Before His Slow Action In Bed Forces Me Out…

Dear Agatha,

I got married three years ago after two-year of courtship. We didn’t attempt to make love during our courtship because of religious persuasion. My husband, a trainee pastor and I, the head of the choir of the church wanted to be of good behaviour and provide the right leadership for the youths in the church.

Although, nobody would have known if we had stolen moments of ecstasy but I felt it didn’t worth the bother. Even though I wasn’t a virgin, having experienced the pleasure of having sex from previous relationships, I decided to stop all that when I gave my life to Christ.

It wasn’t easy combining my banking job with heading the choir. I nevertheless squeezed time out of none to serve God.

For me, it was fulfilling and wonderful. So when this man approached me for a relationship, I had no inhibitions saying yes because I had also studied him. He was not going to be a full time pastor. An engineer and a staffer of a beverage company, his future was bright, one condition I always considered before saying yes to a man.

Being a Christian didn’t change that side of me because coming from a very humble background, I didn’t want my children to go through the harrowing experiences of struggling as I did on my own to get education. I hawked, worked to pay my bills since my mother just couldn’t afford to feed us, let alone send us to school.

It was during one of those hawking trips that I got deflowered by one of my customers. He raped me but that experience was not enough to deter me from getting to my goals.

It was a very horrible experience, one that I don’t wish for my worst enemy.

The relationship got the blessing of the church leadership, though not without some pockets of opposition from some quarters. I got to know later that he had told one of the ladies, also a member of the choir that he liked her. They had not gone far when I came along and we started dating. The lady eventually resigned from the choir when it became obvious that she couldn’t have him. But before she left, she told a friend of mine that my man can’t perform in bed, that his manhood was virtually none existent.

I dismissed this on the grounds that she was jealous. When I mentioned it to my man, he also accused her of being a soured grape. Agatha, I wish I had listened. I discovered the truth on our wedding night. His manhood is so small that it cannot penetrate deeply. The size is like that of a little baby’s. To compound the problem, achieving erection for him is not easy. I have to try all the tricks I know to get him started. It has been frustrating living with a man and not having the fulfillment required of a woman.

While this is going on, members of his family have variously come to fight me for not being able to produce an heir for their only son. I have endured several insults from all of them, because they all think I am the problem.

My husband is not helping matters. He goes about as if this isn’t a problem. He doesn’t care and keeps telling me that God has a reason. And whenever I accuse him of being stingy with the truth before we got married, he would flare up and refuse to talk to me for days. Till date he has not given me any reason for his refusal to inform me of this handicap.

Agatha what reason? What wrong did I do that has made God visit me with this problem? For three years as a married woman, I haven’t made love. The few times we tried were very frustrating for fulfillment, I have to get him to stimulate me orally or do it myself. But that won’t produce babies and often does not produce the desired fulfillment.

The reason I am seeking your opinion is that my family wants me to quit. I had to confide in my mother, who was also becoming worried about my inability to produce a child. I am also not interested in the marriage again. I have endured for three years and simply cannot cope with the denial of emotional fulfillment much longer. I don’t want to offend my vows by starting a relationship but if the truth must be told. I doubt if I can resist it much longer.

Please tell me how to go about this? I want to quit as fast as possible.

Kate.

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Dear Kate,

It is a very serious problem because sex is very fundamental in a marriage. It is unfortunate that this is happening to both of you but throwing in the towel so soon isn’t a solution either.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not unmindful of the emotional sacrifices you have to put up with in this kind of situation, the denial and the attendant condemnation from people who are not in the know of what is happening.

There is still, however, the need for you to exercise caution in this matter.

First and foremost there is the need for you to call your husband and explain your feelings to him. Tell him exactly what you have told me, both your frustration and your desire to quit. Let him know the hurt and pains you feel whenever his people come to make trouble with you due to your seemingly inability to give them a grandchild. To get him to listen, anchor your presentation on your undying love for him. His refusal to discuss the matter may not be unconnected with a morbid fear of losing you. Guilt at not telling you and fear that you would pack up the marriage are the core reasons he is appearing indifferent. Deep down, he is more concerned about it than you can imagine. Your assurance of love should get him talking. Once you can get him to open up on the matter, it would be a lot easier to discuss the options open to both of you. For instance it is important to seek medical help on the matter.

Since he manages to achieve erection, my medical doctor consultant says, all hope is not lost. With the right medical attention and drugs, your husband could sustain longer period of erection. Do whatever you have to do to get him to seek medical help if he has never done so. Even if he has done that in the past, insist on seeing the specialist together.

Besides, size has nothing to do with a man’s performance drive or the health of his sperm. Once he is able to hold erection for longer period and expel healthy sperm, getting pregnant would not be a problem.

While foreplay adds excitement to lovemaking, don’t use it to replace the real thing no matter how frustrating and energy sapping the process is. Pretend it is not a problem in the marriage and regard the extensive foreplay as your special lovemaking menu. You would cope best with this problem if you keep the vows ‘for better for worse’ at the top of your mind. Regarding this period as the worst part of your marriage would help you to put it in its proper perspective.

If he were your brother or son would you abandon him?

Granted, he wronged you by withholding such important information from you, two wrongs do not make a right. Look past the betrayal and find ways of going beyond this point without halting the ship of your marriage.

Alternative herbal practitioners claim, with the help some herbs they can minimally increase the size of a man’s organ. Go to any leading herbal clinic for more information.

Furthermore, this is the time to challenge God in faith. Place your hand on him and call on God to make right what is wrong. God is still in the business of miracles. Both of you should come together to pray as a couple. It is the only way you can get over this problem as a family. Once there is an agreement between you spiritually and physically, the battle will be half won. Pray for mercy, patience, wisdom as well as faith to overcome this problem. With mercy and grace of God, you would overcome.

Good luck.

Any Sense Hooking Her Before She Goes For NYSC?

Dear Agatha,

I thank God for the way He is using you to advise and direct people to the right path in relationships and marriage issues.

I am in my 30s while my fiancée is 24 years of age. She wants to go for her National Youth Service Corps (NYSC).

We have agreed to get married and I want to start marriage proceedings before she leaves for her service. What do you think?

Confused Man.

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Dear Confused Man,

There is nothing wrong provided both of you have discussed and agreed to it.

The only problem would be if she doesn’t support the idea now. The first thing you should do irrespective of whether or not you have both discussed the idea before now is to open up to her. Tell her of your desire to begin marriage rites before she leaves for her service year.

The worst mistake is to assume that because you want it immediately and because you have both expressed a wish to be together for the rest of your life, she also wants it now. Marriage is about two people wanting the same thing. Let her see from your conduct that you desire the marriage to be a balanced partnership of two persons, who love and respect each other not that of a boss/servant relationship.

It is also important you don’t give the impression that you want to rush the process, because deep down you are afraid she may change her mind. Trust is important to the survival of a relationship.

Once you have her full support, go ahead and do what you have in mind to give you the peace of mind that she is yours to keep.

Good luck.

My Brother Must Divorce Wife To Be Happy

Dear Agatha,

I don’t know what to make of my brother’s wife. She is always bossing everybody in the family around. She talks rudely to people because she is doing better than my brother. It is so bad; especially that she does it even in the public. She decides where they stay, the type of food he eats, often ignoring what he likes. Sometimes she doesn’t bother to come home, pleading tight official schedule.

Whenever her husband complains about how her work is affecting the family’s welfare, she tells him to choose between her being a full housewife or allowing her to continue to play her role as the major breadwinner in the family.

