My Husband Frustrates, Cheats On Me

Dear Agatha,

I am married with a child. My marriage is two years old. Frankly speaking, I am not finding this marriage easy or interesting. Recently, my husband introduced a lady to me as his village sister because both of them are from the same neighborhood.  

I didn’t know they were dating until the day God exposed them. I know he has been cheating on me but decided for peace sake to look the other way, but this one is just too much for me to bear. I am finding it very difficult to forget. Please help me.

Vanessa.

Dear Vanessa,

The worst thing that can happen to any marriage is unfaithfulness. It creates incurable injury in the relationship between the couple. It brings about doubts, low esteem on the part of the person being cheated on, destroys trust as well as generates a deep valley of pains and sense of acute betrayal.

However, the alternative choice is often not an easy one especially for the woman. To quit is to give the stranger in the marriage the opportunity of coming in to be the bona-fide occupant of a home in which she was previously a stranger.

The reluctance of the society to support a woman to quit her home comes from the knowledge that extra-martial affairs is common with most men and quitting one marriage as a result of it is one of the most unwise things for any woman to do.

The reality many women face in their marriages is that of the other woman.  Whether women like it or not, acknowledge it or not, in most marriages, there is always the other woman. A woman practically knows when to push and when to simply keep quiet and allow the natural sequence of life take its course.

Doubtless, this man has been very unfair to you but quitting has never been an option at all. Should you quit now, a time would come again when you feel the urge to be with a man and settle down into another companionship. What happens if that man turns out to be another womaniser, heart breaker? Would you also quit to try with another person? 

Life at every point we find ourselves, is a process of choices as well as sacrifices. More than any other institution in the world, marriage demands the greatest sacrifice as well as determination. It begins with so much hope but holds the worst pains, disappointments and sacrifices. Only a fool sees marriage as a jolly train ride. For any marriage to breathe a sigh of relief and point others at how to go and avoid the slippery path, it must have gone through its own challenges. This is the stage for you to build character into your relationship, giving the skeleton flesh and recognisable features that will make your story telling and counsel to others going through similar challenges worth listening to.

Marriage is about patience, selflessness, tolerance and a firm determination to make it work at all cost. Betrayal or not, he remains your husband, one you have to learn to tolerate. He has become your albatross; one you must employ wisdom and grace of God to live with. You both grew up as two separate entities before becoming an item. Your moral and social attitudes are different and for both of you to achieve your reason for being together, a lot of wisdom and friendship must be invested to insure your relationship with your husband.

Therefore, refusing to let go of the memories will only keep increasing your anger and pains of betrayal. Granted he lied to you about the lady being his village sister, is frustrating yourself the right panacea to the issue at hand?

Don’t allow whatever the motive of both your husband and this lady for lying to you affect your relationship with your husband and reason for deciding to marry him in the first place. You must have recognised something special in him that made you decide on him from the number of men that asked for your hand in a relationship. 

Certainly, his conduct falls short of what is expected from a loved one but the best way to fight an aggressive opponent especially in marriage is for the woman of the house to be calm and calculative. 

You have to be calm to get your husband to listen to your complaints and hurt. One thing is for your husband to see your anger; it is another thing for him to feel your pains and disappointment. Being calculative makes it possible for you to know when he isn’t in the mood to be receptive to your discussions or query about the nature of his relationship with his so-called village sister. 

Truly, this is where you have to take stock, consider the future of your child as well as your reasons for marrying this man. You didn’t marry him because you were forced into it, but because he held something special for you. Don’t allow any other woman take away your dreams from you without struggling to fight for what is yours. This man is yours, licensed, sealed and delivered to you by the laws of God and man. Don’t let pride ever get in the way of ensuring you don’t lose your license to another woman. Only a woman who isn’t sure of what she is doing with her man gives up her home without putting up a fight to protect her space.

No matter how much you are hurting, set it aside and ask yourself what your own faults are as a woman. Why and when did he become a womaniser? When did it graduate from an off thing to habitual? Has it to do with your attitude towards him, the quality of your image, housekeeping, care of him as your husband? How much time and respect do you have for him? What kind of interest do you show in his work, business and person? Beyond being your husband, is he your friend? Are you both able to laugh with or at each other? Do you take any interest in his interests, friends and other things that make him happy? Marriage isn’t just about both of you sleeping together and making babies. There is more to it. It is a meeting of the body, spirit and soul. It is trying to live in the body of the other person. 

To make this marriage work, you must teach him how to love and respect you first as a person and later as his wife. Integrity and respect insure marriage from the devastation that comes from the process of two different people trying to make a life together. 

Over time, you would come to have the understanding to manage this traditional problem in most marriages. By the time you come to understand what you want from life and this marriage, believe me, these other women won’t matter as much as they bother you now. Not even the current threat presented by his so-called village sister would frighten you as much as it does now. 

Silence is what you need most now, because with the kind of emotions going on inside you, you risk rocking the fragile chord of your marriage by confronting him now. What he needs to bring him back home is to present him with a better alternative to what these other women give him.

Look at his other women; put yourself in the position of his mistress. As his mistress, what would you do to wrestle power from the hands of these other women? In addition to using your body, use your money and knowledge of him as the man you have lived with for two years to get him back. Because those women don’t have the stake you have in his life, don’t expend energy fighting them or him. That will only divert you from what you have to do. Also don’t listen to friends who may want to discourage you from adopting humility as a weapon.

In war, anything is considered fair. So, get books that deal with love-making and improved relationship. Read them; apply your new knowledge on him. Woo him with gifts, well-cooked food and sexy cloths. Make him jealous with a new haircut and clothes. Listen to his criticism of you and turn it around as your strong point.

Above all, pray away these women rather than fight them physically. God has his heart in his hands and he can effortlessly make these women become irritable to him. All you have to do is learn to trust God and let him reign over your home.

Don’t expect this to be easy; but by the time he comes to realise that despite all he is doing with other women you are still very patient and caring for him, he would eventually come back to you. Whereas, fighting him would only drive him further away from you. Patience builds, while pride destroys.

Be careful to do the right thing for your child and marriage.

Good luck.