Help! Married, but pregnant for a married man

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am 30 years of age and married with four children but have never enjoyed sex with my husband. Before we got married, I told him about it; he was unhappy and angry with me but when I realised I was pregnant, we decided to get married. But recently, I have been seeing another man who is very good in bed; he satisfies me and he is the perfect size for me. I am deeply in love with him. He is equally married and claims to be in love with me but I am not really sure. I am four months pregnant for this man and have tried to have an abortion but all the four doctors I consulted are of the opinion that it is risky for me to do it. They say I might lose my life in the process. The man wants the baby but each time we are together, he is always on the phone with other ladies. But my feelings for him remain the same. I love him dearly but I don’t want to leave my husband who is also very much in love with me. But I am cheating on him. What am I supposed to do? Confused Wife. Dear Confused Wife, You are wicked. What manner of woman, wife and mother are you? Do you understand the meaning of love or what a marriage entails? Love isn’t selfish and self-centered. Love isn’t sex only. It takes much more to be happy in a marriage. Why did you agree to marry him in the first place when you knew from the beginning he wasn’t good enough for you in bed? Being pregnant wasn’t enough reason for you to marry him when you already knew that he will never be able to measure up to your requirement in the bedroom; knew that sex mattered to you than anything in life. It would have been better and more honourable for you to end up a single mother than the disgrace, pains, embarrassment and betrayal that you are about to visit on this man; whose only offence is to have married you. What is your definition of pleasure? You went into your marriage with your eyes wide opened; had the experience of his ‘size’, knew the limits he could go and what measure you could give. A responsible woman would have since learnt the act of helping her husband improve on his performance. Sexual satisfaction is relative. Some come from the actual act while a major part of it comes from one’s understanding of the whole essence of lovemaking. Only an infant concentrates understanding on the actual act of sex. A more matured woman knows that there is a lot of satisfaction and pleasure from the lips and fingers. What he lacked in size you would have steered him to make up for in other ways. The fact that you didn’t know how to step in to help his shortfall and aid your marriage recover from whatever problems you have polluted it with, underscores your selfishness as a woman and your lack of understanding of your role as a wife. If you have had four children for a man you claim isn’t satisfying you in bed, how many children will you have had for him if he were satisfying you? Isn’t there more to marriage than sex? What kind of story will you tell your children when this whole thing becomes public knowledge? If your daughter comes to you with this kind of messy story, what will you tell her? Even if you must have an affair, why didn’t you use protection? You cannot be said to be ignorant of the consequences of a man and woman sleeping together without protection. So why did you allow this man into your body without any form of protection? This tells the story of a total lack of respect for the man you have four children for as well as a total disinterest in your marriage. No matter how good the other man is in bed, you forgot you owe your image and children some measure of decency. It is quite unfortunate. Why didn’t you tell your husband if the issue bothered you so much? Between you both, you would have been able to work out something that will help you both come to a perfect understanding of your persons. In all honesty, there is no easy way out of this mess. You cannot pass this pregnancy off as your husband’s. Even if you plan to, the other man is already aware of being the father of your unborn child. He has a right to come and demand for his child anytime he deems it fit especially as he has expressed a desire for you to have the baby. What a man can get away with in marriage, a woman cannot. While this man can afford to bring a child from another woman into his home, you cannot do it. It is unheard of. Besides, you are a married woman; how can you be pregnant for another man? What kind of example are you setting for your children? Why will this so called boyfriend of yours respect you, when you don’t value yourself? What were you expecting; that he will honour you and cherish you for having an affair with him outside your home? That he will marry you or what? No man wants a woman he cannot trust. The fact that you are in another man’s house, a mother of four and having an affair with him, is enough for him to form a terrible opinion about you. Even if you become single today, you are not the kind of woman this man will feel comfortable to marry because you are just as capable of being unfaithful to him as you are with your current husband. Every man wants a certain measure of security with the woman in his life. Besides, there is no vacancy in his life for a woman like you. He is married and only enjoying what you have offered him. For all he cares, you are cheap hence can call several women in your presence. Men shield only women they treasure from the knowledge of their affairs with other women but cannot be bothered with women they have little or no regard for. In the opinion of the man, you are no better than the women he is constantly on the phone with. If you, a married woman, can have an affair with him and get pregnant for him, why should he pretend you are the only fling he is having? You stepped out of your home into his arms because you of what you think he has. The truth is when he is tired of you, he will walk you out of his bed. As for the pregnancy, you should have thoroughly thought about all your options when you decided to have this affair and, do it without any form of protection. Pregnancy isn’t something you can hide. You have to decide what you want to do urgently. But don’t be tempted to pass off this child as your husband’s. You may get away with it for the time being, but God has a way of exposing such acts. You have made one major mistake; don’t make another by following what you think is the easy way out. Consider the other children whose paternity you will be calling to question if your husband later finds out about this child. He may not be reasonable enough to conduct DNA tests on these other children before rejecting you and them. And even if he does agree to have the tests done on them, what about the children you will be subjecting to these embarrassing tests? Do you think you will ever be able to recover whatever little respect they have for you when they find out who you really are and how your insatiable quest for sex is denying them of respect and acceptance in some quarters? Do you know what harm you will be doing to your daughters should this matter explode on your face? While I have never supported divorce or separation on this page, I make bold to suggest you bow out of this marriage before you destroy your husband more than you have already done. He doesn’t deserve a woman like you. You will only be destroying him further and for another woman if you stay longer than necessary in this marriage. Since you are pregnant and unable to abort the child, coupled with the fact that this other man is asking you to keep it, use the little honour you have left to quit on your own. If your husband, at the end of the day, tells you to stay, that he will be able to live with the knowledge, at least let it be his decision; not yours to make. We are not equally gifted with the grace to forgive; what one man can tolerate, another one won’t. Just hope you have learnt from your mistake. Good luck.