Dear Agatha,
I had this classmate in the secondary school that became my best friend after being roommates at the polytechnic.She told me of a man that wanted to marry her, but that she declined. I persuaded her to marry him, but she refused.
During my Industrial Training in the same company where the man works, he wooed me. But I declined on the ground that he has interest in my friend. He told me my friend refused him, but I still declined to have anything to do with him, though I so much desired a husband then. I didn’t want to be accused by anybody of betraying a friend.
We later met them in Lagos as married couple, the wife became my best friend, and she was cherished by my husband as a true friend, but her husband refused to let me be. My friend did not know what transpired between us before they met and married.
He is fond of trying to hug me when the wife is not watching. I have been trying to avoid him. Unfortunately, when my family travelled for Xmas, I had to move in with her. I couldn’t go with my family because of my job since I wasn’t given permission to travel.
For security reasons I was scared of staying alone in a whole house where there was no other person. Despite my cautioning him about his behaviour and my appeal to him that he has the best wife in the world, he still won’t let me be. To avoid problems and suspicions, I refused to tell my husband or his wife about this. The couple maintains separate rooms and the room given me is closer to the man’s room.
Knowing how mischievous he can be, I had to take to locking the door to the room since he is capable of sneaking into my room at night, because the wife hardly goes to his room. Noticing my friend’s attitude towards sex from our discussions, I have tried my best to encourage her to give him quality sex, but she appears adamant.
During the time I was there, he would deliberately wait for me to emerge from the room to make attempts at hugging me. He actually forced himself into the room as I made attempts to lock the door. I had to run out of the room while my friend was in her room oblivious of what game her husband was trying to play with me.
I can’t tell my friend least I break her home and I can’t tell my husband, he will break the relationship with my best friend. Although he has since apologized for his behaviour, what do I do?
Should I completely keep off his house, tell my husband and friend about his behaviour? She is more like a sister to me. We don’t have secrets beside this.
Worried Woman.
Dear Worried Woman,
Marriage is sacred and whether you like it or not, you are becoming a third party in this marriage. Granted, you are trying your best to discourage him, the truth is that if you don’t put a wide distance between you, you are liable to that one mistake that would lead to the destruction of the very thing you are now trying to prevent. Don’t forget, feelings have no common sense, just passion and when it comes in a place and moment of weakness, it is done within minutes even before the person has the time to think. Don’t give this man the opportunity by your determination to keep his wife as your friend at all cost, make you do something that you will forever regret.
This is the time for you to make the important sacrifice of letting go of this friendship, because to insist on it is akin to playing with a naked fire. You are not indispensable to her. Before you met her, she had other friends just like you also had. There is no way she would ever understand that her husband has been the one chasing you from the moment you both re-established contact. Who would believe you when you have never told your husband about him or his wife about his desire to date you at your first meeting before now?
Sincerely, none of these two would ever trust or believe you, so do protect the integrity of your person and sanctity of your home, tell your husband about this past as well as the other things he has been trying to do to you since you met him again. Apologise too for not telling him before now as well as the reasons you decided not to.
You don’t have to tell the wife, but telling your husband would help you to deal with it once and for all. If your husband thinks it best for both families keep their distances from each other, follow his lead by setting aside your sentiment.
If your friend persists in knowing what the matter is, why there seems to be a frost in the relationship, make up a story about being busy. Sometimes cruelty comes with love and this is one instance you have to be cruel for the sake of love and the happiness of another person.
This doesn’t mean you have to end the relationship but it has to be given a new definition for the sake of all concerned. You can keep on being good friends through telephone conversation, text messages and e-mails. The friendship can still be as good, provided you are sensible enough to avoid her home or being alone with the husband. Both of you can have lunch together as well as see during the office hours. She doesn’t have to know from you the type of man she is married to. That she will get to find out from other sources, your duty as her friend is to continue to encourage her to do what she has to do to keep her home. For instance, the issue of her attitude towards sex underscores the need for her to change her attitude if she intends keeping her home. Continue to make her understand the danger to her lukewarm attitude to sex is putting her marriage on dangerous end. Let her know it is capable of pushing her husband into the arms of another woman.
It is for the collective you must make this painful decision to put a small distance between you and this couple at least in the area of going to spend time in her house or go without your husband.
Also, you need is the wisdom and presence of God to do what you have to do.
Good luck.
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