She Withdrew Huge Amount From My Account

Dear Agatha,

I have a big problem with my fiancé. As a matter of fact I have tried all the tricks I know to make her see reasons, but she has remained adamant. I once wrote to you on a problem which I needed urgent advice on. I requested you reply through my email address, but till date I haven’t got a reply to that problem.

This incident happened recently. Two months ago I gave my woman a blank cheque since she stays far away from me. She is a student in one of the higher institutions of learning in one of the north central states and I reside in the North East. I am always on the move from one place to the other. I gave her the cheque so that when I am not within reach and she needs money urgently, she can phone me and we would agree on how much she should cash from the bank.

But to my greatest surprise when I went to the bank to deposit some amount of money and to confirm my balance, I noticed my balance did not correspond with what I thought I had in my account, and I was told somebody cashed some amount of money from my account. I confirmed who it was, and they gave me the name of the person, who turned out to be my woman.

When I called her to know why she went to the bank without informing me, she said she did it because I refused to give her a certain amount she asked for. I was shocked by her act and asked if I had ever refused her anything? She replied in the negative. Angrily I gave her an ultimatum to return the money to the bank or end the relationship.

Agatha, my fear now is, what happens after we get married and I either cannot give her the money or deny her of a request for some reasons or the other? Would she not go into prostitution or go about begging people? And what happens if she does something and I raise any eyebrows at her conduct would she not give me the same reason she gave me for withdrawing money from my account without telling me?

Agatha, this is a desperate call from a disturbed heart, please tell me what to do as soon as possible.

DOD.

Dear DOD,

I would start by apologising for not treating your first letter. The reason could be the request that I send the reply through your email. I try to discourage the practice since it is inimical to the objective of this page. All the same, I am sorry. You have every right to be apprehensive and disappointed at the conduct of your girlfriend. Doubtless, she betrayed your trust and love. What she did falls short of a decent behaviour. 

The ideal thing would have been to wait or call you to explain the urgency attached to the money she requested for. To have gone to the bank to cash the money without telling you and allowing you to find out the way you did is not too tidy and certainly does not speak well of her.

She certainly betrayed the trust you have in her by giving her a blank cheque. Not many men would do what you did for her, not even for their wives. 

I understand your disappointment and apprehension for the future. A lot of men would have terminated the relationship there and then. That you still gave her an option to return the money shows that she affects you positively in other ways. It also shows a man who is in love and responsible.

Since mistakes are fundamental and integral part of our learning processes, sit her down to explain your disappointment and how she has through her conduct cast doubts on her integrity and your planned future together. Be bold enough to tell her that it would be difficult for you to ever trust her with money or related matters again. That if in two months of entrusting her with your bank account, she did what she did, what would happen if you had travelled out of the country and given her same concession.

If you still desire a future with her, be brutally frank and open with her. Don’t try to pretend all is well when in actual fact you are more than hurt and pained at her conduct. It is important you trash this issue out before moving from this point because if you allow any remnant of it to linger in the relationship, it would grow to become a monster that would destroy whatever it is that you both are planning for the future.

To totally condemn her based on this one mistake may also not be right, no matter how despicable her behaviour is, if God gives us opportunities to reform and change when we fall short of His glory and expectations, it follows that we should demonstrate the same magnanimity towards our fellow human beings. Nobody can claim to be perfect. Besides, building a perfect relationship does not happen over night.

To convince yourself she is not after your money, withdraw the privilege for now and don’t honour all financial demands for now. If you feel her demands are genuine, ask her to open an account where you can transfer money to her from your bank. Her conduct there after should give you a good idea of your place in her life and tell you whether to continue with her or not.

Most importantly, commit your relationship to God through prayers. If she is yours, you both would overcome this but if she isn’t, God would in His mercy bring your way a woman who would make you happy.

Good luck.

I’ll Soon Leave My Wife And Children

Dear Agatha,

I just want to say you are really doing a great job through your words of wisdom.

Please, I need your advice on what to do about the situation in my home. I have been married for about eight years now. I am in my mid 30s while my wife is in her early 30s.

Unfortunately, my wife still behaves as if she doesn’t know the responsibilities that come with being married. Her idea of being married is to issue frequent queries to me, get into unnecessary arguments with me or nag me at every opportunity. Whenever she does any form of housework, she becomes combative. Even though I am always at a loss as to why she picks up a fight whenever she does the housework, to avoid problems I assist her tend to the children, keep the house clean and all the other housework but sadly nothing pleases her. She nags and complains.

Agatha, many a time, I have felt like running away from my home and marriage which is blessed with two wonderful children who are seven and four years.

Please, what can I do because I am almost at the end of my sanity and would soon erupt if the situation persists in my home? At this stage, I really don’t care what becomes of the marriage any more.

Ernest.

Dear Ernest,

I understand the emotional trauma of having a bad home but that is not enough reason for you to want to pack up your marriage. Show me a marriage that is 100 per cent free of stress and I would show you a liar. There is no marriage without its fair share of problems and compromises. A lot of those marriages we think are perfect have gone through very tough baptism of fire. Divorce is not always the first option or solution to matrimonial problems rather it compounds the problem, which keeps expanding as the children get older and wiser.

