impossible to negotiate. He only talks to me when there are people around or his children are with us. In the bedroom, he sleeps on a small mattress he bought for his study room. When I make attempts to touch him, he pushes me off him; he hasn’t looked my way since the incident. I can’t continue like this. What can I do to have him back in my arms? I love him so much. Eyiwunmi. Dear Eyiwunmi, Beg him! Two wrongs can never be right. So what if he forgets your birthday? How many men remember their wives’ birthdays? You are not his child so why should he remember your birthday the way he remembers those of his children? If he doesn’t remember his children’s birthdays, who will? He remembers his children special days because he helped to create them. There is no way he ever forget the anxiety of bringing them into the world. Therefore it is natural for him to always remember those days just as your father remembered yours while you were still at home. He will also not forget his mother’s birthday because of the history they shared together. No matter the position you now occupy in his life, his relationship with his mother predates yours and can never be replaced by you. No matter your anger against your husband, you should never have taken it out on his mother. You were wrong to exhibit such a behaviour towards a woman who gave birth to the man you love most in the world. The fact that she trained him to be caring and responsible like you said, should that be a reason for you to always show appreciation to her? Besides, she deserves every attention she can get at her age. How would you feel if the wife of your son stops him from celebrating you in your old age? She has worked to be where your husband is today so don’t ever begrudge whatever he spends on her or the quality of attention he bestows on her. It is her right, her moment to reap what she sowed years back. The fact that he has ignored you for almost two months after the incident happened, explains his hurt and disappointment at your conduct. You have been married to this man for four years and should have known issues very close to his heart. There is no way, you will live with someone for a year and not know the values of such a person. Even if you wanted to pay him back in his coins, you should have chosen to his own birthday to do that, not his mother’s. It’s not as if his mother is supporting him to ignore your birthday. In addition, the fact that he always comes back home with gifts the day after your birthday shows that he isn’t completely indifferent to your birthday. Not many men would even think it appropriate to buy an ‘apology gift’ as you call it for their wives after her birthday. Marriage is about accepting the limitations of the other person and appreciating the person’s strength. Besides wisdom demands that certain issues be tackled with diplomacy. As a wife and mother, you must at all times find a balance in your dealings with your family members. Had you used either his own birthday or his children’s to drive home your point, he wouldn’t have taken it to heart the way he is taking your actions against his mother. Now he thinks you don’t like his mother at all. It will take you quite an effort to make him see reasons with you, make him forget that you can be mean to his mother. Since he is very close to his mother, she is the only one that can settle this matter. You may not like the idea of going to her but at the point your marriage has gotten to now, you need to do something very urgently. The more you sleep apart the more danger you expose your home and family. He is angry and very vulnerable to the manipulation of a crafty woman. This is a dangerous gulf you must not allow to continue. If it means telling his mother everything, do it fast. Men aren’t as patient when it comes to the issue of intimacy. You may be able to endure it, but he won’t be able for too long. There are too many attractive women out there for you to ignore the real danger this situation presents to your home. In soliciting for her assistance, apologise for deliberately forgetting her birthday. Tell her the truth and why you thought it was a good idea then. As a woman, she would understand the sentiments of your action especially if you have never had any issue with her before. Follow this by trying to win him back with the pleasant memories of your life together before this unfortunate incident. Cook him his favourite meal, the kind you know he can’t resist. Make sure his children are up and waiting for him when he comes back. Since he can’t resist his children, he would be forced to eat the meal. Use that opportunity to touch him, whisper your apologies into his ears, bathed in your most seductive perfume. For once, ignore the children while you commence your wooing game. Present him with the best gift you know he likes; go into the bedroom to wear one of your most sinful nightgowns; the kind no sane man can resist. The idea is to get him to touch you. I am sure once you are able to break into his wall of defence, getting him to listen to your apologies won’t be that difficult anymore. If you need to use an adult film to water down his stubborn resistance, do it provided you achieve your aim of getting him back in your bed and arms. After that go on your knees to properly say sorry to him. If your wish is to have him celebrate your birthday, make sure you start reminding him about a month to the time. Begin a countdown process; on the day, wake him up with a kiss reminding him that you are glad to be alive. Order a cake for the family, plus a special meal. This way, he can’t but remember to get you something special. There are always better alternatives to every situation as long as we are willing to apply our minds to these alternatives. Always place God on your front burner. Good luck.

I’m desperate to marry my handsome pastor…

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I need your help desperately. There is this new pastor, recently posted to our branch. He is one of the most handsome men I have ever come across. Since he has resumed work, I have done everything to make him acknowledge my presence, which he has informed my given heavy financial contributions to church programmes. The issue now is, I am not the only one gunning for his attention. So many single girls in the church too have similar ideas. As a matter of fact, one of the biggest girls in the church recently bought him a new KIA Sports Utility Vehicle (SUV), making it impossible for me to think of what to get him to equal this exotic gift. From my investigations, she is already visiting him at home, under the pretense of wanting to help him cook and clean the house. I have waited for the opportunity to marry the man of my dreams. I will be 40 in August. He happens to be the one I want the most. I am ready to do anything to beat my main competitor for his heart. Please tell me how to go about it in terms of behaviour, dressing or the kinds of gifts I should buy him. God has even showed me through dreams that I got married to him. The dream has kept coming back almost in the same way. The frequency of the dreams is all the proof I need that God has indeed answered my prayers this time around. My dreams always come true. I have fasted for too long for this special moment in my life. I have been to many churches in my quest to marry. I just know my time is right with the posting of this pastor to our branch. But you know heavens help those who help themselves. I have even offered to join the ushers to enable him observe me better. I am very desperate and would forever remain indebted to you if you can use your gift to get this man to marry me. Maureen. Dear Maureen, First, if it is the will of God that you and this man end up as an item, your worries are then baseless just as the other lady’s efforts at attracting him to her side will end up a failure. This is because there is nothing none of you can do on your own without the express permission of God who sees the end from the beginning. And since you are so sure that God reveals things to you, those dreams of yours should act as double assurances that He has heard your prayers concerning your desires to marry. One thing you should know about God is His ability to accomplish what He says He would do. But many a time, we ignore Him and His ways to source for our own happiness. At 40, what kinds of mistakes have you been making since you came of age? What kinds of opportunities did you throw away that are unwittingly making you to start all over again? Faith and desperation do not go together; neither can good wisdom abide with someone who is crafty and calculative. You cannot claim to be God’s own without having implicit confidence in His ways and decisions. One of the ways to become totally dependent on God is to serving with a motive. You don’t go to church, contribute to the growth of a church or the pastor’s life because of what you hope to get. You do these things to honour God in your life, nothing more, nothing less. You have become blinded by your desperate desires to marry and also deaf to His words. Sincerely you are getting everything wrong in your relationship with God. This is no way to serve God or be a worker in His vineyard. If the motive of going to church is to get a husband at all cost, what time do you have to listen to His words or presence of mind to hear from Him? He may have given you your answers long ago but distraction is causing you to turn blind eyes and ears to His will. If God doesn’t place your favour in his eyes and heart, you can be the only usher in the church and he still won’t notice you if God doesn’t want him to. You could even be the most gorgeous and successful woman in the church and he still wouldn’t think of you along the line you want him to if both of you are not meant to be. So it isn’t how you are dressed, how respectful you are or the kinds of gifts you buy for him that would count at the end of the day. Rather, it is what God wants for both of you. Having been to so many churches should have told you that it isn’t the efforts we put into playing god in our lives that give us solutions to our problems but being right with God. Besides, what makes you think he is the right one for you? Is it on account of his looks or what? Beyond being your pastor, what do you know about him, his character and person? Do you know if he is married or has a woman he is intended to in his life? Given the fact that you are about 40, he must be somewhere in that region. Do you think at his age and with his good looks, he would still be single and available for grabs? There is more to being married than wearing the wedding gown and posing happily in front of the camera and well wishers. Marriage peels us bare of everything that is attractive; it reveals our true nature for our partner to see. It takes a lot of dosages of patience, tolerance, selflessness, understanding, wisdom, loyalty, prayers, faith, as well as blinded determination for it to work. What kind of preparations do you have beyond buying him gifts? Would you even consider him, if he were ugly? Would you be dreaming of getting married to him? This is the point in your life that you must get real so you don’t waste more of your time on dreams that are not attainable. We get to a stage in life we simply have to face the truth about our lives and situations. Whether other women are buying cars or expensive gifts should be your concern at all. What should be is your relationship with God. Work on it to give you grace in the eyes and heart of the man he wants you to marry. Ask him for grace to discern who the man is. If your focus at your age is still on how handsome a man is, then you still have far to go. The best qualities and testimonies of our beauty are those we store right inside our hearts. That is where the treasure of our happiness is. Granted, it is pleasing to look good to the eyes but what keeps the heart very warm is the beauty of the mind. This is why you need the priceless gift of wisdom to lean more on God. That he is a pastor doesn’t mean he would be the perfect husband for any woman to marry. Being a pastor is a spiritual gift but it takes the grace of God to bring out the best in our human nature. Only real friendship keeps a marriage going not infatuation. This is the missing link in all of these. Your dreams may have been right on the bull’s eyes in the past but this one may have been instigated by your blinded desires to marry this man at all cost. Dreams come in different forms. There are dreams we through our thoughts originate. If these dreams came long before you met him, yes, they are answers to your prayers. But coming after you have set out to make him your husband at all cost, they can only come from your mind. So to attach too much importance to them could result in your being hurt and disappointed than you already are in your life. My gift to you is to submit your will and life completely to God. Stop struggling with God or attributing things deep inside you, you know are lies to Him. Besides, you have to be careful you don’t provoke God’s anger in the process of wanting to marry this man at all cost. He is a servant of God; if you unwittingly derail his mission by the desires of your heart or cause a scandal in the church, you could incur the anger of God. This is why you must be careful of what you do or how far you go in your bid to marry this man at all cost. Instead of wasting all your time on pursuing this man, why not pray to God to help point you at your destiny? Good luck.

