How do I handle her?

Dear Agatha,

Having read almost every piece of advice you have given so far on your page since I was in secondary school, I know you will be able to put me through.

There is this girl I have come to love very much. I admit when I approached her for a relationship, I just wanted her for the fun of it but along the line, I found myself falling for her. I also discovered she has never slept with any man. At first, I tried to dissuade her from holding on to her virginity but the more I tried, the more determined she was.

Arrogantly, I thought it was because she has never met a guy like me but when I found out that she wasn’t going to give in to me, I decided to stop and get to know her better instead.

The more, I found out about her, the more convinced I became about keeping her in my life. 

However, loving her didn’t stop me from playing the field. I needed to let off tension from time to time so I had this other lady too in my life.

Unfortunately for me, my girlfriend came unexpectedly on one of those days this other girl came to my apartment. 

Painfully too, she was wearing my shirt as we just had sex. It was painful because I never planned for her to meet this other lady in my life and in the condition she met us.

I tried to explain but she refused to listen. The other lady took advantage of her young age and lack of experience to paint another picture of what isn’t between the two of us.

I don’t know how it happened but the other lady ended up slapping her and that really made a mess of my pleas to her to forgive me.

To cut the long story short, she went back to her hostel where all her friends ganged up to influence her decision against our relationship. The fact that she came back with injuries didn’t help matter. Her elder sister, she shares the room with, doesn’t even allow me close to her anymore.

I have done everything to make her see reasons with me but nothing appears to be working.

Unknown to me, this other girl went behind me to her hostel to continue with the fight which fortunately, her housemates repelled. 

Knowing how dangerous the other lady can be, I had to stop going to her hostel to give this other lady the impression I had changed my mind about my relationship with my girlfriend.

This is my dilemma. I don’t want her to get hurt but how do I get to tell her I really love her without putting her in harm’s way?

Agatha; help me because she means the whole world to me.

James.

Dear James,

Betrayal is often very difficult to forgive and forget in any relationship.

No matter what you designed the other girl for in your life, the fact that you have another woman outside her, is enough to make her think twice about your claims of loving her.

Love is much more than telling someone you love him or her. it has to be acted out every time. You cannot be in love with one person and have the presence of mind to date another. Love demands faithfulness and truthfulness at all times. Maturity also calls for caution and self control at every point in time. If she cannot trust your words at this point in time in your relationship, how do you expect her to trust you when the relationship becomes older?

Also, the element of violence is dangerous. Only very few people are at home with violence or humiliation. No matter what, you could have prevented the other lady from attacking her.

The fact that you were unable to curtail the other lady might be another reason for her to be apprehensive of continuing with you. The other lady’s visit to her hostel to fight her, underscores her reason for fear. Think, what would have happened to her if her hostel mates weren’t there to prevent the other lady from accomplishing her mission. There is no telling what a violent person is capable of doing especially with the prevalence of relationship related violence across the nation.

What would be her story if her parents get to find out that she is being attacked in school because of a boy?

The only assurance she obviously needs from you is her safety. Deep down, can you guarantee this? The fact too that you had to lie that you are no longer involved with her to prevent this other girl from going after her shows you are not even in charge of your life.

Therefore, it is best you allow her be if you really love, at least for the sake of her safety. She needs to be alive for you to keep up the hope of spending the rest of your life with her.

Besides, you are also not protected from the consequences of your other girlfriend finding out you are still involved with your girlfriend. The moment she finds out that she is still in your life, she would not only come after you but ensure she leaves you incapable of loving another woman.

But, you caused it. In her shoes, you would also feel used. How do you expect her to behave in that situation- Coming face to face with your dream woman while you waste her life and use her for your sexual satisfaction?

If she went over the bar, it is because you didn’t treat her well. You lied to her about your feelings for her. If she were your sister, would you be happy that another man is using her as his sex tool? Even though she didn’t do well by attacking the other girl who is also your victim, you really are to blame for all these.

What you should do is to appeal to her for forgiveness. Tell her you didn’t plan what happened; that you also deceived the other lady like you misled her.

Explain to her that for the time being, you would like to be left alone so as not to further hurt her by seeing another girl.

This should help douse the tension around you sufficiently for you to think straight.

Also use this time to really think about what you want from life. Every season has its blessing and importance. If you waste it on following different women, you may just miss that special moment or woman God designed for you.

There will always be women in your life but the moment you are now may never come your way again.

If God says the other lady is yours, you will find each other again but let her know that you love her too much to see her hurt. You could do this by going through her sister or phone.

Explain to her how sorry you are about the turn of events and why you are letting her go for now.

God has a way of arranging things to please His name.

Good luck.