With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I have been dating this man for over three years but we have never had sex because I am still a virgin.
The idea of no sex came from me and he graciously agreed to my terms. We are both undergraduates in different schools and hardly have enough time to be with each other due to distance of our schools.
We only get to see once in four or five months but we are constantly communicating with each other. Distance hasn’t affected our relationship. He loves me so much; even his family members adore me. He is brilliant, hardworking, caring and God fearing. He wants to marry me in future but I am finding it very difficult to give him a clear answer because he is of average height. I have always dreamt of marrying a tall man. I am a bit taller than he is.
Please I need your advice. Kindly counsel me on what to do.
Ann.
Dear Ann,
Marriage doesn’t function on the physical looks of the couple, but on what they both have inside of them. You may have dreamt of marrying a man who is tall and handsome but if God didn’t create your ideal man in that mould, what are you going to do?
Height isn’t one of those things you discover about people as the days go by; it is an obvious thing, something one notices in a person instantly. Why did you agree to his offer of friendship when you knew he wasn’t your kind of man? Why did it take you three precious years of your life to come to this realisation that a relationship you have laboured tirelessly to build isn’t worth keeping on the premise of the man’s height?
There is something you aren’t saying. Whatever that thing or whoever he or she may be, just be sure you are sincere to yourself because you would be the one to suffer the regrets at the end of the day.
How exactly has his lack of your ideal height affected the quality of your relationship with him? Granted that you need to massage your dreams, but when one gets to the junction of naked reality, some dreams simply have to die if one hopes to stay happy in life.
In life the barometer to gauge our happiness and fulfillment in life remains the quality of our relationships. Only a few can function at full capacity while in very bad and disturbing relationships. For the majority, something would always be missing in their lives once their relationship is showing signs of problems.
Before you lose one man you will never be able to replace in your life, no matter how much you try; take real time out to reflect on your three years with him. How would you rank these years? That he didn’t harass you into submitting to his sexual desires, allowed you the freedom to keep your vows, shows a man matured and extremely understanding.
A lot of young men his age would always want to experiment with sex irrespective of whatever agreement they entered into with the girls in their lives.
If for three years, he didn’t, then it underscores a man with a strong character and a deep sense of responsibility. These are rare attributes; ones very sensible women are looking for in their men.
You will understand more of life if you have the benefit of listening to a lot of women and men who have suffered emotional disability due to wrong values marketed during their youths.
Life is a journey of strong and stormy winds. Everybody needs a friend to restore confidence in one’s ability when those challenges come. As a woman you would need the support of a very friendly and supportive husband to help you realise your ambitions in life.
You would need more than the height and looks of your partner to be contented in a marriage.
Perhaps you need to take time out to reflect on those things you think are important and what is really important at the end of the day to you and your future.
If you are astute enough you will discover your answers right in your heart, know what you should do. But, more often than not the problem is accepting what would work for us. From time immemorial, the struggle to submit to the will of God for us is tougher than doing what we think is right. Life is about whom we are and not what we are or look like.
To get a good perspective to what is right and wrong for you, please go to God in prayers. It is always important you submit to His will always. Allow His spirit to direct you rightly.
Good luck.
Monday, March 28, 2011
I quit my marriage for my boyfriend
Marriage Clinic with Auntie Agatha Edo; email; gataedo@yahoo.com; agatha.edo@gmail.com; 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I got married six years ago to a man I never really liked from the beginning. I agreed to marry him because I was under intense pressure from my family members to marry. Being the only child of my parents, they wanted grandchildren.
I tried to explain to them that the man I truly loved wasn’t ready. Besides he was abroad trying to make things better for us. Initially, my parents agreed but on my 29th birthday, they gave me an ultimatum of three months to bring my own choice of a husband or they would force me to marry their best friend’s son who has never hidden his interest in me.
I didn’t know what to do. I tried in vain to get in touch with my man but he was unreachable. The friend whose contact I often use to get him too wasn’t going through.
For six months, I didn’t hear anything from him. I had no clue what was happening. Meanwhile, the pressures kept mounting so I was forced into agreeing to marry one of the men who wanted my hand in marriage.
I honestly tried to love him but I just couldn’t bring myself to. My love for my boyfriend was just too strong to let go. A year after my marriage, I got to know through a friend of mine the reason he stopped communicating with me. The hardship in that country made him marry a citizen of that country.
She made him change his phone number. She also destroyed his former sim card, threatening to report him to the authorities as a drug peddler if he does as much as call home. She gave me a number and when I called, it turned out to be him. He gave me specific time to call him. When I was able to talk to him, he told me he never stopped loving me and that he did what he did to make life comfortable for us.
I told him about my marriage and son. He told me not to worry that he would marry me when he comes back.
Perhaps this caused my carelessness and attitude to my husband. I became very rude to the point he had to report me to my parents. Still nothing changed. At a point I didn’t care if he got to know about my boyfriend. Whenever he called, I would take his calls irrespective of whether or not my husband was listening to my conversation.
When he could no longer tolerate the situation, he took some of his things and relocated to one of his flats.
I was glad but it was short lived when I discovered I was almost four months pregnant. He came back to be with me. I had twins and it was while I was nursing the twins my ex- boyfriend came back.
I left my 10 months old twins, their elder brother and husband to follow my boyfriend. I went with him to Ghana. He gave me the impression that he had come to take me back with him only for me to discover after staying with him for eight weeks that he didn’t have the intention of doing that. He left me in the hotel one night with the impression that he was going to see a business partner.
I didn’t know he was travelling back to his base that night until the next morning when the hotel staff brought a note he left for me at the reception. He begged me to forgive him that he had no intention of marrying me because he was happy with his wife and children. He told me to go back to my husband and family. In addition to my ticket back home, he gave me two thousand dollars to start a business of my choice.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
I discovered too late that I loved my husband and want my family back but I don’t know how to go about it or face my husband for that matter. My parents have washed their hands off even though they are the ones caring for my children.
Cyn.
Dear Cyn,
You did act very irresponsibly and you unjustly hurt a man whose only crime was to love and care for you. That your husband came back after he left home, when you became pregnant with the twins underscores his love for you.
Only a man who is caring would endure the humiliation of listening to his wife converse in intimacy with another man without going physical with her.
A lot of men would have beaten the living daylight out of you for such show of disrespect and impudence.
The irony of life is what you are experiencing now. A lot of us don’t know the value of what we have until we are at the point of losing it or have lost it entirely.
The issue here is more than your husband. He alone cannot take you back because you have disrespected everyone involved with your marriage; your children, parents, in-laws and him.
It isn’t just that you abandoned your children but left your home and family to follow a man. What manner of love would make you abandon ten months old babies or your home for that matter?
Frankly, you didn’t act like a mother at all, let alone a wife. If for eight weeks you didn’t feel the urge to be with your babies and would have actually left them if the man hadn’t abandoned you, what guarantees are there for your parents and husband that you won’t leave them again if this man does as much as snap his fingers at you? What assurances are you going to give your husband that you won’t hurt or humiliate him again?
Love isn’t reckless; it is a feeling that goes with so much responsibilities as well as sacrifices. Love is also about wisdom; to know what is right and what isn’t. How would you feel if your husband had been the one who abandoned you with 10 months old twins and a son to be with another woman? How would you feel if he came back only after the other woman left him to be with her own family?
The questions you need to ask yourself before looking for ways to beg your husband and family is this; do you want your family back because you are now convinced that you really love him or because you have been left high and dry by the man you thought loved you as much as you loved him?
This question is critical to your recovery of your home and happiness. Your honest answer to it would determine the length you are ready to go, the humiliation you are ready to suffer in the course of getting your husband to take you back.
It is only after you have done this that you can ask God for forgiveness. The reason being if you aren’t convinced that you have come to stay through thick and thin with your man, chances are you would still hurt them beyond reason.
Forgiveness from God would help make things easier for you to redeem. At this critical stage, He is the only one who can help melt the heart of your husband, make him forgive you completely.
However, be realistic enough that it won’t be automatic and may not come very soon. Find your way back to your parents. No matter how badly you have behaved, you are still their child and only one at that. Their stance is normal. You not only disgraced them but presented them as bad parents who didn’t instill the right discipline in their child. I am sure if they hadn’t been this hard on you; you won’t realise the depth of pains you caused everyone with your behavior.
You must understand that they are under extreme pressure to ensure you don’t derail forever. Go to them and let them see how sorry you really are. Bear in mind that they have to see that you are truly sorry for them to ever trust you again. It might also take a while for them to take you back. The thing is for you not to give up; to win their hearts back and have access to your children.
Once you are able to win their trust again, they would be the ones to do the major job of reconciling you with your husband. The fact that he trusts them to care for his children shows the high regard he holds them.
If you patient, really sorry, responsible, respectful and steadfast in your resolve to win back your husband, overtime he would come back.
Just be prayerful that he hasn’t closed his mind against you forever. If he has, it would take the extra grace of God to make him change his mind.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I got married six years ago to a man I never really liked from the beginning. I agreed to marry him because I was under intense pressure from my family members to marry. Being the only child of my parents, they wanted grandchildren.
I tried to explain to them that the man I truly loved wasn’t ready. Besides he was abroad trying to make things better for us. Initially, my parents agreed but on my 29th birthday, they gave me an ultimatum of three months to bring my own choice of a husband or they would force me to marry their best friend’s son who has never hidden his interest in me.
I didn’t know what to do. I tried in vain to get in touch with my man but he was unreachable. The friend whose contact I often use to get him too wasn’t going through.
For six months, I didn’t hear anything from him. I had no clue what was happening. Meanwhile, the pressures kept mounting so I was forced into agreeing to marry one of the men who wanted my hand in marriage.
I honestly tried to love him but I just couldn’t bring myself to. My love for my boyfriend was just too strong to let go. A year after my marriage, I got to know through a friend of mine the reason he stopped communicating with me. The hardship in that country made him marry a citizen of that country.
She made him change his phone number. She also destroyed his former sim card, threatening to report him to the authorities as a drug peddler if he does as much as call home. She gave me a number and when I called, it turned out to be him. He gave me specific time to call him. When I was able to talk to him, he told me he never stopped loving me and that he did what he did to make life comfortable for us.
I told him about my marriage and son. He told me not to worry that he would marry me when he comes back.
Perhaps this caused my carelessness and attitude to my husband. I became very rude to the point he had to report me to my parents. Still nothing changed. At a point I didn’t care if he got to know about my boyfriend. Whenever he called, I would take his calls irrespective of whether or not my husband was listening to my conversation.
When he could no longer tolerate the situation, he took some of his things and relocated to one of his flats.
I was glad but it was short lived when I discovered I was almost four months pregnant. He came back to be with me. I had twins and it was while I was nursing the twins my ex- boyfriend came back.
I left my 10 months old twins, their elder brother and husband to follow my boyfriend. I went with him to Ghana. He gave me the impression that he had come to take me back with him only for me to discover after staying with him for eight weeks that he didn’t have the intention of doing that. He left me in the hotel one night with the impression that he was going to see a business partner.
I didn’t know he was travelling back to his base that night until the next morning when the hotel staff brought a note he left for me at the reception. He begged me to forgive him that he had no intention of marrying me because he was happy with his wife and children. He told me to go back to my husband and family. In addition to my ticket back home, he gave me two thousand dollars to start a business of my choice.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
I discovered too late that I loved my husband and want my family back but I don’t know how to go about it or face my husband for that matter. My parents have washed their hands off even though they are the ones caring for my children.
Cyn.
Dear Cyn,
You did act very irresponsibly and you unjustly hurt a man whose only crime was to love and care for you. That your husband came back after he left home, when you became pregnant with the twins underscores his love for you.
Only a man who is caring would endure the humiliation of listening to his wife converse in intimacy with another man without going physical with her.
A lot of men would have beaten the living daylight out of you for such show of disrespect and impudence.
The irony of life is what you are experiencing now. A lot of us don’t know the value of what we have until we are at the point of losing it or have lost it entirely.
The issue here is more than your husband. He alone cannot take you back because you have disrespected everyone involved with your marriage; your children, parents, in-laws and him.
It isn’t just that you abandoned your children but left your home and family to follow a man. What manner of love would make you abandon ten months old babies or your home for that matter?
Frankly, you didn’t act like a mother at all, let alone a wife. If for eight weeks you didn’t feel the urge to be with your babies and would have actually left them if the man hadn’t abandoned you, what guarantees are there for your parents and husband that you won’t leave them again if this man does as much as snap his fingers at you? What assurances are you going to give your husband that you won’t hurt or humiliate him again?
Love isn’t reckless; it is a feeling that goes with so much responsibilities as well as sacrifices. Love is also about wisdom; to know what is right and what isn’t. How would you feel if your husband had been the one who abandoned you with 10 months old twins and a son to be with another woman? How would you feel if he came back only after the other woman left him to be with her own family?
The questions you need to ask yourself before looking for ways to beg your husband and family is this; do you want your family back because you are now convinced that you really love him or because you have been left high and dry by the man you thought loved you as much as you loved him?
This question is critical to your recovery of your home and happiness. Your honest answer to it would determine the length you are ready to go, the humiliation you are ready to suffer in the course of getting your husband to take you back.
It is only after you have done this that you can ask God for forgiveness. The reason being if you aren’t convinced that you have come to stay through thick and thin with your man, chances are you would still hurt them beyond reason.
Forgiveness from God would help make things easier for you to redeem. At this critical stage, He is the only one who can help melt the heart of your husband, make him forgive you completely.
However, be realistic enough that it won’t be automatic and may not come very soon. Find your way back to your parents. No matter how badly you have behaved, you are still their child and only one at that. Their stance is normal. You not only disgraced them but presented them as bad parents who didn’t instill the right discipline in their child. I am sure if they hadn’t been this hard on you; you won’t realise the depth of pains you caused everyone with your behavior.
You must understand that they are under extreme pressure to ensure you don’t derail forever. Go to them and let them see how sorry you really are. Bear in mind that they have to see that you are truly sorry for them to ever trust you again. It might also take a while for them to take you back. The thing is for you not to give up; to win their hearts back and have access to your children.
Once you are able to win their trust again, they would be the ones to do the major job of reconciling you with your husband. The fact that he trusts them to care for his children shows the high regard he holds them.
If you patient, really sorry, responsible, respectful and steadfast in your resolve to win back your husband, overtime he would come back.
Just be prayerful that he hasn’t closed his mind against you forever. If he has, it would take the extra grace of God to make him change his mind.
Good luck.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
I need tall Nigerian as husband…
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
May the good Lord continue to bless you and your household as He uses you to give hope to those that have troubled relationships as well as others like us that are experiencing heartbrokenness.
You are the only reason I visit nigeriaworld.com just to read your columns.
I’m a 30-year-old single mother of a two and a half year old boy, has never been married.
My major problem in life is that I have been unlucky in my relationships. I have never been able to secure the true love of a man.
I have lived in a foreign land for 10 years. Since coming to my host country I have never liked dating men who aren’t Nigerians. I ended the relationship I was into before coming here because the man was dating other girls. He didn’t bother to hide this fact from me when I phoned to demand explanations. His parents actually told me to move on with my life. Years after he hasn’t repented.
Leaving him forced me back into the relationship market, but hasn’t been lucky to get my true idea of a Nigerian man preferably from South-East or South-South.
Unfortunately all the kinds of men that have indicated interest in dating and marrying me, though blacks but are not foreigners.
Five years ago I met a fellow Nigerian who resides as me in Europe. We started a relationship that led to our becoming live-in lovers. Sadly, barely four months into our relationship we had fallen out of love, but we continued to live together. Along the way, I got pregnant.
To be truthful, it wasn’t a mistake because he wanted a baby desperately being 13 years older than I am. Agatha, can you imagine that after we both decided to keep the pregnancy, he suddenly remembered his ex-girlfriend back in Nigeria, same girl he condemned and vowed never to have anything to do with just to deceive me. Today they are married.
I had no choice but to break up the relationship and move on with my life. I was three months pregnant.
Since then I’ve been single. The environment I live is not helping the situation. There are very few Nigerian men here. The few around here were sponsored to this country by successful prostitutes, who lavish so much money on them.
My request from you now is whether there is anyway you can help me to meet any decent, responsible, independent, matured, loving and caring man? He should be between 31 to 42 years of age. Being tall will be a huge plus, because I like tall guys.