What you think is a problem may after all not be as difficult as it appears. Just concentrate on those grey areas and also learn to be a little bit firm. Household chores fall under the portfolio of the woman of the house. It is her duties to keep her home clean, care for the children and you. It isn’t your duty. Yours is to ensure the bills are paid as and when due, be the shoulder for all of them to lean on in good times and in bad times, spend time with the family and give them all the love they need.

Helping her with the housework is because you want to, not because you have to. It is an abnormality for the woman of the house to sit down and watch her man do the house chores. It is wrong.

Sit her down and explain all these to her without getting angry. This is no time to be bossy or to show unnecessary anger. Compromises can only work if the two people in a marriage are willing to invest in it. Where only one person makes all the effort, the union becomes endangered because the party would get tired. Granted, her behaviour leaves much to be desired. You are also not being fair to your marriage and yourself by doing all those things simply because your wife nags. By so doing, you are denying her of the chance to be responsible, allowing her to set the wrong values for your children.

And one of the dangers of such actions is what you are feeling now. You have boxed yourself into a very precarious situation, you feel like packing it up because you can no longer continue with the pattern you have established in your home. If the truth must be told, you encouraged the behaviour of your wife.

To get out of it, call her for a serious re-evaluation of the situation in your home. Be very honest about your feelings as this is no time to pretend you are happy with the situation when in actual fact you feel like putting as much distance between the two of you as possible. Start by explaining to her what you expect of her as a wife and mother and what is expected of you as a husband and father. Continue by sharing your innermost feelings and fears with her. Don’t hold anything back from her.

Doubtless, the part about you wanting to runaway from home would shock her into reality. No sane woman takes pride in a broken home. There are underlying factors influencing her mode of behaviour. The dialogue would help you find out and address them permanently.

Don’t also forget to invite God into your home. Even though you are the physical head, He is the spiritual head of the family so take your marriage to the only one that has the powers to make perfect imperfect situations.

Good luck.

My Husband Frustrates, Cheats On Me

Dear Agatha,

I am married with a child. My marriage is two years old. Frankly speaking, I am not finding this marriage easy or interesting. Recently, my husband introduced a lady to me as his village sister because both of them are from the same neighborhood.  

I didn’t know they were dating until the day God exposed them. I know he has been cheating on me but decided for peace sake to look the other way, but this one is just too much for me to bear. I am finding it very difficult to forget. Please help me.

Vanessa.

Dear Vanessa,

The worst thing that can happen to any marriage is unfaithfulness. It creates incurable injury in the relationship between the couple. It brings about doubts, low esteem on the part of the person being cheated on, destroys trust as well as generates a deep valley of pains and sense of acute betrayal.

However, the alternative choice is often not an easy one especially for the woman. To quit is to give the stranger in the marriage the opportunity of coming in to be the bona-fide occupant of a home in which she was previously a stranger.

The reluctance of the society to support a woman to quit her home comes from the knowledge that extra-martial affairs is common with most men and quitting one marriage as a result of it is one of the most unwise things for any woman to do.

The reality many women face in their marriages is that of the other woman.  Whether women like it or not, acknowledge it or not, in most marriages, there is always the other woman. A woman practically knows when to push and when to simply keep quiet and allow the natural sequence of life take its course.

Doubtless, this man has been very unfair to you but quitting has never been an option at all. Should you quit now, a time would come again when you feel the urge to be with a man and settle down into another companionship. What happens if that man turns out to be another womaniser, heart breaker? Would you also quit to try with another person? 

Life at every point we find ourselves, is a process of choices as well as sacrifices. More than any other institution in the world, marriage demands the greatest sacrifice as well as determination. It begins with so much hope but holds the worst pains, disappointments and sacrifices. Only a fool sees marriage as a jolly train ride. For any marriage to breathe a sigh of relief and point others at how to go and avoid the slippery path, it must have gone through its own challenges. This is the stage for you to build character into your relationship, giving the skeleton flesh and recognisable features that will make your story telling and counsel to others going through similar challenges worth listening to.

Marriage is about patience, selflessness, tolerance and a firm determination to make it work at all cost. Betrayal or not, he remains your husband, one you have to learn to tolerate. He has become your albatross; one you must employ wisdom and grace of God to live with. You both grew up as two separate entities before becoming an item. Your moral and social attitudes are different and for both of you to achieve your reason for being together, a lot of wisdom and friendship must be invested to insure your relationship with your husband.

Therefore, refusing to let go of the memories will only keep increasing your anger and pains of betrayal. Granted he lied to you about the lady being his village sister, is frustrating yourself the right panacea to the issue at hand?

Don’t allow whatever the motive of both your husband and this lady for lying to you affect your relationship with your husband and reason for deciding to marry him in the first place. You must have recognised something special in him that made you decide on him from the number of men that asked for your hand in a relationship. 

Certainly, his conduct falls short of what is expected from a loved one but the best way to fight an aggressive opponent especially in marriage is for the woman of the house to be calm and calculative. 

