Dear Agatha,
Thank you for helping in solving our relationship problems. I pray God solves yours too.
I am a girl of 23 years, a Christian, but dating a Muslim guy. We love each other so much that we plan to get married in future. The much I know of him is impressive. Every bit of his character agrees with mine, he doesn’t allow religious differences to come between us. Instead, whenevehim in my prayers.
I have considered everything about him, and considering him from my human mind he has everything I have always desired in a husband. But my fears now are whether he will change after we are married? We have been dating for over a year now, and his love for me has been increasing each day. But will he still allow me continue as a Christian after we are married? What should I do and say when my family members try to discourage me. I don’t want to make a mistake that I will regret later in life. Please help me. I am so confused now.
Confused Girl.
Dear Confused Girl,
I would start by asking you what you understand by the four-lettered word, love. I ask because there is no way you can recognize it without you knowing it. Besides, true love has a way of coming in unexpected packages. It takes a true knowledge and understanding of love to withstand the harsh challenges that comes with falling in love outside the expected package.
Both of you have to want each other sufficiently enough to be able to withstand the definite out-burst and avalanche of protests that would follow the announcement of your relationship to the outside world.
It is not whether he would allow you continue in your faith, but a matter of your love being strong enough to go the whole mile with him, being the one who might be expected at a point in the marriage to give up everything familiar for the unknown.
The truth in mixed religious marriages is that more often than not the woman is the one who after a while has to make the major sacrifices even when the man gives her the freedom to continue to be in her ways. The interest of the children is usually what makes the woman reconsiders her decision. For now, there may be no problem between you and the man, but once the children start coming, the decision would have to be made on the religion they have to adopt, at least, till they are old enough to make the decision themselves.
To avoid the attendant confusion, anger and bitterness that usually follow such major family decisions, it is wise you and your man project into the future and discuss all likely grey areas as well as high tension zones before making it public. Even if your parents don’t protest your coming together, his especially would want to know what both of you have discussed about the religion of your children. No matter how liberal-minded your family or his is, the fact remains that you must be practical and comprehensive in your attitude and approach to this very delicate issue. You must be prepared at every point for the challenges of the two of you getting married. While you both must concentrate efforts and discovering your weak points as well as your strong ones, you both must adopt the right kind of attitude to make it work, have the type of disposition that will see issues that come up as normal ones, and not because you belong to different religions.
When religion is made to take the place of the culture of marriage, you both risk destroying the chance of it working in the first place. For you both to move on, there must be a healthy respect of your huge differences while at the same time understanding that these differences make both of you unique and your relationship precious. There must also be a willingness to dig into these divergences in your religions with a view of finding a common ground of appreciation. If two people with sharp cultural differences end up having a wonderful marriage, there is no major reason beyond the state of our minds why both of you can’t marry.
Truthfully if I am to go by my religious beliefs as a Christian, I would discourage you, but being a counsellor and one who knows that God’s mind is unreadable and His ways unknown to man except Him, go to God first in prayers to seek His face earnestly. Let Him talk and show you what to do and how to go about it.
With God on your side, meeting his family and saying the right thing won’t be a problem. Because God in it, you will know what to say that will make you acceptable to them as well as your own family too.
On the issue of change, it has nothing to do with religion. Change is an individual function, one which comes from the person we are rather than from the religion we profess. A lot of time we use religion and culture to mask our true nature and character. When we all learn to accept responsibility for our actions, our relationships would be a lot better. If he is going to change or you for that matter, it is because you both have it in you and not on account of the religion you each belong to. However, be prepared that somewhere along the line, some things would change in his character and yours too. These come from living together and getting exposed to each other’s weaknesses as well as strengths. In most cases they are not really changes, but a process that comes from intimate knowledge of the person, expose to character flaws that one didn’t bother with during the courtship period. If you realise these changes are simply the aggregation of who we are, it will be easier to make the sacrifices to stay and to make it work against all the odds. Remember, in all these, that your relationship is peculiar to you and that what works for you may not work for me, just as what is working for me may not work for you. Don’t because of what people would say throw away your God given solution to your happiness in life, which is why you must stay extremely close to God to be sure He is with you in this would be adventure of a lifetime.
Good luck.
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