I’ll appreciate it if you can help me find my soul mate I’m so lonely and want to love and be loved again. Interested Nigerian man can get in touch with me through this e-mail address: ismalife004@yahoo.com.
May God fill you with more wisdom and knowledge.
A.
Dear A,
If you have spent 10 years in your host country searching for a Nigerian man with no positive results to show for it, isn’t it time you reconsidered your position? Has it ever occurred to you that you may not have been destined to marry a Nigerian man?
Have you stopped to wonder why no relationship you go into with a Nigerian man is working? Have you wondered if this is God’s way of telling you, a Nigerian man will not favour you?
That you are Nigerian doesn’t mean you must marry a Nigerian man. True love is innocent of creed, tribe, colour or nationality for that matter. Love can happen in anywhere and true love comes in packages we least expect.
As a woman, you don’t have all the time in the world. What should be of concern to you is your happiness and contentment in your marriage. Rather than focusing on the nationality of your would be husband, you should concentrate on the character of the man himself.
Patriotism has no place in marriage. While it is good to be patriotic, but when it comes to marriage love reigns supreme. What is most important is that you have a soul mate, one whose love for you is unconditional and respectful. Would you rather be lied to, deceived and hurt by a man simply because he comes from Nigeria or loved by a foreigner?
Stop hurting yourself unnecessarily before it’s too late. Remember you are today a single mother because you desired a Nigerian man who at the end of the day lied to you.
Good wisdom demands a change of tactics when a particular approach to an issue is constantly failing. Open your heart to one of those men you tagged foreigners. One of them may be your Adam; the one God paired you with from heaven. There is nothing as satisfying for a man or woman like finding a true soul mate, one who is a true friend, who is forever looking out for only the good sides of the person, one who never tires of giving unconditional support.
Requesting I find a Nigerian man for you will only expose you to more emotional turmoil. Being abroad, you are prone to be used as a meal ticket by most men down here. You will only end up hurting yourself more than you have been hurt already.
You can only give your child emotional stability if you are happy in your relationship. Any wrong choice and you will be a very resentful and unhappy mother to this child. For the sake of your child be careful of the mind and quality of the person you bring into your lives. Don’t do something you will end up regretting later in life.
Rather than concentrate so much effort on looking for a Nigerian man, why not concentrate on the qualities you will live with in a man? Look for a considerate man, one who has the patience to handle and love another man’s child, who will not see you as his passport to affluence, who will give you all the support to be happy, who is sincere, respectful and man enough to handle the challenge of living with a woman. These are the qualities that indelible cosmopolitan that provides the visa to the world of happiness.
Any man coming to your life must help provide the right leadership for your son to emulate. You don’t want to bring a man into your life; you will be husband to.
Open your heart to love freely. Don’t put restrictions God hasn’t imposed on you on your heart and destiny. These things are not disappointments but God’s way of nudging you to the right direction. What is of essence is for you to be happy in your marriage. Give God the chance to make you absolutely happy and contented in life.
Good Luck.
Dear Agatha,
May the good Lord continue to bless you and your household as He uses you to give hope to those that have troubled relationships as well as others like us that are experiencing heartbrokenness.
You are the only reason I visit nigeriaworld.com just to read your columns.
I’m a 30-year-old single mother of a two and a half year old boy, has never been married.
My major problem in life is that I have been unlucky in my relationships. I have never been able to secure the true love of a man.
I have lived in a foreign land for 10 years. Since coming to my host country I have never liked dating men who aren’t Nigerians. I ended the relationship I was into before coming here because the man was dating other girls. He didn’t bother to hide this fact from me when I phoned to demand explanations. His parents actually told me to move on with my life. Years after he hasn’t repented.
Leaving him forced me back into the relationship market, but hasn’t been lucky to get my true idea of a Nigerian man preferably from South-East or South-South.
Unfortunately all the kinds of men that have indicated interest in dating and marrying me, though blacks but are not foreigners.
Five years ago I met a fellow Nigerian who resides as me in Europe. We started a relationship that led to our becoming live-in lovers. Sadly, barely four months into our relationship we had fallen out of love, but we continued to live together. Along the way, I got pregnant.
To be truthful, it wasn’t a mistake because he wanted a baby desperately being 13 years older than I am. Agatha, can you imagine that after we both decided to keep the pregnancy, he suddenly remembered his ex-girlfriend back in Nigeria, same girl he condemned and vowed never to have anything to do with just to deceive me. Today they are married.
I had no choice but to break up the relationship and move on with my life. I was three months pregnant.
Since then I’ve been single. The environment I live is not helping the situation. There are very few Nigerian men here. The few around here were sponsored to this country by successful prostitutes, who lavish so much money on them.
My request from you now is whether there is anyway you can help me to meet any decent, responsible, independent, matured, loving and caring man? He should be between 31 to 42 years of age. Being tall will be a huge plus, because I like tall guys.
I’ll appreciate it if you can help me find my soul mate I’m so lonely and want to love and be loved again. Interested Nigerian man can get in touch with me through this e-mail address: ismalife004@yahoo.com.
May God fill you with more wisdom and knowledge.
A.
Dear A,
If you have spent 10 years in your host country searching for a Nigerian man with no positive results to show for it, isn’t it time you reconsidered your position? Has it ever occurred to you that you may not have been destined to marry a Nigerian man?
Have you stopped to wonder why no relationship you go into with a Nigerian man is working? Have you wondered if this is God’s way of telling you, a Nigerian man will not favour you?
That you are Nigerian doesn’t mean you must marry a Nigerian man. True love is innocent of creed, tribe, colour or nationality for that matter. Love can happen in anywhere and true love comes in packages we least expect.
As a woman, you don’t have all the time in the world. What should be of concern to you is your happiness and contentment in your marriage. Rather than focusing on the nationality of your would be husband, you should concentrate on the character of the man himself.
Patriotism has no place in marriage. While it is good to be patriotic, but when it comes to marriage love reigns supreme. What is most important is that you have a soul mate, one whose love for you is unconditional and respectful. Would you rather be lied to, deceived and hurt by a man simply because he comes from Nigeria or loved by a foreigner?
Stop hurting yourself unnecessarily before it’s too late. Remember you are today a single mother because you desired a Nigerian man who at the end of the day lied to you.
Good wisdom demands a change of tactics when a particular approach to an issue is constantly failing. Open your heart to one of those men you tagged foreigners. One of them may be your Adam; the one God paired you with from heaven. There is nothing as satisfying for a man or woman like finding a true soul mate, one who is a true friend, who is forever looking out for only the good sides of the person, one who never tires of giving unconditional support.
Requesting I find a Nigerian man for you will only expose you to more emotional turmoil. Being abroad, you are prone to be used as a meal ticket by most men down here. You will only end up hurting yourself more than you have been hurt already.
You can only give your child emotional stability if you are happy in your relationship. Any wrong choice and you will be a very resentful and unhappy mother to this child. For the sake of your child be careful of the mind and quality of the person you bring into your lives. Don’t do something you will end up regretting later in life.
Rather than concentrate so much effort on looking for a Nigerian man, why not concentrate on the qualities you will live with in a man? Look for a considerate man, one who has the patience to handle and love another man’s child, who will not see you as his passport to affluence, who will give you all the support to be happy, who is sincere, respectful and man enough to handle the challenge of living with a woman. These are the qualities that indelible cosmopolitan that provides the visa to the world of happiness.
Any man coming to your life must help provide the right leadership for your son to emulate. You don’t want to bring a man into your life; you will be husband to.
Open your heart to love freely. Don’t put restrictions God hasn’t imposed on you on your heart and destiny. These things are not disappointments but God’s way of nudging you to the right direction. What is of essence is for you to be happy in your marriage. Give God the chance to make you absolutely happy and contented in life.
Good Luck.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
My mum frowns at my plan to marry widower
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I have been reading your column for a while; May God bless you and your family. I need your advice on this. I have been in a relationship for the past three years. Recently, my boyfriend came to our house for introduction. He was welcomed by my father but my mother refused to give her blessing because he is a widower.
My mother doesn’t want me to marry a widower. Agatha, I love this man so much and he loves me too. He is so caring and considerate, remains ever attentive to my needs. What should I do since my mother hates the man I love so much?
Worried lady.
Dear Worried Lady,
What do you want to do? Ditch him because your mother doesn’t agree with your choice of a widower for a husband?
Unless there is another reason other than the one your mother is advertising as her reason, please go ahead with this man. The dream of everywoman including your mother is to have a man who is caring, considerate and attentive to her needs. If she suspects him of killing his wife, she should say so rather than denying both of you the opportunity of a lifetime of happiness together.
Your life is the issue not your mother’s, who is already happy in her husband’s life. Although she is your mother but when it comes to the issue of being happy too in a man’s house, you should be more assertive unless of course you are not convinced about the choice of man you have beside you.
What your mother is trying to do here is to stigmatise this man because he is a widower. It couldn’t have been his desire to have his wife die at the time she did.
At any rate, if the wife didn’t die, you won’t have been free to love him the way you do. He has every right to be happy all over again. Death of a spouse can come at anytime. The fact that a spouse died doesn’t mean the living spouse should not attempt happiness again.
Rather than worrying about what your mother thinks of his status, why not concentrate on finding out more about the man you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with? You are the one wearing this shoe hence must be very comfortable with its fitting. If you truly love this man, whatever your mother is saying won’t bother you especially as your father, the head of your family unit, has accepted him.
This is the angle of worry. How much do you love this man? Are you sure your love for him is enough to withstand your mother’s position? The worry here is, if your love isn’t tough enough, you may find yourself doing your mother’s bidding and end up hurting this man again who has summoned the courage to be happy again. If you leave or hurt him, you will be doing more harm to him than the death of his first wife did.
It will bring back all the memories of that past he wants to move away from by offering to share his life with you. It couldn’t have been easy for him to want to try again, not knowing what the future holds for him with you. The heart of this man is tender, hence the need to treat him with care, respect and love.
You cannot afford to treat him the way you would hurt a man who hasn’t suffered the pains of bereavement of a spouse or a cherished girlfriend before. A lot of considerations went into his choice of you; the reason you should also be very definite about him. However, you still have to keep trying to market him to your mother. You know your mother more than anybody. As her child, you know what key to turn to bring out the endless love of that mother in her. You know the expression that always got you off her hook, what to do to soften her. Use all the tools you used as a child; trust me they still work wonders because no matter how old you are, you still remain her child.
Chances are she is simply paranoid; worried that something in his life could be the reason his first wife died.
Get her to see into your heart that this is one man you are very comfortable with, one you know would give you everlasting happiness.
Assure her your life is in the hands of God and that this is the one event in your life that you have the power to decide. Don’t be rude to her; it will only complicate her acceptance of your man. Endure her opposition with dignity and understanding of her position.
Overtime, the nature of the man shall erase whatever misgiving she has about him but until then, allow her be.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I have been reading your column for a while; May God bless you and your family. I need your advice on this. I have been in a relationship for the past three years. Recently, my boyfriend came to our house for introduction. He was welcomed by my father but my mother refused to give her blessing because he is a widower.
My mother doesn’t want me to marry a widower. Agatha, I love this man so much and he loves me too. He is so caring and considerate, remains ever attentive to my needs. What should I do since my mother hates the man I love so much?
Worried lady.
Dear Worried Lady,
What do you want to do? Ditch him because your mother doesn’t agree with your choice of a widower for a husband?
Unless there is another reason other than the one your mother is advertising as her reason, please go ahead with this man. The dream of everywoman including your mother is to have a man who is caring, considerate and attentive to her needs. If she suspects him of killing his wife, she should say so rather than denying both of you the opportunity of a lifetime of happiness together.
Your life is the issue not your mother’s, who is already happy in her husband’s life. Although she is your mother but when it comes to the issue of being happy too in a man’s house, you should be more assertive unless of course you are not convinced about the choice of man you have beside you.
What your mother is trying to do here is to stigmatise this man because he is a widower. It couldn’t have been his desire to have his wife die at the time she did.
At any rate, if the wife didn’t die, you won’t have been free to love him the way you do. He has every right to be happy all over again. Death of a spouse can come at anytime. The fact that a spouse died doesn’t mean the living spouse should not attempt happiness again.
Rather than worrying about what your mother thinks of his status, why not concentrate on finding out more about the man you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with? You are the one wearing this shoe hence must be very comfortable with its fitting. If you truly love this man, whatever your mother is saying won’t bother you especially as your father, the head of your family unit, has accepted him.
This is the angle of worry. How much do you love this man? Are you sure your love for him is enough to withstand your mother’s position? The worry here is, if your love isn’t tough enough, you may find yourself doing your mother’s bidding and end up hurting this man again who has summoned the courage to be happy again. If you leave or hurt him, you will be doing more harm to him than the death of his first wife did.
It will bring back all the memories of that past he wants to move away from by offering to share his life with you. It couldn’t have been easy for him to want to try again, not knowing what the future holds for him with you. The heart of this man is tender, hence the need to treat him with care, respect and love.
You cannot afford to treat him the way you would hurt a man who hasn’t suffered the pains of bereavement of a spouse or a cherished girlfriend before. A lot of considerations went into his choice of you; the reason you should also be very definite about him. However, you still have to keep trying to market him to your mother. You know your mother more than anybody. As her child, you know what key to turn to bring out the endless love of that mother in her. You know the expression that always got you off her hook, what to do to soften her. Use all the tools you used as a child; trust me they still work wonders because no matter how old you are, you still remain her child.
Chances are she is simply paranoid; worried that something in his life could be the reason his first wife died.
Get her to see into your heart that this is one man you are very comfortable with, one you know would give you everlasting happiness.
Assure her your life is in the hands of God and that this is the one event in your life that you have the power to decide. Don’t be rude to her; it will only complicate her acceptance of your man. Endure her opposition with dignity and understanding of her position.
Overtime, the nature of the man shall erase whatever misgiving she has about him but until then, allow her be.
Good luck.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
My yellowish teeth call for dentist now…
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha
I am a regular reader of your lovely column and a great fan of yours. May God Almighty continue to strengthen you and give you good health. My problem started when I was young when my white teeth started changing to yellow. I thought it was a joke but I got it wrong.
Now I can’t look at it in the mirror because of the state of my dentition. I am really confused.
I am very handsome and have a very lovely girlfriend. I have gone to see a dentist and he told me the only solution is bleaching of my teeth and he doesn’t have the products. I live and work in Delta State and dying gradually of depression. I need your help Agatha. Help me with contacts and solution. I shall forever be grateful to you.
CY
Dear CY,
If your challenge is that of just yellow teeth and not that you have mouth odour, I am told it isn’t a serious medical condition. Although not too pleasant a sight, but you will require some level of personal confidence to manage this problem without allowing it to affect you psychologically. The moment you give people around you a reason to make you feel inferior, they will do everything and anything to ensure you never recover your dignity again; so be careful the kind of reaction you put up. Irrespective of what the colour of your teeth is, learn to build your confidence. This is important.
I am told that though nature sometime is the cause of yellow teeth but we are mostly to blame for the problem. Dentin is the layer just below the tooth’s enamel, and it has a natural yellow hue. When a person’s tooth enamel isn’t well mineralised, that is lacks the essential nutrients; the enamel becomes translucent and the yellow of the dentin shows through. This condition can often be corrected by advanced whitening techniques, which your dentist alluded to.
If your problem started when you were young, according to the dentist I spoke with on your behalf, it could be you were given large amounts of anti-biotic known as tetracycline during the period your enamel was still forming. This anti-biotic commonly used by parents to treat stomach upsets and other irritations, can cause the teeth to become yellowish brownish or grayish. It can become permanent like yours.
She continues that as people get older, teeth can become yellow from years and years of stains piercing the enamel which overtime gets thinner, allowing more of the dentin to show through and creating a yellow appearance.
Also if as a child or an adult one failed to pay the right attention to your oral hygiene, brushing regularly to rid the teeth of strains on the surface of the teeth, yellow teeth could result. And unfortunately once the enamel has been strained, it becomes a permanent condition.
