My sister wants to return the son I gave her

With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, Twenty-five years ago, I gave my child out to my elder sister whose uterus was defective from birth. As early as five, doctors told our parents she would never be able to have a child in her life. When I became pregnant and my boyfriend refused to accept responsibility of the pregnancy, she begged me not to terminate it; that I should instead have the baby and give it to her. I agreed because I was afraid to go through the process of abortion, which wasn’t as common then as it is now. The baby turned out to be a boy. I handed him to my sister right in the hospital. I am not sure she told her husband about the state of her womb because while I was pregnant, she also pretended she was. She practically moved in with us to make her pretense easier for her. Apart from our immediate family, nobody is aware of what happened. My mother was a matron and had her own clinic. She handled everything. The birth record of the boy reads my sister’s name and that of her husband. I have since married with four other children. I didn’t bother to tell my husband about the boy because to me the incident didn’t happen at all. I didn’t even bother to tell him I was pregnant before. My first two children are in the university while the younger ones are in secondary school. My husband is the best thing that could happen to any woman. About five years ago, my sister joined a church. She started by keeping her distance from the family. Two years later, she sent my son back to me without saying anything. Since she didn’t, say anything, I also didn’t but about three months ago, she told me she wants to return the child to me and to confess to her husband and mine that I am the real mother of the child. She said her pastor said she should go and confess her sins. My mother has tried to talk her out of it pointing out that it would affect my marriage since my husband knows nothing about our arrangement but she has refused, insisting she doesn’t want to go to hell. I don’t want my marriage to break up because only last week, I questioned my husband on what he would do if he finds out that I have a child I never told him about. His reply prompted this mail to you; he said he would terminate our marriage. What do I do? I cannot afford to lose my home because of the good I did for my sister. Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, Don’t wait for her to blow the whistle on you, go first to your husband with your story; no matter how unpalatable he finds the story. It is best he gets to hear it from you first before your sister gets to him. If she does, you would have lost the opportunity of retaining the trust and confidence of your husband for life. There is nothing you would ever say thereafter that he will believe. Even though he would be pained and disappointed at the knowledge that you hid this piece of information from him, it is the very reason you should really plead with him to forgive you; that you kept the information away from him because of the vow you made to your sister and family. That, telling him would have amounted to betraying the collective trust of your family and that you admit you would never have told him if your sister didn’t have a change of mind. If the matter gets out of hand, get your mother, since she is still alive to further talk to him. Being elderly and privy to the whole arrangement, she has the experience to further cool him down and beg for the understanding of your husband. Let her take the blame of your not telling him. I am sure if she explains her role in the whole episode as well as her influence over you to him, he would understand and better appreciate your position. While at it, give him the full details of how you got pregnant and how the father of your child hasn’t bothered to look back ever since. This is the juncture you let him have all the details about your life so that you don’t ever have to apologise to him about your past again. This is necessary to avoid putting your marriage through this kind of situation. It would be too much of a burden for the marriage if you neglect to let him have all the information about your past life. No matter the angle you look at this matter from, if the truth must be told, you should have confided in your husband for the simple reason that you could run into somebody who knew you when you were pregnant in the presence of your husband all those years ago. What would be your reaction if the person asks the innocent question of the whereabouts of that child? Did you ever consider the possibility in all these arrangements with your sister of the biological father of that boy coming someday to ask for his child? Marriage isn’t a transient thing, rather it is for a lifetime. No matter how tight your arrangement was with your sister, this is one secret that couldn’t have lasted forever. These kinds of stories have a way of erupting when one least expects. That is why couples must always come clean with stories of their past. What you, your sister and mother tried to do was play god in a matter that God has already decided. What He did was to use your sister to stop you from aborting that child and giving your sister a child to help her through her most vulnerable period in life. The fact that she wants to tell the truth shouldn’t stop the boy from living with her. The only thing is that he now knows the identity of his biological mother. After living with her for 25 years, it would be unfair to all concerned even if she appears unreasonable, selfish and stiff-necked if you accept your son back without giving her the option to continue to be his mother. Her husband may not forgive the deceit of what happened all those years ago, hence would need the warmth of the only child she has ever known to pull her through. Therefore, forgive whatever she is trying to do to your marriage and life by helping her cope with the emotional challenges she is about to unleash on herself and marriage. But beyond your husband and sister, is the challenge of confronting your son with the details of his birth. While your husband may not bother too much about the identity of the father of your son, your son would definitely demand it from you. Be prepared to go back in time to give him all the information that will help him live a normal life again. He is a man; he might want to drop his current name for his father’s. Be prepared to show him love and be there for him anytime he needs your attention and even when he appears not to need you. More than anyone of you, he is the one who is going to suffer more emotional problem from all these. This is the time you have to be the mother you have never been to him. May God give you the strength, wisdom and patience to cope. Good luck