She’s too loose to be trusted

Dear Agatha, 

I admire how you solve peoples’ problems. I’m a 22-year-old boy in love with a 20-year-old girl.

It all started when she was in SS3. I sometimes assist her financially. She is always the one asking me to take her out and seems to know all the waiters in these places. She is forever telling me the various places these waiters have worked before their current employment.

I discover she is the outgoing type. There is one day I took her out, she complained of my going to the waiter many times that I am embarrassing the waiter.  

There is this night I saw her with about three boys in a dark place. One of them took her to one restaurant nearby.

I called her that night to ask her where she was. She told me she was with a friend. I dropped the call and deleted her number from my phone.  She called me two days later to know how I am doing. Do you think she is worth of my love? I love her so much.

Concerned Boyfriend.

Dear Confused Boyfriend, 

Relationship is about trust. The fact that you saw her talking with boys and ending up in a restaurant doesn’t mean she is involved with him. They could just be friends. Just as you have some girls as friends so also she will have some boys as friends.  When you called her, she didn’t lie about where she was. If she had something to hide, she could easily have told you she was at home or at another place. Whether you like the sound of it or not, the person she was with happens to be a friend and not an enemy. One doesn’t eat out with an enemy. So deleting her number from your phone on account of the description of the person she was with as a friend is uncalled for.

Obviously, both of you need a lot of growing up to do. No relationship survives on suspicions and unreasonable bursts of emotions. Even if you think the other person is more than a friend, good judgement demands you give her the benefit of doubt to properly explain herself before jumping to conclusions. Be careful you don’t allow your doubts to overshadow you. It highlights the presence of lack of confidence in your ability as a man to hold your own with a woman. 

When next this happens don’t react immediately call her afterwards for discussions. It is always best to dialogue in a relationship than to allow yourself fall into the trap of unsubstantiated allegations, which more often than not end something that has the prospect of positive growth. How did you feel when she called you afterwards to ask after your well being? 

Even, if there was a real issue with her conduct, deleting her number from your phone isn’t a panacea to it. At every point, always endeavour to embrace dialogue in your relationship. It is the only way to protect a relationship from unwarranted misunderstandings.

One thing you should not ignore is the fact that she is at the age in a woman’s life when men would never leave her alone. Whether you like it or not, the same qualities you find in her is what would also attract other men to her. You simply have to learn to trust her good judgement and moral values. 

On the issue of whether she loves you or not, you simply have to give both of you time to grow it. You both have to learn to be good and trusting friends first. Once you are able to overcome this hurdle, finding love would be very easy and achievable. But for now, don’t rush yourselves into something you both don’t have an idea of how it works to prevent crippling emotional aches capable of derailing your dreams.

For you to cope with her, you must first devote time as a friend to understand who she is and what makes her happy and what her dreams are for herself as well as both of you. It is only when you understand what each of you are made of that you can have a profitable relationship.

Good luck.