My mother-in-law denies me access to my daughter, wife

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, There is this lady that I started dating about three years ago. She is from Akwa Ibom. When she got pregnant for me in our first year of dating she could not tell her mother till the pregnancy was three months old. Even then, she was still contemplating aborting the pregnancy until I walked up to her mother to inform her about the pregnancy. She was naturally very angry because at that time she was running a diploma programme. After a lot of pleas and promises that I will take care of her daughter, she agreed but never hid her displeasure about the whole development. I was asked to bring two goats and other things for the pregnancy after which our families went through a formal introduction ceremony. It was only after this, that my woman and I could live together as man and woman. I promised to complete all the traditional wedding rites but my business crumbled after our daughter was born.   As a result, I started nagging and would starve her when she provokes me for that day. After sometime, she left the house for her mother’s place; that was when it dawned me on that I have really wronged her. So I went to beg but she insisted I should go and beg her mother first. I didn’t hesitate to do as she demanded. After several days, she came back home but she was not the same woman that left my house. This new woman she had become was determined to tussle power with me to the extent she would starve me of food for up to two weeks just because we had a fight and when we run out of foodstuff, she would demand for money for food without any apology and remorse. In this particular instance, I refused to give her feeding allowance for a week. One day I came back from work and discovered to my surprise that she had packed all her belongings including that of my daughter. I was perplexed by her actions that I went the next day to report the incident to her mother. From her reactions, she wasn’t so surprised by my visit and what I had to say because they were with her. Till date they are still with her. I subsequently went to my lawyer to seek legal advice. He told me to ignore her for one year. I tried to stay away from her and our daughter but since I was missing my child so much I visited after three months. But something terrible happened as her mother accused me of trying to steal my daughter. I had to fight my way to see my child. Agatha, I am tired of all these nonsense but I am scared for my daughter’s future. I don’t want to report this case to court or welfare, though I’m ready to accept her back if she so desires. But I won’t beg her because I didn’t send her away. What do you suggest?   Ike Michael Dear Ike Michael, Patience! Obviously there are some very fundamental issues in your union. The first being, you didn’t set out to marry each other but were forced into it by the accident of her getting pregnant. The second issue in your marriage is your lack of maturity, in the handling of attendant marital challenges that followed the collapse of your business investment. A man isn’t supposed to nag or deny his wife and child food. By starving her of food anytime she offends you, you are unwittingly eroding whatever kind of respect she may have for you as well as destroying the chances of survival of your marriage. Unfortunately, when you starve her of food, your child is also affected since she depends on the mother for food. Though she didn’t act right by coming back to pay you in your own coin but a wise man after everything that has happened would find ways of cementing the cracks in his home rather than heat up the already bad situation. Stubbornness doesn’t resolve marital problems, which is what is at work in your home. For this very union of yours to work, you and your woman must factor in the interest of that child who had nothing to do with your decisions to bring her into the world. Deep down you really care for her; just hurt by her attitude. She also cares for you but certain things have really gone wrong. I don’t know the efforts you have made to get her to continue with her studies. If you didn’t make any efforts to send her back to school, that could cause the displeasure of her mother who from the very beginning didn’t hide her desire to see her daughter complete her education. It could also be the basis for her change in attitude towards you, as she didn’t begin by being stubborn. I am sure if you managed your temper and frustration when your business went down, all these wouldn’t have happened. By right, should have been the one nagging and denying you food. But that she didn’t. She was rather compassionate with you until it got to a point she couldn’t take it anymore. Honestly, there is the need for you to clear the cloud about your real feelings for her. Don’t forget your decision to marry her came about as a result of the baby just as your desire to have her is based on your missing child. So where does she stand in all these? What is your true feeling for her? Be honest with yourself at this vital point because a lot of time, we make the most terrible mistakes of our lives by being lying about what we really need. You may get away with it now, but life has a way of reminding us of these mistakes every opportunity it gets. Before you can resolve this problem, you must first come to full acceptance of what you really feel for this woman. If you really love her, no sacrifice would be too much for you to make for both of you to find happiness. Every relationship deserves a chance to heal from its wounds inflicted by misunderstanding and mismanagement of issues. If you didn’t begin the process of hurting her, the way you did, chances are she may not have desired retaliation. A time would come when the things you count as being of importance to you will cease to be so, when you will look back and ask yourself why you acted the way you did. By then it would be too late to make amends. Having known her for three years, what do you really think about and feel for her? Do you think she has the qualities of being a good wife? These are more important than the issues you place on your front burner. Don’t forget that you are not the only man interested in her; someone else may just be waiting in the corner to grab her from your hands. This is why you must urgently consider your options before it is too late. Don’t allow pride stand between you and your ultimate happiness in life. There is plenty of time to play the boss in her life. There was no one between the two of you the day you met each other and the decision to consummate your relationship. Therefore, resist third party intervention. From all you have said there is nothing that cannot be changed if you as the head take the necessary steps of assuring your woman that you care so much for her with or without the baby. She is holding tightly to the baby because your conduct has made it obvious that you love your baby more than you do her. Remember, hell has no fury like a woman who is scorned. Your attitude to her is like rejecting her hence is ready to use the one person you care so much for to hurt you. This is the kernel of your problem with her. Once you are able to talk things over with her, it won’t matter so much what her mother says. The lesson embedded in all these for you, is one of wisdom. Learn to be more matured in the handling of your home. There is nothing patience cannot achieve; deploy it well in your marriage. No matter how strong willed she is, she will eventually change. Your lawyer is buying you time to make up with your family. Commit your plans and relationship to God at all times. Good luck.

