My daughter is pregnant for my best friend’s husband

Dear Agatha,

I have been implicated by my daughter in a matter I know about. But I must find a solution before it becomes very messy. It has to do with my childhood friend’s husband. I don’t know how it happened but recently I discovered my daughter pregnant by accident. 

I don’t know if she was trying to abort the child or not, but when I went to her room, I discovered some strange drugs and a pregnancy test kit. I also found proof of her being pregnant. She is actually very careless even though she tries to hide so many things from me.

I immediately called her to see me over an urgent matter. She wanted to know what the matter was but I told her to come home. She didn’t actually grow up with me. Part of her life was spent with her father until she insisted she wanted to come over to my place.

When she came, I didn’t beat about the bush. Without saying too much, I placed the evidences of her being pregnant on the table.  Initially she tried to dodge the issue by taking offence at by going to her room to search through her things.

When she found out I was more than ready to battle her and force the truth out of her if the need be, she owed up to being pregnant and promised to bring the man responsible home to meet with me. But she warned me that the man was elderly and married but since he didn’t want her to terminate the pregnancy, she wanted to keep due to fear of her dying on the abortion table.

I really didn’t know what to make of it especially given the not too cordial relationship between the father and I but I encouraged her to bring the man home.

You can imagine my shock when the man turned out to be my best friend’s husband. Neither of them knew each other and the relationship between them.

The shock of the discovery made my husband’s friend to start begging for my forgiveness as well as my daughter. From what I pieced together from his explanations, the decision to get pregnant was my daughter as she never agreed to his suggestions they use a condom. In his words, my daughter always told him, she didn’t mind getting pregnant for him.

Unknown to me, the pregnancy is about six months old making it impossible to abort.

My friend on the other hand is hypertensive and is the source of her husband’s wealth. I’m closer to her than even my own siblings.

She practically established me in business and has never failed to support me whenever the need arises.

She was actually supposed to be at the meeting but couldn’t make it due to an urgent appointment somewhere else.

She called immediately she came back to ask for the outcome of the meeting; I had to lie that the man couldn’t make it and that I would relay the new date to her.

What do I do? How can I tell her that the man we are supposed to meet is actually her husband?

My daughter’s father is also threatening me on the other hand. What would he say if he finds out that the person who impregnated his daughter is his age mate and husband to my friend?

To complicate matters, my friend phoned to inform me that someone saw her husband with a pregnant young lady and that judging from their disposition, the husband is responsible.

My heart jumped into my mouth. I started to cough that she had to excuse me from the phone. I haven’t called her back since.

Please help me find a workable solution to this mess.

Worried Mother.

Dear Worried Mother,

There is no other way around this issue but to face your friend with the truth. The earlier, you did, the better for you because it would be a different ball game if she finds out from other sources that the pregnant lady is your daughter.

There is nothing you would say at that point that will ever make sense to her. To her, it would be a very big and fatal stab on her back.

Since abortion is out of it and the circumstances that brought the two of them together had nothing to do with you and above all, both of them were ignorant of the closeness of the two families, go to her house with someone she respects, like your mother if you still have one or a close person to the two of you to explain your predicament.

This issue here isn’t about her home which whether you like it or not has already been affected by the decision of your daughter to get pregnant for a married man but salvaging a friendship that has taken both you almost a lifetime to build.

Hearing it from you and seeing your sincere perplexity in the matter would help a great deal to moderate her reactions.

Granted that no woman in her shoes will clap at the knowledge of a girl who is like her own daughter getting pregnant for her husband, but it would help her state of mind a great deal to know that you knew nothing of it at all until the stage you called her to confide your discovery.

You really don’t have the luxury of time. In addition, explain to her that you didn’t know what to do when you found out her husband is responsible for your daughter’s pregnancy. That you had to lie to give you the time to recover and think of how best to approach the matter since you are at the centre of it all.

Be prepared for whatever she says to you, calls your daughter or does to you. In her shoes, you would do the same.

In explaining to her, don’t leave anything out of it, including the advanced stage of the pregnancy and your confusion on what to do. Make it clear, if the pregnancy was young, you would have insisted on it being terminated to protect her from the agony and unpleasantness of this situation.

To help both of you, ensure you have a visible plan that would bridge the complications of the situation. One thing you should insist on is your daughter not staying with them. All you are going there to do is to beg your friend to forgive you and your daughter.

Assure her, you would be responsible for the care and upkeep of the child; that unless she desires it, the child will have nothing to do with her family.

Make it clear you are being forced by your role as the mother to take responsibility for your daughter’s behaviour.

There is also the need to call your daughter to order. Let her know that whatever happened between them before the knowledge of your closeness to his wife, should remain in the past irrespective of the presence of the baby.

Your daughter’s conduct from now will determine how fast your friend heals from this shock. If she goes ahead to ridicule you and your friend by flaunting her relationship with him in public glare, she leaves the woman with no choice but to react in whatever way she deems fit.

There is also the issue of your friend’s children to the knowledge of your daughter having a child for their father.

Sincerely, things might not be easy for both of you to remedy but do all you can to control your daughter from this point because the survival of your friend’s home depends on how well she is able to handle this situation especially as your friend will be all alone as she won’t be able to come to you for any moral support.

As for the reaction of your daughter’s father, you just have to endure whatever comes out of this while you keep praying that God takes complete control of the situation.

Good luck.