Hard picking my dream man among them…

Dear Agatha, 

I have two boyfriends but I don’t love any of them. Now a married man that I don’t know what is wrong with his marriage is asking me out. What do I do?

Tina

Dear Tina, 

Ordinarily, I should ignore this letter because it signposts you as an unserious minded young lady. But on the second thoughts, I realised you really need some help.

Going out with two boys at the same time won’t help you focus on your life, and will deny you a direction of what you should do at every moment of it. Any woman, young and old, serious minded lady concerned about her image and who wants to make something positive out of life engages in multiple relationship. Once news gets around that you are the kind of girl that is into multiple relationships, only men who are out for fun would come your way. And those looking for wife materials would stay away because when it comes to the issue of marriage, the same men who came to you for fun would prefer a woman with untainted reputation.

Rather than risk having negative reputation, be bold enough to tell a man you feel nothing for that you are not interested. Have you thought of the possibility of these two men meeting at your place or even knowing each other? At the end of the day, would the negative publicity of your affairs with two men be worth whatever it is you are getting from them especially as you claim not to even love them?

There is also the issue of love you raised. What do you understand by love? This is what you should find out first. There is a whole world of difference between friendship and love. You can have these two boys in your life as friends nothing more. Your relationship with them should be healthy, devoid of any illusion of having something special between you and any of them. In such a relationship, you don’t have anything to defend or commitment beyond your friendship.

From the onset, the terms of association would be clearly understood from the beginning. We are friends and not having a relationship that has an undercurrent of romance. 

This way, you get to escape if the line of friendship is becoming unbearable without feeling bad or risking an unnecessary reputation that comes from soured relationship. 

To help you focus properly on your dreams as well as the future, avoid giving a vow you don’t have any intentions of honouring. 

The first thing to do is to spell out your feelings to these boys. Tell them you agreed to a relationship with them in error. That you don’t feel anything but friendship for them and since you won’t want to hurt them, and would appreciate being left alone for you to really make up your mind on what you want from life first. 

This way, you save yourself from the headache of going into fruitless relationship.  Just learn to be sincere with yourself at all times. Once you do that you won’t find yourself in a situation you don’t want at all. As for the married man, don’t get involved. Whatever challenge he is going through in his marriage isn’t any business of yours. Issues in marriages are meant to be tackled; such challenges are meant to give character to a marriage and help it have focus. Tell him you are not a solution to his marital problems and that he should go and resolve whatever the problems are with his wife. And that because you wish to live happily with a man one day, you shouldn’t be a party to another woman’s problem.

Good luck.