Why is my love madly hostile and secretives?

With Agatha Edo ,Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, Why is my love madly hostile and secretive now I am 18 years of age and in love with a man who is 33. I love him to the extent I can kill myself for him. But after a while, he became harsh towards me; he stopped answering my calls. Even though we were sexually active, he never shared any of his problems with me. I met another man, who promised me marriage during this process of my challenge with my former man. I don’t know whether to accept this man’s offer or continue with the first man. I need your help. Worried Girl. Dear Worried Girl, Life is in stages and seasons. At 18, shouldn’t you be in school worrying more about your education, your empowerment than men? If at your age, you have started to busy yourself with the issue of men, what will you do when you are older and less attractive? Beg friends who were wise to properly situate their lives for money? What by then will you fall back on as a woman when you no longer have the looks and body to sustain the interest of men in you? What by then will be your source of income? There is no time as now for you to get serious with your studies with the aim of procuring for yourself an enviable future. Men and sex never go out of season but your chance to give your life a solid foundation to stand does. Once this stage passes you by, you may never be able to get it back. And even if you can, it takes more efforts to do that. The man of 33 years, sleeping with you and who is now refusing to take your calls, has got what he wants from you. He has registered his presence in your life. He is set to move on because marriage to you will be a liability to him which is what the majority men are running away from these days. What would he be discussing with you when it is obvious to him that you don’t think alike; lack the depth of knowledge and understanding needed to match his’? Men only share their problems, discuss with women they know can contribute positively to the issues worrying them. Beyond your body, he doesn’t think you have any other thing to offer him. His attitude mirrors the thoughts of every other man that would come your way if you don’t quickly sit down now to remodel your life positively. He is aware that you will later become a huge liability to his limited income. Given the kind of attention and placement you are giving to the improvement of your life educationally, what kind of help will you be able to offer him when he needs it? The burden of caring for his home will definitely be too much for him to bear alone. And he isn’t alone in this school of thoughts. The majority of men out there are life students of this school. That he slept with you is in itself clear evidence that he doesn’t have any plans for your future, is lacking in respect for you and doesn’t care what becomes of you. What if you get pregnant? Is he ready to marry you or is he going to tell you to abort the pregnancy, thereby putting your life in jeopardy and future at risk? If he really cares about you, he will not attempt to have sex with you; rather he would be the one urging you to sustain yourself until you are through with your education. A man who has plans for a woman would not mind the sacrifices he makes for her comfort and welfare. From this point, things will only degenerate between the two of you as he is set to move on with his life. You were a fine distraction for him. Even if he had plans for you in the beginning, your lack of focus; coupled with the absence of moral values are enough to make any man think twice about you. As for the other man, if he is interested in marrying you, let him wait for you while you pursue the issue of enhancing the quality of your life educationally. Non- availability of finance is no longer an excuse for those determined to improve on their educational qualification; a lot of children from poor homes with big dreams of a very bright future are these days doing odd jobs to sponsor themselves through school. Your ambition should be your first love: no one man will be able to take away from you. The power of education is such that you are almost certain of success; the kind that attracts quality men to a woman. Men like women who can step in effortlessly for them when things aren’t going to well with them. If this other man is ready to wait for you to finish your education, consider him but if not, let him go. By the time you finish, there will be a man ready to marry you. Always bear this in mind; time and season wait for no one at all. So make hay while the sun is still shinning. Good luck.