I have severally caught my brother lamenting his status and once actually crying. The children are also complaining but she bribes them with gifts and all that.

I have tried to caution her as well as point her at the emotional danger she is exposing her family to, but she won’t listen. She likes exhibition so much.

The issue now is that my brother has decided to seek a woman who would make him feel like a man. I mean a woman, who would respect his authority and appreciate him. As a matter of fact he has found the girl, and for the first time he is happy. He wants to marry her. What do you think? I am of the opinion he should divorce the other woman, not because I support divorce but essentially to preserve my brother’s life, whom I feel has a right to be happy despite being poor as his wife has branded him. What do you think?

Tolu.

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Dear Tolu,

Sincerely, don’t interfere. Your brother is man enough to take his decisions without your help. Nobody married his wife for him. He found her worthy of his love and attention hence decided to have her for keeps.

Whatever is happening in that home isn’t any business of yours. And you should by all means avoid being fingered as the reason the marriage failed. Your brother may have decided to look outside his home to protect his pride before you and other members of your family.

For now, it might be best if you allow both of them to sort their problems out. If he had tolerated her all these while despite her rudeness and other vices you illustrated, he should still continue to. With loving persuasions she would one day come to be the type of woman he desired.

To bring another woman into his life is to complicate the whole issue. He would never get the peace he desires in her or in the relationship and his life. The health problem you desire to protect him from would come in full force. What guarantees do you have that she would not be like his wife or even worse? What happens if she turns out to be another brash woman? Encourage him into another relationship?

If you love this brother of yours as you claim, tell him to discontinue that relationship and mend fences with his wife and family. Disagreements and disappointments are all part of the process of bonding a marriage.

You are still single and don’t know the type of marriage you would one day have. How would you feel if your sister-in-law turns around to be giving support to your husband to marry another wife on account of problem in your own marriage? Every marriage comes with its own peculiar cross. The cross of this marriage is for your brother to learn to manage the brashness of his wife.

The best you can do to for both of them is to commit their marriage to the care of God. Intercede for them through prayers and fasting. That, to me, is the best demonstration of love instead of aiding your brother to his early grave.

Continue to plead with your sister-in-law to change her ways. Overtime, she would come to appreciate your role and words of wisdom.

Having made up your mind to help build the marriage, ignore her rudeness and continue in your selfless task to help make this couple grow together.

Good luck.

He’s An Unrepentant Cheat

Dear Agatha,

I am a 23-year-old final year student in a relationship that has been on for three years now.

Last year, I found out that he has been cheating on me. I was devastated but agreed to continue with him after he promised never to do it again.

I later discovered he was an unrepentant cheat. I really made up my mind to leave him but changed when it looked as if he was really sorry.

You can therefore imagine my pains when for the third time, I discovered through a text message he sent to another girl expressing his desire to spend the night in her arms. The response of the girl shows that she thinks he is in love with her.

All these affected my love for him, but I am equally confused on how she can handle the situation.

Please help me.

Chidera.

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Dear Chidera,

It is obvious your boyfriend doesn’t understand what it means to be faithful to a woman. He belongs to the group of men who think life is about variety.

Sincerely, there is nothing you can do to change him unless he is ready for it. You either learn to accept him for who he is, or move on to a man who understands what sincerity means in a relationship.

In his own way he loves you but cannot help experimenting with other girls. To him, he is having fun, enjoying the freedom that comes with his gender and age. Until a man or woman resolves to settle down, the desire of his or her partner to ensure stability in a relationship, more often than not, destroys whatever chance they have to be happy together.

If you insist on him changing his ways now, he would continue to hurt you because despite the promises he makes to you to change, his heart isn’t set on completely settling down just yet. Mind you, this has nothing to do with his feelings for you, but a deep desire to explore the field while he still has the chance. The naked reality is that he may never have the sufficient will to remain faithful to any woman irrespective of what he feels for the special woman in his life.

Three years may be a long time but when you consider that a lifetime is involved should you continue this relationship, there is the need for you to sit down on your own to do an appraisal of your three years together.

To do a near thorough job, resist the urge to be too sentimental on account of his unfaithfulness. Doubtless, you are hurting now but learn to be very broadminded about this. For instance, should you leave him for another man, what are the guarantees that he would be faithful to you?

While not insisting you should put up with unfaithfulness, the truth of the matter is that every relationship has to define its happiness based on its strengths and limitations.

What is the strength of your relationship with him? Why has it lasted for three years? What do you find extra special about him that would make his faults appear irrelevant?

It is only when you take a broad overview of your relationship, vis-à-vis your dreams, visions and happiness that a decision would be easier for you to make.

Whatever you decide to do now must be one that will stand the test of time; one you will not regret making some few months down the road, one you will always be glad you had the guts to take.

You must find out what works for you especially to clear the cloud of confusion currently enveloping you. For instance, you must be able to answer the all important question of your place in his heart, now and in future. Once you have a clear answer to that, his adventures with these other girls may not be so painful or bothersome to you and the relationship at the end.

Believe me, this type of case has no clear-cut answer beyond what works for you.

Good luck.

He Wants Me In Bed Before Any Help

Dear Agatha,

I am 20 years of age and a secondary school leaver. I want to further my study but can’t because my parents are poor.

A rich married man has offered to help on condition that I sleep with him.

I am confused. I don’t know what to do. Please advise me.

B.

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Dear B,

This isn’t help. Run as fast as your legs can carry you away from this man because he has only one point agenda, to destroy your life.

You are not a commercial sex worker. So why should you offer your body in exchange for his sponsoring your further studies? If he has no qualms betraying his wife, what makes you think after sleeping with you, he would keep his side of your bargain?

Besides, going to the university isn’t a day’s project. It takes at least four years, if there are no strikes or cult fracas for an average course to be completed. How often would he require you to sleep with him or give enough sexual compensation for him to help you through your study?

Do you plan to draw up a contract to that effect that once you sleep with him, he must keep his side of the bargain?

And how many men would you be able to sleep with? Because having the funds to further your study is just one of the many problems you would encounter at the tertiary institution. With the bug of corruption and ineptitude at its height in this country, how many lecturers would you have to sleep with to have a credit pass even when you know you have the brain to scale through?

Life is full of ups and down. Yes, this offer appears tempting, an answer to all your family’s financial predicaments, but at what cost to you?

What happens if you get pregnant? The best protection has been known to fail at very critical times, have you thought of the possibility? What responsible man would propose such an offer to a woman he has respect and feelings for? Were you his daughter would he encourage you to date a married man? This man is an opportunist. He wants to use the situation provided by your parent’s penury to abuse you; rob you of your pride as a woman.

Your parents may be poor, but that doesn’t mean you cannot make it in life without sleeping your way to success. Granted, the prospect of you furthering your study now looks bleak, but with patience and determination, you will one day get to your dreamland. Without you compromising yourself, what can you do on your own? If this man didn’t come with this offer, what other alternative do you have in mind? Being poor shouldn’t stop a determined mind from dreaming and making plans for the future.

What vision do you have for yourself? Your acceptance of his offer would depend very much on how much value you have placed on yourself.

Sleeping around may sound like a means to achieving your dream but in the long run, how proud would it make you feel as a woman? Your body is precious not to be feasted on by every man who comes your way. As you go along in life, you will discover many of his kind, men who think every woman has to exchange the pleasure of her body for something.