Certain foods we eat can permanently stain the teeth overtime. Coffee is one of the main culprits of yellow, stained teeth. Smokers too are liable to having yellow teeth. Cigarettes contain chemicals that leave large amount of residue on smoker’s teeth. Nicotine and tar cause the worst staining. Cigarettes that have high amounts of tar and nicotine will leave teeth yellow. Some of the herbal local brews, a lot of people are taking these days, also cause the teeth to change colour because of the roots they are made from. The dyes of some of these roots can be very stubborn and almost impossible to remove from the teeth.
It is a matter of you knowing what kinds of food or drink to avoid because even if you chemically clean your teeth, you continue in your old way, overtime the teeth would still change colour.
In addition to improving your personal hygiene by brushing your teeth at least twice daily, go back to your dentist. He is in the best position to make the right recommendations for you. Let him tell you the kind of chemicals he uses to bleach the teeth back to white. If you are not satisfied you can get a second opinion from any government hospital or qualified dentist in the area you stay.
If you are not sure how to proceed, go to the general hospital nearest to you. The medical team you meet there will direct you on whom to meet.
On your own, I am told, chewing sugarless gum between brushings can also help ward off yellow teeth. Using whitening strips several times a year is a good preventive measure. Since I don’t stay in Delta State, I don’t know if there is any highbrow hospital that has a modern dentistry. If there is, and the state of your dentition too embarrassing for you to handle, you may want to consider laser bleaching. I am told it is still very expensive here.
There are also less expensive but effective chemical preparations you could try. Befriend your dentist and listen to whatever he tells you. What you need is the patience to follow through with whatever professional advice he gives you.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha
I am a regular reader of your lovely column and a great fan of yours. May God Almighty continue to strengthen you and give you good health. My problem started when I was young when my white teeth started changing to yellow. I thought it was a joke but I got it wrong.
Now I can’t look at it in the mirror because of the state of my dentition. I am really confused.
I am very handsome and have a very lovely girlfriend. I have gone to see a dentist and he told me the only solution is bleaching of my teeth and he doesn’t have the products. I live and work in Delta State and dying gradually of depression. I need your help Agatha. Help me with contacts and solution. I shall forever be grateful to you.
CY
Dear CY,
If your challenge is that of just yellow teeth and not that you have mouth odour, I am told it isn’t a serious medical condition. Although not too pleasant a sight, but you will require some level of personal confidence to manage this problem without allowing it to affect you psychologically. The moment you give people around you a reason to make you feel inferior, they will do everything and anything to ensure you never recover your dignity again; so be careful the kind of reaction you put up. Irrespective of what the colour of your teeth is, learn to build your confidence. This is important.
I am told that though nature sometime is the cause of yellow teeth but we are mostly to blame for the problem. Dentin is the layer just below the tooth’s enamel, and it has a natural yellow hue. When a person’s tooth enamel isn’t well mineralised, that is lacks the essential nutrients; the enamel becomes translucent and the yellow of the dentin shows through. This condition can often be corrected by advanced whitening techniques, which your dentist alluded to.
If your problem started when you were young, according to the dentist I spoke with on your behalf, it could be you were given large amounts of anti-biotic known as tetracycline during the period your enamel was still forming. This anti-biotic commonly used by parents to treat stomach upsets and other irritations, can cause the teeth to become yellowish brownish or grayish. It can become permanent like yours.
She continues that as people get older, teeth can become yellow from years and years of stains piercing the enamel which overtime gets thinner, allowing more of the dentin to show through and creating a yellow appearance.
Also if as a child or an adult one failed to pay the right attention to your oral hygiene, brushing regularly to rid the teeth of strains on the surface of the teeth, yellow teeth could result. And unfortunately once the enamel has been strained, it becomes a permanent condition.
Certain foods we eat can permanently stain the teeth overtime. Coffee is one of the main culprits of yellow, stained teeth. Smokers too are liable to having yellow teeth. Cigarettes contain chemicals that leave large amount of residue on smoker’s teeth. Nicotine and tar cause the worst staining. Cigarettes that have high amounts of tar and nicotine will leave teeth yellow. Some of the herbal local brews, a lot of people are taking these days, also cause the teeth to change colour because of the roots they are made from. The dyes of some of these roots can be very stubborn and almost impossible to remove from the teeth.
It is a matter of you knowing what kinds of food or drink to avoid because even if you chemically clean your teeth, you continue in your old way, overtime the teeth would still change colour.
In addition to improving your personal hygiene by brushing your teeth at least twice daily, go back to your dentist. He is in the best position to make the right recommendations for you. Let him tell you the kind of chemicals he uses to bleach the teeth back to white. If you are not satisfied you can get a second opinion from any government hospital or qualified dentist in the area you stay.
If you are not sure how to proceed, go to the general hospital nearest to you. The medical team you meet there will direct you on whom to meet.
On your own, I am told, chewing sugarless gum between brushings can also help ward off yellow teeth. Using whitening strips several times a year is a good preventive measure. Since I don’t stay in Delta State, I don’t know if there is any highbrow hospital that has a modern dentistry. If there is, and the state of your dentition too embarrassing for you to handle, you may want to consider laser bleaching. I am told it is still very expensive here.
There are also less expensive but effective chemical preparations you could try. Befriend your dentist and listen to whatever he tells you. What you need is the patience to follow through with whatever professional advice he gives you.
Good luck.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Hope masturbation has no hazard for my future?
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Thanks a lot for all you have been doing. I have a problem I cannot solve alone. It started when I was in primary school, about 16 years ago. I somehow developed likeness for masturbation. From that moment I lost the ability to concentrate on anything I’m doing because of the enjoyment I get from doing it and the anger that comes after the incident.
I have lost so many things I am supposed to have gained in life. Agatha, when is it going to stop? What is the cause of this?
Do you believe at 30, I have no girlfriend? Have never had sex with a girl in my life?
I am a successful businessman who lives alone in Lagos in my own apartment. I have all it takes to get any girl I want but I have not seen the qualities I want in a woman. Yet is that enough reason for me to continue in my habit of masturbating at my age? I have tried all the things you normally tell the people that are into this habit, but none has worked for me.
I am a devoted Christian who likes the things of God especially praising God always.
This is the major sin I indulge in and it is giving me sleepless nights. Whenever I am loaded with semen in my body system, I become reckless and sick. I don’t get better until I masturbate. It is only after then that I will behave normally. What do I do?
My question is, am I still a virgin because I am planning to marry a virgin? Is this act going to cause a problem for me in future? Am I in any way endangering my life? Is there any harm this may cause to my wife-to-be or me in future?
Donald.
Dear Donald,
If you hope to beat this habit of yours, you simply just have to marry as urgently as possible. Masturbation has become an addiction to you and like every addiction; it requires determination and practical solution to bury it.
You are finding it impossible to stop because it is always there on your mind. You can only defeat it through the mind but from what you have said, you don’t have the concomitant will to fight it.
You have become too comfortable with it; to the extent it has replaced your natural desire to be with a woman. It is the reason you are not interested in any woman, the cause of your solitary life. It isn’t natural. As it is, it would make it difficult for any woman to please you in bed. If you delay your redemption from the claws of masturbation, you may never be able to find any woman emotionally attractive enough for you.
God created man and woman to procreate and give companionship to each other. Though some medical schools of thought say there is nothing wrong in male and female adults occasionally exploring their bodies, the fact remains that when it becomes a way of life of an individual, it becomes destructive to the overall well being of the person.
Like cancer unattended to; it has eaten deep not just into your emotional but also your spiritual life. You cannot do without it even though you get angry with yourself for doing something you know is out of place. No amount of pleasure it gives you would make you identify with it in public. If you are ashamed to be associated with it despite the pleasure you get from it, how much more God? A habit you have nurtured since primary to your current age of 30 is one that has developed a very tough skin.
That you praise God and have His fear in your heart isn’t enough to help you beat this habit. It would take more than that for you to beat the habit.
You must not only know God, but also fear His wrath to be able to break bad habits. Singing His praises isn’t enough in this situation. You must first be sorry for your sole dependence on masturbation to grow the necessary determination to beat the habit.
This is why nothing seems to be working for you. It has taken the place of everything emotionally natural in your life; it has totally eclipsed your need for a woman in your life. This is the danger of your situation.
Prayer alone isn’t going to help you. You need the presence of a woman in your life urgently whose presence in your life would help to lessen the heat and dependence on yourself.
It is the natural process God has created for all living things. If lesser animals in the wild and at home follow the natural order of intimacy, why should man, the most intelligent do otherwise?
Surely there must be one or two women that have caught your attention. Ask God to lead you to the one who would make you a very good companion. Her presence would solve at least 80 percent of your emotional challenges.
Though you would from time to time have the urge to do it with yourself, but the frequency would be far apart until you totally beat it.
It would also help you a great deal if you teach the woman how to do it the way you get satisfaction from it. This is very important to your complete healing.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Thanks a lot for all you have been doing. I have a problem I cannot solve alone. It started when I was in primary school, about 16 years ago. I somehow developed likeness for masturbation. From that moment I lost the ability to concentrate on anything I’m doing because of the enjoyment I get from doing it and the anger that comes after the incident.
I have lost so many things I am supposed to have gained in life. Agatha, when is it going to stop? What is the cause of this?
Do you believe at 30, I have no girlfriend? Have never had sex with a girl in my life?
I am a successful businessman who lives alone in Lagos in my own apartment. I have all it takes to get any girl I want but I have not seen the qualities I want in a woman. Yet is that enough reason for me to continue in my habit of masturbating at my age? I have tried all the things you normally tell the people that are into this habit, but none has worked for me.
I am a devoted Christian who likes the things of God especially praising God always.
This is the major sin I indulge in and it is giving me sleepless nights. Whenever I am loaded with semen in my body system, I become reckless and sick. I don’t get better until I masturbate. It is only after then that I will behave normally. What do I do?
My question is, am I still a virgin because I am planning to marry a virgin? Is this act going to cause a problem for me in future? Am I in any way endangering my life? Is there any harm this may cause to my wife-to-be or me in future?
Donald.
Dear Donald,
If you hope to beat this habit of yours, you simply just have to marry as urgently as possible. Masturbation has become an addiction to you and like every addiction; it requires determination and practical solution to bury it.
You are finding it impossible to stop because it is always there on your mind. You can only defeat it through the mind but from what you have said, you don’t have the concomitant will to fight it.
You have become too comfortable with it; to the extent it has replaced your natural desire to be with a woman. It is the reason you are not interested in any woman, the cause of your solitary life. It isn’t natural. As it is, it would make it difficult for any woman to please you in bed. If you delay your redemption from the claws of masturbation, you may never be able to find any woman emotionally attractive enough for you.
God created man and woman to procreate and give companionship to each other. Though some medical schools of thought say there is nothing wrong in male and female adults occasionally exploring their bodies, the fact remains that when it becomes a way of life of an individual, it becomes destructive to the overall well being of the person.
Like cancer unattended to; it has eaten deep not just into your emotional but also your spiritual life. You cannot do without it even though you get angry with yourself for doing something you know is out of place. No amount of pleasure it gives you would make you identify with it in public. If you are ashamed to be associated with it despite the pleasure you get from it, how much more God? A habit you have nurtured since primary to your current age of 30 is one that has developed a very tough skin.
That you praise God and have His fear in your heart isn’t enough to help you beat this habit. It would take more than that for you to beat the habit.
You must not only know God, but also fear His wrath to be able to break bad habits. Singing His praises isn’t enough in this situation. You must first be sorry for your sole dependence on masturbation to grow the necessary determination to beat the habit.
This is why nothing seems to be working for you. It has taken the place of everything emotionally natural in your life; it has totally eclipsed your need for a woman in your life. This is the danger of your situation.
Prayer alone isn’t going to help you. You need the presence of a woman in your life urgently whose presence in your life would help to lessen the heat and dependence on yourself.
It is the natural process God has created for all living things. If lesser animals in the wild and at home follow the natural order of intimacy, why should man, the most intelligent do otherwise?
Surely there must be one or two women that have caught your attention. Ask God to lead you to the one who would make you a very good companion. Her presence would solve at least 80 percent of your emotional challenges.
Though you would from time to time have the urge to do it with yourself, but the frequency would be far apart until you totally beat it.
It would also help you a great deal if you teach the woman how to do it the way you get satisfaction from it. This is very important to your complete healing.
Good luck.
My wife is frigid
Marriage Clinic With Agatha Edo Email:gataedo@yahoo.com oragatha.edo@gmail.com08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I went through your response to a piece last week. It had to do with the man whose wife is frigid. Reading through your response, it was as if you were talking to me.
Whatever my marriage is today, my wife’s attitude to sex caused it. Right from the very first day, I met her, I didn’t hide my love for quality sex. Although we didn’t pre-empt our marital vows because I had just become born again and didn’t want to compromise on new found relationship with God, I didn’t hide the fact that I came with a lot of experience.
She too wasn’t a virgin. I didn’t mind that too. I wasn’t looking for a virgin at any rate. I desired a woman who knew her onion too. I knew myself too well that without quality sex in my marriage, no matter my will power, I would eventually capitulate to temptations. I agree totally with your submission that there are things prayers alone cannot resolve.
You can therefore imagine my helplessness when I discovered her to be so cold in bed and so beyond redemption. I have done every thing imaginable; every trick I know to make her come to life in my arms. She is forever complaining about my insensitivity to her mood.
Making love to her is a tug of war. I always feel like a rapist each time we make love.
After 18 months of trying to help her change, including buying adult films, I gave up. She said I have a perverted mind. I had to let her be especially after the birth of our only child.
For a whole year, she didn’t allow me come close to her, giving me excuses of breast-feeding the baby and her body not strong enough.
Eventually, I was forced to seek for fun outside the home; against my better judgment.
The lady happens to be an old friend. Since my plan wasn’t to bring in another woman, I told her from the beginning that I wasn’t out to marry a second wife. That I just wanted someone whom I can talk to and enjoy the essence of my adulthood with.
One thing led to another, she became pregnant. I didn’t want her to have an abortion. It is something I have never supported so I gave her the permission to have the baby if she wanted to. I knew the consequences especially if my wife gets to find out but at that moment I didn’t know what else to do. But I warned my girlfriend not to get ideas that the presence of a child changed anything between us.
She too wasn’t keen on marrying me. She actually left the country after the baby was born. She currently resides in Kenya and seems to be happy with the choice she made.
But my situation has only become worse in the home. My wife at 38, seems to have gone into menopause. I say this because she has since moved out of our room on the grounds of not wanting me to punish her with undue sexual demands. She calls me so many unprintable names simply because I want to be intimate with her. I don’t want an unwilling woman in my bed but I cannot stay without having a woman in my arms.
Agatha, for goodness sake, I am just 43. I am very virile and in need of the warmth of my wife. Her attitude has completely derailed my plans in life. I didn’t plan to have a child outside wedlock at all.
I am so disorganised and in need of counsel to help me make sense of my current situation. I don’t think I can continue like this. I married to enjoy the privilege of a married man. I am not getting it from my wife. Agatha, what do I do? Help me before I do something very stupid.
I discussed it with my pastor who says I should continue to endure the situation; that there is nothing much to sex. That once I remove my mind from it, I would go on to enjoy the other benefits of being married. If as a young woman she is unwilling to sleep with me, is it when she gets old?
I haven’t told her about my love child but sincerely, this is the least of my worry. I want a woman who is warm and loving, who knows that marriage is more than making babies but a place for a couple to be happy spiritually, physically, emotionally and materially. We don’t even communicate as a couple.
What is wrong Agatha? I need your help urgently.
Phil.
Dear Phil,
First you need to relax your nerves and emotions to avoid making more mistakes. I appreciate the emotional pains, frustration and loneliness. If it’s of any help, all these are natural. When a matured man or woman who has been used to having regular sex and who hasn’t schooled himself or herself on self-constraints, is denied sex, it could be emotionally frustrating.
Your frustration is not only that you are not getting the kind of quality sex you want but is now being denied even the crumbs you were getting. Doubtless, the situation could make you wander into the arms of not just one woman but several women. But would that really solve the problem at hand? No it won’t. Rather, it would cause many complications for you and a reputation from people who don’t appreciate what you are going through in your marriage.
Sex, is a very delicate issue. If not handled with all the maturity and openness it deserves, it can mar a lot of things in one’s life.
You are at the road where you must be strong and very prayerful to discern where the real problem is. No matter what her attitude is, make the extra effort to get her to listen to you. She is your wife, you know her more than most people. For now, don’t pressure her into making love with you for now.