You have to be calm to get your husband to listen to your complaints and hurt. One thing is for your husband to see your anger; it is another thing for him to feel your pains and disappointment. Being calculative makes it possible for you to know when he isn’t in the mood to be receptive to your discussions or query about the nature of his relationship with his so-called village sister. 

Truly, this is where you have to take stock, consider the future of your child as well as your reasons for marrying this man. You didn’t marry him because you were forced into it, but because he held something special for you. Don’t allow any other woman take away your dreams from you without struggling to fight for what is yours. This man is yours, licensed, sealed and delivered to you by the laws of God and man. Don’t let pride ever get in the way of ensuring you don’t lose your license to another woman. Only a woman who isn’t sure of what she is doing with her man gives up her home without putting up a fight to protect her space.

No matter how much you are hurting, set it aside and ask yourself what your own faults are as a woman. Why and when did he become a womaniser? When did it graduate from an off thing to habitual? Has it to do with your attitude towards him, the quality of your image, housekeeping, care of him as your husband? How much time and respect do you have for him? What kind of interest do you show in his work, business and person? Beyond being your husband, is he your friend? Are you both able to laugh with or at each other? Do you take any interest in his interests, friends and other things that make him happy? Marriage isn’t just about both of you sleeping together and making babies. There is more to it. It is a meeting of the body, spirit and soul. It is trying to live in the body of the other person. 

To make this marriage work, you must teach him how to love and respect you first as a person and later as his wife. Integrity and respect insure marriage from the devastation that comes from the process of two different people trying to make a life together. 

Over time, you would come to have the understanding to manage this traditional problem in most marriages. By the time you come to understand what you want from life and this marriage, believe me, these other women won’t matter as much as they bother you now. Not even the current threat presented by his so-called village sister would frighten you as much as it does now. 

Silence is what you need most now, because with the kind of emotions going on inside you, you risk rocking the fragile chord of your marriage by confronting him now. What he needs to bring him back home is to present him with a better alternative to what these other women give him.

Look at his other women; put yourself in the position of his mistress. As his mistress, what would you do to wrestle power from the hands of these other women? In addition to using your body, use your money and knowledge of him as the man you have lived with for two years to get him back. Because those women don’t have the stake you have in his life, don’t expend energy fighting them or him. That will only divert you from what you have to do. Also don’t listen to friends who may want to discourage you from adopting humility as a weapon.

In war, anything is considered fair. So, get books that deal with love-making and improved relationship. Read them; apply your new knowledge on him. Woo him with gifts, well-cooked food and sexy cloths. Make him jealous with a new haircut and clothes. Listen to his criticism of you and turn it around as your strong point.

Above all, pray away these women rather than fight them physically. God has his heart in his hands and he can effortlessly make these women become irritable to him. All you have to do is learn to trust God and let him reign over your home.

Don’t expect this to be easy; but by the time he comes to realise that despite all he is doing with other women you are still very patient and caring for him, he would eventually come back to you. Whereas, fighting him would only drive him further away from you. Patience builds, while pride destroys.

Be careful to do the right thing for your child and marriage.

Good luck.

I’m Fed Up With Boys

Dear Agatha,

I am facing the greatest challenge of my life. I am 19 years of age and have a boyfriend who beats me so much while he still seeing his ex-girlfriend. What baffles me is his claim that he loves me. Because of the way he is treating me, I decided to pack up the relationship. 

During this time, I met another boy who also claims to be in love with me. Unfortunately, I discovered along the line that all the stories he told me about himself were nothing but lies. I have made up my mind to quit the relationship. Meanwhile, my ex-boyfriend is pleading with me to come back and give him a second chance. I am fed up with boys. I don’t know what to do.

Sandra 

Dear Sandra,

Sincerely, you don’t need this kind of experience at your age. You have too much going for you to allow any man at this stage in your life turn you into a punching bag.

If you begin your life enduring abusive relationship, what would you do when you are older and married? No matter how irritating women get, no man has the right to beat them because of the love they share.

Frankly speaking, this isn’t the kind of man you need in your life. At 19, you need a man to love, appreciate, understand and support you to build confidence in yourself. In a situation where you are already being subjected to violence in your relationship, you unwittingly expose yourself to the danger of an unbalanced emotional relationship. 

But that is also not to say that you may not be guilty of encouraging this violence in this relationship. To be very candid, not many men have what it takes to withstand the violent nature of the tongue of most women. If violence has become the hallmark of your relationship with this man, he alone cannot take the blame. You must, for the sake of posterity, check on your own attitude, character, disposition to him and relationship as well as your conduct with other people, especially men. 

Just as it takes two to tangle, so also it takes two to destroy something very special. Granted that he presents himself as less than a man by beating you, it is in your interest to also be truthful to yourself if you intend to go far with another man. It is always easier for us to shift all the blame to another person, conveniently ignoring our own contributions to the situation we find ourselves in. 

What makes him beat you and when does he do that? What are the situations between the two of you that give birth to this violence? If you are in the habit of hauling insults at him, disrespecting him at will, ignoring his dislikes and pretending you only has the wisdom to conduct this relationship, there is bound to be conflict and a man who has the propensity towards violence would find himself beating you even before he has the time to think out his actions properly.

