She Lied About Her Age

Dear Agatha,

I am always impressed with the way you answer questions on love and relationships. I am also an ardent reader of your column. I would like to share my own problem with you for a very sincere answer too.

I am a 35-year-old man who is in love with a woman I met two years ago. Being unemployed, I asked her to give me her Curricular Vitae (CV).

Going through the CV, I discovered that she put her date of birth as January 18, 1975. But on close examination, I discovered she is actually 34 years since one can calculate the approximate age of someone from the year he finished primary school. From that discovery, it was obvious she lied about her age to me. I love her very much, but Agatha, why would she lie to me about her age? This discovery is making me very apprehensive of the future. At 34, she is just a year my junior. Would she not experience complications during pregnancy and at labour? If she could lie about her age, I think she also might have lied about other things. Though she denied having a relationship at the moment, how can I be sure? Because of her, plus the arrogance and unfaithfulness of my former girlfriend I sent the latter away only to discover that she too is less than truthful to me. 

I detest lies so much. It is painful because I expect her to be honest with me. Although I promised to marry her, I am now concerned that she lied about her age. My feelings for her now are not as strong as they were. To be honest, this discovery has left me in a quandary. What do I do now? Please advise me.

Owodife

Dear Owodife,

Although not many people, especially men would understand and appreciate your reactions to what many men now think is normal with women, I can. It is wrong for persons in a relationship to keep secrets especially one that is as important as age. Even if she lies to everybody about her true age, she should at least trust you with her actual birth date.

I am sure if she told you the truth, it wouldn’t have changed anything unless of course you are naturally adverse to older women or that your feelings for her were never deep enough to overcome problems that come along in the relationship. If you love her, sit her down and open up to her. Explain your disappointment at her behaviour and how it is affecting your affections for her. It is best she knows the extent her lies have affected you. 

It would teach her to be very honest about herself and other things in future. There is no perfect human being. Only God is perfect and since in his perfection, he still finds us worthy of his love and care, who are we sinners to condemn one another?

Both of you should give yourself a fresh start by opening up to each other. I am sure, you also have certain things about your life you have not told her or think unimportant for her to know. If you are really honest with yourself, you would discover that to some extent, you have also withheld certain information from her. Unless she is a pathological liar, this incident would teach her to be truthful.

On the issue of her not being able to conceive and give birth without complications, my doctor friend said modern science has made it possible for women who are even older than her to have stress-free pregnancy. He explained that most times, the composition of the individual woman rather than her age is the problem. Some older women who are very healthy have easier pregnancy and labour than younger women who aren’t as strong. A lot depends on the health of the woman.

Granted that some doctors worry over older women getting pregnant, at 35, she is not yet in the high-risk zone.

Importantly, commit the relationship to God. He only has the answers to our life problems.

Good luck.