Coping Alone While I’m Abroad Sickens Her

Dear Agatha, 

I have gained so much from reading your solutions to other people’s problems. However one thing keeps tugging at my mind that has to do with the way things are turning out in Nigeria. It is worrisome but there is nothing I, as individual, can do about changing the course of things in Nigeria.

As a result of the situation in Nigeria, I have developed the strong desire to travel abroad to acquire more knowledge on my profession and seek a greener pasture. But where the problem lies now is on my beloved girl friend. She doesn’t want me to leave her behind while I travel out of the country. The truth is that I have to go because I need to improve on my life.  

I don’t know how to convince her that I intend marrying her once I come back to Nigeria. Her real fear isn’t the possibility of me falling in love with another woman while there but how she will cope without me. Agatha, what can I tell her that will give her the assurances she needs?

Chukwudi.

Dear Chukwudi, 

It is a simple matter of both of you trusting each other as well as developing the self discipline to cope with the loneliness of living apart for awhile. It is also a question of you taking out time to discover who your woman really is, the substance she is made of as well as the strength of her ability. This has nothing to do with character, but her peculiarities as a person. Just like everything in life, we all come with our strong and weak points. There is no way you would be able to convince her on your need to go if you lack the real knowledge of what you are up against in her person. This is the moment of truth, re-evaluation of your knowledge of her and the re-establishment of your relationship in conformity with your current challenge in your relationship.  

For her as a woman, her fear is multiplied because unlike you, she may not be able to play the field as freely as you would do as the man. You, your family and friends expect a certain form of decorum from her and being the one who would remain in familiar environment, she would feel your absence the more. She will lack the ability to have even a platonic relationship without fear of being called names. 

And if she is used to having sex with you, not having you by her side when she feels the sexual urge could be very traumatic for her emotionally. The lack of your warmth could actually push her to seek comfort somewhere else especially if she is the kind of woman who cannot cope without a man by her side. Since she trusts you enough to know that she is secured in your love for her, her fear is her own ability to keep herself for you. You must understand what she is not saying and seek ways of helping her cope with your absence. Whatever the society may say, some women simply cannot cope without having sex or having a man by their side. It has nothing to do with being promiscuous but the way they are built and how they have trained their bodies. This is a fact that must be appreciated by you before you leave her alone. Her protest is a salient plea to you not to allow her make a mistake she might later regret. If you love her, you must listen more to the lot she is not saying and not her discomfort at letting you go.

It is not just enough telling her you are traveling. You must, as a matter of urgency, fill her in on all the details. For instance you must let her know how long you intend to stay over there. For a woman like this, only a specific timetable would help her adjust. If you have no plans of coming back soon, be bold enough to tell her. Don’t lie to her simply because you want to get away. For her to cope, she has to prepare herself psychologically, emotionally and spiritually to first cope on her own and to control her sexual emotions.  Before you go, encourage her to take charge of certain things you hitherto helped her with and also teach her to learn to control her sexual urges by not obliging yourself as well as frequently as you used to. 

It is better for both of you if the withdrawal begins while you are still around. This way, the effect of a sudden withdrawal would not be so devastating for her to cope with. If both of you are able to manage your emotions, sort out any envisaged problems; honest about your feelings for each other this problem is resolvable. She has to understand your need for a secured and better life for both of you while you have to understand her real fears. Both of you must be ready to make the sacrifice needed at this point on time to get to the next stage of your relationship. 

Good luck.