Learn to draw her out of whatever shell she has moved in. Expose her to the side of you she hasn’t experienced since marrying you. Quality sex doesn’t happen from the blues. It has a natural trend - friendship. You have to train yourself to be her friend, companion and partner. It takes more than marital vows to make the magic of sex happen. It is more of trust. Both of you have to be friends first to experience intimacy, acquire the understanding of each other’s body as well as interpret the moods of the other person.
She may have gone completely cold on you because you advertised your need of sex more than your need of her as a woman, wife, friend and mother. Try to get her to understand you better. In your quest for quality sex, you may have unwittingly given her the wrong impression of what exactly you need in this marriage.
There is no way you can expect her to be happy with you when she has the impression the only reason you married her is to have unlimited access to sex. She has to be appreciated first for her to give her body to you unconditionally.
This is what you have to communicate to her. She has to grow to respect and love you as dearly as possible more than your need of her body. Anger may have made her decide to ignore you, make things emotionally difficult for you to draw your attention to her anger.
Unfortunately, you failed to decode this. Your solution has only created another problem that of explaining to your wife the presence of a child outside wedlock.
Having packed out of your matrimonial room, you need to take her out of the house, to a place where romance can be created, friendship can be established and trust planted; stop bringing home adult films or introducing your expertise on sex to your wife. She doesn’t need this now.
Taking her out is to ensure she gives you time, relax and listen to what you have to say. By the time she sees a conscious effort on your part to get into her mind rather than into her body as her husband, she would change. No woman would marry and deliberately close her body and mind to the overtures of her husband unless she has been hurt beyond measure. She isn’t a sex machine but a human being with feelings and senses. Beyond sex, what can you say about your wife, her character, attitude and disposition to life? All these are as important a part of marriage like the sex you have chosen to amplify.
By listening to her, you give her and yourself another shot at making this marriage happy. Show her you are in love with her and not in lust.
There is more to marriage. I guess this is the message your pastor is trying to pass across. Sex is very important but not when you make it the sole reason for being happy in a marriage.
By showing her you care, she would become more of a willing student. All your marriage needs is a complete change of focus by you.
And while you are trying to pick and rearrange the broken pieces, let her know about the child, best she hears from you than from another person.
Pray to God to allow you focus on your marriage properly. No one segment should be more important than the other segments. Every aspect of marriage must be delicately balanced for a couple to be happy.
Good luck
Dear Agatha,
I went through your response to a piece last week. It had to do with the man whose wife is frigid. Reading through your response, it was as if you were talking to me.
Whatever my marriage is today, my wife’s attitude to sex caused it. Right from the very first day, I met her, I didn’t hide my love for quality sex. Although we didn’t pre-empt our marital vows because I had just become born again and didn’t want to compromise on new found relationship with God, I didn’t hide the fact that I came with a lot of experience.
She too wasn’t a virgin. I didn’t mind that too. I wasn’t looking for a virgin at any rate. I desired a woman who knew her onion too. I knew myself too well that without quality sex in my marriage, no matter my will power, I would eventually capitulate to temptations. I agree totally with your submission that there are things prayers alone cannot resolve.
You can therefore imagine my helplessness when I discovered her to be so cold in bed and so beyond redemption. I have done every thing imaginable; every trick I know to make her come to life in my arms. She is forever complaining about my insensitivity to her mood.
Making love to her is a tug of war. I always feel like a rapist each time we make love.
After 18 months of trying to help her change, including buying adult films, I gave up. She said I have a perverted mind. I had to let her be especially after the birth of our only child.
For a whole year, she didn’t allow me come close to her, giving me excuses of breast-feeding the baby and her body not strong enough.
Eventually, I was forced to seek for fun outside the home; against my better judgment.
The lady happens to be an old friend. Since my plan wasn’t to bring in another woman, I told her from the beginning that I wasn’t out to marry a second wife. That I just wanted someone whom I can talk to and enjoy the essence of my adulthood with.
One thing led to another, she became pregnant. I didn’t want her to have an abortion. It is something I have never supported so I gave her the permission to have the baby if she wanted to. I knew the consequences especially if my wife gets to find out but at that moment I didn’t know what else to do. But I warned my girlfriend not to get ideas that the presence of a child changed anything between us.
She too wasn’t keen on marrying me. She actually left the country after the baby was born. She currently resides in Kenya and seems to be happy with the choice she made.
But my situation has only become worse in the home. My wife at 38, seems to have gone into menopause. I say this because she has since moved out of our room on the grounds of not wanting me to punish her with undue sexual demands. She calls me so many unprintable names simply because I want to be intimate with her. I don’t want an unwilling woman in my bed but I cannot stay without having a woman in my arms.
Agatha, for goodness sake, I am just 43. I am very virile and in need of the warmth of my wife. Her attitude has completely derailed my plans in life. I didn’t plan to have a child outside wedlock at all.
I am so disorganised and in need of counsel to help me make sense of my current situation. I don’t think I can continue like this. I married to enjoy the privilege of a married man. I am not getting it from my wife. Agatha, what do I do? Help me before I do something very stupid.
I discussed it with my pastor who says I should continue to endure the situation; that there is nothing much to sex. That once I remove my mind from it, I would go on to enjoy the other benefits of being married. If as a young woman she is unwilling to sleep with me, is it when she gets old?
I haven’t told her about my love child but sincerely, this is the least of my worry. I want a woman who is warm and loving, who knows that marriage is more than making babies but a place for a couple to be happy spiritually, physically, emotionally and materially. We don’t even communicate as a couple.
What is wrong Agatha? I need your help urgently.
Phil.
Dear Phil,
First you need to relax your nerves and emotions to avoid making more mistakes. I appreciate the emotional pains, frustration and loneliness. If it’s of any help, all these are natural. When a matured man or woman who has been used to having regular sex and who hasn’t schooled himself or herself on self-constraints, is denied sex, it could be emotionally frustrating.
Your frustration is not only that you are not getting the kind of quality sex you want but is now being denied even the crumbs you were getting. Doubtless, the situation could make you wander into the arms of not just one woman but several women. But would that really solve the problem at hand? No it won’t. Rather, it would cause many complications for you and a reputation from people who don’t appreciate what you are going through in your marriage.
Sex, is a very delicate issue. If not handled with all the maturity and openness it deserves, it can mar a lot of things in one’s life.
You are at the road where you must be strong and very prayerful to discern where the real problem is. No matter what her attitude is, make the extra effort to get her to listen to you. She is your wife, you know her more than most people. For now, don’t pressure her into making love with you for now.
Learn to draw her out of whatever shell she has moved in. Expose her to the side of you she hasn’t experienced since marrying you. Quality sex doesn’t happen from the blues. It has a natural trend - friendship. You have to train yourself to be her friend, companion and partner. It takes more than marital vows to make the magic of sex happen. It is more of trust. Both of you have to be friends first to experience intimacy, acquire the understanding of each other’s body as well as interpret the moods of the other person.
She may have gone completely cold on you because you advertised your need of sex more than your need of her as a woman, wife, friend and mother. Try to get her to understand you better. In your quest for quality sex, you may have unwittingly given her the wrong impression of what exactly you need in this marriage.
There is no way you can expect her to be happy with you when she has the impression the only reason you married her is to have unlimited access to sex. She has to be appreciated first for her to give her body to you unconditionally.
This is what you have to communicate to her. She has to grow to respect and love you as dearly as possible more than your need of her body. Anger may have made her decide to ignore you, make things emotionally difficult for you to draw your attention to her anger.
Unfortunately, you failed to decode this. Your solution has only created another problem that of explaining to your wife the presence of a child outside wedlock.
Having packed out of your matrimonial room, you need to take her out of the house, to a place where romance can be created, friendship can be established and trust planted; stop bringing home adult films or introducing your expertise on sex to your wife. She doesn’t need this now.
Taking her out is to ensure she gives you time, relax and listen to what you have to say. By the time she sees a conscious effort on your part to get into her mind rather than into her body as her husband, she would change. No woman would marry and deliberately close her body and mind to the overtures of her husband unless she has been hurt beyond measure. She isn’t a sex machine but a human being with feelings and senses. Beyond sex, what can you say about your wife, her character, attitude and disposition to life? All these are as important a part of marriage like the sex you have chosen to amplify.
By listening to her, you give her and yourself another shot at making this marriage happy. Show her you are in love with her and not in lust.
There is more to marriage. I guess this is the message your pastor is trying to pass across. Sex is very important but not when you make it the sole reason for being happy in a marriage.
By showing her you care, she would become more of a willing student. All your marriage needs is a complete change of focus by you.
And while you are trying to pick and rearrange the broken pieces, let her know about the child, best she hears from you than from another person.
Pray to God to allow you focus on your marriage properly. No one segment should be more important than the other segments. Every aspect of marriage must be delicately balanced for a couple to be happy.
Good luck
Her coming heralds era of doom in my life…
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
God’s blessing be upon you for your immensely inspired practical solutions to the many questions that come your way on wide ranging issues on relationships.
I am in a big fix about the lady I planned to marry. We have been in relationship since March 2009 or thereabout.
Two things happened in the course of our relationship and because of my previous experiences with ladies I have decided to use material prosperity at the reign of the woman in my life at any given time as the barometer in measuring the viability of the relationship.
During the course of my current relationship, I narrowly escaped being affected in a recent restructuring that took place at my office, but I lost my ID and other valuable access to allow entrance into my company’s resources.
This wasn’t enough alarm to me but I began to get worried when I asked her to accompany me to an interview venue on a Saturday. To say the least, it was the worst interview I had attended in my life despite being given two opportunities on the same day by the panel to make the right impression. I was as shocked as members of the panel at my inability to deliver. It was all so confusing to me.
Although I didn’t immediately give her the outcome of the interview, but a few days later I did. I confessed to her it was one very bad interview, the first for me. She quipped that it could have been because she went with me. I didn’t understand why she would blame herself for my poor performance. I didn’t count her statement as important then but with time I began to.
Agatha, do you think there is more to this than meets the eye? I have distanced myself from her since she also asked questions and particular dates about when other interview invites would hold including exam dates for recently enrolled postgraduate programme.
Is this lady up to something? Does she know what I do not know? We attend same church where I met her and considered her a wife material. I have decided to keep our relationship in the cooler until I am sure what I am up against. I want a woman who would add value and luck to my progress and not one that would drain my luck.
Agatha, given what I have told you, do you think this lady has a good aura or not? Help me unravel the experience behind accompanying me to an interview and my woeful performance.
Uhe
Dear Uhe,
As human beings, we have our off days; the days when nothing would work according to our expectations; when we would wonder at why a task that we know so well become almost impossible for us to do without helpful hints from people; the kind of days when it is almost impossible for us to remember correctly the alphabets that make up our names.
If one has the misfortune of attending an interview on this kind of day, there is no price for guessing what the outcome of such an interview would be. It is the day mother luck decides to take a break from everything to rest. This explains why an exceptionally bright student would fail an examination, a world acclaimed orator would make a very bad speech, an accomplished chef would cook a meal even a dog would refuse to eat or a writer would never get the first sentence right all day and night.
This has nothing to do with the aura of those around but the way life works generally.
The only thing that works on such days is to rest. Take time off to recover oneself go let off the steams, untangle the muscles tied up by stress and pressures of everyday living.
The wise thing to do is to accept the coded message of the body that it is heading towards nervous breakdown if not given time to rest. It is nature’s way of enforcing the human mind to slow down and take a well-deserved rest.
Unfortunately, not everyone can afford the luxury of resting like mother luck on those days when one doesn’t feel like doing anything. A lot of us are forced by the circumstances we find ourselves to forge ahead in spite of the signs and alarms our bodies are giving us. I am sure if you take time out to think and reflect on your state of mind, you would find out that you were far from relaxed, as you would have loved to for the interview. It could be more of the aura of your mood than the woman who accompanied you for the interview.
The fact that the interview is coming at the time you seem to be in some sorts of emotional crisis resulting from the loss of your vital documents that give you access to the company’s resources, the reality of your near retrenchment, it is only natural that you may not be at your best for this particular interview.
Sometimes too over confidence at our ability contribute to failure. A question that should have been given proper attention more often than not, is given superficial treatment because one didn’t really prepare for due to overestimations of one’s ability.
The fact that you also went for an important interview with your girlfriend underscores the seriousness you attached to the interview. You probably thought it was a work over, something you can just go to grab without much ado. No serious minded man goes into a battlefield with his woman. There is no way you would have asked her to accompany you for this interview if you actually attached a level of seriousness to it. Chances are you messed up due to overconfidence and not because this particular woman didn’t have the right kind of aura to help you. So many times, we are our own worst enemies.
For some panels, the fact that you came with a woman to an interview is enough to score you low because it points at lack of seriousness on your part. What you went for wasn’t a social function or a campaign venue; it was an important official meeting with your prospective employers and should have been treated as such. For some companies, it isn’t the formal interview that matters but the informal things that take place outside the interview room.
More often than not we translate our nature into the persons of other people around us. Granted that we must develop the spiritual alertness to survive life but we must be imbibed by spiritual maturity to know where to look for the source of our problems as well as solutions.
What is your own spiritual burden in life? If your foundational problem is the kind that is stubborn and one that wastes success or opportunities, unless a stronger force and power is applied to neutralise its potency, you will swim in and out of success.
Therefore rather than cry wolf where there is none, begin your x-ray from your family history. Check for clues in the lives of men in your family. Is there a familiar pattern when compared to what is happening to you now?
If there is, ask God for help in overcoming it and freeing yourself from the curse of your lineage.
If peculiar to you, can you remember when it started or the same mistake you seem to be making? Pay more attention to your own mistakes more than the aura of the woman in your life.
Granted, a woman can affect her man positively or negatively, but a man too has to be careful the amount of spiritual corruptions and physical mistakes he allows into his space. Mostly when a man hurts the woman in his life, especially one who is loyal and committed to him, he suffers certain repercussions. It is the way God has made things.
Besides, you wouldn’t be thinking along this line if you took time out to pray about this lady before commencing a relationship with her. The fact that you both attend the same church isn’t enough reason not to pray about your union before going into it.
Had you premised the relationship on God’s words, you won’t have any reason to doubt her or question her suitability for you as a supportive partner. However, it isn’t too late to do things right. If really things are not working for you the way it should be since she came into your life, it may be God’s way of announcing your spiritual incompatibility to each other.
You can only get to know if you really devote yourself to praying to God for His help and direction.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
God’s blessing be upon you for your immensely inspired practical solutions to the many questions that come your way on wide ranging issues on relationships.
I am in a big fix about the lady I planned to marry. We have been in relationship since March 2009 or thereabout.
Two things happened in the course of our relationship and because of my previous experiences with ladies I have decided to use material prosperity at the reign of the woman in my life at any given time as the barometer in measuring the viability of the relationship.
During the course of my current relationship, I narrowly escaped being affected in a recent restructuring that took place at my office, but I lost my ID and other valuable access to allow entrance into my company’s resources.
This wasn’t enough alarm to me but I began to get worried when I asked her to accompany me to an interview venue on a Saturday. To say the least, it was the worst interview I had attended in my life despite being given two opportunities on the same day by the panel to make the right impression. I was as shocked as members of the panel at my inability to deliver. It was all so confusing to me.
Although I didn’t immediately give her the outcome of the interview, but a few days later I did. I confessed to her it was one very bad interview, the first for me. She quipped that it could have been because she went with me. I didn’t understand why she would blame herself for my poor performance. I didn’t count her statement as important then but with time I began to.
Agatha, do you think there is more to this than meets the eye? I have distanced myself from her since she also asked questions and particular dates about when other interview invites would hold including exam dates for recently enrolled postgraduate programme.
Is this lady up to something? Does she know what I do not know? We attend same church where I met her and considered her a wife material. I have decided to keep our relationship in the cooler until I am sure what I am up against. I want a woman who would add value and luck to my progress and not one that would drain my luck.
Agatha, given what I have told you, do you think this lady has a good aura or not? Help me unravel the experience behind accompanying me to an interview and my woeful performance.
Uhe
Dear Uhe,
As human beings, we have our off days; the days when nothing would work according to our expectations; when we would wonder at why a task that we know so well become almost impossible for us to do without helpful hints from people; the kind of days when it is almost impossible for us to remember correctly the alphabets that make up our names.