Once you begin it, there is no stopping you from doing it with another man because it would become, for you, an easy tool to getting what you want, but which would leave you the victim at the end of it all. Have you thought of what would happen if along the line, you end up destroying the chance of your happiness in future? As a woman, what is most important to you in life, when you are no longer young and attractive to men? It is the consequences of this time you should always consider when proposals like this are put before you, the time you wished you could live your life all over again.

If you don’t mind the attendant hardship and reactions of peers to taking on menial jobs to fund your way through school, it is the best option any day. Not only would it give you the ultimate satisfaction that you have what it takes to change your destiny for the best but your honour as a woman would remain unquestionable. If you must sleep with a man, it should be out of your own free will, something you are doing because your emotions are involved and not something you are doing because you feel helpless about the situation you find yourself.

Don’t be afraid or ashamed to sell pure water if the need arises to sponsor your way through school, rather than capitulate to the demands of this man.

If you trust God implicitly, He will always make ways for you and your parents. There are girls from families worse than yours but who didn’t compromise to be successful in life. Despite the moral decay in the society, success isn’t measured only by material things but also by the moral credentials of the person.

Good luck.

My Armpit Oozes Offensive Odour

Dear Agatha,

I am 22-year-old boy with odour in my armpit. I noticed it eight years ago while in school and active in sports then.

The problem has persisted and don’t know what to do about it.

I need your help.

Mark.

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Dear Mark,

It is almost normal at your age but you must begin to pay more attention to your personal hygiene because the presence of an odour is an indication that you aren’t doing certain things right. Sweat beads trapped in between hair in the armpit can give off bad odour if not properly washed and attended to.

Because most people sweat profusely under the armpit, chances of the place ever staying clean and odour-free is slim especially if one is the kind that sweats heavily as a result of high energy engagements like sports.

What you should do is to get into the habit of shaving off the hair under your armpit. There is nothing sexy or masculine about having hair shaved under the armpit especially if it has become home to germs.

It makes maintenance of the armpit very easy. Use powerful deodorants as well as body spray under the armpit. Also make sure, while washing your shirts that special attention is paid to the armpit, to wash off sweat beads trapped on the material and also prevent discolouration.

This should take care of the problem but if it persists please see your doctor.

Good luck.

He Keeps Paternity Of A Daughter Secret

Dear Agatha,

Ever since I stumbled on your column in the **Daily Independent** I have made it my daily column in the tabloids. You are indeed a blessing to our generation.

I am a 30-year-old lady, in a relationship that is almost hitting three years. We are planning to get married. I love him and he does too because he always tells me how much he admires me.

However, something happened that is threatening our perfect world. Recently, he told me for the first time about his five-year-old daughter whose mother insisted on giving birth to her despite appeals she got rid of the pregnancy.

According to him, he refused to tell me until now out of fear of losing me.

Agatha, I am so confused because this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. What happens if the girl refuses to accept me as her mother? Although he has assured that he knows I have what it takes to look after and care for this girl, it might not be as easy as he thinks.

My point is what do I do? Do I allow him bring the girl home or he should just be responsible for her upkeep. I am confused. Do I go ahead with the marriage plans or what? I am meeting his family very soon they are in the North. Your prompt response will be highly appreciated.

Worried Woman.

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Dear Worried Woman,

That you are not angry at him for keeping such vital information away from you until now shows that you are truly in love and that your relationship has the right foundation to work things out. This is quite commendable and means your worry over your ability to care for this child is needless.

A relationship such as yours has the elasticity to make things work out at the end of the day.

Unless you allow it, this girl cannot be a major issue between you and your man. Now that you know, insist on meeting the girl and her mother. From this early beginning, insist on taking the child over from the mother, making it clear to everyone that you intend to have a major say and influence in the life of this child. Though this may not be easy for you now, but it is the only way you can have complete control of your home as well as reduce the influence of the child’s mother in your home and life.

The fact that your husband and this woman have a child makes it almost impossible to totally insist you don’t want her to get in touch with your man. The existence of that child means from time to time these two would get together to discuss the progress and welfare of their child.

Since there is no telling the real motive of this woman, it is in your best interest to take over the child. This way, you nip in the bud whatever repercussions that are likely to occur in future by allowing the child with the mother.

Once you make up your mind to take her, ensure you treat her as your own irrespective of whatever faults she may have as a person. The conflict comes between stepmothers and their stepchildren, when stepmothers ignore the basic truth about the child they are supposed to foster - that a child will always be one. Child truancy, misbehaviour, tantrums and antics have no paternity or tribe. Children will always behave according to form hence must not be unnecessarily condemned or labelled on account of her maternity.

When the child needs proper scolding, don’t hesitate to mete the apt punishment and when the need to praise arises, also don’t hesitate to give it to the child unconditionally.

What you feed into this child is what you will get at the end of the day. If from this early stage, you endeavour to feed into the child seeds of love, trust, loyalty, fair mindedness as well as the fear of God, there is no way this child will cause problems for you now or later in life. Give this child the training you will give your own child.

Problems come when stepmothers treat their step- children with wickedness and envy. Don’t transfer whatever negative feelings or fear of the mother to the child. The child is an innocent party in this. She didn’t ask to be born at all, hence it would be wrong to transfer whatever feelings or thoughts against the mother to her.

As for going ahead, there is nothing stopping you from marrying him. He has told you the reason why he didn’t tell you and to be honest would you have gone ahead with the relationship if you knew he had a child way back then?

Your final decision should be based on what you know of him, the quality of life both of you had enjoyed since you became an item. How has he treated and respected you? How caring is he? Beyond this issue of this child, has he ever lied to you or given you reason to doubt him in any way?

For you to appreciate him very well, look at how you begun and where you are now. If you limit your decision to the current situation in your relationship, you may end up taking the wrong decision.

Above all learn to pray because the success of marriage is based on prayers, trust and tolerance.

Good luck.

Lonely Hearts

I Need A Widow Or Mature Lady

Dear Agatha,

I read this page of yours in **Sunday Independent**. You are truly God-send. Please just help me with this problem it may seem small to you but it is very big to me.

I lost my wife five years ago during childbirth leaving me with a son who is just five years. I need you to hook me up with a mature lady or a widow with one or two kids. She should have the heart of a good mother and a better wife to me. She should be between 31 and 40 years old and should be a Christian. I work in the sales department of a soft drink bottling company. I am in my 30s. Help me with this request my son needs a good mother. I can be reached with this number;
07056834425

Austin

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I’m Single, Searching Wondeful Wife

Dear Agatha,

You are doing a great job I must confess it. I am one of your column readers.

I am a young guy of 27 years of age, single based in Lagos and seriously searching for a wonderful and pretty lady for serious relationship from ages of 18 to 25 years of age.

Interested lady should text me on my number 07037506350 with her profile.

Michael.

I’m Innocent Of Her Decision To Settle For Married Man

Dear Agatha,

Please help me get over this madness happening in my family. My younger sister is just 25 and has a very bright future. She got a very good job as an advert executive in one of the media houses around, and from all indications is doing very well.

That is why I cannot understand why she is involved, and actually planning to marry a family man.

She is the only one among all of us who does not talk about her affairs. While growing up, she kept to herself. The rest of the family knew she was odd and very secretive about herself, but she is the most hardworking, always willing to do the dirty jobs the rest of us would not do.

Being the one closest to her, I had my way of getting her to talk about herself, and the things she would never discuss with anyone. She would not do that without warning me against divulging the information to other members of the family.

