He’s An Unrepentant Cheat

Dear Agatha,

I am a 23-year-old final year student in a relationship that has been on for three years now.

Last year, I found out that he has been cheating on me. I was devastated but agreed to continue with him after he promised never to do it again.

I later discovered he was an unrepentant cheat. I really made up my mind to leave him but changed when it looked as if he was really sorry.

You can therefore imagine my pains when for the third time, I discovered through a text message he sent to another girl expressing his desire to spend the night in her arms. The response of the girl shows that she thinks he is in love with her.

All these affected my love for him, but I am equally confused on how she can handle the situation.

Please help me.

Chidera.

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Dear Chidera,

It is obvious your boyfriend doesn’t understand what it means to be faithful to a woman. He belongs to the group of men who think life is about variety.

Sincerely, there is nothing you can do to change him unless he is ready for it. You either learn to accept him for who he is, or move on to a man who understands what sincerity means in a relationship.

In his own way he loves you but cannot help experimenting with other girls. To him, he is having fun, enjoying the freedom that comes with his gender and age. Until a man or woman resolves to settle down, the desire of his or her partner to ensure stability in a relationship, more often than not, destroys whatever chance they have to be happy together.

If you insist on him changing his ways now, he would continue to hurt you because despite the promises he makes to you to change, his heart isn’t set on completely settling down just yet. Mind you, this has nothing to do with his feelings for you, but a deep desire to explore the field while he still has the chance. The naked reality is that he may never have the sufficient will to remain faithful to any woman irrespective of what he feels for the special woman in his life.

Three years may be a long time but when you consider that a lifetime is involved should you continue this relationship, there is the need for you to sit down on your own to do an appraisal of your three years together.

To do a near thorough job, resist the urge to be too sentimental on account of his unfaithfulness. Doubtless, you are hurting now but learn to be very broadminded about this. For instance, should you leave him for another man, what are the guarantees that he would be faithful to you?

While not insisting you should put up with unfaithfulness, the truth of the matter is that every relationship has to define its happiness based on its strengths and limitations.

What is the strength of your relationship with him? Why has it lasted for three years? What do you find extra special about him that would make his faults appear irrelevant?

It is only when you take a broad overview of your relationship, vis-à-vis your dreams, visions and happiness that a decision would be easier for you to make.

Whatever you decide to do now must be one that will stand the test of time; one you will not regret making some few months down the road, one you will always be glad you had the guts to take.

You must find out what works for you especially to clear the cloud of confusion currently enveloping you. For instance, you must be able to answer the all important question of your place in his heart, now and in future. Once you have a clear answer to that, his adventures with these other girls may not be so painful or bothersome to you and the relationship at the end.

Believe me, this type of case has no clear-cut answer beyond what works for you.

Good luck.