I Want To Marry My Late Wife’s Best Friend

Dear Agatha,

I am in a fix and don’t know how to handle the situation. My wife died two years after our marriage. She actually died during childbirth leaving me with the responsibility of caring for a little baby. Being an orphan, I didn’t have anyone to turn to on my side. My late wife was my best friend and I loved her so much. I would have gladly given her family the freedom to care for the baby, but not with them accusing me of killing their daughter. It was a very traumatic period for me and I would have completely lost it if not for her best friend and chief bride’s maid, who stepped in to help me with the baby. 

Since she runs her own business, it was easier for her to take time off. She devoted herself completely to the care of the baby, sometimes taking her away for the whole week, especially when she has to travel for her business. 

Her devotion to the baby gave me the much needed respite to concentrate on my job. 

About nine months after my wife died, I noticed she was as happy as she once was. It was through another friend of theirs I got the information that her boyfriend walked out on her because of her attachment to the baby. He said the baby was coming between them. 

When I asked her if the information I got was true, she initially denied but later confirmed it. She said she didn’t tell me to prevent me from feeling bad. 

Feeling very bad, I decided to get someone to help me with the baby. But that turned out to be a big mistake because not only did the baby reject the paid help from the very day they met, I later discovered she was after me and had no real interest in the baby. I had to go back to my wife’s friend when the baby became really sick. Immediately she carried the baby, she became calm and refused to allow even me to carry her. 

It has been more than a year since my wife died and I am hopelessly in love with her best friend. I have tried everything I know how to do to get her off my mind but nothing is working. 

She is one of the most wonderful persons I have ever met. I want to marry her but is so afraid of how to go about it, especially as she and my late wife were very good friends. 

What would people say? Would they not, like my late wife’s relatives, think we both killed my wife so she can come in? Even though my best friend who is the only one who knows how I really feel thinks I couldn’t have made a better choice, I am scared of losing her if it turns out she doesn’t feel anything for me. I am so used to having her around me that I sometime pretend we are a married couple already.  

Confused Man.

Dear Confused Man, 

There are three clear issues here for which you must provide an answer with all honesty. Did you kill your wife? Were you in any way instrumental to what finally took her life? Do you love this other lady unconditionally? Are you in love with her out of a sense of gratitude for helping you with the baby or because you feel something very deep for her? What are you really scared of? Do you feel guilty at the death of your wife or falling in love with her best friend? 

If you are very sure you are really blameless in the death of your wife, ignore what people are saying or what they would say. Whether you do the right thing or not, people will always talk. It is the way the world is made. Life isn’t meant to be fair or clearly defined. Our clarity and fairness is anchored in God who knows and sees all things from beginning to finish. 

What you should really do is to take time off work and go away for a while, to a place where you cannot be reached for you to really think about everything that has happened to you in the last two years. If you can cope alone with the baby, you could both go. As a matter of fact, it would be very ideal because it would help take your mind away from calling her to know how the baby is. 

Being alone with your child will give you first hand information on how you plan to cope without a woman helping you with your responsibility. The holiday would afford you the isolation to congregate your thoughts and fit them into the right box. You must have a clear understanding of what you feel for this woman before presenting her with your feelings. This is very important; you don’t make the mistake of substituting gratitude for love. 

It is also important you make peace with the memory of your past if you desire to be happy in the future. There is nothing that destroys a relationship like the guilty memories of a past relationship. Think of what your wife would have wanted for you: remaining single or having someone who loves you and cares for the baby in your life?

If your wife were truly your best friend, she would understand that you cannot live life alone. That, being a grown up man, you need companionship and that her child needs a mother. What better person can she trust the two people who mattered most to her while alive than her best friend? You know her better than most people and can tell what she would have wanted you to do under the circumstances. Once you are able to get over the guilt of you being alive while she died giving birth to your child, it would be a lot easier for you to forge ahead with whatever decision you come to. 

The dead is gone, cannot come back to you, no matter how much you wish it possible. Her life with you belongs to yesterday. Sad as it may sound, the present and future are another new chapter entirely. She will always get a mention in your life but being dead has ended your pact with her. 

If this woman has all that you desire in a woman, don’t hesitate to make clear your intentions to her as soon as you make up your mind. The danger of delay is that someone else may come for her and she may out of frustration accept even if her heart is with you. 

It would have been a completely different case if your wife was still alive and you were having these feelings for her best friend. You are developing these feelings for this woman because you just have to fall in love again. It could have been another woman but your heart decided on her. Don’t be confused or bother your head at what people would say. It is your life, your happiness that matters at the end of the day. 

Don’t give people the right to dictate what you should do or how to manage your life. They don’t have your experience, dream and cannot imagine the things you have been through since your wife died. To allow them dictate how you progress henceforth is to give people power they don’t have over you. Make your dream a reality by telling her what you feel. Even if she refuses you at the end of the day, you will rest easy knowing that you tried your best. 

However, go to God first. It is important He takes charge of everything.

Good luck.