However, since I got married and she packed out of the house to her own rented apartment, we hardly find time to come for gist. I tried on my part to meet her but we cannot meet due to her constant excuses of not having the time anytime I make the move. She would always come up with an excuse at the last minute to cancel the meeting irrespective of whom among us made the arrangement.

One Saturday morning without any prior notice, I decided to visit her at home because I had this feeling she was trying to avoid me, while I am concerned about her.

Agatha, I was right to be apprehensive because when I got there, I met an elderly man in her apartment. From his look, he spent the night with her. I wonder what and why she would allow a man come to her place when it should have been the other way round.

It didn’t add up so I decided to call my husband to tell him I would be late to return home. Since the kids were with me, he said it was okay provided we came back before nightfall.

Determined to outstay the man, I sat patiently and taking mental notes of him and his mannerism. It was during breakfast I noticed that his wedding finger had the telltale mark of a ring. Although he was not wearing one currently, but the ring stain mark was evident.

After a while, he dressed and left.

Very much aware that my sister would try to parry the issue, I asked what she was doing dating a married man. She was shocked I knew. Always on the defensive, she told me to mind my business that at 25, she knew what she wanted. And that she was, as a matter of fact, going to marry him because she made him happy.

I thought she was joking, but she made it clear that she wasn’t out for a joke. She added that the family could go to hell for all she cared. Now she is up in arms against all the other members of the family because nobody is in her support.

What more, they think I had knew all about it from the beginning and have grouped me with her in this battle.

Agatha, please help me, not even my husband believes I am innocent. How can I persuade her against going into this marriage? Why would a young intelligent and very beautiful woman elect to marry a married man? Please save me from the twin problems I am facing. By the way, the man is 48.

Funke.

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Dear Funke,

Since your sister is adamant and unwilling to listen to the voice of reason, you may have to go beyond your sister and see how you can get the man. I am sure by the time the whole family meets with him to plead with him to let your sister be, he would listen. Chances are that he might be less passionate and willingly to listen to the voice of reason.

As a young girl, your sister may be under the influence of idealism, but as a man who is married with possibly grown-up children, he is likely to be more realistic. Even if he is having problem with his marriage, it is necessary you tell him pointedly that marrying another woman is not a solution.

If he refuses, find a way of meeting his wife and children to get them to appeal to their breadwinner to leave your sister alone. Get his grown up daughters, if he has, to blackmail him emotionally. He should be asked what he would do if one of his daughters decide not only to marry a married man but one who is old enough to be her father. Your parents should be part of the delegation to meet him. All of you should collectively appeal to him to save your sister from herself. Go a step further by looking for his friends and other family members to join in the appeal.

The reason for this is that if pressured from all quarters, he might change his mind, leaving your sister with no choice than to listen to all of you.

It might also help to get your sister to talk about her reason for wanting to marry this man. It would give you all some insights into her inner mind. Something is obviously wrong somewhere because it is clear she is not in the relationship because of money, so there is more to this relationship. It could be a problem from her past, something that happened long ago but which the family is unaware of.

The preference for a father figure for a husband may be a silent and salient cry for help. She may also not be able to understand or explain this. Did the family alienate her on account of her nature? Sometimes when a child appears different from the rest, the tendency is for everybody in the family to alienate her. Did your mother go the extra mile to show her love on account of her nature or simply couldn’t be bothered since the others were okay? What about your father, did he at any time seek her out specially, to talk and establish a relationship with her as the unique child in the family?

The tragedy of growing up in a house where you are branded on account of your nature is what is doing things to shock the people who at the time you needed help made fun of you. Her preference may have been shaped for her by the attitude you all put up way back then.

Get her to see a psychologist in addition to praying for her. Fighting or being hostile to her is not a solution, but would drive her further into her shell. Unless this problem is effectively tackled, there is the likelihood she may end up with another older married man if this one agrees to let her be. It is very important she gets a fair hearing if you are to protect her from herself.

Good luck.

He Wants His Sick Mum To Stay With Us

Dear Agatha,

I have a huge challenge, which may affect the overall outcome of my marriage if I’m not careful.

My mother-in-law, who hates me with a passion, is ill and my husband is planning on bringing her over to stay with us.

From what I hear, she has difficulties moving around, which means she can urinate and pass the big one where she sits or sleeps if help doesn’t come early enough.

I have tried to persuade my husband to send his mother to his sister’s house but he has refused, insisting he wants her to come over to his house being her eldest child. To back up his argument, he says I have a house-help as well as shop attendant, who will help me with his mother while his sister doesn’t have anybody to help.

Agatha, this woman has been a pest in my life since marrying her son eight years ago. She not only says I’m not good enough for her son but is also without manners.

Sincerely, I have never pretended to like her, which is why I don’t understand why my husband wants me to care for someone whose presence I cannot endure for a second.

I’m contemplating going to tell my sister-in-law to insist her mother comes to her house since my husband has refused to listen to my pleas but my elder sister warned me against it, insisting I would be the prime suspect if anything bad happens to her.

Agatha, I don’t want her in my house. In addition to not liking her, I don’t want her to infect my children with whatever it is she is said to be suffering from. I don’t have the strength to be moving her around or clean the house if she soils her bed.

I simply can’t! Please help me. How do I make my husband understand this?

Worried Wife.

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Dear Worried Wife,

I wish you could see yourself through this letter you wrote. You sound so selfish, mean and uncaring. How would you feel if this woman were your mother and your sister-in-law is behaving like you are doing now?

How would you feel if you find yourself in your mother-in-law’s situation and your son’s wife insists she can’t have you in her home for the same reasons you are now rejecting this woman?

Do you know what life holds for you tomorrow? From the way you are behaving now, doesn’t it appear she was right about you after all?

What manner of heart would reject a sick woman care and comfort of her child? Don’t forget before you came into the life of your husband, this woman was there. She nurtured him through thick and thin from the first moments she became pregnant with him to the stage you met and married him. Her finished product is whom you fell in love with and swore to love till death separates both of you.

Without this woman you now despise in such cold blood, your husband wouldn’t have been. If nothing else, for this reason alone, show her all the love she deserves in her condition. Even if you have an issue with her over her behaviour and treatment of you, this is not the right time to seek revenge.

If you are wise, you would use the opportunity provided by her illness to erase whatever negative impression she had of you before now. God demands of us to show love where we have been shown hatred. Care for her as you would your mother; give her all the necessary attention she deserves because illness is detribalised, genderless, ageless and no respecter of persons. It so happens she is the one on that bed, it could be you or your husband. Would you not care for your husband if he were the one in that condition? If it were you, would you like to be left alone simply because someone thinks the children would be affected by your health condition?

Your fear about this situation affecting the quality of happiness in your home is genuine but not in the direction you are thinking. The problem you are courting is beyond what you can handle, outside of your feelings and of a more dangerous consequence than what you think of your mother-in-law. If you insist she can’t stay with you, your husband may take her to another place but you can bet it would make him begin to suspect things about you and the marriage he never regarded as being important.

And when a man begins to do that, it signals big problem for the woman. You can hurt most men but when it comes to issues concerning their mothers, men are very sensitive and take seriously any slight or disaffection towards the women who gave birth to them. Chances are this man may forgive you anything, but this blatant rejection of his mother at her most crucial moment in life would remain too heavy an albatross for you to carry. The sad thing is you won’t be the only one to suffer but every member of your family as well.

There are no easy remedies when it comes to marital issues. The only remedy marriage recognises is tolerance. Whatever this woman has done, learn to tolerate her until she gets better. Her body not only gave you a husband, but those lovely children of yours.