If one has the misfortune of attending an interview on this kind of day, there is no price for guessing what the outcome of such an interview would be. It is the day mother luck decides to take a break from everything to rest. This explains why an exceptionally bright student would fail an examination, a world acclaimed orator would make a very bad speech, an accomplished chef would cook a meal even a dog would refuse to eat or a writer would never get the first sentence right all day and night.
This has nothing to do with the aura of those around but the way life works generally.
The only thing that works on such days is to rest. Take time off to recover oneself go let off the steams, untangle the muscles tied up by stress and pressures of everyday living.
The wise thing to do is to accept the coded message of the body that it is heading towards nervous breakdown if not given time to rest. It is nature’s way of enforcing the human mind to slow down and take a well-deserved rest.
Unfortunately, not everyone can afford the luxury of resting like mother luck on those days when one doesn’t feel like doing anything. A lot of us are forced by the circumstances we find ourselves to forge ahead in spite of the signs and alarms our bodies are giving us. I am sure if you take time out to think and reflect on your state of mind, you would find out that you were far from relaxed, as you would have loved to for the interview. It could be more of the aura of your mood than the woman who accompanied you for the interview.
The fact that the interview is coming at the time you seem to be in some sorts of emotional crisis resulting from the loss of your vital documents that give you access to the company’s resources, the reality of your near retrenchment, it is only natural that you may not be at your best for this particular interview.
Sometimes too over confidence at our ability contribute to failure. A question that should have been given proper attention more often than not, is given superficial treatment because one didn’t really prepare for due to overestimations of one’s ability.
The fact that you also went for an important interview with your girlfriend underscores the seriousness you attached to the interview. You probably thought it was a work over, something you can just go to grab without much ado. No serious minded man goes into a battlefield with his woman. There is no way you would have asked her to accompany you for this interview if you actually attached a level of seriousness to it. Chances are you messed up due to overconfidence and not because this particular woman didn’t have the right kind of aura to help you. So many times, we are our own worst enemies.
For some panels, the fact that you came with a woman to an interview is enough to score you low because it points at lack of seriousness on your part. What you went for wasn’t a social function or a campaign venue; it was an important official meeting with your prospective employers and should have been treated as such. For some companies, it isn’t the formal interview that matters but the informal things that take place outside the interview room.
More often than not we translate our nature into the persons of other people around us. Granted that we must develop the spiritual alertness to survive life but we must be imbibed by spiritual maturity to know where to look for the source of our problems as well as solutions.
What is your own spiritual burden in life? If your foundational problem is the kind that is stubborn and one that wastes success or opportunities, unless a stronger force and power is applied to neutralise its potency, you will swim in and out of success.
Therefore rather than cry wolf where there is none, begin your x-ray from your family history. Check for clues in the lives of men in your family. Is there a familiar pattern when compared to what is happening to you now?
If there is, ask God for help in overcoming it and freeing yourself from the curse of your lineage.
If peculiar to you, can you remember when it started or the same mistake you seem to be making? Pay more attention to your own mistakes more than the aura of the woman in your life.
Granted, a woman can affect her man positively or negatively, but a man too has to be careful the amount of spiritual corruptions and physical mistakes he allows into his space. Mostly when a man hurts the woman in his life, especially one who is loyal and committed to him, he suffers certain repercussions. It is the way God has made things.
Besides, you wouldn’t be thinking along this line if you took time out to pray about this lady before commencing a relationship with her. The fact that you both attend the same church isn’t enough reason not to pray about your union before going into it.
Had you premised the relationship on God’s words, you won’t have any reason to doubt her or question her suitability for you as a supportive partner. However, it isn’t too late to do things right. If really things are not working for you the way it should be since she came into your life, it may be God’s way of announcing your spiritual incompatibility to each other.
You can only get to know if you really devote yourself to praying to God for His help and direction.
Good luck.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Can marriage turn my finance around?
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Thanks for your advice when last I wrote you.
I am the first in our family and would be 36 in June. I am seriously bothered by my single status. Most of my friends, age mates and even younger brothers and cousins are all married. It’s so embarrassing as my younger brother will soon be a father.
My father has tried all he could to get me a wife but I always remain uncooperative. My attitude is due to finance. Business has not been good for sometime and I know I need a steady flow of income for me to start contemplating marriage. Many of my friends are saying that I am too averse to risk. They said that marriage is a risk worth taking and that God would provide since he ordained the first marriage in the Bible.
Agatha, is it true that some ladies bring good luck to some men after marriage? I need your reply urgently.
Worried Bachelor.
Dear Worried Bachelor,
And what if the business doesn’t pick up immediately, would you wait indefinitely?
There is nothing that is risk free in life. We are daily forced by the dynamism of life to make choices at every turn in life. Life itself is risky. The choice a baby makes from the labour room to stay alive is one of the greatest risks we make. Those babies who die at birth are those who just refuse to take a chance on this world; who didn’t want to take any risk at all.
The more we stay, the higher the demurrage we get paid for the risks we took at birth. Therefore, there is no risk we take in life that doesn’t have a compensation tied to it at the end of the day.
If we refuse to take a risk because we are afraid of the consequences of doing so, we pay the price of stagnation because we have given in to the command of fear.
There is nothing to marriage. It is as simple as breathing. Its complications come from the choice of a partner we make and not from the process of marriage itself.
Once a man or woman gets to the adult age of marriage, if not married, it becomes a real challenge to him or her.
Money isn’t all for a man to have a good marriage. Granted, it is a necessity but it doesn’t guarantee the success of a marriage. More than money, you need a woman who is full of understanding, caring, and patience, who is equally industrious, selfless, respectful, and appreciative to make a marriage work.
Rather than wait until you have the money, begin from the basis, look for the woman first. Marriages, these days, are the responsibilities of the couple, not just the man alone. A lot of wedding ceremonies are, these days, funded by both the man and woman, sometime more by the woman if her man isn’t in the best financial position to do anything. Let the woman decide that you don’t have enough money to keep her in your house, let the woman decide how much money she would need before she can make you a good wife and provide the support base you need from her.
Let the woman define what financial comfort means to her. It is not your place as the man to defeat yourself by pointing at your financial inability. If you are unable to boost your confidence how will a woman do that for you?
If you keep giving the excuse of finance, it means you are not really ready to venture into matrimony at all because from what I know of a lot of couples, only few ever have enough money in the bank when they decided to marry.
A lot of them today have more than they started out with because through the decision to marry, they unlock the key of success attached to matrimony by God.
Every marriage has its key of success. The moment a man or woman goes into matrimony, the God of sustenance steps in to offer sustainability to the couple. There may not be enough money for everything but the money needed to go from one day to the other never ceases to come in for those who know and have faith in God. This is the spiritual aspect of marriage. Because two people are not praying together, marriage attracts the presence of God to make it work at all cost. By the act of marriage a couple is reminding God of His reason and covenant for creating that institution, hence His provision when called upon.
In practical terms, two are better than one. When a man and woman combine their resources, wisdom, dreams and commitment, things are bound to work faster and better than coming from one person.
Once a man is married to his soul mate, the one ordained for him by God, things are bound to work well for the man. The problem is usually that of not waiting to hear from God before deciding on the choice of a woman for wife.
Remember a man who finds a good wife has found everything. Look for that good woman first and every thing would follow.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Thanks for your advice when last I wrote you.
I am the first in our family and would be 36 in June. I am seriously bothered by my single status. Most of my friends, age mates and even younger brothers and cousins are all married. It’s so embarrassing as my younger brother will soon be a father.
My father has tried all he could to get me a wife but I always remain uncooperative. My attitude is due to finance. Business has not been good for sometime and I know I need a steady flow of income for me to start contemplating marriage. Many of my friends are saying that I am too averse to risk. They said that marriage is a risk worth taking and that God would provide since he ordained the first marriage in the Bible.
Agatha, is it true that some ladies bring good luck to some men after marriage? I need your reply urgently.
Worried Bachelor.
Dear Worried Bachelor,
And what if the business doesn’t pick up immediately, would you wait indefinitely?
There is nothing that is risk free in life. We are daily forced by the dynamism of life to make choices at every turn in life. Life itself is risky. The choice a baby makes from the labour room to stay alive is one of the greatest risks we make. Those babies who die at birth are those who just refuse to take a chance on this world; who didn’t want to take any risk at all.
The more we stay, the higher the demurrage we get paid for the risks we took at birth. Therefore, there is no risk we take in life that doesn’t have a compensation tied to it at the end of the day.
If we refuse to take a risk because we are afraid of the consequences of doing so, we pay the price of stagnation because we have given in to the command of fear.
There is nothing to marriage. It is as simple as breathing. Its complications come from the choice of a partner we make and not from the process of marriage itself.
Once a man or woman gets to the adult age of marriage, if not married, it becomes a real challenge to him or her.
Money isn’t all for a man to have a good marriage. Granted, it is a necessity but it doesn’t guarantee the success of a marriage. More than money, you need a woman who is full of understanding, caring, and patience, who is equally industrious, selfless, respectful, and appreciative to make a marriage work.
Rather than wait until you have the money, begin from the basis, look for the woman first. Marriages, these days, are the responsibilities of the couple, not just the man alone. A lot of wedding ceremonies are, these days, funded by both the man and woman, sometime more by the woman if her man isn’t in the best financial position to do anything. Let the woman decide that you don’t have enough money to keep her in your house, let the woman decide how much money she would need before she can make you a good wife and provide the support base you need from her.
Let the woman define what financial comfort means to her. It is not your place as the man to defeat yourself by pointing at your financial inability. If you are unable to boost your confidence how will a woman do that for you?
If you keep giving the excuse of finance, it means you are not really ready to venture into matrimony at all because from what I know of a lot of couples, only few ever have enough money in the bank when they decided to marry.
A lot of them today have more than they started out with because through the decision to marry, they unlock the key of success attached to matrimony by God.
Every marriage has its key of success. The moment a man or woman goes into matrimony, the God of sustenance steps in to offer sustainability to the couple. There may not be enough money for everything but the money needed to go from one day to the other never ceases to come in for those who know and have faith in God. This is the spiritual aspect of marriage. Because two people are not praying together, marriage attracts the presence of God to make it work at all cost. By the act of marriage a couple is reminding God of His reason and covenant for creating that institution, hence His provision when called upon.
In practical terms, two are better than one. When a man and woman combine their resources, wisdom, dreams and commitment, things are bound to work faster and better than coming from one person.
Once a man is married to his soul mate, the one ordained for him by God, things are bound to work well for the man. The problem is usually that of not waiting to hear from God before deciding on the choice of a woman for wife.
Remember a man who finds a good wife has found everything. Look for that good woman first and every thing would follow.
Good luck.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Before her poor sense of grammar knocks me off…
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I wish to say thank you for your previous help. I appreciate your effort indeed. Before I met the student lady I mentioned in my first mail to you, I have been dating since 2009 a National Certificate of Education (NCE) final year student of Alvan Ikoku College of Education, Owerri, whom
I met her near my residence. She is an epitome of feminine charms and values.
My spirit is for her. There is commitment, intimacy and passion in our relationship. We love each other. She is the kind of person I would want as a wife.
However, the only snag is the academic gap between us. I am a Lawyer and a Law Officer in the Ministry of Justice, State Counsel and just obtained my Masters degree in Law (LL.M). She lacks confidence in expressing herself in the English Language.
She isn’t fluent and often makes grammatical errors on the few occasions that she spoke in English. On several occasions while we are alone, I gently and politely attempt to gradually instill confidence in her as well as teach her how to speak English but she always protests and objects owing to assumed embarrassment. I had to stop.
Recently, she told me that a prospective suitor, a Lagos-based medical practitioner, has brought drinks for introduction in accordance with tradition for her hand in marriage. This happened in January.
He intends to pay the bride price this Easter. He calls her but she doesn’t take his calls in my presence. At times, she requests me to take the calls, but I have always declined as I consider it unethical. The fact is, she met this doctor last October. Actually, the man’s mother arranged the meeting. According to my girl, the man didn’t disclose or discuss anything with her and that she didn’t even have any inkling that he was going to bring drinks to ask for her hand in marriage. She was taken unawares and cried on that day.
In order not to embarrass the man and her own family, she consented, but she barely knows this man. She lives and schools in Owerri while the man works in Lagos but they are from the same local government area. I have told her to secure admission into a university in the next academic session for better and quality education. I will engage and marry her next year. She is about 22 years of age and utterly confused and disoriented. It is clear to me that she loves me. We are afraid that we can’t let go of each other. Her trust and loyalty is torn between the doctor and I.
For now, I don’t intend to date the lady I met last January until this lady and I sought out our differences. We cry each time we are together because we are about to lose each other. We live close to each other.
Please, Agatha, what do we do? We urgently need your advice.
Jude.
Dear Jude,
If your relationship with this lady is facing threat from another man, it is because you failed to appreciate what you have. In addition, you got arrogant by your so-called qualification to have the time to consider the uniqueness of this girl.
What you failed to see in her another woman, who appreciates the qualities of this lady, saw in her and promptly recommended her to her son. While you were busy getting embarrassed by her inability to speak the kind of English you want in your woman, another man agreed to pay her bride price despite this flaw, which you have magnified as a major problem for you.
Deep down, you are not in love with her as you claim to be. If you have been dating her since 2009 and haven’t found any compelling reason to make it official, what makes you think she now has all the qualities you want in a woman? What gives you the impression that you can now cope with her academic limitations when you never seem to?
This is more about this lady than you. Doubtless she loves you and, from her reactions, desire to spend the rest of her life with you. But it is doubtful if you have the same kind of feelings for her. If you won’t dump her when she needs you the most for someone you consider better qualified academically for you.
While the doctor suitor knows that paper qualification isn’t what makes a good wife, you on the other hand must come up with your own definition of what makes a good wife to you. Until you realise what is important in a wife, you will always face this challenge.
You must be able to draw a fine line between what is practicable and what is not. That a woman is a stark illiterate doesn’t make her short on the qualities that make a good wife.
The qualification a woman needs to execute and discharge her responsibilities as a mother, wife, as well as efficient home keeper, is very different from the one she would need in her place of work. The two aren’t related at all. If you want to have a happy home, you must learn to make a clear distinction between these two qualifications.
A lot of time, what we think we want may not be what we need to be happy. Only the wise knows that often than not, our needs end up being better than what we think we want.
You must do the reconciliation between what you think you want in this lady or any other lady for that matter and the kind of woman you need in your life to be a very happy and contented man in life.
Sincerely, you have to go to God for help in making you come to this realisation. With what you have said so far, you need to do this urgently before another man takes away from you the one woman that may be the one who turns out to matter to you the most in your life.
Life doesn’t wait for anybody. It simply moves on to other things. Only the fortunate ever get a second chance to be happy and from experience once a man or woman loses that special person, it takes the extraordinary grace of God to get that kind of connection again in life.
Before it is too late, ask yourself this important question: would you ever get in one package the completeness of what you want in life? This is why manufacturers of goods are always coming up with new improved packages. As human beings, we are constantly going through metamorphosis through the help and patience of others. Our manual comes with warning about our imperfection. Hers is her inability to speak the kind of English that befits your status as state counsel even if she scores very high in the area of the raw materials you need as a man in a woman you want as your wife.
What she has is not a defect but the limit her brains can take for now. With time, if you really love her, she would improve sufficiently not to get you embarrassed.
Honestly, I would advise the girl to opt for the man whose love for her is unconditional; who is proud of her irrespective of her flaw; who appreciates her uniqueness as a woman and knows her worth as a woman. I would tell her to opt for certainty, which the other man offers her, as opposed to the uncertainty you represent.
Like I said, it isn’t about her but about what you want. You have it within your powers to stop the other man from getting the heart of the woman you love by doing the right thing. Nobody can help you develop the kind of pride that makes a man turns his back to any flaw in his woman. If you are not proud of whom she is, there is nothing any counsellor or I can do for you.
You must appreciate that the qualification a woman needs to be a wife is the qualification the school of life offers her. No matter how impressive a woman’s formal education qualification may be, if the school of life scores her a failure on the important things of life, she would never have the intelligence, patience, wisdom, tolerance, respect, humility, fear of God and maturity to run her home successfully. When a woman is humble and patience, she has the best of everything to make her man happy.