To help prevent a re-occurrence of this ugly incident in your future relationship, it is pertinent and in your interest too, to take a holistic view of this relationship. It is the only way you can do what is right; see your own faults and delete those things in your life that will not agree with most men. This will also help you to decide whether ••the cause of his violence is from you or not, just as it would also enable you decide whether you should consider taking him back.

And if you do decide you want to go back, it is also important both of you sit to discuss your welfare in this relationship. Like I said, a real man doesn’t go about beating his woman. A man can still assert his authority in a relationship, put his woman under check by merely looking at her without even saying anything. It all depends on the level of maturity of the man and how much respect he has earned from the woman.

Use the opportunity of his coming back to beg you to put some sanity into the relationship. If you love him enough, forgive him, but be wise in ensuring you don’t go back to the same situation. 

If you must, don’t rush into it. Insist on being friends first, something you obviously didn’t insist on before now. If you are both friends first before being lovers, relegating sex to the background and erecting all the right structures that make relationship absolutely rich and interesting, violence will eventually be relegated to the background. 

As a woman you must learn to be patient, supportive and understanding in any relationship.

As for the second man, you didn’t give yourself enough time to know him, recover from the pains of your previous relationship before rushing into it. 

Generally, you must have a clear idea of the kind of man that would make you very happy before contemplating any relationship. You are obviously having all these problems because you lack a vision for your life.

Having a master plan for your life would go a long way in helping you to build your love life along positive lines. To do it right, ask God for help.

Good luck.

How Do I Keep Our Relationship Platonic?

Dear Agatha,
May the Lord bless you for the impact you are making on the lives of youths of this nation.

I am an avid reader of your column. Following the advice you gave to a 16-year-old girl like me not to have a boyfriend, I also decided to avoid having one. 
There is this male friend of mine who I am close to. We met through a mutual friend of ours at a traditional wedding ceremony we both attended. It has been six months now. I discover him to be very caring and a very good friend. He treats me as the sister he doesn’t have. He is single and he has never mentioned anything concerning relationship until now.
According to him, he has never had a girlfriend but hoping to have one some day. Recently, we were chatting on line and he confessed his feelings for me. I have not given him an answer yet. I want to decline but not in anyway that will hurt him or jeopardise our friendship because he is too emotional. Though, I have feelings for him, I can control them.
Please Agatha, how do I tell and make him understand that I am not ready for a relationship yet? Please I need your candid advice.
Mellanie.

Dear Mellanie, 

If this man loves you, then he should wait for you to mature and ready to settle into a relationship. At 16, you have too much on your plates in terms of getting education as well as learning about the ways of life. 

At your age, any mistake can effectively derail you. Besides, this is the best time for you to devote to your studies. If you miss this time, it will be very difficult for you to combine other things with your academic activities especially if what goes wrong involves you having to drop out of school to have a baby. Relationships and men never go out of fashion unlike others things that happen in life. 

Provided you are not rude to him and his friendship with you is wholesome, unselfish as well as understanding, he won’t feel offended by your stance. On the contrary, he would give you all the support you need to be what you want to be.

It is only a man who has an ulterior motive for being a friend to a woman that gets offended when she turns down his request for a deeper relationship.

Be very frank about it and learn to have confidence in the friendship you have built in the last six months. Without trust and confidence in your friends, there is always the tendency to fall into the wrong conclusions about them. 

Despite your resolve not to go into a relationship, there is no harm in having platonic friends. It is a way of building your confidence as well as trust in members of the opposite sex.

What will hurt him most is not in your telling him you are not interested in taking the friendship to the next level but shutting him out of your life on account of his interest in you. Your handling of this situation is one of the things you have to learn in life because he is the one of many men who will come to ask for your heart.

You will do well in your life to be practical, bold, truthful and clear-minded about your vision for yourself. This way, at every point, you will know what to say and do. Also, don’t ever stray from the presence of God. Good luck. 

I’ve Problem Introducing My Fiancée To My Parents

Dear Agatha,

I am a lady of 24 years, a student of Lagos State University, studying Banking and Finance and in my 400 level. I am in a relationship with a 30-year-old man, also a graduate of the same university.

He is an economist who is into business. We have been dating for two years. There was nothing definite about the relationship when we started but he recently asked me to marry him. 

I haven’t given him an answer because I am currently confused. This has to do with what we have been through together. Severally, we got close to ending the relationship but he elected to stay on against all odds. 

Sincerely this relationship wasn’t meant by either of us to be serious because we were both into other relationships. It naturally stood as a distraction for us both. I made him think my other relationship was in a bad shape while he also told me he wasn’t really in love with the lady he was engaged to.  After some months, I lied I had broken up the other relationship and that he was now the only one in my life. But this backfired when I got pregnant for the other guy while he was abroad. He found out about it and was very disappointed in me.