I resent my wife because of her past

With Agatha Edo ,Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I got married to a complete stranger less than three months after we met. The more I know her, the more I resent her. I discovered that she lived a very careless and carefree life; lived with different men and did a lot of night clubbing while in school. She smoked and dressed immodestly. In fact she played her time away and in the process destroyed herself. She is also spoilt. I got to know a lot of things about her from her friends and those close to her. Some she told me herself. Living with her has been terrible. She argues and disagrees with me on everything. She favours going out and spending carelessly even when she has important things to do with money and time. Even though she is still re-sitting her exams, she hardly sits down to study. We are always at each other’s throats. I am close to hell. The smell coming from the core of her person is enough to drive one out of the bed and house. I am finding it very difficult to continue living with her. This is not my idea of a wife and I feel very bad and feel like killing myself. For now, no baby, I even like it that way. Please advise me on what to do, I am very miserable. Miserable Husband. Dear Miserable Husband, One thing you must appreciate about marriage generally is the fact that it comes in very attractive package. You don’t get to know what the package masks until opened. Some get very good deals, some others get moderate deals while another group gets very worst deals. But one thing is certain, whatever we find in our packages, we are expected to manage and make the best of. Your challenges are compounded by the shortness of your meeting and decision to get married. This is the tragedy of not taking the marriage institution serious. Most often than not, a lot of couples rush into marriages more for extraneous reasons that have nothing to do with love. This is why every intending couple must first of all take time out to study each other objectively. Getting married less than three months after your first meeting shows your lack of plan for the future as well as your naivety concerning marriage. It also underscores your ill preparation for the challenges ahead of you once you enter into the institution of married men. You must realise that having signed the document that binds you to your wife for life, there is no way you can hurry out of it with the same speed with which you entered into the agreement. Besides, being from different families, your values and outlook towards life are bound to be different. It takes time for such things to blend in any marriage even if you had all the time in the world to get to know yourselves well before signing the dotted lines. The tragedy of ill conceived plans is having to live with it. You must give your marriage a chance to work; by making out time to reposition and refocus. This is the real challenge in every marriage. The mistakes you see in your wife are the same things she sees in you. If you have one thing to complain about in her, you can be sure she has several things to say about you. This is natural. You are both humans and come with defective manuals from the creator’s work table. Marriage is lending to each other our strengths, thoughts and dreams. It is also learning from the other person. There is no way you can both think or act alike. Marriage and life for that matter would be really boring if the same things happen everyday of our lives. Your wife is your challenge and the link between you and your dream. Despite the short time of your knowing each other, something must have made you settle for her among the many ladies you must have met in your life. This is the time to explore your reasons. I appreciate all the confusion, laced with disappointments that must be going on in your head over the quality of woman you married, but if you are honest, are you without blemish? The kind of things you said about her aren’t things she could have hidden from you for long. Even if she did succeed to conceal the other things from you, the bits about her dress sense and attitude she couldn’t have been able to hide from you. If despite seeing the way she dressed you still went ahead to marry her, the same determination if applied to the protection of your marriage can change a lot of things in your lives. Doubtless, you have feelings for her; don’t deny this simply because you are disappointed with the package you have. If we all choose to walk away simply because there are too many defects in our packages, the entire marital system would have long collapsed completely. This is why you must make the essential sacrifice for this marriage. Besides what assurances do you have that if you give her and this marriage up, you will get someone better than she is? Life doesn’t work the way we plan or hope it would. Sometimes, it takes a very warped path to get us to promised land. Sit her down and tell her everything you feel is wrong with your marriage. Say it the way you feel and tell her what your decision is as well. It may not count for much now but overtime, she would begin to appreciate your kind of patience and selflessness in trying to make this marriage work. Having lived the kind of life you described, getting her to change her person may not be as easy as you think. She is no longer a spring chicken; she is old and already set in her ways. For this reason, her metamorphosis cannot be achieved overnight. It has to be done in phases. The issue of her offensive odour can be tackled first. She may not even know how bad the odour of her person is. This is something you can help her with without making a fuse out of it. It is a simple matter of suggesting you both take a bath together and in the process helping her to wash that vital part of her well. Let it come as romantic suggestions. For a woman who has been around, she will warm up to it. Follow this by buying her new pants. Insist she gets rid of her old ones. Using fresh lime juice, especially after menstruation can get rid of foul smell as a result of the different discharges women secrete at different times of the month. Encourage her to shave her pubic hair; to minimise the amount of discharges trapped in the hair on her pubic region. When a woman isn’t too neat, these can cause her to ooze. You can tell her your aim after these efforts for her to continue on her own. Advise her to soak her under-wears over night in detergent water. It will help keep them clean. Although you may wonder at the logic of teaching an old woman how to maintain a certain level of hygiene, the fact is, she is your wife and since her present condition is one of the issues affecting your home, doing it will help your marriage stabilise. On the issue of her sense of dressing, buy her the kinds of clothes you want her in. insist she wears them for you because it would make you very happy. The fact that you are not complaining openly about her choice of clothes; only insisting she makes you happy by wearing certain clothes to please you, will in time moderate her choice of attires. Most times, when you ignore someone, pretend that person doesn’t exist at all; issues like the person’s attitude, manners will cease to have the power to hurt. You notice she is rude and stubborn because you devote time to these issues. Adopt the attitude of walking away as well as being totally indifferent to her when she gets into this mood. Overtime, she will learn to guard her tongue properly. As long as she hasn’t gone back to her previous ways, rest her past life. Just as you have a past you are not too proud of, this is a side of her, you should overlook. Begin your assessment of her from the point you met her as it will be unfair to use her past to judge her. Importantly, develop a real relationship with her through constant conversations. This way you would be building a culture of talking your problems over as well as keeping in touch with happenings in each other’s life. Marriage isn’t a bed of roses; rather it is a thorny, bumpy and tortuous ride before it gets to the smooth part. Count yourself lucky to be experiencing all these at the kindergarten stage of your relationship and not at the secondary or tertiary stages when it is most difficult to resolve. What you are going through now is typical and if well managed by you especially; your marriage will end up being among the best. Learn to pray. God always listens. Divorce should never be the immediate option to any marital challenge. If you must consider it, consign it to the last option. Good luck.

I need a girl in my life…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am 20 years of age. I am single and don’t have any girl to call my own. I really need a real relationship. Please is there anyway you can help? Michael. Dear Michael, At 20, your studies should be more important to you than the business of women. As a man you owe it to yourself to be well focused in life because it is one of the surest ways of attracting and sustaining the interest of a woman. Several decades back, you may be right to worry at the absence of a woman in your life because things were less complicating than they are now. Back then, the land provided the mainstay of a family’s survival. As long as a man can farm, he can stay alive. But things have since changed; a man must from very early in life begin to plan his life in today’s modern world. Every stage of a man’s life requires proper planning. Once a stage is skipped, it takes the grace of God to get it back. But this is not to say, you should not socialise with women; it is a simple matter of finding the woman who shares your dream and aspirations. This is why you must have a focus of who you are and where you are going to in life. Once you identify the woman who shares your dream, ask for friendship, nothing more. The problem of true intent comes when a man proclaims love to a woman on first date. When you identify a woman who you like, propose friendship to her first. Stay on it until the relationship grows to the level of being able to discuss what your real intentions are. As friends, you will be able to discuss freely and honestly. You may be having challenges because you don’t know what to look out for in a woman or too shy to display who you are to the girls you have met. Be bold enough to be who you are at all times. It is the start to being a responsible man. Good luck.

