I wish to appreciate God for your role in the lives of a lot of people. Also, I wish to say thank you for not disappointing the purpose of God for your life I would appreciate if you can bail me out from this love tangle. I’m a man of 28 years of age and a graduate. I got attracted and fell in love with a girl of 20 years of age and my neighbor. She is in 200 level in the university. I am preparing to settle down with her by the end of 2014.
When I approached her for friendship, it took almost five months before she accepted to date me. By this time, I knew she has what I always wanted in a wife.
On my birthday, I opened up and told her of my intentions to marry her. She didn’t immediately respond to my request. Two days later, I called her, and she requested for six months to think and pray about it. I agreed but, I now doubt if she is really praying about it or using it to push me off. Most times, I have this feeling that she might capitulate to the pressures of other guys also interested in her.
Should I go on with my search or wait for her? What if her response turns negative after waiting for that long? We are best of friends, but she is not my girlfriend yet. What is your view on this issue?
Worried Friend.
Dear Worried Friend,
From all you have said, you don’t have anything to worry about except you aren’t telling the whole truth here.
At 20, she is just emerging from her teenage years and may not be as keen as jumping into a full blown relationship as you obviously are. At 28, you have had time to enjoy some of the freedom that comes with the early 20s.
To be fair to her, she isn’t exactly too clear on the issue of marriage as you want her to be. Therefore, if she is asking you for six months out of a lifetime to think and pray about your request, you should indulge her. It isn’t too much to ask of you if indeed you are serious about marrying her. Even if you think she is only making an excuse, whatever is what having, is worth waiting for.
To appreciate her position, take a retrogressive look to your own days, when you just clocked 20. Can you recall what your objectives were back then? Would you have been over joyed at anyone offering you a marriage proposal at that age? The fact that your girlfriend to be is a woman doesn’t mean she too must jump immediately at your interest to marry her at the end of this year.
Like you, she too must have made some plans for her future; something you should ask her first before making the offer of marriage.
Also, you have obviously had time to think the whole thing out; she hasn’t. You must give her time to soak in the thoughts of her getting married at the end of this year.
She must first find an equilibrium between her dreams and your marriage proposal before she can fully embrace it. This isn’t something you can rush or force her into making an instant choice. To do that would be to deny both of you of the fulfillment that comes with being with the one you want to spend the rest of your life with.
The danger of a hasty decision may not manifest until later in the marriage when the adjustments of staying together begins to take its toll on the relationship. Often time, it is the knowledge of knowing that you are with your right partner; that makes the challenges of sharing your space with a stranger, manageable and bearable.
If a cloud of doubt has been in the offering; what this period does is simply to magnify the extent of doubts till its submerges the real reason for the marriage. This is the point most couples begin the destructive macabre dance of divorce all because they got it wrong from the beginning.
On your fear of another man stealing her from you; it is baseless. Telling you yes, immediately won’t stop other men from indicating interest in her. Even when you marry her; it won’t stop other men developing interest in her. Whether, she gives you and immediate answer or not, the decision to guard her body and heart is one only she can make. She doesn’t need your presence in her life to behave and uphold her own moral ethics. It is imperative you get this very straight to protect yourself against hurt now or in the future; no man can Police a woman who doesn’t want to be policed. The decision to stay faithful to a particular man is one a woman makes from the depth of her heart on her own, not because there are people looking at her; waiting to judge her. Ultimately, a woman is answerable to herself and not to the man she is in a relationship with or married to. The prayer of every man is to find a woman who has a conscience and good moral values. These are what make a woman faithful to her man, not the monitoring, doubts or violence some men brew to keep their women in check.
Once she has not given you reasons to doubt or question her person; allow her be. Six months is nothing, compared to a lifetime of happiness.
However, there are two things you must do. One is to find out what her own plans are for her life. It was wrong and very assuming of you to think, that simply because you are ready to settle down, she too must be willing to. Relationships don’t work that way. She is in the university for a reason-to empower herself; she is studying a particular course because she has dreams for herself.
Find out from her what her plans are and at what point, marriage comes in. You are not doing her any favour by asking her to marry you. So don’t put up the attitude that would make her think you are doing her a huge service. Marriage is a-two way traffic; you must do everything to engage and sustain her interest.
There is no love without care and concern for the happiness of one’s partner.
You must go back to her to find ways of apologizing to her with a view of discussing her future plans with her. Seeing your interest in her future, would give her a clear picture of the kind of wife you want. Also, it would put her at ease since it shall provide her with a chance of explaining how she wants you to treat the issue of her career. For the modern woman, the issue of career must be factored into whatever marriage plans a man is coming up with. She wants to know from the onset how much premium a man would place on her efforts to do better for herself.
Gone are the days when women liked to stay at home. For the young woman of today, she wants to go out and make some money for herself and family.
Because that money would be important to you too, hear her out and find a common ground to peg your dreams. With her consent and help, both of you would be able to discuss as objectively as possible as partners and not as a boss and subordinate thing.
Granted, you are older, you must from this early stage, learn to respect her wishes and feelings.
Sincerely, you didn’t act like a gentle man by telling her you want to get married at the end of the year without first knowing if she would be ready to settle down at the end of the year.
The bit about whether or not she is wasting your time, isn’t something I can answer but if you tackle the issue of her career and plans well, the answer would be very clear to you.
However, I’m worried about the question of you going on with your search. Is it that you aren’t sure of the kind of woman you want and only offering this girl a proposal because you feel the need to settle down? Are you sure you even know what you want from a woman? If you do, you would wait to see how things turn out between the two of you and not waiting to jump board at the slightest sign of resistance to your plans for her. It is you that should examine yourself very well and not this girl.
You will get a better perspective into what you want by going closer to God through prayers and fasting. This is absolutely important.
Good luck.
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