I had to put a huge distance between the two of us to sort myself out. Surprisingly, he kept calling and checking on me. I eventually aborted the pregnancy since I couldn’t keep it.  Despite this, he still found his way back to me but I didn’t believe in his love. I doubted his intentions as well as what he wanted from me.  

I just didn’t bother to create the right kind of impression about him in my family. My family got away with the impression that he was only out to exploit as well as take advantage of me. 

Despite all I did to discourage him, he stayed on, never taking advantage of me. He kept offering me support. He even went to the extent of advising me to stay off sex until my wedding night. 

I see him almost every day in the week and most times we are always alone but he never once attempted to force me into an uncompromising situation.

Because of the impression I created of him within my family circle, I now have difficulties taking him to my parents for proper introduction and telling them of his intentions to marry me. I am scared of telling them for fear of being turned down by my parents. I really do love and appreciate him now and wouldn’t want to lose him. 

I am almost through with my education. It’s a part-time programme. I will be finishing next year. I receive lectures only at weekends. He understands and he is ready to support and see me through. My fears still rest on my parents’ reactions.  I don’t know how to relate it to them. Please, I need you to help me analyse this.

Worried Girl.

Dear Worried Girl, 

Your major concern now should be how to finish your education. In your final year, you need all the concentration to sail through. Once you are through, you can face the issue of who to marry. 

Given the delicate stage of your education, it would be more than you can handle if you have to battle your parents over accepting your boyfriend. Certain things are best left unsaid until there is enough time to properly tackle them. There is no way you can handle the reactions of your parents, as well as the attendant consequences of combining your disobeying them with your studies.

Besides, there are several ways of changing their minds without you saying anything. Even though you have made the mistake of colouring him in less than appealing shades before your parents, you still can do damage control by gradually exposing them to his character, his love for you as well as that special thing that has changed your opinion of him. 

Granted they may not be too willing to accept him whole-heartedly at the initial stage, if you prepare him properly, telling him what you previously told your parents about him and how that has since changed, he would develop the necessary patience to outwit your parents’ rejection of him. 

If you do your public relations well, things would eventually sort themselves out. To do this right, you need help from within the family. Enlist the support of your favorite sibling; tell him or her everything you have shared with me. This sibling will join you in marketing the qualities of your boyfriend to your family. 

Over time, with the support of this sibling as well as your own efforts, your parents would begin to see another side of him. By the time you are ready to introduce him officially, they will be more than ready to accept him. 

This has also taught you an important lesson in life: to be careful of what you say about people around you. Rushed impression about people you are just meeting, often turn out to be wrong. Until you are exposed to the character of a person over time, it is difficult to form a firm impression. If you hadn’t given your family a wrong impression about this man, you won’t be struggling to re-brand him now that you know he isn’t the kind of person you thought.

Furthermore, learn to pray to God as often as you can because at the end of the day, that is where your real help is. Learn to trust him implicitly.

Good luck. 

Pastor Predicts Disappointment

Dear Agatha, 

Thank God for your life on how he has been helping you to provide solution to people’s problem both physically and spiritually. God bless you.
There is this girl I met a year ago, who was then in the habit of coming to my place to do online registration as well as check her result. I have known her for a while but started developing interest in her about a year ago. I immediately made my intentions known to her. Initially she declined but later accepted when I helped her gain admission into a tertiary institution. We later agreed to marry each other.

Because she stays in the hostel, she comes to spend weekends or holidays at my place.
Problem started when I travelled to collect my SSCE original result. I showed my mother and sister the picture I took with her. They admired her but my mother told me she has to pray over it and I gave her the go ahead.
Last week, my mother called me and told me that her pastor told her that the girl would later disappoint me. I told my friends and they said I should try and ask the girl if she really loves me and will not later disappoint me. 

I took to my friends’ counsel and called her to question her on her feelings for me. She assured me nothing would ever come between us. It was as if she knew what I had in mind. 
Before she met me, someone had broken her heart and she made a vow never to trust any man again. 

Following the extent of her disappointment, she had actually made up her mind to become a nun. She later confessed not knowing what made her agree to a relationship with me. I promised never to break her heart and from her disposition to me, I have succeeded in restoring her faith in love and relationship.
Agatha, please what shall I do? I didn’t tell the poor girl what is going on. I love this girl and she loves me too.  

She told me she loves me with her whole heart. She confessed that she almost killed herself when the other guy disappointed her. I haven’t told my parents what my decision concerning my relationship with this girl is despite the fact that they have been flashing me. 

My two elder sisters were also told similar things when they brought their proposed partners home but they both went ahead to marry these men and are today living happily with these men. Their decision to ignore my parents led to a division within the family. I have been the one trying to unite the family to no avail. Now, the same thing is happening to me. I can’t leave this girl because I have promised not to disappoint her.
Agatha, what do I do? Should I stand by the prophecy? Left to me, I don’t believe in it. Please, I need your advice.
Stid.

Dear Stid, 

Be clear about one thing: do you love her? Are you sure what you both feel is real and can withstand the test of time? To make a promise is one thing; to be sure of the reason for which you are making the promise is another matter. 