No matter what wrong she must have turned to you, always remember the good and most important gift she gave you, happiness. Something really special you must have found in your husband to make you marry him among the lot that came for your hand in marriage. If she were such a loathsome mother, there is no way she could have allowed you marry her son or allowed you stay for the number of years you have spent in his house. That you are still there in spite of her perceived hatred for you means you are winning. So, learn to be magnanimous and care for this woman.

Are you saying your mother hasn’t offended you, treated you in more despicable ways than your mother-in-law? Chances are she might have but do you refuse to debate her attitude towards you or brand it because she is your mother. Life is about hurting and making up. The strength of life is our ability to forgive and move forward.

There is no way you can move beyond the point you have in your marriage if you don’t forgive your mother-in-law. Forgiveness is the only way you can truly encourage your in-laws to accept you as being part of the family. It is the only way too your husband can defend his choice of you as his wife to himself and, subsequently, his family.

Even if you don’t want to do this, do it for the sake of your husband and children, whose family this sick woman is.

Believe me, what you do now would come back to either hunt or save those children and you in later years. Your husband can’t be unaware of your feelings towards his mother and may be using this to see how deep your feelings of disaffection for his mother run.

If you don’t want to do it because of what the woman has done to you, why not do it for the sake of the man you love? Should this woman die without you helping to care for her, would you ever be able to forgive yourself? Think about it!

Knowing who God is as well as understanding His way would help make it easier for you to do. Pray to God to give you more understanding into His person.

Good luck.

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I Need True Love, Want Better Look

Dear Agatha,

How can I make my hair darker and my skin more beautiful and how can I find true love?

Worried Girl.

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Dear Worried Girl,

There are various good hair products in the market specifically designed with today’s woman in mind. The damage to hair comes from not knowing what to use, and also patronising the wrong salons. If you go to any standard salon, they will be able to recommend the best product for you.

To find true love, you must first learn to be truthful to yourself. True love cannot happen in a vacuum. You must first learn to love yourself, people around you to be able to recognise when true love comes your way. This is because what you don’t have, you won’t be able to give.

Many people expect love to just happen when they themselves don’t know anything about love. Life is about giving as much as you get.

You must learn to invest first before expecting interest.

For true love to flourish, it must have a blend of understanding, care, appreciation, tolerance, support, respect, responsibilities, focus, selflessness and friendship. Above all, it must be realistically handled. These are the things that give it colour, substance as well as the right foundation to exist. At all times, you must be willing to forgive because love without forgiveness is like an empty shell.

You will know it when you recognise some of these things you have in him.

Good luck.

Lonely Heart

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for being there always for people like us. I am educated, presentable, loving, caring, and sincere. I also live in Lagos. I need a lady for marriage. She must be connected and good-looking. Any interested lady should be free to call me on 038818586 and 08028801856.

Kunle.

He Hates Me For Offering Better Lifeline

Dear Agatha,

God will keep blessing you with bountiful wisdom to always put us through our problems.

I am 25-year-old, dating a guy, 29. Our relationship is three years old.

When we first met, he lied to me about his educational status. He told me he was a part-time student in Lagos State while I was schooling in Ogun State.

I later discovered he has only an Ordinary National Diploma and that he being in school was a blatant lie. He is more interested in travelling abroad than going back to school.

I have tried unsuccessfully to advise him on the need for him to concentrate on his education instead of wasting time pursuing what is increasingly appearing to be an elusive dream. My concern is for him to at least keep improving on himself while still awaiting the opportunity to travel out.

But he won’t listen. He is more interested in wasting precious time waiting to get a visa, which isn’t forthcoming.

I have gotten to the limit of my patient since it appears he doesn’t want to discuss his plans with me any more, in his opinion I am always discouraging him.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

Confused Girl.

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Dear Confused Girl,

Usually when the bug to travel bites hard, its victims are left without any sense of responsibility than to travel out. Unfortunately, your boyfriend belongs to the group of persons who are under the illusion that they can’t make it in this country until they travel out.

With his mind all twisted up and channelled towards going abroad, nothing you say or do would make sense to him until he goes to where he has set his mind. At this stage of his delusion his mind is blocked to all well meaning suggestions, and may begin to even suspect you of being the reason nothing is working out for him in that direction.

Sincerely, there is no meaningful relationship that can grow between the two of you with him living in this mixed up. He is like someone under the influence of drugs and I tell you, this is an addiction that could consume your own dreams if you are not careful.

You have a choice to continue to put up with this dreamer or quit to pursue your own dream. His situation is a typical case of everything being put on hold, until he gets the opportunity of travelling. He doesn’t care if his waiting period is forever, what matters to him is leaving the shores of Nigeria.

Even if he listens to you now and agrees to go back to school or pursue other things, he will still come back to it even if you are able to persuade him to marry you along the line. Chances are that he would pressurise as well as blackmail you to invest your money to help him actualise his dreams. Not only would this deprive you of your own dreams but those the children you may have had eventually.

Be careful, you know what you are doing because at the end of the day, you would be the one left to hold onto the wrong side of the candle.

Yes, he may come for you eventually but at what cost? At 29, he isn’t exactly a spring chicken. By now he should have wrapped up his education, given himself a fair foundation in life. If at this age, he is still pursuing dreams rather than visions, something is wrong with his whole concept to life. Are you willing to take a chance on him?

At 25, you are nearing the age when most women get serious about their lives, when they begin to plan for it, even if they are not planning on settling down yet.

If you are not careful, this man would continue to drag you back anytime you plan advancement in your life.

Not every relationship is meant to end in marriage. Having stayed with him for three years, demonstrated your love and support, it is time he too did the same thing for you if he really cares about you.

This is why you must sit him down to discuss, to ask patent questions concerning your place in his life as well as his plans for you. Also ask him what he intends to do if eventually he never succeeds in getting a visa to travel out. And if he gets the visa, ask him how he plans to raise the money for the ticket as well as support himself there.

His response to you and your worries will tell you more than anything or any one what you should do at the end of the day.

Furthermore, this calls for reality, honesty and boldness to face your future. Like you said, your future too is involved. While he reserves the right to toy with his, don’t allow him mess up yours. He lacks the right to do that for you.

Believe me, this is one classic instance when love may not be able to keep the two of you together after a while. Love can only flourish if there is a reasonable level of cooperation in a relationship. If he told lie once about something as basic as his education, he can do it again on something more important, something that could end up hurting you deeply.

Your choice would depend on what you in particular want in life and how much you value your happiness.

Good luck.

That She Can’t Flaunt Our Love Wanes My Feelings

Dear Agatha,

There is this girl I love so much, and have come to put up with her attitude. Although, she claims to love me, I am surprised that whenever we are together or walking along the campus she doesn’t allow me to either hold or touch her.

If I make the mistake of doing that she complains. To prevent annoying her, I do as she says.

But the truth is that I am becoming fed up with this attitude of hers. Her excuse is that she dislikes a man touching her on the body. Now, Agatha, tell me what I should do because right now my love for her is fading on account of her attitude.

I would, however, appreciate a solution that will bring back my old feelings for her.

Worried Boyfriend.

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Dear Worried Boyfriend,

You are getting fed up on account of her refusal to allow you touch her in public? Deep down, do you think that is enough reason the feelings you have for her begin to dwindle? What is the substance of your love for this lady? And what do you understand by love?

I can identify with frustration but to say your love is waning simply because she refuses you to put your stamp on her publicly shows she has every reason to be weary of you and your interpretation of what you say you feel for her.

What a relationship needs essentially is trust. And the man, especially, must have the confidence in himself to be able to trust in the woman. The issue here isn’t the fact that she isn’t allowing you to hold her in public but that of your motive for insisting on public proclamation of the status of your relationship with her.

Your love is fading because you are frustrated at her refusal to allow you prosecute your zeal of massaging your ego, that of putting a public brand on her as your exclusive territory.

The truth, not every relationship flourishes under such branding. Some people are private and don’t appreciate being made public spectacle of. They are private people who like to code their ways. This is something you should have found out first before attempting to foist your values on her. Relationship works best when the couple takes time out to first discuss each other’s interests as well as values. If she says she doesn’t feel comfortable with what you want, the ideal thing is to listen to her and to find out why she isn’t.

Imputing things to her attitude is to cause a problem the relationship may not survive to handle. She has told you she isn’t comfortable with a man touching her body, this explanation points at her upbringing, the values impacted into her, something which has become integral to her and would be difficult for her to give up now.

What you should do is to respect her stance on the matter and discuss the other options open to you. If the purpose is to signify your involvement with her and to ward-off possible rivals, being constantly in each other’s company is more than enough signal that you are both involved. Holding her hands or waist in public is an over-kill.

Rather than give up on this relationship or on yourselves, use this opportunity to bond. From what is happening, it is obvious that the two of you lack a good communication culture. If you had, this issue wouldn’t have degenerated to this level.

It isn’t too late to call her to discuss the way forward. If you are willing to employ patience, understanding, trust as well as trust, things will work out eventually. The success of a relationship depends on how much a couple is willingly to invest into it to make it work.

Good luck.

My Wife Starves Me With Sex…

Dear Agatha,

I got married five years ago and we have gotten two children. We got married with love and godliness as our foundation. We made love for the first time after five years of relationship on our wedding night. We both believed in sex after marriage.

However, the problem now has to do with her attitude to sex generally. She always has thousand excuses not to have sex like headaches, no strength, and what have you, to avoid having sex with me.

And when she agrees to it, she only approves of the missionary position, refusing to try any other thing.

I am 39 while she is 30. Due to her inability to satisfy me in bed, I have taken to masturbating simply because I vowed not to have any extra marital affair.

But for how long can I do this when I have a woman in my house? What are the dangers to my marriage? Why is she refusing to cooperate with me?

Worried Husband.

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Dear Worried Husband,

There is no arguing the place of sex in marriage. It is as important as the reason that brought the marriage into being.

However, in all these you must appreciate the salient reality that being married doesn’t deprive one of his or her upbringing. Your wife probably grew up in a home where sex is forbidden, done only for procreation purpose, under the secret of darkness. If her religious upbringing made sex a necessity and not a procreation couples get into to further cement their union, it would require the patience and perseverance of Job, to get her to think along the lines you are now thinking.

It would also require a considerable amount of friendship on your path to help her get over the phobia or her sexual illiteracy.

Her attitude also calls to question your own teaching skills. If you are her first lover, it shows you have done a very poor job of it. Being first time lovers, you should have been able to drag her along with each new knowledge and skill acquired by you. Her metamorphosis should have taken place the time yours took place. It is either at that time you didn’t think it was necessary in the beginning to introduce her to the changes you were experiencing or were afraid she would be contaminated by such changes.

Whatever mistakes you made, her training is largely responsible for what is happening. Growing up with the notion that a responsible woman isn’t meant to enjoy sex but to give herself to the pleasure of her husband isn’t an orientation you can change by being angry or in a hurried manner.

Though you seem to have the same upbringing, you have been able to outgrow yours while she is still unable to make the clear distinction between what worked for her parents and what will work for her.

Doubtless, your marriage is in a very precarious situation one, which if not handled with sincerity and wisdom, is volatile enough to capsize your marriage. It is a reality you must make her face and accept as urgently as possible.

If she becomes obstinate about it, you have to expose her to the shocking reality of the extent her stubborn refusal to help you achieve sexual happiness in your marriage has pushed you. Again she has to understand that after a while, the habit may not be enough incentive to keep you from straying into the hands of another woman.

But before you go to this extreme, you must first find out why she is so disinterested in sex. It is a process of debriefing her of whatever she was told as a child. She has to know that there is more to sex than procreation and that a married couple needs the power of quality sex to remain happy and prime in their union.

Explaining to her that sex is the lubricant that keeps the engine of marriage working at full capacity and without hitches would help her begin the process of shifting her rigid stance on the matter.

Also a lot would depend on your attitude. For someone who is obviously scared of sex or who doesn’t understand the value of sex in marriage, bullying her into accepting your views on it would only serve to drive her further into her shell.

What she needs is a gentle introduction to it. Break her into it with care and love. A lot of the time approach makes a whole load difference. You cannot use force to enforce your idea. In a way, take the blame while still pleading with her to help make the marriage more emotionally comfortable for both of you.

Let her have all the headaches in the world or lack all the energy to make love. Don’t complain rather, engage her interest by becoming extra caring and complimentary of her looks. No matter how stubborn or uncaring a woman is that can resist compliments. Remember she isn’t a girlfriend but your wife, one whose conduct and attitude must give you a level of satisfaction to be happy. Therefore you must take more than a passing interest in her to be happy yourself.

Listening to her reservations about sex generally will give you an idea of where to start just as studying her to know her vane side. We all come with certain vanities in our lives, which from time to time need massaging.

Do you know? You require a comprehensive knowledge of your woman to be able to deal with this challenge effectively. You have to know what she wants, what works with her and what will never work to know how to calm her down sufficiently to make her eat out of your pleasure pie.

It also depends on how much she wants the marriage and values her image. If she is not too bothered about her attitudes damaging her marriage, as long as it enables her protect her stance on the issue of sex, it means going outside your marriage for help. Going to your in-laws or pastor for help on a re-educating her on her responsibilities to her man may be an alternative you have to pursue in the case that every effort on your path fails to make sense to her.

What efforts have you also put into making her change beyond your own needs? For anyone to change he or she must have an appealing alternative to the thing or situation he or she is moving away from.

Wisdom demands you don’t prepare her for whatever position you want her to adopt but to gently introduce her during the session. Introduce innovative romance sessions as well as enough time for her to savour the taste and pleasure of it.

It is when everything else fails to make an impression on her that you should let her know how far she has pushed you and the likely consequences of the situation. Then it would not just be a matter of you threatening her but letting her appreciate the cold facts about what the situation is capable of pushing you into doing should she continue to deny you of quality sex.

Above all, entrust the problem to the capable hands of God.

Good luck.

Nasty Dressing Sense May Mar Her Future…

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for the good job you are doing. I am 13 years of age in a JSS 2. My ambition is to become a lawyer despite the fact that I stammer.

I have a friend who joined my school in our first term. From the very moment I saw her, I made up my mind to have her as my friend.

However, I was disappointed when at our Christmas party, she came in backless dress, which to me was not decent. I told her what I thought of her dress when we resumed in January and she took offence and told me to mind my business.

She stopped talking to me from that point.

During the school excursion at Easter, I was told she wore a backless top on low waist trousers by another friend who went since I was unable to go.

I felt sad at the news because deep down, I am convinced she doesn’t know what she is doing to herself. She is 11 years of age.

I am concerned because I love her as a friend. Please help me before I make a mistake.

Oyinsola.

