I’ll Soon Leave My Wife And Children

Dear Agatha,

I just want to say you are really doing a great job through your words of wisdom.

Please, I need your advice on what to do about the situation in my home. I have been married for about eight years now. I am in my mid 30s while my wife is in her early 30s.

Unfortunately, my wife still behaves as if she doesn’t know the responsibilities that come with being married. Her idea of being married is to issue frequent queries to me, get into unnecessary arguments with me or nag me at every opportunity. Whenever she does any form of housework, she becomes combative. Even though I am always at a loss as to why she picks up a fight whenever she does the housework, to avoid problems I assist her tend to the children, keep the house clean and all the other housework but sadly nothing pleases her. She nags and complains.

Agatha, many a time, I have felt like running away from my home and marriage which is blessed with two wonderful children who are seven and four years.

Please, what can I do because I am almost at the end of my sanity and would soon erupt if the situation persists in my home? At this stage, I really don’t care what becomes of the marriage any more.

Ernest.

Dear Ernest,

I understand the emotional trauma of having a bad home but that is not enough reason for you to want to pack up your marriage. Show me a marriage that is 100 per cent free of stress and I would show you a liar. There is no marriage without its fair share of problems and compromises. A lot of those marriages we think are perfect have gone through very tough baptism of fire. Divorce is not always the first option or solution to matrimonial problems rather it compounds the problem, which keeps expanding as the children get older and wiser.

What you think is a problem may after all not be as difficult as it appears. Just concentrate on those grey areas and also learn to be a little bit firm. Household chores fall under the portfolio of the woman of the house. It is her duties to keep her home clean, care for the children and you. It isn’t your duty. Yours is to ensure the bills are paid as and when due, be the shoulder for all of them to lean on in good times and in bad times, spend time with the family and give them all the love they need.

Helping her with the housework is because you want to, not because you have to. It is an abnormality for the woman of the house to sit down and watch her man do the house chores. It is wrong.

Sit her down and explain all these to her without getting angry. This is no time to be bossy or to show unnecessary anger. Compromises can only work if the two people in a marriage are willing to invest in it. Where only one person makes all the effort, the union becomes endangered because the party would get tired. Granted, her behaviour leaves much to be desired. You are also not being fair to your marriage and yourself by doing all those things simply because your wife nags. By so doing, you are denying her of the chance to be responsible, allowing her to set the wrong values for your children.

And one of the dangers of such actions is what you are feeling now. You have boxed yourself into a very precarious situation, you feel like packing it up because you can no longer continue with the pattern you have established in your home. If the truth must be told, you encouraged the behaviour of your wife.

To get out of it, call her for a serious re-evaluation of the situation in your home. Be very honest about your feelings as this is no time to pretend you are happy with the situation when in actual fact you feel like putting as much distance between the two of you as possible. Start by explaining to her what you expect of her as a wife and mother and what is expected of you as a husband and father. Continue by sharing your innermost feelings and fears with her. Don’t hold anything back from her.

Doubtless, the part about you wanting to runaway from home would shock her into reality. No sane woman takes pride in a broken home. There are underlying factors influencing her mode of behaviour. The dialogue would help you find out and address them permanently.

Don’t also forget to invite God into your home. Even though you are the physical head, He is the spiritual head of the family so take your marriage to the only one that has the powers to make perfect imperfect situations.

Good luck.