Pastors and people with spiritual powers will always have something to say but the bottom line is what God has to say on the matter. Most times, when such predictions come, it is meant for us to seek the face of God personally on the issue for which we seek spiritual guidance. 

Many prophecies are warning signals for us to pray more and get God involved in our decisions especially on the issue of a life partner. Rather than get agitated over what the pastor said or didn’t say, you go to God in prayers. If you have never prayed or committed your ways to God, this is the time for you to do so. 

From experience, God never hides his ways and wishes from his own. If it is true that this girl and you aren’t meant to be an item, he will tell you so himself and if it is something he wants you to continue with, he will point out what you should do. 

It is important you both seek the face of God because life is laced in mysteries which we have no control over or understanding of. 

You may both agree to spend the rest of your lives together but there are situations in life that could work against one’s plans and desires. This is because everything in life revolves round humans and therefore subject to the imperfect nature of our beings. 

Even when a relationship has all the spiritual support to succeed, little bumps can still torpedo it if those involved are careless spiritually. Rather than fight your parents over this and further tear the family apart, go first to God in prayers and fasting. Once you have him on your side, he knows how to go about the situation without breaking the family up.

Good luck. 

Does A Disdainful Lover Worth Dating?

Dear Agatha,
I am 19 years of age. I am currently having issues with my boyfriend who is in the habit of forcing me to sleep with him and looks down on me in the presence of his friends.
Do you think I should continue to date him or walk away?
Blessing.


Dear Blessing,
Frankly this is a needless question. If someone is forcing you to act against your will, treat you with disdain in the presence of his friends, you don’t need anybody to tell you to quit.
At 19, you are too young to allow anybody this kind of thing to happen to you. People don’t go into relationship just for the fun of it; we all go into relationships to be happy as well as have the support to actualise our own dreams. As a young girl who aspires for greater things in life, what would you say you have achieved in this relationship beyond the debasement of your person, dreams and ideas?
A man who is in love with the woman in his life wouldn’t force her into doing anything she doesn’t want to do. When a man forces a woman to have sex against her will, he is raping her. That he is known to you and your boyfriend doesn’t alter from the fact that he is inflicting a kind of psychological problem on. Don’t ever allow anybody give you less than what you deserve.
The danger of staying in this relationship is the risk of very low esteem of yourself and your inability to ever trust any man in your life. It is too much of a risk for any woman to take.
Don’t be afraid of how you are going to live without him; trust me you are better off without him. If you don’t leave him, the man destined to help you become a happy woman will not have the chance to come into your life. There is the possibility he is capitalising on an inherent fear he sees in you to further destroy you. whatever your fear or phobia is, do yourself a world of good by easing yourself out of this relationship as fast as you can before this guy destroys your self-esteem completely.
If he feels you are important to him, he would come back to you; this time on your own terms which would make the building of viable relationship between the two of you very possible. The truth is what you have now is a master-servant arrangement and not a relationship at all.
For now, it might be better for you to concentrate more on your studies instead of rushing into a relationship. Use the opportunity of you being in between a relationship to look inwards at yourself; it is obvious something isn’t exactly right somewhere. Ask yourself why you have consistently allowed this man treat you with disdain, intimidate and humiliate you as well as why you have put up with it.
Is it that you enjoy violent sex or the treatment he gives you? Were you at anytime in your life violated? Is he the first man in your life because women generally get too emotional about being the man who deflowered them?
Whatever the reasons are, it is important you realise that unless you purchase your respect, nobody would. Whatever dark secret your past may hold, bury them and move forward. We are all meant to go through some disappointments sometime or other in our life. These experiences are meant to sharpen us, give us a clearer and realistic approach to life generally.
The beauty of life is being able to pick up after a fall. You will find out that there is more to life than violent sex if you learn to concentrate more on finding out the good things God invested in you and how you can harness to His glory and general good of the society.
There is no way you can get to this point if you expose yourself, feelings and future to ill treatment. As it stands this guy has nothing to lose whereas, you have more than your present to lose. Gradually, his attitude would flow into your future making it almost impossible to enjoy normal intimacy with any man or have a trusting relationship.
The quality of relationship one is into determines the kind of life one would have. Without the succour, trust, friendship relationship offers, life can become meaningless or unexciting which makes it dangerous to entrust your life to someone who doesn’t value it at all.
In God’s time, you will find your own Adam provided you are kind on yourself by refusing to give the control of your life to this man and desire the best in life.
Good luck.

Lonely Heart

Dear Agatha,
Ekene lives in Lagos, 26 years old, dark in complexion needs a girl of between 20 to 22 years of age for a very serious relationship that could lead to marriage. She must also reside in Lagos and must also be fair in complexion. Any interested lady should call 08036042479 or send a mail to furntom2@yahoo.com. Please no flashing.

I Want To Marry My Late Wife’s Best Friend

Dear Agatha,

I am in a fix and don’t know how to handle the situation. My wife died two years after our marriage. She actually died during childbirth leaving me with the responsibility of caring for a little baby. Being an orphan, I didn’t have anyone to turn to on my side. My late wife was my best friend and I loved her so much. I would have gladly given her family the freedom to care for the baby, but not with them accusing me of killing their daughter. It was a very traumatic period for me and I would have completely lost it if not for her best friend and chief bride’s maid, who stepped in to help me with the baby. 

