How Can I Choose Between Two Lovers?

Dear Agatha,

Thank you for the wonderful work you are doing. I want to share what I am currently passing through with you. I have had this friend for quite some time now. He has been asking me to marry him but unfortunately, I don’t have any feeling for him. There is another man I am in love with; we have been on for 18 months now. He is also asking me to marry him; the problem is that I am still running my part-time programme which makes the prospect of being a wife and probably mother unappealing now. Besides I am just 23 years of age. What do I do and how best do I handle this matter?

Worried Girl.

Dear Worried Girl,

The question is, what do you want now? There is no way you will get around this problem if you are confused about your own desires and dreams. 

Life is about having a workable scale of preference; one though subject to minor changes but with very definite focus. Obviously you lack a clear agenda of what you want and the time you want them accomplished. 

This is why you cannot be précised about what you want. With a defined focus comes passion for honesty.  This is because deep within you, you know that without sticking to the truth always, the chances of you ever accomplishing your dream would become nullity. 

If you don’t love the first guy, why are you still keeping him, giving him the impression you do and allowing him to build hopes that apparently doesn’t exist? What is the essence of nurturing a relationship you know deep down you are not interested in? What is preventing you from being honest with this man and freeing him to pursue something with a woman who will be serious with him?

At what age do you think you would be ready for marriage? The issue you raised about not being able to cope with your education as well as being a wife and mother appears not to be the main thing; at least not as important as the subject of your age. You must clear this little confusion to enable you have clear insight into the challenge at hand. 

Had you being older and you find yourself in these circumstances you think are now insurmountable, would you still be so confused on which direction to go?

If you actually love this man as you claim, you won’t still be cheating on him with your first boyfriend. You would have stopped whatever thing, no matter how causal with the first man. It is called respect for the man in your life. If despite your claims about not being in love with your first boyfriend, you are still keeping the relationship alive, it only means that you don’t love this second man at all. It is also a clear indication that you don’t even know what love is; that you are instead in love with the idea of being in love. 

True love will never deliberately do anything to hurt the feelings of the other party. It comes with a kind of friendship that seeks to protect the other person from hurt and pains. It also comes with tremendous kind of sacrifices.

Therefore you must know what you feel for this man to enable you make the right decision. 

It is only when you know this that you will know the kind of choices and sacrifices you have to make. 

To help you, try to answer these questions with as much honesty as you can. Do you see yourself going old, wrinkled and grey with this man? Do you think he has that extra-special quality to bring out the best in you and you in him, no matter the prevailing circumstances? 

Relationship and marriage go beyond two people performing the ritual of signing dotted lines. The coming together must go beyond the physical to the spiritual. It must get to the souls of the persons to be worthwhile. 

It is only when you see yourself in the body of that person that will have the zeal to do the unusual. The question is how much of yourself do you see in this man?

Your hesitation at his offer is instructive hence the urgent need for you to be introspective. What has your age got to do with it? Is it that you feel you still have time to make another choice or some time to enjoy your freedom before going into all those responsibilities marriage come with?

If it is just a case of trepidation on account of all the tasks that come with the wedding ring, these problems can be managed with the right kind of planning. It is simply a matter of you and your man agreeing on what you both want for now. There is a law that says you must have a baby in the first year of your marriage. Even if the society and family want you to, it is still the prerogative of you and your man to decide on when to. 

If he agrees, you could finish school before having a baby to make things easy for you. Another way out is to have someone or a paid help come live with you to assist you with the house chores. 

Besides, if you and your husband have the perfect understanding as well as healthy respect for your unique roles in the house, he can help with the domestic work to ease the burden on you.

You must however discuss your inherent fears with him as well as solicit for his understanding and appreciation; not assume he is bound to do it. 

But if your concern comes from not being sure of the whole business of marriage now, don’t try to force yourself into something you are not sure of. Be bold enough to share your fears and conclusions with him. This way, you save yourself and him some very stressful moments in life. This is essential because marriage is a journey of a lifetime and you must do everything in the beginning of its journey to avoid regrets and lamentation. 

Above all, go to God in prayers for His leading and instruction on the best way to go.

Good luck.