I caught my husband’s mistress on our matrimonial bed

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, My marriage is less than two years old. It has been very difficult but since I made the choice to marry my husband, I have kept struggling to keep my home. I really don’t want to describe my husband as a lousy and very deceptive man but I discovered this few months after we got married. I dare not go back to my parents because my mother, from the very beginning, didn’t want me to marry him, so will not even listen to me let alone sympathise with me. To complicate things, his family members too don’t like me. Once he beat me up in the presence of his mother and all she did was look on. Her excuse was being too weak to separate us when the pastor came to settle the rift between my husband and I. I have kept pretending to my siblings that all is well with my marriage. My younger sister who is very close to me is the only one privy to what is going on in my home. She is helping me keep my secret because I asked her to. But the recent development is beyond me. I came back from spending a week with my family to discover another woman in my bed. He wasn’t expecting me on the day I came. For reasons I cannot explain, when he called the morning of that day I decided to come home to ask when our daughter and I would be coming back, I told him it won’t be until two days from the day he was calling. However, while I was sleeping that afternoon, I heard this voice that instructed me to return home that day. I had to wait until my mother came back before moving. We got home at about 9 p.m. to the scene of his girlfriend reading on my bed wearing one of his boxers.’ The lady said she isn’t aware of his marital status because he gave the impression that he is single and that he shares our flat with his sister. Can you imagine that he passed me and the baby off as his sister and niece? After apologising for the situation, she packed her things and left but not without heaping curses on my husband for what he did to both of us. Now he is begging for forgiveness and has practically sent the entire Lagos to beg me but the truth of the matter is how can I ever forget the image of another woman on the bed we both share? How can I let go of the knowledge that this man is capable of denying me and his daughter? I don’t know which hurts the most; referring to me as his sister or the woman he brought to my matrimonial home. To be honest, he disgusts me. To think I once loved him beats my imagination. Don’t know how I can handle this. Faramomi. Dear Faramomi, What is love? Is it not a tangle of the intricate and fragile? There is no good love story without scars, sacrifices, pains and frustration. The dance of love isn’t the rose-coloured honey laced images, we see or hear; far from it. The colours are drab and ugly. Only situations like you are going through really bring out the shine and brilliance of it. That is when its true strength and character come to the fore. Yes, your husband is cruel, wicked, insensitive, lacking in respect and honour but the question here is, do you still love him? The truth is, if you didn’t, you would have long left his life. That you took out time to compose and send this email to me shows that underneath all your pains and betrayals is a patient goldsmith willing to endure the extra heat to the most refined gold. Every married woman is a goldsmith. You cannot just walk away from your marriage on account of the challenges you are experiencing. At least, you got to meet your rival; some women don’t get to meet the other women until the products of such unions come of age and are battle ready to claim rights they have been brainwashed by their mothers to believing was denied them by the woman at home. Some women even get to know about their husbands’ other families at his death when the children and their mothers begin to come from different directions. At least, you now know of the possibility of him having a child outside his home so be prepared for the worst. It is the best way to overcome disappointment in life. Because life itself has no guarantees, you must find it in your heart to forgive him and let go of the memories of his betrayal else you risk making a very fundamental mistake. The reason for this is simple; no marriage or relationship is without a price to pay. From what you said, I guess you are a young woman. There is no way you can stay off sex if you leave him now. No matter the grudge you feel against men on account of your husband’s behaviour, a time would come when you would crave for the comforting arms of a man around you. Chances are the men that will be available will be married men. This means you will invariably also be guilty of the same accusation for which you ended your marriage. And if you decide to date only single men, the ones you will come across will not only be younger than you but out to milk you of your money and respect. In addition, you may want to marry again. What assurances do you have that the next man won’t be worse than your present husband? One thing I have come to learn about life is that only the faces of the actors change; their lines and delivery never change. Life is a funny mix. What makes you guiltless today may condemn you tomorrow. Today, it is the turn of your husband to be accused of recklessness, if you fail to apply wisdom to this complex case; you risk denunciation some years down the road. Ask those whose marriages are today being celebrated for the real stories behind their marriages. You will be surprised at the amount of sacrifices it took the women to make their marriages work. The stories won’t be different from what you are going through. Your experiences are what real marriages are made of; not the kind of romantic stories we read in romance novels. What you should appeal for now is sometime away to enable you put things in proper perspective. If you can afford it, apply for your annual leave to enable you distill your thoughts properly. Despite all I have said, you need to heal first. It is the only way to give your best once again to your dream of being together with this man. Look at your reasons for marrying him against the support of your family. Something very powerful must have influenced your decision to ignore your family’s position; you really need to dig that thing up for this marriage to move beyond this point that your differences have stationed it. Once you are able to remember your basic reason for agreeing to go with this man; it will be easier for you to forgive and forget the hurt you have suffered at his hands. Good memories are good balms for every sharp emotional pain. Such memories will dilute the anguish of your present experience. Besides, this is the time for you to negotiate your terms of staying together; ensure his friends and family are part of this agreement. Above all, learn to pray more. God is always able to do all things. Good luck.