Since she runs her own business, it was easier for her to take time off. She devoted herself completely to the care of the baby, sometimes taking her away for the whole week, especially when she has to travel for her business. 

Her devotion to the baby gave me the much needed respite to concentrate on my job. 

About nine months after my wife died, I noticed she was as happy as she once was. It was through another friend of theirs I got the information that her boyfriend walked out on her because of her attachment to the baby. He said the baby was coming between them. 

When I asked her if the information I got was true, she initially denied but later confirmed it. She said she didn’t tell me to prevent me from feeling bad. 

Feeling very bad, I decided to get someone to help me with the baby. But that turned out to be a big mistake because not only did the baby reject the paid help from the very day they met, I later discovered she was after me and had no real interest in the baby. I had to go back to my wife’s friend when the baby became really sick. Immediately she carried the baby, she became calm and refused to allow even me to carry her. 

It has been more than a year since my wife died and I am hopelessly in love with her best friend. I have tried everything I know how to do to get her off my mind but nothing is working. 

She is one of the most wonderful persons I have ever met. I want to marry her but is so afraid of how to go about it, especially as she and my late wife were very good friends. 

What would people say? Would they not, like my late wife’s relatives, think we both killed my wife so she can come in? Even though my best friend who is the only one who knows how I really feel thinks I couldn’t have made a better choice, I am scared of losing her if it turns out she doesn’t feel anything for me. I am so used to having her around me that I sometime pretend we are a married couple already.  

Confused Man.

Dear Confused Man, 

There are three clear issues here for which you must provide an answer with all honesty. Did you kill your wife? Were you in any way instrumental to what finally took her life? Do you love this other lady unconditionally? Are you in love with her out of a sense of gratitude for helping you with the baby or because you feel something very deep for her? What are you really scared of? Do you feel guilty at the death of your wife or falling in love with her best friend? 

If you are very sure you are really blameless in the death of your wife, ignore what people are saying or what they would say. Whether you do the right thing or not, people will always talk. It is the way the world is made. Life isn’t meant to be fair or clearly defined. Our clarity and fairness is anchored in God who knows and sees all things from beginning to finish. 

What you should really do is to take time off work and go away for a while, to a place where you cannot be reached for you to really think about everything that has happened to you in the last two years. If you can cope alone with the baby, you could both go. As a matter of fact, it would be very ideal because it would help take your mind away from calling her to know how the baby is. 

Being alone with your child will give you first hand information on how you plan to cope without a woman helping you with your responsibility. The holiday would afford you the isolation to congregate your thoughts and fit them into the right box. You must have a clear understanding of what you feel for this woman before presenting her with your feelings. This is very important; you don’t make the mistake of substituting gratitude for love. 

It is also important you make peace with the memory of your past if you desire to be happy in the future. There is nothing that destroys a relationship like the guilty memories of a past relationship. Think of what your wife would have wanted for you: remaining single or having someone who loves you and cares for the baby in your life?

If your wife were truly your best friend, she would understand that you cannot live life alone. That, being a grown up man, you need companionship and that her child needs a mother. What better person can she trust the two people who mattered most to her while alive than her best friend? You know her better than most people and can tell what she would have wanted you to do under the circumstances. Once you are able to get over the guilt of you being alive while she died giving birth to your child, it would be a lot easier for you to forge ahead with whatever decision you come to. 

The dead is gone, cannot come back to you, no matter how much you wish it possible. Her life with you belongs to yesterday. Sad as it may sound, the present and future are another new chapter entirely. She will always get a mention in your life but being dead has ended your pact with her. 

If this woman has all that you desire in a woman, don’t hesitate to make clear your intentions to her as soon as you make up your mind. The danger of delay is that someone else may come for her and she may out of frustration accept even if her heart is with you. 

It would have been a completely different case if your wife was still alive and you were having these feelings for her best friend. You are developing these feelings for this woman because you just have to fall in love again. It could have been another woman but your heart decided on her. Don’t be confused or bother your head at what people would say. It is your life, your happiness that matters at the end of the day. 

Don’t give people the right to dictate what you should do or how to manage your life. They don’t have your experience, dream and cannot imagine the things you have been through since your wife died. To allow them dictate how you progress henceforth is to give people power they don’t have over you. Make your dream a reality by telling her what you feel. Even if she refuses you at the end of the day, you will rest easy knowing that you tried your best. 

However, go to God first. It is important He takes charge of everything.

Good luck.

She Lied About Her Age

Dear Agatha,

I am always impressed with the way you answer questions on love and relationships. I am also an ardent reader of your column. I would like to share my own problem with you for a very sincere answer too.

I am a 35-year-old man who is in love with a woman I met two years ago. Being unemployed, I asked her to give me her Curricular Vitae (CV).