These are qualifications a wise man looks out for in a woman he wants to marry which the doctor must have found in this girl to beat you to making formal his interest in her.
Ask for the grace of God to urgently help open your mind to what is important in life, to what you really need and not want.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I wish to say thank you for your previous help. I appreciate your effort indeed. Before I met the student lady I mentioned in my first mail to you, I have been dating since 2009 a National Certificate of Education (NCE) final year student of Alvan Ikoku College of Education, Owerri, whom
I met her near my residence. She is an epitome of feminine charms and values.
My spirit is for her. There is commitment, intimacy and passion in our relationship. We love each other. She is the kind of person I would want as a wife.
However, the only snag is the academic gap between us. I am a Lawyer and a Law Officer in the Ministry of Justice, State Counsel and just obtained my Masters degree in Law (LL.M). She lacks confidence in expressing herself in the English Language.
She isn’t fluent and often makes grammatical errors on the few occasions that she spoke in English. On several occasions while we are alone, I gently and politely attempt to gradually instill confidence in her as well as teach her how to speak English but she always protests and objects owing to assumed embarrassment. I had to stop.
Recently, she told me that a prospective suitor, a Lagos-based medical practitioner, has brought drinks for introduction in accordance with tradition for her hand in marriage. This happened in January.
He intends to pay the bride price this Easter. He calls her but she doesn’t take his calls in my presence. At times, she requests me to take the calls, but I have always declined as I consider it unethical. The fact is, she met this doctor last October. Actually, the man’s mother arranged the meeting. According to my girl, the man didn’t disclose or discuss anything with her and that she didn’t even have any inkling that he was going to bring drinks to ask for her hand in marriage. She was taken unawares and cried on that day.
In order not to embarrass the man and her own family, she consented, but she barely knows this man. She lives and schools in Owerri while the man works in Lagos but they are from the same local government area. I have told her to secure admission into a university in the next academic session for better and quality education. I will engage and marry her next year. She is about 22 years of age and utterly confused and disoriented. It is clear to me that she loves me. We are afraid that we can’t let go of each other. Her trust and loyalty is torn between the doctor and I.
For now, I don’t intend to date the lady I met last January until this lady and I sought out our differences. We cry each time we are together because we are about to lose each other. We live close to each other.
Please, Agatha, what do we do? We urgently need your advice.
Jude.
Dear Jude,
If your relationship with this lady is facing threat from another man, it is because you failed to appreciate what you have. In addition, you got arrogant by your so-called qualification to have the time to consider the uniqueness of this girl.
What you failed to see in her another woman, who appreciates the qualities of this lady, saw in her and promptly recommended her to her son. While you were busy getting embarrassed by her inability to speak the kind of English you want in your woman, another man agreed to pay her bride price despite this flaw, which you have magnified as a major problem for you.
Deep down, you are not in love with her as you claim to be. If you have been dating her since 2009 and haven’t found any compelling reason to make it official, what makes you think she now has all the qualities you want in a woman? What gives you the impression that you can now cope with her academic limitations when you never seem to?
This is more about this lady than you. Doubtless she loves you and, from her reactions, desire to spend the rest of her life with you. But it is doubtful if you have the same kind of feelings for her. If you won’t dump her when she needs you the most for someone you consider better qualified academically for you.
While the doctor suitor knows that paper qualification isn’t what makes a good wife, you on the other hand must come up with your own definition of what makes a good wife to you. Until you realise what is important in a wife, you will always face this challenge.
You must be able to draw a fine line between what is practicable and what is not. That a woman is a stark illiterate doesn’t make her short on the qualities that make a good wife.
The qualification a woman needs to execute and discharge her responsibilities as a mother, wife, as well as efficient home keeper, is very different from the one she would need in her place of work. The two aren’t related at all. If you want to have a happy home, you must learn to make a clear distinction between these two qualifications.
A lot of time, what we think we want may not be what we need to be happy. Only the wise knows that often than not, our needs end up being better than what we think we want.
You must do the reconciliation between what you think you want in this lady or any other lady for that matter and the kind of woman you need in your life to be a very happy and contented man in life.
Sincerely, you have to go to God for help in making you come to this realisation. With what you have said so far, you need to do this urgently before another man takes away from you the one woman that may be the one who turns out to matter to you the most in your life.
Life doesn’t wait for anybody. It simply moves on to other things. Only the fortunate ever get a second chance to be happy and from experience once a man or woman loses that special person, it takes the extraordinary grace of God to get that kind of connection again in life.
Before it is too late, ask yourself this important question: would you ever get in one package the completeness of what you want in life? This is why manufacturers of goods are always coming up with new improved packages. As human beings, we are constantly going through metamorphosis through the help and patience of others. Our manual comes with warning about our imperfection. Hers is her inability to speak the kind of English that befits your status as state counsel even if she scores very high in the area of the raw materials you need as a man in a woman you want as your wife.
What she has is not a defect but the limit her brains can take for now. With time, if you really love her, she would improve sufficiently not to get you embarrassed.
Honestly, I would advise the girl to opt for the man whose love for her is unconditional; who is proud of her irrespective of her flaw; who appreciates her uniqueness as a woman and knows her worth as a woman. I would tell her to opt for certainty, which the other man offers her, as opposed to the uncertainty you represent.
Like I said, it isn’t about her but about what you want. You have it within your powers to stop the other man from getting the heart of the woman you love by doing the right thing. Nobody can help you develop the kind of pride that makes a man turns his back to any flaw in his woman. If you are not proud of whom she is, there is nothing any counsellor or I can do for you.
You must appreciate that the qualification a woman needs to be a wife is the qualification the school of life offers her. No matter how impressive a woman’s formal education qualification may be, if the school of life scores her a failure on the important things of life, she would never have the intelligence, patience, wisdom, tolerance, respect, humility, fear of God and maturity to run her home successfully. When a woman is humble and patience, she has the best of everything to make her man happy.
These are qualifications a wise man looks out for in a woman he wants to marry which the doctor must have found in this girl to beat you to making formal his interest in her.
Ask for the grace of God to urgently help open your mind to what is important in life, to what you really need and not want.
Good luck.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Many men loitering round her makes me kick…
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am one of your readers, 23 years of age in a relationship with a lady, who is 22 years of age. I love her a lot, but my problem is that she has too many male friends; some do take her out. I have not asked her about all these. In December last year, I was forced by her attitude to quit the relationship. This followed my sighting her with a man at a restaurant. I still didn’t tell her my reason for opting out.
She however called to plead that we meet to put things right in our relationship. But through out the month of January, I couldn’t get through to her on the phone. In annoyance, I deleted her number from my cell phone.
In February she flashed me with another number. I called the number and she told me she is back online, that she would like us to plan our relationship.
I didn’t complain instead, I obliged her request even though I had earlier decided against seeing her.
Though she apologised for her misconduct, but there is still a question bothering me. It has to do with her virginity. I am not sure about her state anymore, considering the number of men around her. But I am being cautioned by my mind not to ask her the question. I am a very jealous person.
I don’t like the way men flock around her. I am not satisfied with her apology.
Agatha, do you think she is worthy of my love? All I want is a woman that will impact on my life positively. I don’t want a woman that is too demanding. I want someone I can share my thoughts of the future with and who will be part of my life. Do you think this lady is worth my time? She has never told me she loves me since we started dating.
Ogbuefi Jnr.
Dear Ogbuefi Jnr.,
Communication is a powerful tool of enhancing a relationship. No two people can walk together in harmony and understanding without talking about issues they have no comprehension of.
In the first place, both of you are strangers, from different families, cultures, temperaments, moral views and attitudes. It would take a long time for all these differences to be merged and for both of you to acquire the kind of appreciation of each other. Even old marriages are still daily going through adjustments and we never really get it all right until we breathe our last breath.
Given the ages you both are, this is understandable. You both have a long way to go. At your ages, jealousy, girls and boys are still the order of the day. At 23, she is at her prime, most attractive when all the men appear to be interested in her. It is natural for you to be jealous as most of these men have the means to entertain her in places you only wish to take her to.
If you are jealous, it is natural but you have to moderate it else you end up doing something you would later regret.
Jealousy, if not checked, can be very destructive with no remedy.
What you should do to ensure you are not holding the wrong side of the candle is to come out with your observations as well as your fears concerning her morals. Don’t be ashamed to voice what you have seen and your conclusions. By letting her know, you are giving her the benefit of doubt by offering her the opportunity to explain who these men are, her business with them and the nature of her relationship with those you have seen her with at restaurants, you demonstrate understanding that life offers a podium for every kind of interactions; that men and women come together for different reasons other than romance.
Irrespective of what the outcome of this relationship may be, you must grow the maturity this early; that things are usually not what they seem from afar. Unless you plan to go through life challenging every man that comes in contact with your woman, develop the maturity to be thorough in whatever you do.
Make up your mind on what to do if after confronting her with all the allegations you are not satisfied with. But if she begged you to forgive her, it means there is an acknowledgment that she did something she should be sorry for.
Life generally treats us better if we learn to let go of many things. Holding on to issues you should ordinarily forget never allows one get the full perspective of life. Life is a balance of the good, the bad, the ugly and beautiful.
Because we are all imperfect before God, we must learn to understand the imperfection of people around us as announcement of our own weaknesses. Do what you feel is right for you and the situation you can cope with.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am one of your readers, 23 years of age in a relationship with a lady, who is 22 years of age. I love her a lot, but my problem is that she has too many male friends; some do take her out. I have not asked her about all these. In December last year, I was forced by her attitude to quit the relationship. This followed my sighting her with a man at a restaurant. I still didn’t tell her my reason for opting out.
She however called to plead that we meet to put things right in our relationship. But through out the month of January, I couldn’t get through to her on the phone. In annoyance, I deleted her number from my cell phone.
In February she flashed me with another number. I called the number and she told me she is back online, that she would like us to plan our relationship.
I didn’t complain instead, I obliged her request even though I had earlier decided against seeing her.
Though she apologised for her misconduct, but there is still a question bothering me. It has to do with her virginity. I am not sure about her state anymore, considering the number of men around her. But I am being cautioned by my mind not to ask her the question. I am a very jealous person.
I don’t like the way men flock around her. I am not satisfied with her apology.
Agatha, do you think she is worthy of my love? All I want is a woman that will impact on my life positively. I don’t want a woman that is too demanding. I want someone I can share my thoughts of the future with and who will be part of my life. Do you think this lady is worth my time? She has never told me she loves me since we started dating.
Ogbuefi Jnr.
Dear Ogbuefi Jnr.,
Communication is a powerful tool of enhancing a relationship. No two people can walk together in harmony and understanding without talking about issues they have no comprehension of.
In the first place, both of you are strangers, from different families, cultures, temperaments, moral views and attitudes. It would take a long time for all these differences to be merged and for both of you to acquire the kind of appreciation of each other. Even old marriages are still daily going through adjustments and we never really get it all right until we breathe our last breath.
Given the ages you both are, this is understandable. You both have a long way to go. At your ages, jealousy, girls and boys are still the order of the day. At 23, she is at her prime, most attractive when all the men appear to be interested in her. It is natural for you to be jealous as most of these men have the means to entertain her in places you only wish to take her to.
If you are jealous, it is natural but you have to moderate it else you end up doing something you would later regret.
Jealousy, if not checked, can be very destructive with no remedy.
What you should do to ensure you are not holding the wrong side of the candle is to come out with your observations as well as your fears concerning her morals. Don’t be ashamed to voice what you have seen and your conclusions. By letting her know, you are giving her the benefit of doubt by offering her the opportunity to explain who these men are, her business with them and the nature of her relationship with those you have seen her with at restaurants, you demonstrate understanding that life offers a podium for every kind of interactions; that men and women come together for different reasons other than romance.
Irrespective of what the outcome of this relationship may be, you must grow the maturity this early; that things are usually not what they seem from afar. Unless you plan to go through life challenging every man that comes in contact with your woman, develop the maturity to be thorough in whatever you do.
Make up your mind on what to do if after confronting her with all the allegations you are not satisfied with. But if she begged you to forgive her, it means there is an acknowledgment that she did something she should be sorry for.
Life generally treats us better if we learn to let go of many things. Holding on to issues you should ordinarily forget never allows one get the full perspective of life. Life is a balance of the good, the bad, the ugly and beautiful.
Because we are all imperfect before God, we must learn to understand the imperfection of people around us as announcement of our own weaknesses. Do what you feel is right for you and the situation you can cope with.
Good luck.
How do I raise good family?
Dear Agatha,
The good Lord will remain your Shepherd as you restore families.
Please, I want to find out what it takes to keep or raise a wonderful family. It beats my imagination when I read or hear about marriages of nine or even 20 years suing for divorce. What possible actions/decisions are there to keep one’s marriage “fireproof”? Divorce can never be a solution to any marriage unless there was no sincerity from the onset.
Curiosity.
Dear Curiosity,
Marriage is a journey of complexities, uncertainty and one that requires patience that comes from a heart willing to make huge sacrifices for the other person.
It is more of a journey that makes the other person happy and not what makes you happy.
Marriage is certainly not about self but more of the person you have made up your mind to share life with. Unfortunately, a lot of couples go into it with the little or no knowledge of what is in stock for them because of draught of quality information on what marriage is all about.
Generally, marriage is conceived as a journey of romance, freedom and indulgences to do as one pleases. For so many ladies, marriage represents a passport to escape rules, rigidity of parents as entrance into the elite club of married women.
Not many couples getting married actually give too much thought to the bitter side of marriage. Subconsciously, they have etched at the back of their minds the ever-happy notion romance books are filled with.
Unfortunately, there is nothing ever happy about marriage, especially in those nascent hours, when the challenge of centralising interest, dreams and expectations, appear to overwhelm.
In those confused moments of broken dreams, a lot of couples experience huge disillusions, some so deep it creates permanent scar in the infant marriage.
Due to inexperience and lack of formal education on what marriage is really about, a lot of couples become so disappointed that they begin to trade blames, which eventually lead to the divorce option for those who cannot cope with the anticlimax their marriages have become.
It isn’t until later in life that many couples that hastily went in for divorces come to the realisation that marriage like all natural processes of life requires absolute patience to make it work.
But this appreciation of what marriage really is comes too late in the day when costly and unpardonable mistakes would have been made and a lot of complications follow any attempt to redeem that, which has been lost.
To have a workable marriage, both parties must appreciate from the very beginning that it is not a rudderless ship. Someone has to be in charge, take responsibilities and be the final clearinghouse for every other person in the marriage. God has placed the authority of the home on the man and this is unequivocal. No matter the economical prosperity of the woman, her family status, her level of education and exposure, the moments she decides to give up her maiden name for the family name of the man in her life, she signs away so many things, her right to first choice as well as the independence of mind to make a choice without consulting.
In return, the man has to learn to be a team player and considerate of the feelings of his partner at all times. Even though God has placed a man in charge of the home, he should resist playing the boss if he hopes to get the support of his wife and children. Only a man who is a leader in his home ends up with a very supportive wife and understanding children. Respect is reciprocal. A man who accords his wife respect can be assured of her undying respect and love even when he misbehaves. A woman who is friends with her husband is most likely to forgive her husband of the worst offence a man can commit against his marriage than a woman who has a bossy and rude husband.
When a man knows how to court the friendship and confidence of his spouse, he can do no wrong in the sight of the woman because he has earned her trust and loyalty by his decision to carry her along as a friend. This is why a man who plans to marry must not make looks his premium reason for marrying a woman. He should rather, take time and courage to look behind what she looks like to who she really is. He must brave public opinion, ignore what his family or friends think about her looks to her hidden beauty because at the end of the day, this inner beauty is what matters the most. A woman who has a beautiful face, but is ill tempered, lacking in respect and lacks the patience to help her husband grow his dreams would definitely not give the man the kind of peace and happiness he needs to be on top of his game.
The same rule applies to the woman. Every woman interested in the day after the wedding; when reality gives way to expectations must begin the process from the very day she makes up her mind to marry. Marriage is not motored by the looks of a man, the size of his wallet or family history but by the person the man really is. Marriage, to an inconsiderate handsome and rich man, would not last more than the moment it took the couple to sign the marriage registers.
This is because the woman, no matter how deeply she thinks she is in love with the man, would soon get tired of being treated shabbily by her husband. Most women may not realise it especially those who consider themselves too long on the shelf, it is better to marry a poor but considerate man than to marry one who is rich but brash and insensitive.
