I hate her

Dear Agatha,

Two weeks from now, I hope to be getting married to my boyfriend of five years. He is really exceptional.

However, there is this lady, a childhood friend of his who has always been present in his life. they are very close to the extent that they tell each other everything happening to them.

When he first met me, it was this lady he sent to investigate me. He decided to declare his interest only after this lady had given him a full report about me.

I got to know this when I fought him over his closeness to this lady in the first year of our relationship.

Despite his explanations, I’m still very jealous of her closeness to my boyfriend despite knowing her fiancé and his closeness to my boyfriend.

Infact, he is my boyfriend’s best man. 

Last week, I went to my boyfriend’s house to discuss issues concerning our wedding with him. To my surprise, she was also there, cooking his meal and looking like the woman of the house.

Needless to say, something snapped inside of me prompting me to attack her. it was so sudden I didn’t understand it myself but she ended up in the hospital as a result of the injury she sustained from hitting her head on the wall.

Honestly, I don’t know what to do because my boyfriend and his family members appear reluctant to go ahead with the wedding; branding me a very violent person.

According to his elder sister, the lady I attacked is a member of their family given the fact that they all grew up together. The thinking is, if I can assault her so viciously, what would happen if someone I don’t know gets close to my man? 

My parents too are baffled and don’t know how to go about the issue again. 

A cousin of his’, has told me that the only person that can plead on my behalf is the lady in question.

But some of my friends are kicking against my going to her. as a matter of fact, one of my friends, who is my chief bride’s made is of the opinion that I should forget the wedding ceremony if it comes to going through the lady to beg my boyfriend. She stated that my boyfriend should be the one begging me and not the other way round.

My elder brother and the closet to me in our family, agrees with the suggestion that I should go and beg the lady. He said, in my boyfriend’s shoes he would do the same; that I had not right to do what I did whatsoever.

Even if I want to go and beg her, what will I be telling her since I don’t think I have done anything wrong? I feel she is trying to steal my boyfriend from me. I hate her for being his friend and confidant. I can’t help feeling this way I about her.

But I do need to get my man to listen to me and forgive me so our wedding ceremony can go on.

I’m so confused. Please help me.

Goodness.

Dear Goodness,

Obviously, you aren’t ready to get married to this man. a woman who wants to get married to the man in her life won’t adopt your kind of attitude.

From your posture on this matter, his family has every reason to be apprehensive because this kind of jealousy you are displaying can make you kill or maim anyone you perceive as obstructing your closeness to your husband now or later in life. Not even his family is exempted from your kind of jealousy.

If you cannot explain what happened to make you attack this lady, serious enough to land her in the hospital, you clearly have an issue with your temper which you must first tackle before you can talk of getting married.

There is very little love can do in the face of a violent disposition. There is no way a man would be able to live with a woman, no matter how deep his love for her is, who without thinking can destroy all he has worked for.

What would you have done if that woman had died or ended up with a more serious injury? What would have been your excuse that you found her in boyfriend’s kitchen? If you can so ferocious attack a woman whose relationship with your boyfriend predates your meeting him and who has been involved in your relationship from the beginning, what would you do to a woman you don’t even know?

Truth be told, another woman who really has an agenda to steal your man would have capitalized on your attitude to take him away from you. she wouldn’t have stopped at that but instituted a legal case of assault against you. If she had done that, you won’t be debating going to her rather, you would have since gone to her to withdraw the case against you.

The fact too that you are still listening to your friends on whether to go and beg the lady or not shows that you aren’t really interested in getting married to this man. frankly, your attitude as well as disposition is puzzling. You are not behaving like a woman whose marriage is only two weeks away but a young girl who doesn’t know her left from her right who is being forced to do something she doesn’t have faith in.

If love for your boyfriend is what prompted your action as well as desire to protect your territory, go and beg this lady. Even if you don’t like her, good manners demand you go and apologise to her for such an unwarranted attack. Like I said, you are lucky she didn’t take a legal action against you. Truth be told, there is nothing provocative in the situation you found her. She was only in the kitchen cooking for her friend and brother.

Your boyfriend didn’t hide his relationship with her from you. Right from the beginning she has been involved; something both of them didn’t hide from you. Her fiancé is even the best man at your forth coming wedding ceremony.

If your boyfriend and this lady had anything to hide, their relationship won’t be that obvious. And for every member of his family to queue behind the lady shows that they are nothing more than you know.

For peace sake as well as your happiness, ignore your friends and do as your brother and your boyfriend’s cousin have advised.

Explain to the lady that you don’t know what came over you and the reason you appear to detest her. Pour out your mind to her; let her understand your insecurity regarding her closeness to your man.

Talking to her about it will even make you understand the reason for your jealousy of her person.

The issue here isn’t just her closeness to your boyfriend but something you think she has, that you don’t have at all.

It could be a simple matter of you not knowing how to be a friend to your fiancé which she has. Talking to her will enable you pin point what the problem really is and to ask her help in getting over the problem.

From time to time, you would really need her help to iron out some rough edges between you and your man especially in those early years of trying to build a home. if you throw her out completely, you may not find another person close enough to him to mediate during those trying period in every marriage.

Meeting her outside your boyfriend will really afford you the opportunity to find out that special quality in her that has kept her and your boyfriend friends since their childhood days.

Don’t forget that on account of their relationship, she knows so many things about your man that you don’t know. If you play your cards well, she can be a very helpful ally in making your husband very happy. For instance, as friends, they know what they each like and what makes them most happy. These are information that will help you surprise your man sufficient to install peace in your home.

As for your friends, the earlier you did away with them, the better for you. good friends would have offered to go with you to do as your boyfriend demands. Asking you to ignore his desire shows they are not the kind of people to keep around you else you will end up making mistakes in your decisions and marriage.

I’m sure, if the lady agrees to talk to your boyfriend, everything will work out fine. This is one major test; you must not fail because a good wife is the one who does what pleases her husband.

In addition, you must also realize that in attacking that lady, you also called to question the integrity of your man because a lot of people who don’t know him would from your reactions begin series of speculations about his person and nature of his relationship with the lady.

This is why you must do as he asks to put things right.

Good luck.

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