Dear Agatha,
I am a boy of 27 years, Yoruba by tribe from a polygamous background. I came to know a lady about two years ago who incidentally is a cousin to my half brothers, one thing led to another and we started dating even though secretly. Last month we decided to make our relationship known to the world by taking the most reasonable step anybody in our age bracket will want to do, which is marriage.
Both of us are employed with good prospects and so we thought our parents would be overjoyed at our decisions, but alas everybody has turned against us including my stepmother, her mother, my half-brothers, it’s only her father that seems to be supporting us on this issue.
Please, Agatha, I need your candid advice. Is it a sin or a crime to date her? I need your advice as the lady has threatened to elope with me if we don’t have our parental blessings on this.
O.A.
Dear O.A.,
In the part of the country I come from, and I did consult too, there is nothing wrong in the two of you getting married since there is no blood connection whatsoever between the two of you.
However, both of you made a fundamental mistake in not first confiding in some influential people within the family. It was a technical error to come out in the open without first securing the support of some elders and youths who are the arrow heads in your family.
It is called family politics. The resentment and vehemence in which both of you are being rejected stems from the perceived slight those who traditionally hold the power balance in your family think you have of them. Nobody wants to relinquish power willingly and some people flourish best when they are made the centre of focus within the family; they want to be the first to know everything and act as the clearing house for everything. Because you both failed to factor in their importance, recognize their vital roles and positions in your two families, they would work towards ensuring that nothing is achieved until both of you come back to base.
Honestly, without what we secretly term their meddlesomeness in intricate family affairs like the one you are facing, such issues will never be resolved amicably.
These are the people you have to go back to; first to apologise and court their support as well as understanding. On account of this initial mistake, don’t stop at just identify these people; go with preferred gifts for them. The intention is not only to get their support but to break their ranks. Your visit may not totally erase the opposition, but would breakup the strength of the opposition, gaining you more support.
Besides, you will get to learn more of the reason for their objection as well as gain the chance of educating them on why marriage between the two of you isn’t forbidden. You both could also use her father’s support to your advantage. His daughter should appeal to him to reach out too on your behalf.
Breaking up the opposition would see your side growing in strength which at the end of the day would make near consensus possible as it would water down resentment against you and your girlfriend.
Eloping with her shouldn’t be the first course of action, but the last, if reasons fail to prevail. Besides since the father is on your side, you both don’t have to elope. With his support, a quiet wedding can be done in the registry.
But is important you both go first to God to ask for His assistance especially going by the massive opposition to your union.
Even though you are not bothered about it all, good sense demands you should take time to listen to all these complaints. In the interest of the uncertainty of tomorrow, critically examine those you think are worth considering. Both of you should do what must be done to avoid the danger signals to prevent those waiting for your downfall from having the last laugh.
When a relationship is confronted with so much opposition, it needs plenty of prayers and wisdom to survive on account of those whose desire is for it to crash so that they can say, I told you so. It also requires both of you to be sure of what you are going into, ensuring that all the things that could be a threat to the relationship is honestly discussed and sorted out.
Family ties are usually the hardest to confront and defeat, because they have information no outsider has about your life, hence knows where one is the weakest. But going round to plead for support would help thin out those who are determined to make it their business it doesn’t succeed. The polygamous home is most time a slippery and treacherous ground to step on. Unless firm in God and equipped in His wisdom, you risk falling into a deliberately set up life wire.
It would make a lot of differences if you first commit your trips to these decision makers within your family to the able hands of God.
Even where the opposition is maliciously motivated, God’s presence in your life and relationship will help you both overcome.
Good luck.
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