I’m disturbed by his covert phone calls…

Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, There is this particular number that keeps beeping my husband. Whenever the user of the number flashes him, he would retire to the toilet to return the call. Last week the user as usual flashed my husband’s number. He, as always, went into the toilet to return the call. This time I confronted him on the identity of the caller; to my surprise he almost beat me up. Agatha, I am very bothered. What should I do about the situation? Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, Concentrate on making your marriage work. You have no business with whosoever he is calling. Your concern should be your home and diverting the attention of your husband back to the home front with the most minimal fuse or quarrel. Anybody, who is in love, is like a hot metal, which cannot be grabbed with the bare hands when hot. Patience is required to wait for the metal to cool down. This is precisely what is happening in your home. You need absolute patience because your husband is waiting for you to give him the slightest of reasons to bring in the other woman. You will be acting foolishly by fighting or quizzing him on the identity of the strange caller. At the stage he is now, he is beyond reason and like a burning inferno is ready to consume whosoever stands in his path. Presently, there is something about that woman he isn’t getting from you; the reason he is determined to battle with you over the existence of the other woman in his life. Sometimes too, these interests aren’t natural. Some are being spiritually manipulated; if the woman at home isn’t careful, her home would be derailed completely even if temporarily. Because of the danger to your home if you get to find out her identity, it is best you don’t bother about the strange caller. It isn’t worth the trouble. Even if you know, beyond going to fight her, you cannot stop the two of them from dating each other. Therefore her identity is of no use to you at all. When situations like yours happen, it is an opportunity for couples, especially the woman at home to sit down to X-ray her marriage. Definitely, something is wrong. Rather than trouble yourself seeking the identity of this woman, why not concentrate more efforts at finding out the problem spot in your marriage? The first place to start your investigation is to examine with detachment his attitude towards you in the last couple of months. What has he consistently complained about you, even in the early stage of your relationship and marriage? What has he always wanted you to do that you have persistently refused to do all the years you have known him? If you were to grade yourself objectively, how would you describe yourself, first as a person, wife and mother? Are you the kind of woman who doesn’t care? Lacks respect for him as the head of the home? Do you show interest in his welfare or well being as his wife and friend? How much of his business do you know? How often do you create time for romance, bonding and growth of your relationship with him? Do you remember to compliment or pray for him? Finally how much of him do you know? Other areas to examine in your marriage include your looks, housekeeping, relationship with his family and friends as well as your attitude towards the things that concern him. If honest, the clue to the problem in your marriage will become evident to you. Most times, the difference between happiness and sadness is as tiny as a smile. No man likes coming home to a woman who is forever nagging and is totally lacking in respect for his feelings. If you are the kind of wife who has developed the habit of being unappreciative of his efforts, change and learn to smile. His efforts may not be much, but the right attitude from you can act as a great incentive for him to go the extra mile. Rather than fight, put your house back on track. Don’t even ask him about the mysterious caller. Even if he takes the call in your presence pretend you are not bothered about the identity of the person on the other side of the phone. You have the knowledge the other woman lacks as well as the advantage of his being his wife. Use that knowledge to win him back by cooking his favourite meals and looking after him the way you have done in a very long time. Woo him with everything God gave you as a woman; don’t hold back; apart from being his wife, you must win this battle of your home and happiness. This is the time to invest cash too. What does he like? Get him gift items you know he will appreciate. Bear in mind that you are now in the position of his girlfriend, the other woman in his life so you must be ready including using prayers to get him to come back to you. If you are the kind that thinks once a woman marries, sex becomes a duty rather than a tool of recreation, you better rethink your options very well. Create exciting moments, the kind of memories that last forever. You may not get instant results, don’t even expect it but if you are tolerant, patient and selfless, you will eventually win the battle of your husband’s heart back to you. Without you first putting the necessary machine into motion, you cannot effectively tackle his feelings for the other woman who is only putting on her best behaviour because of what she intends from him. But your husband doesn’t know that because her seemingly good side is painting you in very negative hues. Flashing your husband at odd hours is aimed at getting you annoyed and confrontational. She knows that your husband will definitely fight back if you get angry with him so it is a tactic she is deliberately using to make you fall out of favour with your husband; so resist it. Reality is even if you catch him red-handed with another woman, you still have to play it cool with him. Wisdom is what makes the difference in marriages. If you elect to fight him on account of calls he could easily deny as being from a business associate, what will you do when you find out the identity of the other woman? Sincerely when another woman is involved in the life of one’s husband, the wife has the challenge of adopting the patience of a vulture. Be confident that he cannot just ask you to go if you don’t fight him and are confidence in the God you serve. In addition to creating the right atmosphere for him, time to change your look to something much sexier, appealing and arresting. Time too, to get those commotion causing nightgowns out of wardrobe for duty. You must be wise to win this battle for the heart of your husband. Besides, count yourself lucky that he is still coming home to you and is discharging his duties as a husband and man. Not many women are that lucky. Frankly, if you push him too hard, you may at the end of the day find yourself all alone. He may just decide not to come home at all, pegging his reasons on you not giving him peace at home. Remember the other woman’s home offers an immediate alternative to his home, so be careful how you handle this matter. Patience, endurance, prayers and wisdom are the tools you need to win this battle. Good luck.

She drops no dime to run our home, abhors creative lovemaking

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, First of all, I would like to thank and congratulate you that through your kind, gentle, firm and wisely advice, so many homes and families have been saved, and many young couples like me have been prevented from making mistakes that might have resulted in destroying our homes. May the Almighty and Everlasting God continue to bless you beyond your imagination and may he continue to guide and protect your family from all problems. Amen. My questions bother on two issues that are beginning to affect my very young and dream home. We have known each other for a decade. We courted for six months and have been married for over a year. The first issue has to do with money. While my wife insists I should declare what I earn and my financial position, she refuses to declare hers. While she expects me to be dedicated to the growth of the home, she cannot be bothered. She doesn’t think she has obligations to contribute all she earns to the family purse. We never really had any issue on finances during courtship, because most of the time, I was the one making most of the financial contributions for all our activities. Please it would go a long way in reducing the tension in my home if you could explain and give us pieces advice on the best way of handling our finances as we prepare for new additions into our home. The second issue has to do with sex, which, as I have noticed in our society today, people don’t like talking about. We never had sex until we got married, my friends that got married three or four years ago, still find it difficult to talk about sex and how couples can improve their sex life. When it comes to issues of sex, I am very adventurous and liberal minded, whereas my wife is more of the conservative and reserved type. Is it wrong for a couple to engage in oral and anal sex? While some people have said that oral and anal sex is wrong, because it causes pains and sickness, others have said it is another form of enjoying yourself as a couple. We have read so many articles on these issues and my wife still believes that oral and anal sex is bad and causes some forms of sickness. Your wise advice on these issues will definitely assist and help us in building our home just as it would also assist other couples in similar situations. Faithful Fan. Dear Faithful Fan, Marriage is a delicate balance of every human experience. The thing is not to allow the scale tilt too much in favour of all the other factors that make a home ideal. More than anything else, I am glad for your interest in protecting your home. God will see you through. Finance has always been the blight in most marriages especially with young couples, who are still to understand the dynamism of marriage. This is why you should not blame your wife too much. Don’t forget that while you were dating, you single-handedly shouldered all the financial responsibilities without asking for her input. You did this for six years without complaining; therefore she has gotten used to you spending the money in the relationship. The only thing, in her opinion, that has changed is that you are now married to her, the more reason for you as the man to continue to provide for the home. Change is something people find very difficult to do. Being a woman too, she has been brought up to think that men alone shoulder all the responsibilities in a marriage. Take it from me, it would take time for the scale of idealism to fall off her eyes. Experience remains the best teacher, until she gets to the bus stop of reality. You simply have to patiently keep explaining why you alone cannot bear the burden of the family. If you use force, you will lose the battle. Your option is to appeal to her. Good enough, she knows your monthly take home pay. Gradually outline the limitation of your resources to her especially as the baby is on the way. Let her know how far you can go as well as the need for you to keep something little away in case of emergency which could be baby taking ill suddenly, increased house rents, school fees, faulty car or important family members requiring one form of assistance or the other. There are of course the necessary things like cloths, fuel, electricity bills and upgrading the home equipment. Put a price against all these needs, deduct the important ones from the money you earn and let her see how much is left if you indeed have anything left at all. The beauty of marriage is sustained when the wife offers her unconditional support to her husband. Sit her down for a serious talk. Take her back to when you both started and how you willingly took on the challenge of providing her needs. Assure her that you are not about to abandon your responsibilities to her, but asking her to appreciate your limitations. It is something that has to come from within her, a deep concern for the peace and progress of your home. She has to know that unless you have access to the nation’s treasury or extremely rich through wise investment, there is no way you alone can provide the family’s entire need. So many things will suffer neglect, which will invariably affect the quality of your home and marriage. Remember you are in this forever. So stop pretending to do what you know you cannot do. It is time you made her face reality regarding your abilities. Sincerely, you made a mistake from the beginning, which I hope men in your situation will learn from. From the beginning you gave her the impression that you can do it alone while she is left to spend her money the way she likes. If you had during your courtship years, gradually allowed her to participate financially in the sustenance of the relationship, what you are asking now won’t be so strange to her. She is reacting this way because she has never been made to contribute financially to anything by you. It is like a baby whose mother is trying to introduce to other kinds of food, the child will naturally at the beginning resist such attempts. You will have to patiently win this battle for the sake of the peace in your home. Another way to do it is to agree on a monthly allowance for housekeep. Once you agree on an amount, make it clear it is what you can afford for the entire month. The only time she would object is if you on your own take the decision to fix the monthly allowance. As long as you discuss it with her, she would have no choice but administer the money judiciously to the point of supplementing it. Once you are truthful with her, there should be no problem. At every point, come clean with her. Don’t hide anything from her or insist on how she spends her money. By the time you give her what you can afford at the end of the month, she would have no choice but to assist you in some areas. Women do these things without the men insisting on it too much. It is a lesson life teaches in the many classrooms it provides us with. On the issue of sex, sincerely, it is an individual thing. Both of you must agree on comfortable positions to get the best out of it. But you must talk about it with a free mind. Not talking about it makes a marriage dull and emotionally stagnant. Sex is very important to peace and happiness at home. And it isn’t just a man and woman coming together for the sake of it, but because it is the important tool of creating the nectar of profound intimacy and exceptional bond in a marriage. Not to talk about it is to retire the marriage before it has the chance to walk. But given the attitude of your wife, you might have to gradually introduce these changes without her being aware. A lot depend on your expertise and sense of adventure. Some of the lessons of sex come during the act itself, not before it. Delight her to a very romantic evening to break her down while you plot your moves. In the bedroom, use more of your fingers at the beginning, taking special note of her erotic zones. Once you are sure where her weakest spots are, apply the pressure aimed at making her ask for more. By then, she will be willing to experiment if it means more pleasure from you. No woman is frigid, only a lousy man who doesn’t know his left from his right. Oral sex and whatever position you want will be a matter of time. As long as you are both faithful to each other, there is nothing to fear in whatever positions you assumed in your quest to find the ultimate satisfaction in your marriage. This is because what works for one person may not work for the other person. The success of marriage is encapsulated in our sense of adventure and honesty with ourselves and situations. Good luck.

