Where do I go from here?

With Auntie Agatha

gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha, 

I’m a man of 32 years of age. After the death of my father, things changed for the worse for our family prompting my mother to abandon us. Till date we haven’t been able to trace her. 

Naturally, we couldn’t continue with our education immediately. 

After some years, through the help of my grandparents I stayed with, I was able to finish my senior secondary education. Before then, my immediate younger brother had left for the city since he couldn’t continue with his education. 

During the calamity in Jos, I visited him and stayed with him for a year and told him of my desire to further my education. In fairness to him, he agreed at that point to assist me with whatever he could afford. But along the line, he started to discourage me through his utterances. One day, he told me that rather than join him in farming, I want to waste resources by going to the university. I told him that I don’t intend to be a farmer like he is. 

The issue here is, he plans to marry very soon. As his elder brother and first child of the family, I have given him the necessary permission to go ahead.  

There is no way I can get married now because I’m just a security guard on a monthly salary of N12,000.00

Agatha, my worry is, will I be able to continue my education with the kind of money I earn? Given my age, do you think I should get married? To be truthful, I doubt of what the future holds. If I do get admission now, it would add additional four years or more to my current age of 32. And what assurances do I have that I would get employment immediately I  graduate given the condition of things in the country? Would my efforts not amount to nothing later in life if I still have to depend on others to feed my family? On the other hand, if I should go into marriage now, would it at the end of the day not also be a waste of time? I’m so confused.

Doubting Man.

Dear Doubting Man,

Life is laced with so many complexities and anyone who wants to make it in life, must be ready and very bold in confronting the challenges that come with every day living. As long as one is alive, these situations will always come. Only the dead is free from such encumbrances God in His infinite wisdom has wired into our existence as human beings.

The emergence of a new born baby into the world tells in explicit terms the life of struggle we are all born into. The new born baby’s cries signal the season of joy for the parents and all the medical team which means there is always laughter at the end of every period of struggle.

You cannot go far in life if you keep shrouding yourself in doubts at every move you want to take. God never promised us an easy life but His grace, to see us through.

By now, you should know there is no going any where in life without a workable plan which at every point must be reviewed according to the prevailing situation at that time.

Also, every plan works well if the foundation is premised on good ideals.

Although you didn’t say it, your plans have gone askew because deep down, you haven’t faced and resolved the disappointment, hurt as well as the confusion that followed all the events that happened in your childhood.

The umbilical cord that ties you to the past, especially the bit about  your mother abandoning you all without looking back or asking questions about you and your siblings’ welfare, has to be severed if you want to move beyond this point you are in.

Your other siblings may not be as affected by her obvious betrayal of her children after the death of your father as you are. Being the eldest, you definitely felt it more because you were older and wiser than the rest. You knew what was before the death of your father, experienced the good times more than the rest of your siblings.

The mind of the child is more complex than that of the adult. The resentment you have bottled up, all these years must be given vent for you to think clearly else, you will end up punishing an innocent woman you marry for the crimes of your mother. You will also end up resenting anybody who fails to help you like you are already doing to your brother.

Yes, you have every right to aspire for the best in life but it must be fashioned on reality. If by now, you haven’t even started the process of gaining admission into the university, when will you begin? At your age, you should by now have realized that there is a huge difference between desire and determination. Yes, you desire an education but are you determined to pay the price that goes with it?

If your ambitions are really fueled by determination, you won’t hesitate to go to the farm with your brother to earn extra money to add to your salary to sponsor your dream. People at your age with your kind of history who want to better their lot in life, do go the extra mile. This is what is missing in your dream.

Even if your mother had stayed back, at 32, you are more than old enough not just to stand on your own but, to shoulder other responsibilities. Nobody can do what you aren’t ready to do for yourself at this stage of your life.

Doubtless, your plans need to be reviewed because like you know, age isn’t something that waits for anybody. Unless you aren’t planning to work with the certificate, you are already approaching the prime of your productive age. Not many companies would want to employ a man who is almost 40 with no working experience.  Even the civil service with all its laxity, won’t employ you at that age because you don’t have the experience that adds value to any establishment at that age.

God premised the world on wisdom and accurate calculations. This is why everything has its time and place. Just as it would be wrong for you to get married without planning how you are going to fend for your wife and children; so also, is having children late in life, not too good.

Therefore you must marry your plans with plenty of wisdom especially as you also have younger ones to worry about. Even if you don’t think so, you owe those children some level of assistance so they don’t end up complete failures in life. They can only be useful to themselves if you are up and about and focused.

Sincerely, there is nothing that pays like farming. It won’t be such a bad idea to join forces with your brother to grow the farm to help you all get over the pains of the past.

This way, you can get married and still go to school on part-time basis.

Once you are able to plan well, apportion your time adequately, you will be surprised at how easy things become for you.

Always go to God at every point of your life for fresh ideas and flavors in your plan.

You won’t be confused if you do that.

Good luck