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Dear Oyinsola,

You can conquer stammering by learning to speak slowly, with calmness and without fear. Most of the time too much anger aggravates the situation, so learn to control your anger always. When you learn to speak with control and confidence, it will, overtime, become unnoticeable or brought under manageable control.

As for your friend, there is nothing you can do about it. If you look at the issue critically, it isn’t her fault because at her age, she doesn’t do her shopping or have a say in what her parents buy for her. Her guardian or mother does the shopping for her and makes the choices you see on her body.

So she wears the clothes her mother picks out for her just like you reflect the training of your parents. She is exhibiting the fashion choice of her mother because she doesn’t have control over her affairs for now. What you should do is to pray for her and her mother to be guided by the spirit of God.

As her friend, always stand in the gap for her each time you pray. You don’t have to tell her what you are doing on her behalf. The joy of the Lord is yours so share it with those you know.

Telling her will only alienate her from you because human nature often abhors criticism. She would naturally feel you are trying to enforce your views on her and would not take kindly to it. Jesus showed us a perfect example of how to win people to our way of thinking, not by insisting they are wrong but by showing love. Keep showing this girl love despite her pettiness. Overtime, with your prayers, she would come to appreciate what you are telling her.

Good luck.

At 16, Can’t Suicide Hide Shame Of Unwanted Baby?

Dear Agatha,

I am 16 years of age and recently discovered that I am pregnant for my 17 year old boyfriend. I got pregnant quite by accident. I honestly didn’t plan to but that day after a social function, my boyfriend suggested I accompany him to his friend’s place. While there, I took a glass of wine which unknown to me contained a considerable amount of alcohol.

Against my better judgment I allowed him sleep with me for the first time that day. When I realized what I had done and worried about getting pregnant, he assured me once wasn’t enough to get me pregnant, that it took repeated lovemaking to get a woman pregnant.

When I didn’t see my period in May, I went to him, he told me not to worry that it would come. And when it still didn’t come in June, I again told him. He gave me some tablets, nothing happened.

Now my mother has found out my state and my boyfriend is denying me and my pregnancy. I don’t know what to do because he is the only man I have known and he knows he is responsible. When I told my mother about the tablet he gave me, he denied everything.

Now my mother is insisting I keep the baby after being assured by the doctor that the baby is okay. She is also insisting I stay with her to have the baby being her only child. She has refused the option offered by my father, that I go to stay with my paternal grandmother until after the baby is borne. According to my mother, facing the music would teach me never to disgrace the family again.

I feel like committing suicide. I have just finished writing my Senior Secondary School Certificate Examination. How can I endure the shame of this pregnancy? Please help me. Why is mother being this difficult?

Yeside.

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Dear Yeside,

Your mother is only doing what she has to do to protect you from yourself now and in the future. Whether you stay with your grandmother or not, doesn’t remove the reality of your situation, that you are about to be a mother when you have barely emerged from childhood yourself. And what makes you think your grandmother would pamper you for getting pregnant at your age? Are there no people living there who would also wonder at your values and go ahead to make fun of you? There is nothing like experience which is obviously the message your mother is trying to pass across to you.

Her refusal to let you go; is to demonstrate the depth of her hurt and disappointment. Being her only, she must have had high plans for you, which doesn’t include making her a premature grandmother. How do you think she would feel seeing her only child at 16 pregnant with a child whose father has denied? How do you think it makes her feel? Happy or sad at the nonsense you have made of whatever values she gave to you? Do you realize that the society would blame her for your act, particularly as her only child?

The tendency is for everybody to think you acted the way you did because she pampered you too much. Your blame in all these would be minimal compared to her own in addition to the psychological burden of the personal blame she would ascribe to herself at the way you have turned out.

It may be your first time but the evidence of pregnancy has made you more experienced in the game than any of your friends who have managed to escape the stigma of carrying a pregnancy at 16. Don’t complicate this for her through the same selfish attitude that got you into this mess. You have made one silly mistake; don’t make another one by attempting suicide. Your parents, especially your mother would be the loser, not the man who put you in the family way who for now has taken a retreat to enable him enjoy the freedom of his age. Even if you have given up on yourself and end your own life, that child you carry deserves to live and for its sake, you must live for it.

Now you know that that once can get a woman pregnant. Anytime a woman allows a man inside her, she risks being pregnant provided it is the right time of the month. He will definitely come back but ensure when he comes back he has a lot to be sorry for. You won’t achieve that by killing yourself, making him sorry for ever abandoning you when you needed him the most.

If you die, he would never think of you or have any reason to be sorry for what he did to you and your unborn child. Your motivation is to make him sorry hence the need for you to stay alive and give your parents all the cooperation to help you bounce back on your feet with the most minimal side-effects. That you are pregnant shouldn’t stop you from improving yourself. Deploy this period of pregnancy into positive things, those things that would improve you at the end of the day. That you have finished writing your O’level examination doesn’t mean you are done with your education.
By now, you must have a clear idea of what course youintend to study at the university. Use this time to read and prepare for your Joint Admission and Matriculation Board Examinations so you don’t waste unnecessary time catching up with your mates. Also think of ways of reducing the burden of caring for the baby on your parents by going into a craft that can earn extra money for you. If you invest your time positively, you would be too busy to notice what anybody is saying as well as time to brood over your situation.

Whatever happens, learn to take each day at a time. What has happened has, there is nothing you can do about it. Learn to relax, eat and enjoy the best of this situation to give you the strength to do what you must do when the time comes. Always have this at the back of your mind that you don’t have the patent for what you have done, countless women before you found themselves precisely in this situation you are today and many more after you would also make the same mistake. Once the baby is born, you will be as good as new provided you are willing to learn from your mistake. If you are wise, use this as a springboard to launch yourself into huge and blinding success.

You could see me if you live in Lagos for a little mother and daughter talk.

Good luck.

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Have Deep Love For Him But Too Swift To Exploit Me

Dear Agatha,

I met this guy last month and we hit it off immediately. He is my kind of guy; very light skinned, bulky, handsome, gorgeous, good mannered, intelligent, you name it. He is a complete replica of one man I loved so much but who turned out to be a married man. I had to let go of my dreams since I am not into dating married men. I naturally thought it was dream come true when I met this other man.

Even though his business wasn’t rosy at the time we met, I didn’t mind because the future was more my concern. However, I am becoming very uncomfortable with him. Barely a month into our relationship, he is already talking about handling some of my father's contracts; though he didn’t know who I was before we met.

He talked about him and I getting the small cuts when we handle 'daddy's jobs. Why is he talking about that so soon or am I being too sensitive? I know people marry even President's and the Dangote's daughters but one has to be careful. We've talked about marriage that was even the basis of our meeting through a family member who thinks we compliment each other especially since both of us didn’t have an existing relationship. I love him, quite a fantastic chap but I feel it’s too sudden to talk about such a thing. What do you think?

Worried Girl.

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Dear Worried Girl,

If a member of your family introduced you two, how come you are confident he wasn’t aware of your family’s status when he first met you? From his attitude and trend of his conversation, there is the need for you to be very careful, not just in discussing your family but in the way you relate to him. For now, keep the relationship between the two of you extremely light, no commitment on your side whatsoever. If you haven’t slept with him already, please ensure you don’t just as you shouldn’t be in a haste to marry him to prevent one of the worst decisions you could make in life.

This man may have the looks of your ideal man but his behavior so far suggests he may not have the right character or attitude towards you. To have suggested you and he rip off your dad is an indication, he may not have scruples at all and may only be using you to get to your father’s wealth and contacts. There is no way you can be sure you know what you feel for him, a month after meeting him. Quite alright he reminds you of the one man in your past you once fell in love with, it is not enough for you to be so convinced that this man has what it takes for you to entrust him with your love.

