My daughter and I are pregnant for the same man

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am in my early 50s. I am divorced; have been for more than a decade. I live on my own with my three children. About a year ago, I went into a relationship with a man four years younger than I am. Being married, we meet in my place. As a matter of fact he has the key to my flat. It was better than going to hotels. Besides, my daughters were grown up to appreciate that I need a man in my life. Well I thought I could trust him so I gave him permission to come to my house whenever he likes whether I am in or not. I also assumed my daughters were responsible enough to see him as their father. Unfortunately, I miscalculated. Unknown to me while he was having affairs with me, he was also sleeping with my two older daughters. I didn’t know what was happening until I took my eldest daughter to the hospital following her persistent complains of malaria. I also haven’t been feeling well; so decided to visit the hospital with my daughter. When the results came out, we were both pronounced pregnant. I was shocked because I didn’t expect to be at my age since I have been having irregular periods in the last two years. At 28, my daughter has never been pregnant. I was happy for her thinking it was the man I knew her with was responsible. Then, it didn’t even occur to me that he has been out of Lagos for three months. It wasn’t until we got home that the real problem started. We met my boyfriend at home. While I was still thinking of how to break my news to him, a text message came to his phone. After reading the text, he became very agitated so much so he lost concentration. I was so concerned, I forget what I was about to say and snatched the phone from him to know what got him so upset. The way he responded to my taking the phone got me very suspicious; I quickly transferred the message to my phone before handing it over to him. I did the transfer while he was struggling to take the phone away from me so, he wasn’t aware of what I did. I almost fainted when I read the text and discovered it was my daughter telling him that we were both pregnant for him and that he should tell me to abort the baby since she was going to keep hers. She told him if he tried to play smart with her, the whole world would know that he has been sleeping her mother, sister and herself. The worst thing now is that he is nowhere to be found. I have tried getting him on his phone numbers but none is going through. The friend I know him with says, he doesn’t know his whereabout and has bluntly refused to take me to his house. My second daughter has left home for an unknown destination following the revelation by her sister that she too has been sleeping with him. I am very confused as my daughter and I are stuck with out situation. How do I explain to the world that my daughter and I are pregnant for this same man and that he is no where to be seen? What do you suggest we do? Although my daughter is still adamant about aborting her pregnancy; I am scared about aborting mine given my age. Rita. Dear Rita, This is an untidiness you could have avoided by keeping your home off limit to your boyfriend. It was an error on your part to encourage and give him a blank cheque to your home whenever likes. With grown up girls in the house, you took too much for granted of a man who isn’t the father of your children and who you have known for such a short time. No matter how you tell this story, you will be blamed at the end of it all. The essence of hotels is for situations like yours. Nobody would condemn you for being single or having the urge to have sex but, everybody would blame you for the situation in your home. What kind of story will you be telling the world that you and your daughters all slept with the same man? And that you and one of your daughters are pregnant for the same man? At 50 plus, you should have been more circumvent in your actions and conduct. Your love life should have been veiled in top secret. One gets to an age when discretion becomes the operative word especially in a situation like yours. What men can get away with, women cannot. A single man can bring in female friends into his house without fear of repercussion or molestation of his children but not so with a single matured woman with children. She has to be careful at all times to prevent the consequences of her decision rubbing off on her children. Now, you have given your husband every reason to ridicule you and rake up all the nasty things that led to your divorce from him. There is no way those who once gave you their sympathy, will want to identify with this mess you have made of your life as well as those of your children. Frankly, it is rather too late in the day to worry about where this man stays or works. At your age, shouldn’t that have been your first concern; to have vital information about him? What if it the story has been him dying in your house, what would you have done? Who would you have contacted among his friends and family members? How would you have explained to the Police? While your daughters can be excused for being ignorant of the implications of having a complete stranger share your bed, what about you? The recent incident also calls to question the kind of examples and training you gave to your daughters. The fact that your elder daughter isn’t showing remorse at what she had done; underscores a certain concern about the health of your relationship with your daughters. The fact that they both knew the other was sleeping with the same the same man means something is very wrong in your home. You must have taken certain steps in the past that did go down well with your children. If they both didn’t know that they were sleeping with the same man, it would have been a different story but knowing that they are sleeping with the same man their mother is involved with, points to a deeper problem for you. While it isn’t in my place to tell you what to do with your pregnancies; as a mother, you must find your runaway daughter in addition to sitting your children down for a frank discussion. Chances are your elder daughter knows where her younger sister is. They must have colluded to hurt you for something you did to them. Therefore, the woman in you must be dead to jealousy and anger. To give in to these emotions is to destroy whatever is left of your family. Ask them what you have done to make them angry with you. This isn’t time for you to patronize them either. It is that time to mend fences. The hurt and determination to cause you embarrassment maybe the reason your daughter is insisting on keeping the pregnancy; the explanation for sleeping with your man friend. Their hurt is making your daughter blind to repercussions of the road she is so determined to take. Use whatever respect you have left as their mother to help bring her back. Forget your sense of betrayal and help your young and confused daughters come back to the right track. There is nothing a willing heart of forgiveness cannot achieve. Once you are able to clear the cloud of pains in your hearts, chances are you will all be able to iron this thing out positively. As for the man, he simply took the opportunity you unwittingly offered him. If you didn’t open your door to him, he wouldn’t have been able to inflict these pains on you and your home. Even if you find him, what do you want him to do? Accept your pregnancy and your daughter’s? Is the shame of being pregnant for the same man with your daughter not enough? The less people know, the better, else the story of the kind of shame you have brought to yourself and daughters will get to your ex and his family. Certain things are best left unsaid. Allow him to go while you mob up the mess you have brought on yourself with the dignity of a woman who knows she has made a mistake and is out to make things right. If you don’t mind, see me in our corporate office, Independent Newspapers, 7D Wempco Road, Ogba Lagos. We have one or two things to discuss as women and mothers. Good luck.