I will never trust a woman again

Dear Agatha, I am 32 years of age. I had a son when I was in the university but didn’t marry the mother of my child because I caught her in bed with my best friend. Everything in me died that day. I lost confidence in myself, friends and the world generally. I loved her with my entire being. I was ready to do anything for her and my best friend, we were like brothers. I felt really betrayed. Unfortunately, I walked into them with another friend who in turn told other friends. Left to me, I wouldn’t have bothered telling anybody about it. Following this development, some of my friends pressured me to contest the paternity of my son but my mother insisted the child was mine. She said, the baby was my replica at that age. The assurance from my mother didn’t make me question the paternity of my child. Eight years down the road, the boy is my mirror age and my source of unconditional joy. I have had several relationships but none lasted beyond the first few months. After that incident, I became ruthless with women. When she came back to beg me, I didn’t turn her away but instead humiliated her by sleeping with her for several months before showing her the exit door. I didn’t stop at that, I made sure the new woman I was dating then and her friends witnessed her disgrace. From that point, it was kiss and drop because I see deceit in every woman. It almost affected my relationship with my mother and siblings but they were very understanding of my state of mind. Emotionally, I have been a mess since that incident. But last year, I was able to take control of myself and decided to fall in love again. Although my present girlfriend appears responsible and is loving but I cannot get the image of my first girlfriend out of my mind. Each time I want to trust my current girlfriend, the image of my ex and my former best friend making love appears to destroy everything. I hear that my former best friend and my ex got married. This piece of information makes me more determined to hurt as many women as possible. Unfortunately, it is affecting my relationship with my current girlfriend who on the surface appears to be a well brought up girl. Just two weeks ago, she informed me that she is pregnant. This is where my real fear comes from. What if the child is a trap or not mine? What if another friend is sleeping with her? Can I ever trust another woman again? Will I ever be rid of pains of that betrayal? Agatha, help me; deep down I see women generally as devils. Paul. Dear Paul, First you have to rid your mind of the notion that women are evil. Both men and women need each other to be fully complete. That one woman betrayed shouldn’t stop you from trusting again. There is no adult that hasn’t a sad love tale to tell. Relationship and disappointment go hand in hand. Life is about pains, disappointments and joy. Sometimes God takes away bad people from our lives to enable Him give us a better person. Rather than bemoan the fact that you caught your ex with your former best friend, why not look at the flip side of the coin; that of appreciating God for making it happen before you committed the mistake of marrying a woman who would have been sleeping with your best friend behind you or one that would have stood you up at the altar. Which one would have been more painful-finding out too late that you married the wrong woman or what you witnessed? If she and your friend eventually got married to each other, it should tell you that both of you weren’t meant to move beyond the point you parted ways. What you owe each other is that child. So why remain bitter against something fate didn’t plan for you? Besides, you cannot afford to hold on to this grudge longer than necessary because you are the one who is suffering from it all. Both of them are married and living their lives; if they weren’t happy with each other, they won’t end up getting married. Irrespective of what they did to you, they are obviously happy with each other. They can’t be bothered with what or how you feel about them: if God hasn’t approved of a thing, who is man to make it happen? Honesty, you should be grateful to God for His mercy rather than wallow in self pity and bitterness at what could have been. What would you have done if the incident happened after you have married her? Going through a bad marriage is one of the worst things that can happen to a man or woman in life especially if all your life, you have looked forward to having a happy home. You have mourned for too long. Not every relationship we enter into ends up in marriage. That you both have a child together isn’t the same as having a good life together. She has made her choice, time for you too to make your choice else the world will think you are the problem. As a matter of fact, your reaction is unwittingly making you a monster to many women who have been unjustly hurt by your refusal to let go of the memories of your hurt. No matter what your justifications are, the women you have hurt will use your example to judge all men who come their way. Like you are doing now, they will label men too as devils and in turn throw away their chances to happiness in a relationship with a better man than you. You have every right to be hurt but making others suffer for your inability to outgrow your pains after eight years isn’t fair. By now, with more age on your side, you should realize love is a chemistry that happens in unexpected places. Sometimes, it is so blind it can happen when you least expect and between two very odd persons. Unless you give yourself another opportunity to love again, experience a different kind of woman, you will never know what true love is all about. With the right kind of woman, you will overtime come to appreciate the essence of love. Life is a risk. Just like you are taking a risk falling in love with her, she is also taking a risk entrusting her heart and life to you. Love is a gamble but it behooves you to trust in your own decisions to make it work. You are feeling the effects of that betrayal and pains because you have refused to let go. It is imperative you bury the memories of that betrayal so as to be free to love this woman in your life. You have to let happiness permeate your current relationship by making out time to find out who your current woman rally is. It is the only way to build trust again. She must have a very special quality for you to have fallen in love with her notwithstanding your current disposition to women. This is what you should devote your time to finding out instead of looking for excuses where none is. Besides, your ex didn’t even foist on another man’s child so why are you afraid this one would? Create time for both of you to really be together to talk. The power of dialogue is great in healing wounds, no matter how old. Without you giving yourself a chance to experience the good side of a woman, how will you find out the angels within women? For every bad person, there are two good ones waiting to be discovered around the corner. Women are not all devils just as men are not too. Situations and circumstances we find ourselves influence our reactions to certain things. You will be surprised to discover that God has sent an angel your way to heal you. Your refusal to let go of yesterday’s memories may have blocked you from appreciating her but deep in your subconscious is that awareness that she is good for you hence the reason you fell in love with her despite your antagonism towards women. Once you give yourself the freedom to trust again, you will definitely be happy one more time. Trust is all you need to obliterate all the nagging questions you have allowed to hunt you about women and relationships. Good luck.