Often than not, the success or otherwise of a relationship is determined long before the actual wedding. A persistent unpleasant set of behaviour can completely erase the very thin line between love and hate. A man or woman may wake one day to discover that once pleasant feeling of love for his or her spouse has turned to hatred without knowing how and when it happened. This is why some couples end up killing the person they swore before the world to love and cherish in blood cold murder.
Honesty at one’s elasticity ability is also important. Women are often the guilty ones when it comes to this. A lot of time, a woman desperate to marry pretends not to notice very intolerable aspects of her man’s behaviour and consoles herself with the notion of changing him once married. Women who have done this, end up with regrets because when they begin to complain about those aspects of their husbands’ behaviour, the question is usually, didn’t you notice these aspects of him before agreeing to marry him?
A habit not checked early in a relationship is as good as being permanent. For any marriage to be successful, men and women should learn to complain early about those attitudes or character exhibitions they are not comfortable with from the beginning. This way the defaulting partner, is warned to either moderate his or her attitude to avoid losing the respect and love of the partner.
Although this is increasingly becoming difficult for couples to do especially the men, it saves a lot of headache when both parties know how much they have between them. This way a man is free of the burden of having to explain to his wife repeatedly about his lack of money at any given time. He makes it easy for his peace of mind by constantly updating her on his finances.
Most marriages have suffered undue pressures and breakups because the man refused to declare his financial earnings to his wife who in turn thinks he has more than he actually has. A lot of women in this kind of marriage end up making the home unbearable until the man is forced into the hands of another woman.
The key is just for the man to make his financial status as visible as possible to his wife. When it comes to money and doubts as to where the man is spending his money, even the most rational woman can become a monster when she suspects her man maybe spending his extra money on other women.
When a man is so secretive about his earnings, it creates problems that should not arise in the first place in the marriage.
Every marriage needs prayers, determination, patience, commitment and sacrifices to make it work.
Once all these are in place, divorce will never be an option even when the storms become fearsome.
Good luck
The good Lord will remain your Shepherd as you restore families.
Please, I want to find out what it takes to keep or raise a wonderful family. It beats my imagination when I read or hear about marriages of nine or even 20 years suing for divorce. What possible actions/decisions are there to keep one’s marriage “fireproof”? Divorce can never be a solution to any marriage unless there was no sincerity from the onset.
Curiosity.
Dear Curiosity,
Marriage is a journey of complexities, uncertainty and one that requires patience that comes from a heart willing to make huge sacrifices for the other person.
It is more of a journey that makes the other person happy and not what makes you happy.
Marriage is certainly not about self but more of the person you have made up your mind to share life with. Unfortunately, a lot of couples go into it with the little or no knowledge of what is in stock for them because of draught of quality information on what marriage is all about.
Generally, marriage is conceived as a journey of romance, freedom and indulgences to do as one pleases. For so many ladies, marriage represents a passport to escape rules, rigidity of parents as entrance into the elite club of married women.
Not many couples getting married actually give too much thought to the bitter side of marriage. Subconsciously, they have etched at the back of their minds the ever-happy notion romance books are filled with.
Unfortunately, there is nothing ever happy about marriage, especially in those nascent hours, when the challenge of centralising interest, dreams and expectations, appear to overwhelm.
In those confused moments of broken dreams, a lot of couples experience huge disillusions, some so deep it creates permanent scar in the infant marriage.
Due to inexperience and lack of formal education on what marriage is really about, a lot of couples become so disappointed that they begin to trade blames, which eventually lead to the divorce option for those who cannot cope with the anticlimax their marriages have become.
It isn’t until later in life that many couples that hastily went in for divorces come to the realisation that marriage like all natural processes of life requires absolute patience to make it work.
But this appreciation of what marriage really is comes too late in the day when costly and unpardonable mistakes would have been made and a lot of complications follow any attempt to redeem that, which has been lost.
To have a workable marriage, both parties must appreciate from the very beginning that it is not a rudderless ship. Someone has to be in charge, take responsibilities and be the final clearinghouse for every other person in the marriage. God has placed the authority of the home on the man and this is unequivocal. No matter the economical prosperity of the woman, her family status, her level of education and exposure, the moments she decides to give up her maiden name for the family name of the man in her life, she signs away so many things, her right to first choice as well as the independence of mind to make a choice without consulting.
In return, the man has to learn to be a team player and considerate of the feelings of his partner at all times. Even though God has placed a man in charge of the home, he should resist playing the boss if he hopes to get the support of his wife and children. Only a man who is a leader in his home ends up with a very supportive wife and understanding children. Respect is reciprocal. A man who accords his wife respect can be assured of her undying respect and love even when he misbehaves. A woman who is friends with her husband is most likely to forgive her husband of the worst offence a man can commit against his marriage than a woman who has a bossy and rude husband.
When a man knows how to court the friendship and confidence of his spouse, he can do no wrong in the sight of the woman because he has earned her trust and loyalty by his decision to carry her along as a friend. This is why a man who plans to marry must not make looks his premium reason for marrying a woman. He should rather, take time and courage to look behind what she looks like to who she really is. He must brave public opinion, ignore what his family or friends think about her looks to her hidden beauty because at the end of the day, this inner beauty is what matters the most. A woman who has a beautiful face, but is ill tempered, lacking in respect and lacks the patience to help her husband grow his dreams would definitely not give the man the kind of peace and happiness he needs to be on top of his game.
The same rule applies to the woman. Every woman interested in the day after the wedding; when reality gives way to expectations must begin the process from the very day she makes up her mind to marry. Marriage is not motored by the looks of a man, the size of his wallet or family history but by the person the man really is. Marriage, to an inconsiderate handsome and rich man, would not last more than the moment it took the couple to sign the marriage registers.
This is because the woman, no matter how deeply she thinks she is in love with the man, would soon get tired of being treated shabbily by her husband. Most women may not realise it especially those who consider themselves too long on the shelf, it is better to marry a poor but considerate man than to marry one who is rich but brash and insensitive.
Often than not, the success or otherwise of a relationship is determined long before the actual wedding. A persistent unpleasant set of behaviour can completely erase the very thin line between love and hate. A man or woman may wake one day to discover that once pleasant feeling of love for his or her spouse has turned to hatred without knowing how and when it happened. This is why some couples end up killing the person they swore before the world to love and cherish in blood cold murder.
Honesty at one’s elasticity ability is also important. Women are often the guilty ones when it comes to this. A lot of time, a woman desperate to marry pretends not to notice very intolerable aspects of her man’s behaviour and consoles herself with the notion of changing him once married. Women who have done this, end up with regrets because when they begin to complain about those aspects of their husbands’ behaviour, the question is usually, didn’t you notice these aspects of him before agreeing to marry him?
A habit not checked early in a relationship is as good as being permanent. For any marriage to be successful, men and women should learn to complain early about those attitudes or character exhibitions they are not comfortable with from the beginning. This way the defaulting partner, is warned to either moderate his or her attitude to avoid losing the respect and love of the partner.
Although this is increasingly becoming difficult for couples to do especially the men, it saves a lot of headache when both parties know how much they have between them. This way a man is free of the burden of having to explain to his wife repeatedly about his lack of money at any given time. He makes it easy for his peace of mind by constantly updating her on his finances.
Most marriages have suffered undue pressures and breakups because the man refused to declare his financial earnings to his wife who in turn thinks he has more than he actually has. A lot of women in this kind of marriage end up making the home unbearable until the man is forced into the hands of another woman.
The key is just for the man to make his financial status as visible as possible to his wife. When it comes to money and doubts as to where the man is spending his money, even the most rational woman can become a monster when she suspects her man maybe spending his extra money on other women.
When a man is so secretive about his earnings, it creates problems that should not arise in the first place in the marriage.
Every marriage needs prayers, determination, patience, commitment and sacrifices to make it work.
Once all these are in place, divorce will never be an option even when the storms become fearsome.
Good luck
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Complete dossier on relationship please
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
How can one begin a relationship? How can a relationship be defined to one’s partner? How can it be maintained?
Worried Mind.
Dear Worried Mind,
There are many ways to begin a relationship but the best approach remains friendship. This is like the manure that nurtures the friendship to full maturity. Any relationship that is bereft of friendship is like an empty shell. Friendship is what strings together and weaves all the emotions mankind goes through together in a relationship. It adds colour, moderates emotions, collapses differences and provides a level playground for both parties to face the challenge of building the union.
Friendship and not love must be the basis for two people coming together. It is the only emotion that has the powers to heal and restore hope in seemingly hopeless situations.
Besides it is the only emotion that lasts forever and has the ability to endure all the different stages that a relationship must pass through before it finally berths. It is what adds elasticity to whatever we know as a relationship because of its incredible ability to forgive any offence committed against it.
When you see a woman you like, don’t make the mistake a lot of men make by claiming to love her. Simply say I want to be your friend; it means you care and sensitive to her feelings as a woman. It also means respect for her person as well as a desire to give both of you a fair chance to know each other before thinking of anything permanent.
It tells the woman that the man is sincere and not after her body.
Relationship is best defined to one’s partner through actions than words, because a lot of time what we say is different from what we do. Many a time there is a disconnection between what we say is the ideal and what we actually do.
But if we give the right examples through our own considerations, tolerance and appreciation of the other person, we give not only security to the other person but also assurances too that we are always available for dialogue at any given time.
The willingness and ability of dating partners to throw all their cards on the table also go a long way in drawing them out to share information about their stories, fears and hope. It also encourages them to plan as a team.
Once they are able to entrust each other with detailed information about each other, it becomes difficult for anybody to come between them just as they are able to help each other grow strong in their individual dreams through unconditional support.
In addition, effective power of communication helps to throw light on those little but very important things that matter to the other person. It adds extra brilliance to a relationship when couples can tell with accuracy the favourite colour, relaxation spot, kind of treats their partners like.
In this kind of relationship, words will only complement what they already know is true of their feelings for each other.
Honesty and devotion to one’s partner are the ways a relationship can be maintained.
When a relationship is devoid of suspicion, trust is easy to build than in a relationship where the couple hides vital information from each other. A couple must be able, without consulting the other person, say one or two things about the character and life of his or her partner.
Like a well kept garden, a couple must constantly devote time to and for each other, revisit their grey areas as often as possible with a view of ensuring it becomes green, offer compliments when a good deed is done as well as offer encouragement when the deed isn’t good enough.
Pleasantness, respect and responsibility are other issues that must not be ignored if a relationship is to stand the test of time.
Above all a couple must be able to copyright its relationship. Any attempt by a couple to fashion its relationship after another couple’s relationship, complications are bound to rise. Individualising a relationship to meet the needs and expectations of the two people involved makes for good maintenance.
Importantly, a couple must learn to pray together.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
How can one begin a relationship? How can a relationship be defined to one’s partner? How can it be maintained?
Worried Mind.
Dear Worried Mind,
There are many ways to begin a relationship but the best approach remains friendship. This is like the manure that nurtures the friendship to full maturity. Any relationship that is bereft of friendship is like an empty shell. Friendship is what strings together and weaves all the emotions mankind goes through together in a relationship. It adds colour, moderates emotions, collapses differences and provides a level playground for both parties to face the challenge of building the union.
Friendship and not love must be the basis for two people coming together. It is the only emotion that has the powers to heal and restore hope in seemingly hopeless situations.
Besides it is the only emotion that lasts forever and has the ability to endure all the different stages that a relationship must pass through before it finally berths. It is what adds elasticity to whatever we know as a relationship because of its incredible ability to forgive any offence committed against it.
When you see a woman you like, don’t make the mistake a lot of men make by claiming to love her. Simply say I want to be your friend; it means you care and sensitive to her feelings as a woman. It also means respect for her person as well as a desire to give both of you a fair chance to know each other before thinking of anything permanent.
It tells the woman that the man is sincere and not after her body.
Relationship is best defined to one’s partner through actions than words, because a lot of time what we say is different from what we do. Many a time there is a disconnection between what we say is the ideal and what we actually do.
But if we give the right examples through our own considerations, tolerance and appreciation of the other person, we give not only security to the other person but also assurances too that we are always available for dialogue at any given time.
The willingness and ability of dating partners to throw all their cards on the table also go a long way in drawing them out to share information about their stories, fears and hope. It also encourages them to plan as a team.
Once they are able to entrust each other with detailed information about each other, it becomes difficult for anybody to come between them just as they are able to help each other grow strong in their individual dreams through unconditional support.
In addition, effective power of communication helps to throw light on those little but very important things that matter to the other person. It adds extra brilliance to a relationship when couples can tell with accuracy the favourite colour, relaxation spot, kind of treats their partners like.
In this kind of relationship, words will only complement what they already know is true of their feelings for each other.
Honesty and devotion to one’s partner are the ways a relationship can be maintained.
When a relationship is devoid of suspicion, trust is easy to build than in a relationship where the couple hides vital information from each other. A couple must be able, without consulting the other person, say one or two things about the character and life of his or her partner.
Like a well kept garden, a couple must constantly devote time to and for each other, revisit their grey areas as often as possible with a view of ensuring it becomes green, offer compliments when a good deed is done as well as offer encouragement when the deed isn’t good enough.
Pleasantness, respect and responsibility are other issues that must not be ignored if a relationship is to stand the test of time.
Above all a couple must be able to copyright its relationship. Any attempt by a couple to fashion its relationship after another couple’s relationship, complications are bound to rise. Individualising a relationship to meet the needs and expectations of the two people involved makes for good maintenance.
Importantly, a couple must learn to pray together.
Good luck.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
He wants me to leave if…
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
My boyfriend is behaving strangely. I am honestly getting fed up with him because I cannot place my fingers on what the matter is really.
He has told me severally that it is over between us; lacks respect for me, insults my family at will and above all lacks the courtesy to apologise yet he expects me to always tell him I am sorry whenever I offend him.
I have tried correcting him on this habit but he insists if I am not pleased with his character, I have the liberty to leave him for another guy. I am really confused because he has done so much and I don’t want to be an ingrate but he has changed so much from the person I used to know. I guess he is tired of the relationship.
Please advise me.
Bunmi.
Dear Bunmi,
It’s obvious that your once ideal man is tired of the relationship. Having told you severally that he wants you out of his life without you taking the hint to leave him alone, he decided to act it so you would know he is serious.
His behaviour would continue to depreciate until you are forced to do as he said.
This is deliberate. He is pushing you to the limit of your resistance knowing that when he insults you, your family members, treats you with no respect at all, your pride would eventually compel you into quitting the relationship.
You have done enough staying; at this stage nobody, he least of all, can accuse you of being an ingrate. The longer you stay with a man who is clearly not interested in how he treats you or the amount of insults he packs into his dealings with you as long as he gets what he wants the more ridicule you bring to yourself.
That he has lost every shed of respect for you is underscored by the inclusion of your family in the dispensation of his menu of insult.
It also points to something you may have done to him. Can you pinpoint the exact point he changed from loving to cruelty? Was there something he kept complaining about in your person or character but which you simply ignored?
Knowing where you went wrong would help prevent a re-occurrence in your future relationships. A lot of times certain things we count as being unimportant are the very things that end up torpedoing our happiness in life.
There is no way his change would have been so dramatic without your help. Even if you are unable to tell anybody how you conducted this relationship to this pitiable position, do yourself a world of good by admitting to your mistakes as well as limitations as a person.
Even if he takes you back by a stroke of miracle, if you don’t change your attitude, the same thing would happen all over again so it is in your interest you also examine your own faults with a view of helping yourself find happiness later in life.
If you remember the exact point he began to change, the events that characterised that period, his reactions to the issues as well as your own response, you will come to a realisation of what the problem could be.
But for now, step aside. By giving him some breathing space, he would have time to think and perhaps come to appreciate your position in his life. Allow him to miss you a little bit. You can be sure, if he is yours, God will find a way of bringing the two of you together again but if he isn’t, it is a clarion call for you to move and find better happiness elsewhere.
For something beautiful to grow in life, something has to die first. If your present relationship is the seed that would herald your new life, so be it.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
My boyfriend is behaving strangely. I am honestly getting fed up with him because I cannot place my fingers on what the matter is really.
He has told me severally that it is over between us; lacks respect for me, insults my family at will and above all lacks the courtesy to apologise yet he expects me to always tell him I am sorry whenever I offend him.
