Can this religious brick wall between us be brought down?

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I am 26 years old. I am a Christian but I come from a very strong Muslim background. I am going to church because I stay with my grandmother who is very liberal. But she alone cannot confront the combined affront of the family. My father, who is an Imam, is unaware of my new religion. He is so ferocious; he won’t hesitate to disown me as his own. My mother, on the other hand, lacks the guts to face her husband, therefore getting any form of support for my quest to marry my boyfriend of two years, who is a Christian, is totally out of it. Since meeting him, I have become more focused and definite about so many things about my life. But for his unflinching support, I would never have graduated from school. During my final year, he was there by my side giving me every bit of support I needed to sail through. He actually helped to clear all my outstanding fees as well as mend fences between me and some of the lecturers who didn’t want me to graduate. He has a way with people; it is his special gift. How he did it, I don’t know; but all I knew was that I was cleared. I stopped associating with the friends who got me into problems in the first place. He has proposed to me and I have accepted. He has even gone as far as taking me to see his parents and family members. They are now asking to see mine. My grandmother has drawn the line. She said she lacked the authority as my maternal grandmother to go to my father because he is as stubborn as a nail. Another reason why my father would want me dead is because I am six weeks pregnant. I want everything done before my state becomes obvious. My mother, whom I told about my state, begged me not to reveal she knows anything about my boyfriend let alone my state. I am so scared. Please help me. Sheri. Dear Sheri, He has to be told irrespective of his temper or beliefs. Since none of you can go to him directly, there must be somebody in the family; someone he respects and listens to who can go on your behalf to him. The essence of getting a third party involved is to prevent you from the shock of his first reactions. At least the person’s presence would have significantly watered down his anger and disappointment at your conduct. His anger would have expired before you meet him. Ultimately, you have to face him because he is your father. At this stage, there is nothing you can do about what you feel for your boyfriend or the fact that you are already expecting his child. Despite being a religious leader, first and foremost he is your father. His religion and beliefs cannot erase that. Whatever he is, he is secondary to his role as a father in your life, which means you just have to face him as a daughter to her father. He doesn’t have the right to deny you this. It is his responsibility to at least hear what you have to say. Deep down, there is a father underneath everything that he has clothed himself with. No parent, no matter how strict or unreasonable, would bear to see his or her child suffer. Your pains are his, so you must grow the maturity of making him see reason. Your mother and maternal grandmother don’t occupy the same position as you do in his life. So, whatever your misgivings are, be bold enough to go after the intermediary has informed him. Explain everything to him; including your decision to marry a man who isn’t a Muslim. To reduce the many battles you have to fight at this initial stage, wisdom demands that you should keep the information about your conversion from him for now. It would be too much of a problem for you to manage on your own since both your mother and grandmother are shying away from mediating. The important thing here is to get him to allow you marry the man of your choice. There is no way he can force you to follow his dictates after you have married. It is also important you assure him that you didn’t get pregnant deliberately to tie his hands in this matter. This discussion should be between you and him. Don’t forget he has a reputation to protect so would not want anybody to witness whatever concession he was going to make for you. You must also not forget that your new religion is strange to him, against everything he has known so he is bound to be bitter but your maturity would definitely make a lot of difference. This isn’t time for you to be stubborn or heady. In everyway, he has a right to be angry with you but you can change him by being humble and sensitive to his feelings. This way you will have the understanding and patience to deal with him. Besides, how would you feel if the child you are carrying in your womb grows up to hurt you? Yes, true love is blind and deaf to what others consider important but you must try to win him over first. Go after your own happiness only when it appears impossible to change his mind. It would also help to inform your boyfriend’s family of what to expect whenever they visit your family. Let your boyfriend’s mother meet with your grandmother and mother first. Women have a way of going around issues like this. After all, you are pregnant with their grandchild. Above all, learn to pray. There is nothing or situation prayers cannot achieve. Good luck.