Dear Agatha,
Please help me get over this madness happening in my family. My younger sister is just 25 and has a very bright future. She got a very good job as an advert executive in one of the media houses around, and from all indications is doing very well.
That is why I cannot understand why she is involved, and actually planning to marry a family man.
She is the only one among all of us who does not talk about her affairs. While growing up, she kept to herself. The rest of the family knew she was odd and very secretive about herself, but she is the most hardworking, always willing to do the dirty jobs the rest of us would not do.
Being the one closest to her, I had my way of getting her to talk about herself, and the things she would never discuss with anyone. She would not do that without warning me against divulging the information to other members of the family.
However, since I got married and she packed out of the house to her own rented apartment, we hardly find time to come for gist. I tried on my part to meet her but we cannot meet due to her constant excuses of not having the time anytime I make the move. She would always come up with an excuse at the last minute to cancel the meeting irrespective of whom among us made the arrangement.
One Saturday morning without any prior notice, I decided to visit her at home because I had this feeling she was trying to avoid me, while I am concerned about her.
Agatha, I was right to be apprehensive because when I got there, I met an elderly man in her apartment. From his look, he spent the night with her. I wonder what and why she would allow a man come to her place when it should have been the other way round.
It didn’t add up so I decided to call my husband to tell him I would be late to return home. Since the kids were with me, he said it was okay provided we came back before nightfall.
Determined to outstay the man, I sat patiently and taking mental notes of him and his mannerism. It was during breakfast I noticed that his wedding finger had the telltale mark of a ring. Although he was not wearing one currently, but the ring stain mark was evident.
After a while, he dressed and left.
Very much aware that my sister would try to parry the issue, I asked what she was doing dating a married man. She was shocked I knew. Always on the defensive, she told me to mind my business that at 25, she knew what she wanted. And that she was, as a matter of fact, going to marry him because she made him happy.
I thought she was joking, but she made it clear that she wasn’t out for a joke. She added that the family could go to hell for all she cared. Now she is up in arms against all the other members of the family because nobody is in her support.
What more, they think I had knew all about it from the beginning and have grouped me with her in this battle.
Agatha, please help me, not even my husband believes I am innocent. How can I persuade her against going into this marriage? Why would a young intelligent and very beautiful woman elect to marry a married man? Please save me from the twin problems I am facing. By the way, the man is 48.
Funke.
Dear Funke,
Since your sister is adamant and unwilling to listen to the voice of reason, you may have to go beyond your sister and see how you can get the man. I am sure by the time the whole family meets with him to plead with him to let your sister be, he would listen. Chances are that he might be less passionate and willingly to listen to the voice of reason.
As a young girl, your sister may be under the influence of idealism, but as a man who is married with possibly grown-up children, he is likely to be more realistic. Even if he is having problem with his marriage, it is necessary you tell him pointedly that marrying another woman is not a solution.
If he refuses, find a way of meeting his wife and children to get them to appeal to their breadwinner to leave your sister alone. Get his grown up daughters, if he has, to blackmail him emotionally. He should be asked what he would do if one of his daughters decide not only to marry a married man but one who is old enough to be her father. Your parents should be part of the delegation to meet him. All of you should collectively appeal to him to save your sister from herself. Go a step further by looking for his friends and other family members to join in the appeal.
The reason for this is that if pressured from all quarters, he might change his mind, leaving your sister with no choice than to listen to all of you.
It might also help to get your sister to talk about her reason for wanting to marry this man. It would give you all some insights into her inner mind. Something is obviously wrong somewhere because it is clear she is not in the relationship because of money, so there is more to this relationship. It could be a problem from her past, something that happened long ago but which the family is unaware of.
The preference for a father figure for a husband may be a silent and salient cry for help. She may also not be able to understand or explain this. Did the family alienate her on account of her nature? Sometimes when a child appears different from the rest, the tendency is for everybody in the family to alienate her. Did your mother go the extra mile to show her love on account of her nature or simply couldn’t be bothered since the others were okay? What about your father, did he at any time seek her out specially, to talk and establish a relationship with her as the unique child in the family?
The tragedy of growing up in a house where you are branded on account of your nature is what is doing things to shock the people who at the time you needed help made fun of you. Her preference may have been shaped for her by the attitude you all put up way back then.
Get her to see a psychologist in addition to praying for her. Fighting or being hostile to her is not a solution, but would drive her further into her shell. Unless this problem is effectively tackled, there is the likelihood she may end up with another older married man if this one agrees to let her be. It is very important she gets a fair hearing if you are to protect her from herself.
Good luck.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment