Hearing Of Her Dialogue With Her Ex Nags Me…

Dear Agatha,

Please I need your help over a problem bothering me. There is this girl I love and cherish so much. She happens to be my first love and the most exciting thing about her is that she loves me as much as I love her.

The problem is that a guy she once dated and had broken up with is still very much around her. They still call each other and I am not comfortable with it. 

I get disturbed whenever I hear them talk to each other. What should I do? Should I ask her never to call or receive his call again?

Worried Boyfriend.

Dear Worried Boyfriend, 

The basic ingredient of any relationship is trust. All you have to do is to understand the nature of their friendship. There are some couples that after terminating their sexual relationships are able to remain good friends on account of the kind or quality of love they played up while dating. 

That these two are no longer romantically involved doesn’t make them enemies or unable to function as good friends. She must have gone into the relationship with him for a different reason from the reason she is in a relationship with you. That they are able to remain friends shows that the relationship they had wasn’t meant to be. Some couples function best as very good friends rather than as lovers.

Instead of trying to break them up, what you should do is to try to get close to this other guy. Get to be his friend also and find out his motive for still wanting to be around your girlfriend. If he is out to make trouble for her, you will know just as you stand to gain from him if he is really a friend. There are things he knows about your girlfriend, you don’t know. Being an older friend, he is in a position to help you with some issues you are still trying to unknot about her. His positive influence on her could aid you both to have a smoother relationship.

And if you are really not comfortable about the relationship, be careful you don’t end up spoiling something good by your jealousy. Call and explain to her why you don’t want her to continue the relationship. Don’t give her the general excuse that you don’t want the boy in her life, saying that would cause problems between the two of you. What you should do is to give her concrete reasons, based on your relationship with the guy you think she should be out of his life. 

By also asking her how she would feel if you were the one still conversing regularly with your ex will also make her think twice about her decision to continue the friendship with her former boyfriend without it causing problems between the two of you. 

The important thing is not to give her the impression that you don’t trust her. This is usually what causes the problem of stubbornness and refusal to give up an old habit for the new person in our lives.  

By carefully outlining your need of her in your life as well as the insecurity you feel at this relationship with her ex, it becomes a subtle and not a forceful attempt at making her do your bidding. It has to be gently done to be effective and appealing a choice to her. 

Good luck.