He is a nuisance to the family

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Thanks for the wonderful works you are doing. God will reward you immensely. My problem has to do with my girlfriend’s elder brother who has been a thorn in the flesh of their family. He intimidates, maltreats and beats up anyone who challenges his excesses. He even insults the parents at the slightest provocation. He has no regard for anybody no matter who the person is. Though not the eldest, but he holds the family to hostage because the eldest brother is very quiet. My girl is worried. Their parents are already suffering silently. Honestly, it is driving me nuts but my hands are tied since I am not yet married to the girl. Please I need mature advice on how to handle this issue before I cross the line. Mr. John Dear Mr. John, Your business in that family is with your girlfriend and not with the brother or how a brother of hers conducts himself. That is purely their family issue which in many ways doesn’t concern you. The boy has been like that before you came into the girl’s life. The family nurtured him into the monster that he has become. There is no way you can divorce his parents from all the kinds of behavior he is putting up or the family from the monster that he has become. Often than not, the refusal of parents to address and deal with certain kinds of behavior in a child breed this kind of attitude. Usually it begins from over indulgence to outright show of favoritism of a particular child. This explains why the entire family structure is lame in dealing with what you term his excesses. His behavior didn’t start today; the indulgence to let him be or that he will outgrow it started from his nascent years. The family since he was a child has condoned his nature, kept encouraging him to be rude and rebel against those who dare to correct him. At times too, the indifference of a family to a particular child could instigate this kind of behavior. Either way the fault begins with the wrong training and attitudes the child is exposed to early in life. Sincerely, you will be taking on the same system that scripted him to who he is now if you fight him. Initially, your girlfriend and her family may salute your courage to confront the dilemma but at the end of the day, some members of the family will ask among themselves what your business in the whole matter really is. To avoid unnecessary confrontation with members of your girlfriend’s family, all you can do is to try to reason with him; that is if you have the kind of temperament to handle his kind of person. For you to do a successful job of addressing the issue you must be someone who has a mild temper because violence cannot be used in addressing violence. What he needs is a firm person to put him right. With the way you have spoken on the matter, you obviously don’t have the kind of patience to find out from him what the real problems are. If you must get involved, ask your girlfriend the genesis of her brother’s problems. Without you having a clear cut idea of how everything happened, you cannot just jump into it half way. The information you garner from your girlfriend will put you in the right picture of things. Knowledge is important in crisis resolution everywhere in the world. You cannot confront the boy alone without also finding out the contributions of his parents and siblings to the situation at hand. If you want a holistic approach to it, sit down with the parents to find out how you can be of help to them concerning the resolution of the crisis in their home. They must be convinced that your concern is real and aimed at helping them come to terms with the challenge of their lives. In addition your girlfriend’s brother also has to be persuaded that you are not condemning of him but a friend who understand the workings of his mind. Even if you don’t, your approach should give him certain assurances that he can trust you to a certain extent; enough to make him want to take you into his confidence. Just be the friend he needs at all times. It is the best way to handle people like him. To fight him would weaken your position and your intentions to be of assistance to your girlfriend and family. In addition, entrust him into the hands of God; it is important. There is nothing a good intentioned prayer cannot achieve. Good luck.