I thank God for the wonderful things you have being doing through your column. I confess many wounds are being healed through you. There is this girl who was my classmate while in primary school. We were not just classmates, but also neighbours, hence we exchanged visits to each other’s homes. We got to know each other’s families.
When we were in JSS 3, I left to live in Enugu with one of my uncles where I completed my secondary school education. She also left for Port Harcourt at about the same time. We temporarily lost touch until she called my phone one day to announce she was the one at the other side of the phone. I was excited to hear her voice so many years after. We had both finished secondary school. Since then we began to communicate on phone and she always ended her conversation by either telling me she loves or misses me to which she always expected a response in like manner. I always decline to oblige her with the right kind of reply she seems to want.
Agatha, the point is that she wants me to marry her. I don’t want to because I have made up my mind not to marry any girl who was once a classmate. Besides, she lacks the qualities, like intelligence and good character I envisage in the woman I intend spending the rest of my life with.
How do I handle her attraction to me? What do I tell her?
Jack.
Dear Jack,
Tell her the truth about your interest in women. By refusing to say anything, allowing her to continue to grow her interest in you, you are unwittingly giving her the impression that you share in her emotional sentiments for you.
If you refuse to nip it in the bud now, it could create a problem for you by the time you meet a woman you are interested in and want to keep. This is on account of her being your childhood friend and the fact that she knows so many things most people except those that go way back about you. Therefore it isn’t in your interest to allow her interest in you linger more than necessary. Because she goes back a long way and knows your family, she might completely disappear from your life for good. For this reason, you must not only tell her the truth about your preferences, but to also make her understand that it isn’t anything personal. That tried, as you would have loved to have her in your life, you know she deserves someone better than you, that special person who can make her happier than you could ever do. You have to learn to massage her ego, present yourself as the problem that would arise in the event of a relationship between the two of you. To get her to let you be, don’t give the impression that you find her character and attitude imperfect for you. This could make her bitter as well as resentful enough to make her want to hit back at you in an unexpected manner and when you least expect. Hell has no fury as a woman’s scorned. Irrespective of what you feel, don’t forget it took guts for her to come in the open with her feelings for you. Having known you for most of her life, she feels confident to say what she has said. For this reason you have to be sensitive and wise in rejecting her offer so as not to bruise her in the side that would hurt her the most and forgiveness impossible to give. It must also be done in such a way that the door of your old friendship doesn’t suffer permanent damage now or later in life.
How you handle this would go a long way in determining what becomes of your friendship. Once she understands that you have grown from the boy she used to know, developed tastes she knows nothing of and have moved away from the things that used to interest you when you were both in primary and junior secondary schools as well as the fact that it isn’t a personal thing against her, she will be able to handle your turning down her offer with the maturity it deserves.
By the time she understands that you are not interested in having a relationship, there won’t be need for you to worry about her demand to have you marrying her. All you need is wisdom and an openness she will understand.
Good luck.
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