He is unserious at 31

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I’m writing to you because I hope hearing from you will ease the pain I feel and if possible, proffer a solution. Many thanks in advance. I’m a young girl of 22, just rounding off the NYSC program. I’ve been dating this guy for about three years. It has not been a very smooth one but we managed to patch it somehow. One of the reasons I respect him is because he agreed to wait to consummate the union on our wedding night as I am a firm believer in ‘’keeping the wedding bed undefiled”. He is 31 years old but acts like a 22 year old boy. It makes me sick; he tolerates unnecessary friends and still lives with his parents. He has a lot of female friends who take advantage of his nice nature. There’s so much to say but I’m sure you have an idea. However, he’s a wonderful person and he has been there for me. We lack effective communication. But I think I have fallen out of love with him and I don’t know why. Two pastors have given me prophecy that he is my husband but I can’t just understand it. Although I have told him I’m not ready for marriage he’s ready to wait. I am a young, smart, ambitious and intelligent lady. I am also very matured and comported. I’m not trying to praise myself but it took me a lot of discipline to be this way. My fallout with my boyfriend is drawing me closer to my best friend who is a guy. This guy understands me in ways my boyfriend can’t. We talk and chat for hours without getting bored. Agatha, I’m beginning to fall in love with him and I think he knows, the way we click is amazing because he stays abroad but he manages to come home often so we get to see. The only hindrance to my committing myself to him is, because he wants to get sexual and I forbid it. He has persuaded me; talked me into it. He has even tried to rape me but I still foolishly like him. He even says he will take responsibility if I am afraid of getting pregnant because he thinks that’s my major fear. I feel so comfortable and at ease with him. He makes me happy. I used to be indifferent but I get bothered and moody when I don’t hear from him in three hours. I am in a dilemma and I could go on and on. My boyfriend knows something is wrong but he thinks it’s the NYSC distance. I am just hanging on and don’t want to cut it off because of what people will say especially as he also asked my pastor to speak with me. My bestfriend will be coming to Nigeria again in two weeks time and I’m getting worried. I am so confused. Is there anything as the one man for me? How do I get my best-friend to change his view on sex before marriage because I don’t want to give in to his pressure? How do I move on and cut my best-friend away from my life because I don’t want to go against my principles? Could it be love or infatuation? How do I rekindle the love in this faded relationship if he is the one? I do not ever want to cheat on him. Confused Girl. Dear Confused Girl, There is a lot of wisdom in not wanting to cheat on your boyfriend. From the account you gave of your best-friend, there is the need for you to exercise caution. Between likeness and love, there are several shades of feelings; some we unknowingly mistake for love. If this man is really in love with you, he won’t attempt to rape you. a man in love with a woman, no matter how strong his desires for that woman is, will never attempt to rape her. The fact that he even conceived and attempted it should alert you to his nature as well as the kind of feelings he has for you. Rape is disrespect for a woman’s feelings and rights The fact that he is offering to accept any pregnancy that results from him making love to you isn’t an assurance of how he feels about you. It is what is expected of a man that sleeps with a woman. A responsible man should be ready to accept whatever results from the act. So don’t count it has a virtue in his favor; it is his duty to accept. Herein lies the danger of a relationship with this kind of man who may just be out to sample you as a woman; include your name in the statistics of the many women he has conquered. The truth is that you are finding an excuse to end your relationship with your boyfriend because of the flaws you have noticed in his disposition to life. It isn’t such a bad thing for a man to be too nice but you are counting it as a fault because you want more excitement and fun. This is the point you get to ask yourself very honest questions. What do you want from life? Are all these negative sentiments due to the attention the other man is showering on you or that you are beginning to want more from life and think your boyfriend is boring and lacking in ambition? The wise thing to do at this important point is to sit him down for a discussion. He must know what you think of his person as well as his lack of developmental drive. The fact that he is still stays with his parents is enough reason for you to engage him in this talk. You are right to want more but you must be sure you are not giving up something precious for a mirage which at the end of the day will leave you absolutely devastated. Even if at the end of the day, you still decide to end the relationship, be very transparent about it. Let your motive for leaving him not be in doubt to anybody who hears the story. Whatever his reasons for still being with his parents at his age, must be challenged by you on the premise that it presents him as a man not in control of his life. That alone gives you a good reason to make it clear to him that if he doesn’t do something fast about the situation; having finished school, you maybe forced to end the relationship. The idea of losing you would force him to critique his situation, person and come up with something that will at the end of the day make both of you happy. No two people have the same kind of ambitions or dreams. That you are very smart, ambitious and intelligent doesn’t mean he must be all these. If you are patient enough, you will discover that beneath all the faults you think he has, there could be indelible qualities you need to come to full bloom. Every woman needs a nice and understanding man to utilize her God given gifts. The fact that he has allowed you to pursue your agenda of not compromising your body until your wedding night shows a man that is very caring. Forget what many men say in the presence of their pastors, a lot of them lack the kind of patience you described in this man to wait. The example of your bestfriend who has tried to rape you should tell you one or two positive things about the nature of your boyfriend. Don’t lose sight of this important aspect of him simply because you crave for excitement. The thing with this kind of feeling is that the woman at the end of it all becomes the victim of her own inability to properly situate her feelings. The scintillating light of today; may become your nightmare of tomorrow. Therefore, exercise patience; do this right before thinking of ending it all. There is no relationship that is perfect; even the one you think is exciting and making you consider ending your current relationship may at the end of the day be more disappointing for you. This is why you must give your boyfriend a fair hearing on all the things you think he isn’t doing right. You cannot condemn him for an offence he knows nothing about, can you? There is nothing a well thought out dialogue cannot resolve. The worst is both of you going your different ways but you must give this relationship your best as long as you are still in it. Tell your best friend to give you sometime to sort some personal things out. if he is for you, he will wait but, if he isn’t, there is nothing you can do about it. His presence is distracting you from concentrating on your existing relationship. Good luck.