For now, it seems you are in love with the idea of falling in love; with a dream that lacks the touch and tint of reality. This is quite unfortunate because if this man ends up taking advantage of you, it is because you gave him the right to do so by your inability to determine what is essential to you in a man. His attitude has provided you with the right opportunity to withdraw and study him. Beyond the buoyancy of his good looks, what sort of man is he and what are his values?

As a child growing up, what values and not looks have you always desired in your ideal man? Or are you one of those ladies who are so sentimental about the unimportant thing of a man having the grade A looks? Do you think a man who can propose you cheat on your father wouldn’t cheat on you? Walk out on you if the highest bidder comes along? Frankly, if this man sees in you a goldmine, it is simply because you refuse to take yourself too serious. There are daughters of prominent families who are today doing well in their marriages because from the beginning they set out to look for the right things in their men and marriages.

Yes, your kinds carry unfortunate burden of falling into the hands of designing men, but not when the man is so obvious in his agenda. Insist from day one that you and your daddy are two different entities and that you have nothing to do with who your father chooses to do business with. Let him read the signs that you are not ready to be used by any man to get to your father. If he can’t cope with that, it will be in your interest if you both go your different ways to enable the right man come into your life.

Finally, stop looking at what a man looks like but to who he really is.

Good luck.

Hate All Men I Met…

Dear Agatha,

Please help me with this problem that is threatening to turn my life upside down. I have been into different kinds of relationship, all which end on account of me hating the men after a while. I don’t know what to do. These days to avoid scandal, I simply ignore men completely. Please tell me what to do.

Confused Lady.

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Dear Confused Lady,

What is the scandal? Is it that you have acquired for yourself a damaging reputation in the process of changing men? Are the scandals from your way of life, a free and indiscriminating way of life which presents you as a woman with very little moral value?

Can you think of any plausible explanation as to why you end up hating them after dating them? Can you recall when these feelings begin to sprout? Is it after you become intimate with them or before? What do you find so objectionable about these men? Is it their attitude, treatment of you or response to your person? Or something you cannot even offer an explanation for?

Whatever the reasons maybe there is first the need for you evaluate your stance with God. What is your relationship with God? You need to seek Him for you to overcome this problem which sounds more like a spiritual one. It isn’t normal what is happening to you. Hence you must be alert in the spirit to guard against this problem having the upper hand over your life. To help you determine if this is a spiritual problem or not, look at the common trends in all these men. Do they have the same attitude towards you? What are the thoughts that usually instigate this feeling of hatred inside of you?

If you cannot remember anything specific, look beyond yourself to your siblings, aunties as well as other female relationships. What are there experiences in their own relationships? Do they have tales similar to yours? Chances are if they do, there is then a major problem which only the intervention of God can break. Whatever it is, you need the help of God. Tell your pastor all about it.

Don’t be shy to because by his training and calling, he is equipped to deal with this problem. However, you must have the concomitant faith and trust in God to do all things. You must also learn to forgo hatred and frustration because these are negative feelings that will not help you at all in fighting and winning this battle. On your own, learn to pray since the problem is coming from your end and not from these men.

Good luck.

He’s Hotheaded, Denies Me Dignity

Dear Agatha,

I read **Sunday Independent** mostly because of your column. Thanks for how you help in solving problems.

I am a 22-year-old pretty Igbo lady preparing to for my National Youths Service Corps (NYSC) programme soon. I am the kind of girl that any guy would love to have in his life.

A lot of people are surprised to know that despite being such a beautiful girl, I have only gone into two relationships. My current boyfriend is 27 and has finished his youth service and is searching for a job.

Even though he is hard working, I still feel he is not doing enough. However, there is one nagging issue affecting me and our relationship - I am very proud and I hate the phrase - “I am a man” - or any man giving me orders or dishing out commands.

I really cannot stand the way my boyfriend talks to me when angry. Even though I praise him for trying to change following several complaints from me, I now have reason to further worry following an incident that happened between us some days after that we were supposed to attend a friend’s birthday party.

Because of some unforeseen circumstances, we couldn’t go. By the time we were ready to go, he said it was too late for us to set out. Infuriated at his antics, I got dressed with my friend and left. He didn’t want us to go because of a slight misunderstanding between us. To my surprise and later embarrassment, he pursued us to the park with his cousin, took away my bag containing my money and phone. He knew I had no other money on me. It was so humiliating as people gathered in groups to discuss what they had just witnessed.

I had to stay with my friend for the night since I didn’t know what awaited me should I go back to his place that night. He later sent a text messages to my friend’s phone calling me a cheat and asking me to come and evacuate my things from his place the next day.

When I went for my things the next day, he had left instructions with his security man not to allow me into the compound. He told the security man to allow only my friend to pick only her things. He knew my friend and I had planned to come to pack our things.

Agatha, can you believe what he did, while I waited outside his gate, he drove past me. I went to his mother to report the incident to her but she couldn’t help. I later apologised. He returned my things and also begged my forgiveness. My worry is that I am not sure about the relationship.

From the very beginning of the relationship he has not hidden his desire to have me for his wife. I have told him to give me time to think. My confusion is, if his desire to marry me is because I am very pretty or because he loves me. What do you think?

Linda.

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Dear Linda,

I think you are becoming arrogant by your beauty to forget every other thing. In the first instance, why would you go to a party your boyfriend says you should not go? Even if his reasons don’t go down well with you or the reason for his refusal to go is based on malice, you owe him a measure of respect and loyalty not to go.

To have so humiliated him in the presence of your friend and with her support is to say the least very rude. It honestly signposts you as an arrogant woman who believes more in beauty as well self importance more than the feelings of the man in your life.

Frankly, your behaviour falls short of what is expected of a woman who loves her man and is willing to come under the authority of the man. Even though I don’t support men treating their women as second-class citizens, there is something called obedience to constituted authority. In every relationship, the man assumes the headship. It doesn’t matter if the woman is the richest in the world, prettier than any other woman in the universe, the moment she subjects herself to a relationship, showing respect for the man becomes a must.

You don’t rubbish your man in front of your friend or outsiders and expect him to just fold his arms, pamper you and gloss over the act. It is the highest act of provocation and disregard you can show the man you claim to love. Not only did you through your action dared him to do his worst but showcases your own lack of understanding of what is expected of a woman in a relationship.

You just have to first find way to expunge from your system that overdose of pride you seems to have. Beauty is not supposed to be a thing of pride, it is a gift that should be cherished and used to glorify God. The way you can achieve this is by being humble. Humility is what adds value to beauty, it is also what separates it from vanity and makes people around to appreciate it.

You don’t score very high with people when you push your beauty into their faces, become arrogant about it. Real beauty comes from within and not what we look like. Those who show humility and respect are the most beautiful in the world. These are the people whose beauty remains evergreen, get better with each passing day. Be very careful, this type of beauty you seem to celebrate so much fades. The type that lasts forever is the one that comes from within.

You are the one that has to make up your mind on what you want the most: cold beauty or the warm kind that gives encouragement and accord people all the respect they deserve.

If you love him, give him the answer he wants from you. You don’t have to marry in a hurry, just let him know he means the world to you.

This is what he is asking for and above all, learn to appreciate that whatever we are or look like, is given unto us by God who in His wisdom gives according to His unquestionable will. It doesn’t make us better or inferior to the next person.

Good luck.