He Wants His Sick Mum To Stay With Us

Dear Agatha,

I have a huge challenge, which may affect the overall outcome of my marriage if I’m not careful.

My mother-in-law, who hates me with a passion, is ill and my husband is planning on bringing her over to stay with us.

From what I hear, she has difficulties moving around, which means she can urinate and pass the big one where she sits or sleeps if help doesn’t come early enough.

I have tried to persuade my husband to send his mother to his sister’s house but he has refused, insisting he wants her to come over to his house being her eldest child. To back up his argument, he says I have a house-help as well as shop attendant, who will help me with his mother while his sister doesn’t have anybody to help.

Agatha, this woman has been a pest in my life since marrying her son eight years ago. She not only says I’m not good enough for her son but is also without manners.

Sincerely, I have never pretended to like her, which is why I don’t understand why my husband wants me to care for someone whose presence I cannot endure for a second.

I’m contemplating going to tell my sister-in-law to insist her mother comes to her house since my husband has refused to listen to my pleas but my elder sister warned me against it, insisting I would be the prime suspect if anything bad happens to her.

Agatha, I don’t want her in my house. In addition to not liking her, I don’t want her to infect my children with whatever it is she is said to be suffering from. I don’t have the strength to be moving her around or clean the house if she soils her bed.

I simply can’t! Please help me. How do I make my husband understand this?

Worried Wife.

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Dear Worried Wife,

I wish you could see yourself through this letter you wrote. You sound so selfish, mean and uncaring. How would you feel if this woman were your mother and your sister-in-law is behaving like you are doing now?

How would you feel if you find yourself in your mother-in-law’s situation and your son’s wife insists she can’t have you in her home for the same reasons you are now rejecting this woman?

Do you know what life holds for you tomorrow? From the way you are behaving now, doesn’t it appear she was right about you after all?

What manner of heart would reject a sick woman care and comfort of her child? Don’t forget before you came into the life of your husband, this woman was there. She nurtured him through thick and thin from the first moments she became pregnant with him to the stage you met and married him. Her finished product is whom you fell in love with and swore to love till death separates both of you.

Without this woman you now despise in such cold blood, your husband wouldn’t have been. If nothing else, for this reason alone, show her all the love she deserves in her condition. Even if you have an issue with her over her behaviour and treatment of you, this is not the right time to seek revenge.

If you are wise, you would use the opportunity provided by her illness to erase whatever negative impression she had of you before now. God demands of us to show love where we have been shown hatred. Care for her as you would your mother; give her all the necessary attention she deserves because illness is detribalised, genderless, ageless and no respecter of persons. It so happens she is the one on that bed, it could be you or your husband. Would you not care for your husband if he were the one in that condition? If it were you, would you like to be left alone simply because someone thinks the children would be affected by your health condition?

Your fear about this situation affecting the quality of happiness in your home is genuine but not in the direction you are thinking. The problem you are courting is beyond what you can handle, outside of your feelings and of a more dangerous consequence than what you think of your mother-in-law. If you insist she can’t stay with you, your husband may take her to another place but you can bet it would make him begin to suspect things about you and the marriage he never regarded as being important.

And when a man begins to do that, it signals big problem for the woman. You can hurt most men but when it comes to issues concerning their mothers, men are very sensitive and take seriously any slight or disaffection towards the women who gave birth to them. Chances are this man may forgive you anything, but this blatant rejection of his mother at her most crucial moment in life would remain too heavy an albatross for you to carry. The sad thing is you won’t be the only one to suffer but every member of your family as well.

There are no easy remedies when it comes to marital issues. The only remedy marriage recognises is tolerance. Whatever this woman has done, learn to tolerate her until she gets better. Her body not only gave you a husband, but those lovely children of yours.

No matter what wrong she must have turned to you, always remember the good and most important gift she gave you, happiness. Something really special you must have found in your husband to make you marry him among the lot that came for your hand in marriage. If she were such a loathsome mother, there is no way she could have allowed you marry her son or allowed you stay for the number of years you have spent in his house. That you are still there in spite of her perceived hatred for you means you are winning. So, learn to be magnanimous and care for this woman.

Are you saying your mother hasn’t offended you, treated you in more despicable ways than your mother-in-law? Chances are she might have but do you refuse to debate her attitude towards you or brand it because she is your mother. Life is about hurting and making up. The strength of life is our ability to forgive and move forward.

There is no way you can move beyond the point you have in your marriage if you don’t forgive your mother-in-law. Forgiveness is the only way you can truly encourage your in-laws to accept you as being part of the family. It is the only way too your husband can defend his choice of you as his wife to himself and, subsequently, his family.

Even if you don’t want to do this, do it for the sake of your husband and children, whose family this sick woman is.

Believe me, what you do now would come back to either hunt or save those children and you in later years. Your husband can’t be unaware of your feelings towards his mother and may be using this to see how deep your feelings of disaffection for his mother run.

If you don’t want to do it because of what the woman has done to you, why not do it for the sake of the man you love? Should this woman die without you helping to care for her, would you ever be able to forgive yourself? Think about it!

Knowing who God is as well as understanding His way would help make it easier for you to do. Pray to God to give you more understanding into His person.

Good luck.