ear Agatha,
I am a good reader of your column. To be sincere with you, you are doing a very nice job. May the good God bless you as well as give solutions to your own problems.
I am a 33-year-old lady born without the presence of a father to take good care of me. I don’t know how it all happened.
I would have asked my mother what transpired between her and my father but she isn’t too disposed to answering questions about her relationship with my father. From what I gathered, she took up the responsibilities to care for me by herself. Unfortunately, she couldn’t afford to send me to school. She ignored the fact that I needed to have good education in life. Left with no choice, I had to go and stay with her sister at a tender age all because I desired to have a good education. I was brought to Lagos by this woman who cared so much for me, but something happened and she changed dramatically towards me. I still don’t know what changed her to become so dramatically hostile to me. It got so bad she asked me to leave her house.
Left with no choice, I went home to see my mother to demand for explanation to all that is happening to me. It was while at home she told me that someone in the church told her, a curse was placed on me. The voodoo is to make people hate me so much that I would be forced to return to the village. I was told to fast, I did. According to them, only the presence of my father can break the curse, which is why I was told to fast for my mother to have a change of heart and take me to my father.
To worsen matters my stepfather passed on leaving responsibilities too much for my mother to handle. Much as I would have loved to help, it is so painful that I am limited by my problems. Through self-help I sat for the General Certificate Examination (GCE) last year but my result has not been released till date. Please tell me what to do?
The Bible says we should call upon God night and day for help. I know He is not in the habit of failing anyone who trusts in Him. Now there is this Indian man who wants me to come and work for him but he has placed some very difficult condition that I am uncomfortable with.
He wants me to come and live with him in his house as his mistress. I don’t want to do that but I have no choice but to accept the offer. I may not have money but I don’t want to exchange my body for money because to me this is fornication? Please tell me what to do before I go into this relationship. Sincerely speaking, I am not happy with the situation and wouldn’t want to offend God. My mother is refusing to introduce me to my father or his family. Till date, I don’t have any information concerning my father or his family, not even his name or that of his family.
I have suffered so much and would not want to compromise my situation with God. I am of the belief he would make a way for me. I am so confused.
Victoria.
Dear Victoria,
Let’s give the credit of this page to God because am not flawless. Your mother is the major architect of your problem. Why is she refusing to introduce you to your father or his family? Why is she allowing you go through this difficulty in life? Why did she stop your father from having access to you when she knows she is incapable of taking care of you or help you with information on how to better your life? What does she expect you to do in your current situation; sell your body to make ends meet?
It is your right to know who your father is. At 33, you are more than old enough to be told who you father is. To continue to keep silent about his identity is to call to question her knowledge of who your father really is. This is the point you must emphasis when demanding from her to see your father. She must understand the emotional and spiritual trauma of you growing up without knowing the man whose sperm fathered you. Make her understand that whatever the issue was between them should not be allowed to mar your identity especially as you risk marrying any of your father’s relations or even your father for that matter out of ignorance.
Let her also know that if she truly cares about you, she should be worried at the prophecy given in the church about the curse placed on you. If need be, go to her people or the leadership of the church to plead your case with her.
She has to be made to appreciate that you are no longer a child but a full grown woman who ought to by now have settled and raising a family of her own. They should tell her there is no way you can move forward in life without her help in mending the crack she created in your foundation. Let them assure her that you won’t be offended or deny her as a mother if she tells you the truth concerning her past. Chances are that her refusal to tell you has to do with fear of being rejected by you. Assure her that you understand that human beings are prone to mistakes, especially a young girl whose hormones are more than active or out of desperation for a better life, do certain things contrary to moral standards. Being a mother now, the fear of losing the respect you have for her by opening a chapter she considers closed for life. To get her to open up, you have to show a remarkable understanding and healthy respect for the decisions she took dating your father and for asking to keep you.
To totally condemn her for her conduct would be totally wrong, as you don’t have the experience of what motivated her decisions then. Besides, your condemnation may leave her a permanent prisoner of her conscience and guilt.
Honestly at this stage, you won’t achieve much by fighting her. Granted you have every reason to be angry, bitter but without you applying the much-needed wisdom, it might be impossible for you to break her 33-year of silence.
If she still refuses to tell you, there must be someone in her family who knows what happened in the past. Ask her siblings or relations. She must have someone who remembers her past, that can give you a clue into her past. The information may not be sufficient but it would be more than enough for you to go by.
There is also the need for you to learn from her mistakes. Already, you are about to make the same mistake your mother made by going to live with a man whose intentions and desires for your body is obvious to you. What if he decides to force himself on you since you live all alone with him in his house? Would you blame him for doing what he has expressly told you he wanted? Do you think he would accept any responsibility for any child that comes from both of you sleeping together?
To be candid with you, whether you like it or not, you are already in a relationship with him because it is only a matter of time before he gets what he wants from you as long as you live under his roof. No matter the hardship or confusion generated by your situation, accepting to live with him has compromised whatever moral standards you claim to have. In a way what you are facing should give you a little bit of understanding into the reasons for the choice your mother made back then even though it still doesn’t excuse her reasons for not telling you who your father is.
Sincerely, living in your boss’ house isn’t an option at all. Instead appeal to him to help you look for a job elsewhere to take the pressure off you. Also learn to be focused and determined to succeed in life. If it would help, there are countless of women and men who have walked along this part before and are today huge success because they made the choice to rise above their situation in life. Every situation we find ourselves in life is intended to teach us how to be strong and in control of our situation. At 33, you should have overcome this situation had you determined to.
Nobody can do it for you, not even your mother. Whatever the curse may be, it can be broken once you summon the will to help yourself. Are you saying if your mother had died before this revelation came up, you would have gone to her grave to give you the information about your father. Though it hurts not to know who you fully are, the fact remains that you have a father who is above all fathers, one who cannot change and always ready to help you anytime you ask for His assistance.
Begin your journey towards self-actualisation by going for deliverance. Pray and ask God for direction on how to go about it. You need Him to lead you to a pastor He has equipped to deliver you.
Honesty and complete trust in God are what you need to overcome your situation. As you have found out, even parents are capable of failing one. So give yourself up completely to God because that is where your ultimate help comes from.
Help yourself by checking on your own ways too because most times we are our very own enemies. If you haven’t done it already, don’t cheapen yourself by sleeping with this man. It isn’t worth it.
Good luck.
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