Let’s talk about sex

Dear Readers,

Wednesday, 24^th of this month is my birthday. In line with the promise I made two years ago, we are going into clinic today. We shall be discussing the irritating issue of sex in marriage. Over these last months I have received several letters on the place of sex in marriage as well as the havoc lack of sincerity on the part of couples who refuse to acknowledge the proper placement of sex is bringing to their marriages. 

Couples, especially men are under the impression that it is wrong for a woman to demand for sex from their spouses and actually go ahead to enjoy it. Men are usually of the opinion that any woman who displays vast knowledge on the issue of lovemaking lived a wayward life before meeting him.

Women who ordinarily would have wanted something different from their marriages are cowed into pretending to be happy with the quality of sex they get from their husbands while secretly wishing for something more.

The result is that many married women out of sexual frustration are being forced by the limitations placed on them by both their husbands and society to be having secret affairs outside their home to achieve their dreams and fantasy of a fulfilled sexual life.

This is because they don’t want their men branding them as being morally bankrupt. While some die in silent frustration, become increasingly disillusioned and actually act out their frustration on the man and everyone near them, a sizeable number of women are increasing seeking solace outside their homes. The best of their act which ideally should be given to their husbands are given to the men outside. Since the woman has no desire to protect any image with her lover, she drops every pretence and goes ahead to show the man she is with how vast she is in the game.

Unfortunate but it explains why so many marriages are having issues, challenges which should have been avoided in the first place. 

For couples to enjoy the benefit of a full marriage, the issue of sex must be discussed with as much openness as possible. Sex is integral to the success of a marriage hence couples should not pretend it doesn’t matter. It is more important an issue than the number of children a couple plans to have, more crucial than the issue of where to stay and the vision of the union. Frankly, without good sex, the couple might as well be planning on and planting on infertile land. 

Granted that from the ancient past, there are two rules guiding sex, the one that has to do with unmarried people and what should obtain after marriage, the fact remains that when one gets married, every anti sex lecture should be buried if the marriage is to work.

There is no law which prevents a woman from making the first move or telling her husband how she wants to be pleased in the bedroom. Every act of sex should be a special adventure between couples, an opportunity for both of them to take a memory trip down to fantasy Island. This is because, marriage is a lifetime trip and for it to retain its excitement, sex must be used as a weapon of stability and recreation at all times. It is the only thing that brings so much chemical reaction between a couple and patents the marriage as an exclusive preserve. It gives the man the right over the woman and the woman right over the man.

From the letters I get, I sense confusion in the minds of most women over the issue of sex. To be fair to them, this perplexity is valid especially for those whose upbringing paint a very dirty and horrifying picture of sex. For instance, there is this case I treated some few years ago. It had to do with a woman whose upbringing detailed sex as a tool only for procreation. Her husband couldn’t understand why she was being very uncooperative and lacking in understanding of his feelings. The wife maintained her stance stressing sex is dirty and not something decent people should engage in frequently. To her, it was only to be done when a couple desires to have babies. Inspite of her husband’s complains to her family and friends, nothing changed.  

At the end of the day, her husband impregnated another woman who today has taken over her home. By the time she came to me for help, it was too late to manage the issue for her. Even till now, she still finds it difficult to see sex as a something natural between couples. 

There is no doubting the fact that sex plays an integral role in the success or otherwise of any marriage. It is the cement that binds marriage, gives it character and oils the wheels of entertainment of the marriage.

Someone once described sex as the recreational aspect of marriage. It is what adds fun and value to marriage. However, for it to add value, a couple must be willing to trust each other, encourage freedom within the marriage because that is what would translate into premium sex between them. 

Sex establishes friendship and friendship energizes quality sex between a couple. 

No marriage is too old to benefit from the thrills of marriage. It is one of the aspects of marriage that lasts forever. 

For a new couple, one of the rules to a successful marriage is to adopt a sincere approach to sex. Whatever ideas couples come with from their homes and their lives as individuals into marriage, it is pertinent, for couples to do away with such ideas with a view of finding their own rhythm as well as understanding of each other’s thirst as well as sexual desires. 

Couples should adopt a very opened approach to the issue of sex as well as work out a method of communication when things are not working out well. Often than not, in the hassles of trying to earn a living, keeping home and paying bills, sex suffers. Either the man is too tired to do anything but eat or the woman too is exhausted from combining home work with official duties. Most times, sex becomes more of a function than an act of expressing love and celebration of the institution of marriage.

But when a couple has been able to break down every barrier between them, even on those days they cannot really get the act going, they are still able to bond and achieve fullness of the union through sexual communication act. 

It is really a simple matter of knowing what to say, the right looks, cuddle, smile and those special things that tell your partner though I am too tired to go through the act, but you are uppermost in my mind. It is called the love innuendoes.

These are those things that transform sex to lovemaking. This is why one couple can stay without having sex for a week and still feel very close and satisfied while another would be up in tension. 

Granted premarital sex, is one thing every young woman especially should avoid but the fact remains that sex is one of the best gifts God gave to married couples. Between married couples, only the best is good enough to sustain the union. To achieve this, like every other endeavor in life, couples should at all times strive to upgrade their knowledge, technique and applications of all that is involved to get the best of the gift. 

This is imperative if the marriage institution is to survive the threat of the other woman and man. To allow sex remain dormant is to court trouble. Every couple must in the interest of their marriage at all times pull it along to whatever level they are. It must grow, mature and enduring as the couples themselves. It must be spiced with different spices at all times to keep it attractive for the couple.

It isn’t just the act but everything that brings on the act. Therefore a lot imagination and help is requires especially by the woman to ensure her man doesn’t stray. 

Sex must be worn different garments and perfumes; given different platforms apart from the bedroom to keep it active. Any woman desirous of keeping her man should think of what would make the difference between what he gets at home and what he gets outside. Like food, everywoman must be able to brew her own special brew in the bedroom. 

If need be, everywoman should woo her husband with gifts to her bed. Her bed should be her love-nest, the kind no other woman can match let alone come in to steal away her man. In marriage, sex should be celebrated and not hidden in cupboards because whether we like it or not, we are products of other people’s sex life. 

Good luck.