Going through the CV, I discovered that she put her date of birth as January 18, 1975. But on close examination, I discovered she is actually 34 years since one can calculate the approximate age of someone from the year he finished primary school. From that discovery, it was obvious she lied about her age to me. I love her very much, but Agatha, why would she lie to me about her age? This discovery is making me very apprehensive of the future. At 34, she is just a year my junior. Would she not experience complications during pregnancy and at labour? If she could lie about her age, I think she also might have lied about other things. Though she denied having a relationship at the moment, how can I be sure? Because of her, plus the arrogance and unfaithfulness of my former girlfriend I sent the latter away only to discover that she too is less than truthful to me. 

I detest lies so much. It is painful because I expect her to be honest with me. Although I promised to marry her, I am now concerned that she lied about her age. My feelings for her now are not as strong as they were. To be honest, this discovery has left me in a quandary. What do I do now? Please advise me.

Owodife

Dear Owodife,

Although not many people, especially men would understand and appreciate your reactions to what many men now think is normal with women, I can. It is wrong for persons in a relationship to keep secrets especially one that is as important as age. Even if she lies to everybody about her true age, she should at least trust you with her actual birth date.

I am sure if she told you the truth, it wouldn’t have changed anything unless of course you are naturally adverse to older women or that your feelings for her were never deep enough to overcome problems that come along in the relationship. If you love her, sit her down and open up to her. Explain your disappointment at her behaviour and how it is affecting your affections for her. It is best she knows the extent her lies have affected you. 

It would teach her to be very honest about herself and other things in future. There is no perfect human being. Only God is perfect and since in his perfection, he still finds us worthy of his love and care, who are we sinners to condemn one another?

Both of you should give yourself a fresh start by opening up to each other. I am sure, you also have certain things about your life you have not told her or think unimportant for her to know. If you are really honest with yourself, you would discover that to some extent, you have also withheld certain information from her. Unless she is a pathological liar, this incident would teach her to be truthful.

On the issue of her not being able to conceive and give birth without complications, my doctor friend said modern science has made it possible for women who are even older than her to have stress-free pregnancy. He explained that most times, the composition of the individual woman rather than her age is the problem. Some older women who are very healthy have easier pregnancy and labour than younger women who aren’t as strong. A lot depends on the health of the woman.

Granted that some doctors worry over older women getting pregnant, at 35, she is not yet in the high-risk zone.

Importantly, commit the relationship to God. He only has the answers to our life problems.

Good luck.

How Do I Control Early Ejaculation?

Dear Agatha,

I have a serious problem with my fiancée. She complains about my quick ejaculation before climax which had been my problem since a long time. Once I suck a woman’s breast, I begin to experience ejaculation. I want you to help me by giving me clues on how to salvage the situation before it gets out of hand. 

Kelly.

Dear Kelly, 

Lovemaking is a two-way traffic. Trying to go solo often results in disappointment. What you should do is to sit your girlfriend down and explain your kind of problems to her. If she knows that you come to early ejaculation when you fondle her nipples, she might not insist on it. 

Discussing it with her would afford both of you the opportunity of exploring other methods of romance that will leave out her breasts until you are ready to climax. This is because, for some women, the nipples are the most erotic zones. If she falls within this category of women, you must both find another erotic zone in her body to do what the nipples do for her. If you fail to carry her along, she too would feel dissatisfied by your performance.

To marry your deficiency with her desire, you must trust, be willing to make the necessary sacrifice, have the clear knowledge of what your time together means to the other person as well as where you are both headed.

Lovemaking itself is a strong means of communication and if the wrong message is transmitted it could lead to a complete let down of all other feelings attached to it. 

Once she is ready to partner with you, the problem would be half-solved.

Good luck.

Drugs For Breast Enhancement

Dear Agatha,

I love and appreciate the way you treat people’s problems.

Please, I would want you to help me over the following problems: Is there any drug for breast enlargement?

People say that there are some herbal drugs that can be used to increase the size of the breast.

Please I want you to recommend any drug for the enlargement of breasts without going under the surgeon’s knife.

Another question is: can the drug I take prevent me from adding weight? Please treat this as urgent.

Blessing.

Dear Blessing,

I am told there are herbal drugs that can help enlarge the breasts without going under the surgeon’s knife.

It is best you consult a qualified herbal practitioner for further information because you have to undergo several tests and observation to confirm the suitability or otherwise of some of these drugs before taking them.

Don’t make the mistake a lot of people make by taking drugs without prescription or supervision.

There are quite a handful of qualified herbal clinics and practitioners in the country. It is also in your interest to investigate the quality and qualifications of the owners of the clinic before patronising them because of the prevalence of quacks in the practice. 

Sensible eating would ensure you keep your weight at a manageable level. Get into the habit of eating fresh fruits and vegetables everyday. If you are in the habit of eating junk food, desist. 

When hungry, snack only on fruits would do; and always drink plenty of water. Pureeing fruits like watermelon, tomatoes, pineapple into juice is excellent and healthy as replacement for soft drinks, canned or packed fruit juices which often time are made from artificial flavours and colourings.

Also look for a form of exercise you can fit conveniently into your schedule. 

It could be walking, jogging or swimming. Learn too to drink plenty of water.

Good luck.