My Wife Has Strange Fantasies

Dear Agatha

I am a 32-year-old consultant in a private company; who was once a happy man and a delight to his spouse of four years. She is 34 and a banker in Lagos. 

Our problem started last year; April to be précise. On our way to Badagry beach, she tried to fondle my manhood while driving. I stopped her immediately due to the sensitive nature of my position. 

When we got to the beach, she refused to relate with me like before and instead rebuffed every move or advance I made towards her. I tried to make her understand the reasons behind my actions but she rejected it; not even when I told her it was to avoid an accident on the road. 

The matter seemed to have died when we got home and made love in our usual manner. But I got irritated when she requested for oral sex. I found it strange because in our four years of marriage, she has never made such a request. Personally, I find it very irritating.

Needless to say, that night ended in us quarrelling. Agatha, since then I have not known peace in my home as nothing I do excites her anymore. 

She has also taken to denying me sex; thereby endangering my love, sex life and most importantly my faithfulness to her. I have exhausted all avenues I know to revive this union but all my efforts so far have proved abortive. Besides, I feel shy to tell our pastor or our parents this incident. Please advise me because I am making moves to end this marriage. Though, I still love her seriously but this past nine months seem like eternity to me. 

Jide.

Dear Jide, 

Marriage is always a tough journey; one that can only succeed if the couple has the passion to make compromises. There are no perfect marriages but perfect determination to make it work at all cost.

From all that you have said, it is obvious you and your woman are ignorant of how to achieve the best in your love life. It is so clear you both lack the right kind of language to use in the bedroom. If she wants oral sex and you don’t want it, it shouldn’t cause any problem if you both have the right kind of attitude. 

If you are driving and she craves for the excitement of having you right there and then, what stopped you from parking in a quiet area of the road to express yourselves? Sex doesn’t have to be planned or done in an organised setting always. Marriage is all about excitement and spontaneity. Sex in marriage becomes dull and very unexciting when it has a familiar pattern and setting. To keep it alive and stop either party from looking beyond the bounds of marriage, couples must learn to interpret and express it differently.

Instead of brushing aside her hand when she indicated her desire for you at that point, a lot would have been achieved if you had told her as lovingly as possible that you are looking for a quiet place to park the car to avoid an accident. You should have allowed her hand to rest on you, slow down the speed of the car, to allow her that time she needs to feel you. After all, you were both going for a leisure ride so what was the hurry and who was watching? At any rate, you are married, with legitimate reasons to feel and do what you like. 

Even though it may appear unreasonable, especially as her actions could cause you to have an accident, your destination could have made her horny for you. You should have known how to receive her advances and not make her feel cheap by pushing away her longing. Though it may not have been intended by you, your gesture communicated irritation and rejection to her. 

And when you also failed to make love in that particular way she wanted that night it only served to confirm whatever opinion she may have come up with. That you had never made love in that manner doesn’t mean there is no trying it if only for the purpose of pleasing her. 

Both of you must rise above this self thing and embrace unified interest for the sake of your marriage. Throwing in the towel on account of this issue isn’t a solution because out there are women who also have ideas on how they want to be handled in bed. That she asked you to do it means it is something she had always craved for but bottled up for four years before allowing it to spill. One thing you should appreciate about her demand is the fact that she enjoyed that position in her past. At the point she demanded for it, is the peak of her resistance. She could no longer bear it. Rather than condemn her for expressing her preference, you should have obliged her by allowing her to teach you something new. At that point you should have been ready to compromise to appease her for that moment before explaining your aversion to it if there was any reason for it in the first place. By rejecting her proposition at that sensitive time, you unwittingly rejected her person and made mockery of her vulnerability. Many a time we discard wonderful suggestions based on our limited knowledge at the time and all because often time, we are too shy to ask for information. 

Ethics of marriage and good sex life in a marriage demand you should strive to please your spouse always, especially when it comes to sex to prevent the aggrieved party from seeking for emotional solace in the arms of an outsider. 

If you persistently refuse to oblige and take into consideration her emotional feelings and desire she would begin to suspect you of having an affair outside the home or that you find her unattractive.  

One thing you seem to be forgetting is your age difference. The fact that she is two years older than you, could make her begin to direct her thoughts in the wrong directions. She may begin to think you are finding her unattractive or too experienced for you. The earlier you take steps to correct this, the better for your marriage. 

There is no marriage without a definite problem. Both of you must find a way of patenting your marriage by coming together to freely discuss your differences. They may appear sharp but can be dulled if both of you have the dedication to make things happen. Sex is fundamental and must be treated with all the honesty and sensitivity it requires. Ideally in marriage, there should be no holds barred whatsoever when it comes to the degree of sexual enjoyment a couple should have. Marriage is meant to break down every inhibition between a man and woman at that point and if a party begins to feel that his or her partner lacks the maturity or open-mindedness to cope, it is bound to generate the kind of problems you are having in your home. 

Be humble enough to accept the fact that you didn’t handle this thing well. Humility is about subjecting yourself to the wishes of others. Apologise to her, and learn to listen to the many things she isn’t saying about the quality of sex she is getting from you. She wants more of different things and not of a particular thing. She wants to be made love to and not had sex with. There is a huge difference between love-making, which is a complete pack and sex, which is just part of the package.

Asking for oral sex comes with the package of love-making. It would do you both a world of good to listen to the salient things you are too busy in your different worlds to pay attention to. Being Christians doesn’t preclude a couple from taking full advantage of all the angles making love offers.

Don’t be shy to discuss with your pastor. He is trained by his callings to deal with such matters. 

 

Good luck.