Who do I settle for?

Dear Agatha,

I’m a great reader of your column and love the way you tackle issues.
I’ve a confusing problem on my hands. There is this friend of mine whom I have known for eight years. Two years ago, he confessed his love for me saying he had loved me since he met me but due to where we met (church) and my age then he couldn’t tell. He is willing to do anything to keep me happy including staying off sex until I’m ready for it.  

But, I’m in love with someone else whom am relaxed, proud and happy to be with and who feels the same about me. We enjoy each other’s company. I’ve feelings for this guy but the former, I don’t.
Please I don’t know what to do or who to settle for among them since I don’t want to cheat on any man.  Prisca.

Dear Prisca,

From where I sit, your problem is a straight forward one. One of the men is your friend and the other one is really the one you love. What is difficult in you telling your old friend what you feel and the relationship you are in?

He has to know exactly what you feel for him; that much as you would have hoped for something more intimate with him, your heart belongs to someone else, a man you love, respect and feel comfortable with.

Let him know that you will never really be able to see him as more than the good friend that he is to you.

The earlier you explained to him, the better else, he will keep pressuring you for a relationship. Besides, he has to face the reality that he can’t have you; it is the only way he can really move forward and be free to love another woman.

However, before you do that, you must also ask yourself some fundamental questions regarding your feelings for him. The fact that you are worried enough to be confused about your feelings for him, shows that deep in the recess of your heart, you carry a kind of torch for him; one you must first have to admit to.

Yes, you are in a relationship with a man you do love but that hasn’t stopped you from developing feelings for your friend. Without you admitting what kind of feelings you have for him, you will never really enjoy yourself in whatever relationship you find yourself in as you would always wonder at the  kind of life you would have had, had you agreed to date him. There is nothing as damaging to a relationship like doubt. This is the time to X-ray your feelings completely.

It doesn’t mean you are cheating on your man by doing this; far from it. Rather, you are only helping yourself set a good foundation for both of you to be happy and enjoy everything that a relationship has to offer.

Once you are very sure, don’t hesitate to inform him about your decision. Leave the choice to him of whether or not he would want to continue being friends with you.

If he elects to continue being your friend, make sure you introduce him to your boyfriend to avoid any ambiguity in his mind.

Good luck..