Please, how do I become a good husband?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Please how can I be a good husband? Eme. Dear Eme, So many factors come into play in every marriage. Some are general to all marriages while others are peculiar to the individuals involved. Therefore, to be a good husband, you must take time out to know everything there is to know about your wife. Get to read her like a book, making efforts to know precisely what God’s storyline for her life is. This is absolutely important for proper integration of your person into hers. This is the foundation of being happy and having a peaceful marriage. Knowing God’s purpose for her will determine how far you can push her or what to expect from her at any given time. Besides it will assist you in knowing when she does something deliberately and when it is in line with her nature. Like men, there are no two kinds of women. Every person is different; this is the mystery of God, hence each person’s reaction to an issue will always be dissimilar. By learning to appreciate her dissimilarity to everything you have been used to, including all the women that have graced your life, you open yourself to learning new things about her and from her ways. It is like watching a child grow. Every stage of a growing child is laced and patterned with different hues of which brings new excitement to the parents. As a good husband, you should be able to notice when she is making the extra effort to please you or change for your sake. Most often, problems arise when a woman thinks her husband isn’t paying her the kind of attention she deserves. A woman likes to be complimented on her looks, new hairstyles, cooking and housekeeping. She practically comes into bud when complimented by the man who has her heart. Without much effort from you, she will go the extra mile to make sure he is happy and contented with everything at home. But she gets very hurt, edging and troublesome when she is ignored or not appreciated. No woman wants to hurt or misbehave to a man who cares so much for her. Therefore, learn to be caring, attentive and appreciative of whatever efforts she puts into the marriage. Even when you think she isn’t doing enough, first show appreciation for the little she is doing before voicing whatever complaints you have. This way, she will listen better than you just complaining about all her efforts. That you are the man of the house doesn’t mean you should be lacking in respect for her person or values. At all times, learn to be respectful of her position as your deputy. Without her, there would be no home or family. Therefore, protect her position by limiting your anger as well as displeasure with the way she is doing certain things to the bedroom. Not even your children should witness your quarrels because they were not there when both of you met or made the decision to spend your lives together. When a man exposes his wife to the mockery of others, by fighting or beating her in the presence of others, he is unwittingly destroying his home. Don’t ever make the mistake of beating her. The tongue of a woman is very sharp and indiscriminate. When let loose, it can cause great damage. Learn to develop the strength and will to resist her anger. Because a woman talks before she thinks. If you know you cannot withstand the pains of her tongue, when she gets angry, walk away or leave the room for her. Not many men have the capacity to tolerate the kinds of words that come out of a woman’s mouth when angry. By electing to walk away from the scene, you are giving your marriage the chance to survive against all odds and buying respect for yourself and family. The truth is that nobody hears or is a witness to the caustic and provocative tongues of the woman but everybody does when the man reacts by beating her. At the end of the day, the man gets the label of being violent and irresponsible. Be wise and avoid what will make others gather in your house to settle any marital rift. That you are avoiding confrontation doesn’t mean you make yourself weak, it just shows that you are man enough to manage your internal problems judiciously. It also indicates your ability, to compartmentalise your life, giving each subject its place. The man who takes pride in using muscles to settle marital problems is seen as weak and unbalanced. It infects every aspect because when sourcing for qualified hands to handle sensitive positions, domestic violence could stand in his way of progress. Men who command the absolute respect of their wives are those who have mastered the act of controlling their tempers. The fact that you don’t even raise your voice when arguing with your wife is enough to keep the woman in check and very respectful of you. As a husband, learn to show understanding always. Like you, she has her moments and moods, particularly as a woman. There are particular times of the month when hormonal imbalances influence a woman to behave out of tune. This is when she needs you to bear with her, understand her and offer whatever help you can no matter how minute. Because, more often than not, women don’t even understand these changes themselves. It is essential her husband make the effort to help her by making efforts to observe the particular time of the month when she becomes edgy. Although some men think it is unnecessary and something that has little to do with them, the truth is they are very wrong. When the woman of the house is happy, it affects everybody at home, just as her bad moods taint all. By going that extra mile to make it your business, you would be protecting your marriage from the wear of having too many contentious issues to resolve. With just a measure of little attention and action by both parties involved, some of the challenges that later become home-breakers can be averted. You also have to imbibe the habit of confiding and talking to her. Remember as your partner for life, she has a greater stake in your affairs. Engage her in all discussions because when the chips are down, she will be the only one standing by you. By talking to her, she becomes your best friend and confidant in addition to being your partner. As a friend, you are most likely to forgive her anything because this is what friends are meant for. In the bedroom, make sure you aren’t selfish. Good marriages take two to manage. Allow her the lead sometimes by encouraging her to experiment with ideas of her own. And when you take the lead, make sure you place her satisfaction too on the front burner. Always ask her if she is okay with whatever you are doing as a husband. To keep the romance burning, take her out occasionally, buy her gifts, send her romantic messages just as if you were both still dating. Also, by developing a keen sense of joke, you make things that ordinarily should be difficult easy to do. And as a father, always make out time for the children. Get to know their friends, what they are doing in school by attending some of their ceremonies. Create a family time for you all to talk and grow as a team. And as the head of the home, ensure you show the right example by your involvement in the things of God. There must be a family time to pray and fellowship with God daily, because He remains the head of every home. Besides, He is the only one you should allow into your marriage. Keep third parties out of your marriage at all times for peace to reign. In addition, always insist on settling every disagreement so it doesn’t build up to a level you both lose yourselves in the problems. Good luck.

Has she another boyfriend?

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I met a girl on one of the social networks four months ago. Then, I was serving in Kaduna State while she was serving in Lagos State, but now, I am based in Lagos. I invited her to my office and she came. When she celebrated her birthday few weeks ago, I wanted to take her out that day, a Sunday, but she told me she would be with her boyfriend. Agatha, I like her and I desire to date her. What should I do? Do you think she has a boyfriend or she was just trying to pull my legs? Curious Boy. Dear Curious Boy, What makes you think she would lie about having a boyfriend? Isn’t she old enough to have one? What do you think would be her motive of lying to you about having a man in her life if she doesn’t? Often than not, the impression that women lie to mask their feelings for a man is an old line that has caused many men to lose the women that would have given them happiness in life. Not many women take kindly to being called liars especially the ones that have a very clear sight of where they are going to in life. Under normal circumstance, she should be in a very serious relationship, one that would lead to marriage in the not distant future by now. The fact that she disclosed the information on her birthday, when she would naturally want to celebrate, means she is telling the truth about the state of her private affairs. If she didn’t want you to know, is considering having a relationship with you, she wouldn’t have mentioned her boyfriend, rather she would come up with a reason other than the truth to explain her inability to spend her day with you. Besides, if she is in such a relationship, you don’t expect her to end it simply because you are interested in her. You won’t be the first man to have expressed an interest in her; other men before you too must have expressed their intentions in her. If she keeps considering every man that makes a pass at her, when will she be serious and settle down? Your feelings for her are natural. As long as a woman is attractive, no matter her age, men will always express a desire to have a space in her life. It is the way God made women and men. Therefore, what you feel for her is very natural but you must also accept the fact that she doesn’t need a reason not to feel that way about you. How would you feel if another man makes a move to take over your girlfriend? That she told you about wanting to be with her man on her birthday underscores her seriousness. The earlier you accept this, the better for you. It is important so you don’t destroy the friendship you are both trying to build with each other. Not every expression of love will end in a relationship, but every meeting can lead into a lifetime of quality and purposeful friendship. If you like and want her in your life, keep her as a friend. She doesn’t have to be your lover to share in your ideas and provide the necessary support. Some friendships have the capacity to last a lifetime when well managed by the pair involved. Respect and allow her be. Every relationship needs encouragement to grow and succeed. As a friend, you owe her this. Good luck. Dear Agatha, I have a boyfriend who either switches off his phone or simply refuses to respond to me whenever we have a misunderstanding and I apologise. I am at a loss on how to handle this situation. Worried Girl. Dear Worried Girl, This is a sign that you have to consider so many things before going deeper into this relationship because it is ominous — a sure signal that things are not the way they should be in your relationship. You don’t ignore things like this simply because you want to be in a relationship. At the end of the day, they become the very problems that will break up the relationship. They may appear minor but will become monsters of tomorrow. Since arguments and disagreements are vital parts of relationship building, now that you have the opportunity to either remedy the situation or reconsider your options, ask him why he thinks you deserve to be treated the way he is doing whenever you both have an argument. His answers will give you a reason, a peep into his mind. Ideal love should not seek to punish but to correct. By ignoring your calls even after you have offered apologies isn’t right. He should know exactly how you feel and the many disturbing questions you are jogging around your mind. What will be will be! Keeping quiet about it will not make it go away just as talking about it will end the relationship if God says you are both going to remain an item. My fear is, if you don’t set things right now, you will never be able to in the future. Good luck.

I beat up my husband’s mistress, now he’s married to her

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, How do I handle this problem that is threatening to tear my home apart? Last month, with the help of some of my friends, I went to the house of my husband’s mistress to beat her up. The result is my husband’s decision to marry her as his second wife and bring her to live in the same compound with us. He has started clearing the vacant flat downstairs for her to move in. He says since I have gone to unearth what he kept secret from me out of respect, he no longer has a reason to keep the other woman outside. In fact he has gone with his friends and family to pay her bride price. Perhaps the worst kind of betrayal is from one of my friends, the one who urged me on to fight the other woman. She accompanied my husband for the ceremony. She is the wife of his best friend and whom I learnt recently is also contending with the existence of a mistress in her own marriage. She knew about her husband’s girlfriend but never went to fight her; rather she kept her cool, pretending she didn’t know anything. Since the incident happened, she has kept her distance from me and is actually joining her husband in castigating my action. It was even her car my husband’s mistress used in packing some of her things into the house. I really don’t know what to do because right now, I feel like strangling her and my husband. Sometimes, I feel that someone is using juju to discredit my person. I have been married for 12 years and have managed to keep my home. Although my husband from the beginning has been complaining about my attitude to things, he has nevertheless managed me; so why now that things are looking very good for both of us and he is an honourable member of our state house of assembly? I have always had a temper and been extremely jealous and he has always been aware of these facts. If at all I have done anything wrong, shouldn’t I be reprimanded instead of him marrying another woman? In my own way, I have been a very good and dutiful wife to him. I am all alone; not even my siblings are supporting me. My parents are dead. My elder sister was recently awarded a big contract through my husband’s influence so she is also keeping her distance from me. He is also responsible for the welfare of my other siblings. In fairness to him, he is caring. Despite the latest development, he hasn’t denied me anything. Just last week, he bought me a brand new car for my birthday. I give it to him, he is a good man. But, I don’t want to share him at all. I want him all to myself. I am very upset about all that is happening to me. I feel like beating her up all over again. Unfortunately, there is no one to trust with my feelings, anger and sense of betrayal. I am hurting so much because I love my husband with all my heart. He is my world. Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, Please resist the urge to fight your husband’s second wife. Remember she isn’t his mistress anymore but his wife. You may not like her, the situation or circumstances but, she has the same status as you do in his life as well as the same rights. The fact that she is a new member of the family puts you at a very great disadvantage. Even if she is the one at fault, the fact of your position as the first wife, a hurting one for that matter who is known by everybody to be jealous and troublesome would make you guilty in the views of the world. You have done enough harm already; don’t complicate things for yourself by fighting her again. This is fate already accomplished. Except God decides otherwise, this woman has come to stay by your own foolishness and foul temper. Your attitude gave your husband the impetus to bring her home; a decision he wouldn’t have taken if you had not gone to disgrace and expose him to his political enemies. Granted, he is wrong but you are even more wrong for going to the house of the other woman to fight her with your friends. Two wrongs have never been known to produce positive results. What if the other woman had stripped you and a photojournalist was around to take pictures of you in that state for onward publication? How would you have explained the situation to the world? Do you think the publication would have aided or destroyed your husband’s political career? As the wife of a public officer, you are expected to be above board; to apply restraints even in the face of extreme provocations while in public. Besides the affair over which you went to fight is personal to you and your husband, something you could have tackled in the privacy of your home and not in public. By your actions, you have succeeded in devaluing your husband before his subjects. You also offended those who before now had sympathy for you. This perhaps informed the decision of your husband to bring the other woman home as his second wife so you won’t have the need to go and disgrace him anymore. That he didn’t throw you out, bought you a new car on your birthday, underscores his love for you. His decision to take a new wife maybe extreme but it is an indication that you have a lot of work to do on yourself and home. I know how you feel exactly but you will only be hurting yourself in more ways than one by dwelling on the past and the event that brought her home officially. The thing now is to move on by going back to the drawing board to re-plan your marriage and relationship with your husband. Don’t forget that his attention now is divided between you and his new wife. The earlier you accepted this fact, the best for you. You now have another woman sharing your space, so things have to be done differently to remain relevant in his life. The first place to begin is your temper. There is nothing one cannot change if determined to. This temper of yours has caused you so much. It is time to banish it from your life. The best revenge for the kind of friends you have is to ensure you remain in the marriage. Rather than fight her, go on your knees and ask God for help in controlling your impulsiveness. Tell Him to make you a better person, the kind of woman who is supportive, understanding, respectful and wise when dealing with her husband. Going to publicly fight his mistress shows that you don’t care about his career or his position in the society. A wise woman knows what not to do, no matter what. The truth is that men will be men especially a successful politician like your husband. If you keep exhibiting temper and jealousy at every woman seen with him, you will end up choking him out of existence. For now, ignore the existence of the other woman and work at winning him back. You have to daily give him reasons to value and appreciate your presence in his life by being his friend and number one supporter. Strive to make the home peaceful for him and the whole family. Although he has resolved this matter in his own way, still go and apologise to him. Where you once used force, be humble now. It won’t take anything from you to say sorry. It is a start for the complete healing of your home. Overtime, find ways of being cordial with the other woman. As a matter of fact, you have to take this step to water down the influence of your former friend in all your lives. Such people should be kept out of your home because she can do more harm than she has already done. Honestly, the way you handle this challenge will go a long way in determining the success of your home as well as the happiness of your children. This is the time for you to play the role of a mother more than that of a wife until your home stabilises. It is the price you have to pay for allowing friends determine your life for you. Depend more on God for counsel than friends. Good luck

Single at 39, my pride abhors the widower available…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am 39 years of age. In the opinion of everybody around me, I am extremely beautiful, a fact I am also very aware of. Ever since I was young, I have enjoyed the attention of men. Even when I don’t want such attentions, I still get them. So I got used to using my looks to my advantage, even to lure lecturers to give me a soft landing in my exams. None of my relationships lasted for long due to jealousy. I was always at loggerheads with any man in my life. Since my ways were working for me, I didn’t have any reason to bother. Overnight, I discovered that my less beautiful friends are today married with their own families. Only married men desire me. The single ones that trickle in are more interested in my body than having me for a wife. The beauty that worked for me back then seems to have become my fall. The reason I am writing has to do with my latest challenge. It has to do with the man I recently met in church, introduced to me by my pastor. According to my pastor, he is a widower. But the problem is that he isn’t my kind of man; he is short, ugly and below the standards of the men I have dated in my life. However, I am told by the pastor he is my husband; the man God wants to use in helping to remove my shame as a woman. According to my pastor, if I refuse to marry him, I will never get married in my life as God. He said the prayer of my mother is the reason I am being given this chance to marry. That God through His choice for me is to teach how to be humble. This is why I am writing for help. There is no way I can even bring myself to greet this man let alone have him for a husband. I can’t introduce him to any of my friends as the man in my life. We are worlds apart despite his claims to having a university degree in Accountancy. But like every woman my age, I am desperate to settle down and being a family of my own. All my younger sisters and brothers are married and happy with their partners. Everybody addresses me as madam. My nieces and nephews all address me as big mummy. I am so confused about everything. Please help me. Titi. Dear Titi, Are you sure you are serious about being married? From your e-mail, it is obvious that you aren’t serious about getting married at all; instead you are contented in glorifying in your beauty. Besides, what gives you the impression that the man after getting close to your person would want to marry you in the long run? No matter how desperate this man is, he wouldn’t, considering the memories of his late wife would want to risk living with a woman who has little or no respect for him. He needs a woman who is full of compassion, who is ready to assist him to heal from the horror of losing a loved one and not one who is more concerned about her looks and what friends would think of her choice. If your friends care so much about you, how come you are still single at your age and they are married with their own families? Should they have done something to help you settle down when they were contemplating their own marriages? But, it isn’t your friends who are lonely, getting expired on the viability shelf. They aren’t the ones being called big mummy when they are even yet to get the marriage proposals. A woman who is serious about her desire to end up in a man’s house doesn’t play the things you are playing up. At almost 40 you should have gone past the unrealistic phase of every woman to marry the tall, rich and handsome guy. If you are still single at your age, doesn’t it tell you that it is time to come down from your lofty heights and become real with yourself? What have you gained from dating the kinds of men you elected to date beyond heartache? I am sure if you are truthful, you will agree with me that beyond the temporary sexual and perhaps certain material gains, there is nothing meaningful in your life to point at. Life is much more than what we look on the inside. It is what we house inside of us. As you have found out from the many experiences you have had, good looks don’t guarantee happiness and satisfaction. Which is the real issue in all these. There is no way any man, even if ordered from Mars can ever give you the kind of joy and happiness you want if you lack the discipline to isolate your real self. Who are you? Beyond your looks, what do you have going for you? What can you offer a man in terms of quality contribution to his life and home? What kind of wife and mother will you make? If you were a man, would you go for a woman like you? I ask these questions because sex, which is what you have from your story offered men is the easiest and cheapest thing a woman can give a man. Therefore, it isn’t a reason for any man to want to hold down a bad marriage or any kind of marriage for that matter. For a woman to survive the politics of her husband’s house, she needs something much more to make her relevant in her husband’s life. And these things are not a woman’s look or performance in the bedroom. These are things you don’t have at all. Your mother by standing in gap for you may have bought you mercy from the Throne of Grace but you have to know what to do with it to make it work for you. There is no way you can be happy with a man if you maintain your arrogant posture. Much as nobody can force you into staying with a man you are not comfortable with, the fact remains that wisdom is integral to man’s existence. It is what makes the difference between failure and success. At this stage, you should sit down to examine what life has left to offer you. Forget what this man looks like to what he can offer you. Who is he like inside? Most of the time our glow and true nature come from within. We are mostly what we encase inside of us at all times. Our pleasantness, relationships, temperaments, attitudes and character as what we have inside of us. This is where our haughtiness and pride also come from. Whatever we are come from the inside. One maybe good looking on the outside, but if lacking in good manners becomes ugly. Give yourself a chance to be happy by listening to whatever he has to say. Train your mind to forget his looks. Behind every seemingly ugly person is a hidden treasure, the kind of beauty difficult to ignore. Granted yours is the surface kind of beauty, his could be the inner kind. It is like the raw gold; ugly at its most raw form but beautiful and precious after the goldsmith has endured the heat, pains of transforming it to the more common form women generally adore. There is no story without pains and disappointments. Life has more to offer than good looks. Explore what life offers you in the form of this man by opening your heart to listen to him. If you don’t divorce yourself from those feeling of worthless superiority you have, you will never get to know the real him. God that brought him your way has a reason. Humility is part of our transformation to God’s way; who at any rate is the most superior. Just as you are the image of God, this man you think is ugly represents a side of God, so to call him ugly is to question His ways. Pride always goes before fall. You have the right to seek clarification from God by learning to trust Him no matter what. Perhaps this will help you know what is most important at this stage of your life; being happy in life irrespective of what your friends think about your husband or making your friends happy while you cope with loneliness and unhappiness? The choice is yours. Good luck.