I have tried correcting him on this habit but he insists if I am not pleased with his character, I have the liberty to leave him for another guy. I am really confused because he has done so much and I don’t want to be an ingrate but he has changed so much from the person I used to know. I guess he is tired of the relationship.
Please advise me.
Bunmi.
Dear Bunmi,
It’s obvious that your once ideal man is tired of the relationship. Having told you severally that he wants you out of his life without you taking the hint to leave him alone, he decided to act it so you would know he is serious.
His behaviour would continue to depreciate until you are forced to do as he said.
This is deliberate. He is pushing you to the limit of your resistance knowing that when he insults you, your family members, treats you with no respect at all, your pride would eventually compel you into quitting the relationship.
You have done enough staying; at this stage nobody, he least of all, can accuse you of being an ingrate. The longer you stay with a man who is clearly not interested in how he treats you or the amount of insults he packs into his dealings with you as long as he gets what he wants the more ridicule you bring to yourself.
That he has lost every shed of respect for you is underscored by the inclusion of your family in the dispensation of his menu of insult.
It also points to something you may have done to him. Can you pinpoint the exact point he changed from loving to cruelty? Was there something he kept complaining about in your person or character but which you simply ignored?
Knowing where you went wrong would help prevent a re-occurrence in your future relationships. A lot of times certain things we count as being unimportant are the very things that end up torpedoing our happiness in life.
There is no way his change would have been so dramatic without your help. Even if you are unable to tell anybody how you conducted this relationship to this pitiable position, do yourself a world of good by admitting to your mistakes as well as limitations as a person.
Even if he takes you back by a stroke of miracle, if you don’t change your attitude, the same thing would happen all over again so it is in your interest you also examine your own faults with a view of helping yourself find happiness later in life.
If you remember the exact point he began to change, the events that characterised that period, his reactions to the issues as well as your own response, you will come to a realisation of what the problem could be.
But for now, step aside. By giving him some breathing space, he would have time to think and perhaps come to appreciate your position in his life. Allow him to miss you a little bit. You can be sure, if he is yours, God will find a way of bringing the two of you together again but if he isn’t, it is a clarion call for you to move and find better happiness elsewhere.
For something beautiful to grow in life, something has to die first. If your present relationship is the seed that would herald your new life, so be it.
Good luck.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
She agreed to marry me, but can’t grow her love…
with Aunty Agatha, email, gataedo@yahoo.com; agatha.edo@gmail.com; 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I want to thank God for using you to be a blessing to this generation especially the young ones, there is this lady I met last year through my cousin, I like her because she is my kind of person. Sincerely, I would like to marry her.
I have actually proposed marriage to her and she has accepted. But I don’t understand her character, she finds it difficult to call even when I send her airtime or she sees my missed calls. I am always the only one calling her. Please I need your candid advice on how to handle her because I like her so much and would not like to lose her.
Worried Brother.
Dear Worried Brother,
One thing is to see someone you would very much love to have in your life another thing is for both of you to share the same enthusiasm for being together.
She may have accepted your proposal for marriage but from the look of things, both of you have nothing to work on at all. You are still very much strangers to each other and if you must move on from the point you have pegged yourselves, there is the need for you both to go back to the drawing board with a view of finding out a common meeting point between you.
Sincerely, offering her proposal when you barely know whom she is, a huge mistake. For any relationship to succeed, certain things must be put in place. Your proposal before you even had time to know her is akin to putting the cart before the horse. It shouldn’t have been the first thing to do. You needed time to familiarise yourself with her person, character and attitude before offering her a visa to share your space.
First impression isn’t always enough when it comes to the issue of deciding on a life partner. It is just the beginning of so many meetings, interactions before one can be sure that the first impression is the right one.
To help ease your disappointments with her, begin to see her as a friend, one you don’t mind calling because you desire to have her in your life. It is always easy to make a huge sacrifice for a friend than a lover. This is because with a friend, one is relaxed and has no shame exposing a weak side whereas one is constantly under pressure to put the right foot forwards when with a lover.
Also, regard her attitude as being of great assistance in the growth of your relationship. Now you know the challenge you are most likely to face with her if you end up as an item. Rather than see it as a huge discouragement, see it as a blessing in disguise. And the only way to do this is to understand her mental psychology regarding phone calls generally. Despite the huge success of mobile communication, many are still illiterates when it comes to telephone culture. Not many know that courtesy demands, a call from a known person, should be returned or text messages replied.
Often than not, it isn’t just a matter of not having enough credit on the phone but that of not knowing proper telephone usage ethics. Unfortunately many of us are guilty of this.
You won’t know if her attitude is deliberate or not unless you call her attention to it. You have to teach her, through love and not anger, how to respond to your messages as well as calls. Some things are better taught through the examples we give in our own attitudes.
Since your mind is on marrying her, it would do you a world of good to begin the process of integration now. Whatever sacrifices have to be made by both of you to get it right, begin the process now.
If you must know, you haven’t even started at all. The process that would take you from this point to marriage is a long painful journey of tolerance, patience, understanding as well as determination to make it work. There is no way you can get to the sweet part of a relationship without first paying attention to the bitter side. It is the devotion one gives to this bitter side that tells how sweet the relationship or marriage would be as the journey progresses.
In addition you need the presence and help of God from beginning to end.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I want to thank God for using you to be a blessing to this generation especially the young ones, there is this lady I met last year through my cousin, I like her because she is my kind of person. Sincerely, I would like to marry her.
I have actually proposed marriage to her and she has accepted. But I don’t understand her character, she finds it difficult to call even when I send her airtime or she sees my missed calls. I am always the only one calling her. Please I need your candid advice on how to handle her because I like her so much and would not like to lose her.
Worried Brother.
Dear Worried Brother,
One thing is to see someone you would very much love to have in your life another thing is for both of you to share the same enthusiasm for being together.
She may have accepted your proposal for marriage but from the look of things, both of you have nothing to work on at all. You are still very much strangers to each other and if you must move on from the point you have pegged yourselves, there is the need for you both to go back to the drawing board with a view of finding out a common meeting point between you.
Sincerely, offering her proposal when you barely know whom she is, a huge mistake. For any relationship to succeed, certain things must be put in place. Your proposal before you even had time to know her is akin to putting the cart before the horse. It shouldn’t have been the first thing to do. You needed time to familiarise yourself with her person, character and attitude before offering her a visa to share your space.
First impression isn’t always enough when it comes to the issue of deciding on a life partner. It is just the beginning of so many meetings, interactions before one can be sure that the first impression is the right one.
To help ease your disappointments with her, begin to see her as a friend, one you don’t mind calling because you desire to have her in your life. It is always easy to make a huge sacrifice for a friend than a lover. This is because with a friend, one is relaxed and has no shame exposing a weak side whereas one is constantly under pressure to put the right foot forwards when with a lover.
Also, regard her attitude as being of great assistance in the growth of your relationship. Now you know the challenge you are most likely to face with her if you end up as an item. Rather than see it as a huge discouragement, see it as a blessing in disguise. And the only way to do this is to understand her mental psychology regarding phone calls generally. Despite the huge success of mobile communication, many are still illiterates when it comes to telephone culture. Not many know that courtesy demands, a call from a known person, should be returned or text messages replied.
Often than not, it isn’t just a matter of not having enough credit on the phone but that of not knowing proper telephone usage ethics. Unfortunately many of us are guilty of this.
You won’t know if her attitude is deliberate or not unless you call her attention to it. You have to teach her, through love and not anger, how to respond to your messages as well as calls. Some things are better taught through the examples we give in our own attitudes.
Since your mind is on marrying her, it would do you a world of good to begin the process of integration now. Whatever sacrifices have to be made by both of you to get it right, begin the process now.
If you must know, you haven’t even started at all. The process that would take you from this point to marriage is a long painful journey of tolerance, patience, understanding as well as determination to make it work. There is no way you can get to the sweet part of a relationship without first paying attention to the bitter side. It is the devotion one gives to this bitter side that tells how sweet the relationship or marriage would be as the journey progresses.
In addition you need the presence and help of God from beginning to end.
Good luck.
Hard to tell him I had a child before…
with Aunty Agatha, email, gataedo@yahoo.com; agatha.edo@gmail.com; 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I have been dating this man for seven months. He has even proposed marriage to me and I have accepted.
But there is a huge problem. I don’t know how to tell him about my past that I have a child from a previous relationship. I am scared I may lose him if he finds out.
Agatha, please help me because I don’t know how to go about it.
Debby.
Dear Debby,
Try putting yourself in the shoes of this man; how would you feel if after seven months of being together, you are just finding out that he has kept the vital information about a child from you?
Would you be able to trust him again? It isn’t just that you kept the information from him that would bother him but the issue of trust in its entirety that has been mortgaged by your refusal to tell him at the very wee hours of your first meeting.
The major question is why did you not tell him at the beginning about this child? This is going to his take when you finally tell him about this child?
Is it just fear that you would lose him or that you were desperate to have him and didn’t want anything that would drive him away from you? Could it be also that you weren’t too sure about his love for you or that you were too ashamed of your past to let him in?
Your refusal also calls to question the place of that child in your life. If this man of yours is a deep person, this might make him wonder at the kind of mother you are. No mother, no matter the consequences, denies her child even if it is one second.
Could it also be you deliberately kept the information from him till you are sure you have him where it would be difficult for him to back out?
These are questions you must quickly answer within yourself if you hope to convince him of your true intentions at not telling him from the onset.
In addition, whatever your reason is, be very honest with it since that is the only way you can defend whatever reason informed your not telling him initially.
Marshall your points very well before confronting him with the truth, the issue has gone beyond you having a child from a previous relationship to the twin issue of you keeping such vital information away from him and the credibility of your person.
Rather than deal with you having a child for another man, he has to convince himself that you don’t have any more unpleasant skeleton in your cupboard, persuade himself that his initial guts, feelings about you, are still right as well as overcome his sense of hurt at your attitude.
Whatever thinking you have to do, ensure it is done quickly to prevent someone else telling him about your child before you have the chance to tell him yourself. You can bet if some busybodies give him the information before you do, it won’t be easy getting him to listen to you.
The best way to handle it at this stage is to first beg him on your knees for forgiveness. Make him understand that your reason was induced by fear of what his reactions would if he got to know when you first met that you are a mother of one.
Whatever his reactions are, don’t stop until you tell him the whole story of what happened between you and the father of your child. Tell him where the child is, your role in the life of the child as well as your current relationship with the father. He would definitely be interested in knowing this.
Continue by letting him know that you would understand if he decides to leave you as a result of what you had done but that he would make you the happiest woman on earth if he finds it in his heart to forgive you.
Don’t expect him to just gloss over the issue, he would need time to properly assimilate it and decide on it. Don’t forget that he also has the challenge of telling his parents and friends that his wife to be already has a child.
He has to first convince himself that irrespective of what may have happened in your past, you are the woman for him.
No matter the temptation, don’t attempt to hurry him into a decision. Let it come from his heart else you risk losing him to disappointments. You must let him learn to trust you again because you are now a total stranger to him based on what you held back from him.
One thing you can be sure of, if God has ordered the two of you to be together, he would eventually find a place in his heart to forgive you.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I have been dating this man for seven months. He has even proposed marriage to me and I have accepted.
But there is a huge problem. I don’t know how to tell him about my past that I have a child from a previous relationship. I am scared I may lose him if he finds out.
Agatha, please help me because I don’t know how to go about it.
Debby.
Dear Debby,
Try putting yourself in the shoes of this man; how would you feel if after seven months of being together, you are just finding out that he has kept the vital information about a child from you?
Would you be able to trust him again? It isn’t just that you kept the information from him that would bother him but the issue of trust in its entirety that has been mortgaged by your refusal to tell him at the very wee hours of your first meeting.
The major question is why did you not tell him at the beginning about this child? This is going to his take when you finally tell him about this child?
Is it just fear that you would lose him or that you were desperate to have him and didn’t want anything that would drive him away from you? Could it be also that you weren’t too sure about his love for you or that you were too ashamed of your past to let him in?
Your refusal also calls to question the place of that child in your life. If this man of yours is a deep person, this might make him wonder at the kind of mother you are. No mother, no matter the consequences, denies her child even if it is one second.
Could it also be you deliberately kept the information from him till you are sure you have him where it would be difficult for him to back out?
These are questions you must quickly answer within yourself if you hope to convince him of your true intentions at not telling him from the onset.
In addition, whatever your reason is, be very honest with it since that is the only way you can defend whatever reason informed your not telling him initially.
Marshall your points very well before confronting him with the truth, the issue has gone beyond you having a child from a previous relationship to the twin issue of you keeping such vital information away from him and the credibility of your person.
Rather than deal with you having a child for another man, he has to convince himself that you don’t have any more unpleasant skeleton in your cupboard, persuade himself that his initial guts, feelings about you, are still right as well as overcome his sense of hurt at your attitude.
Whatever thinking you have to do, ensure it is done quickly to prevent someone else telling him about your child before you have the chance to tell him yourself. You can bet if some busybodies give him the information before you do, it won’t be easy getting him to listen to you.
The best way to handle it at this stage is to first beg him on your knees for forgiveness. Make him understand that your reason was induced by fear of what his reactions would if he got to know when you first met that you are a mother of one.
Whatever his reactions are, don’t stop until you tell him the whole story of what happened between you and the father of your child. Tell him where the child is, your role in the life of the child as well as your current relationship with the father. He would definitely be interested in knowing this.
Continue by letting him know that you would understand if he decides to leave you as a result of what you had done but that he would make you the happiest woman on earth if he finds it in his heart to forgive you.
Don’t expect him to just gloss over the issue, he would need time to properly assimilate it and decide on it. Don’t forget that he also has the challenge of telling his parents and friends that his wife to be already has a child.
He has to first convince himself that irrespective of what may have happened in your past, you are the woman for him.
No matter the temptation, don’t attempt to hurry him into a decision. Let it come from his heart else you risk losing him to disappointments. You must let him learn to trust you again because you are now a total stranger to him based on what you held back from him.
One thing you can be sure of, if God has ordered the two of you to be together, he would eventually find a place in his heart to forgive you.
Good luck.
Monday, March 7, 2011
She’s all I want as wife but her beauty…
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I appreciate the way you give hope to troubled minds through your column. You are saving a lot of lives through this all-important column. I pray God blesses you.
I’m a guy of 21 years and there’s this girl, 22, I know she likes me so much and has never shied away from letting me know about this.
Although she has everything I would like in a wife but she is not very beautiful. My desire is to marry a woman who is beautiful. I fear I may break her heart on account of this flaw in her. I am anxious because I have this principle that a man should date only the woman he can marry. What do you think?
Troubled Mic.
Dear Troubled Mic,
At 21, you still have a lot of growing up to do in terms of emotional maturity to appreciate life the more. You are yet to get to that point in life when you would need to consider more than the look of a woman to make the right choice.
As you gather experiences in matters of the heart, you will discover that it takes more than the physical appearance of a person to give happiness. The essence of a human being isn’t in how the person looks but in how the person behaves.
Yes, it is advisable and the best policy not to date anyone you cannot get married to, this can only achieve the right results if you scale down on the physical beauty of the person.
Relationship and marriage unlike beauty pageants isn’t fuelled by the physical advantages rather it is framed around who that person is. Who a person goes a long way in defining how much happiness, peace and support that person is capable of giving to another person.
A person could have a very pleasant look on the outside but a real terror at home. As a young man just starting out, it is important you learn to place your priorities to avoid the mistake a lot of men before you made and they biting their fingers for it today.
What should concern you now is how to be this lady’s friend; create an opportunity to know if you both have what it takes to move on. It is also necessary to sound a note of warning here that you get your visions right.
In doing this, you must have a fair idea of where you are headed in the next 10 years from now. This would help you factor in the kind of woman you need to support your dream to reality; point you at the quality of the kind of temperament your woman must have at all times as well as the kind of strength she must have especially if you won’t always be around in the early years. If your vision is to build a successful business, you will need a woman who can function on her own without worrying you about little things such as electricity or minor medical bills. You will need a woman who can manage what she has without nagging you for more. Every man needs a woman who is patient to support his dream to maturity as well as who has the magic to transform a house to a home.
These are not achieved by looks but by dedication to her man and appreciation of her position as the woman in his life. The realisation that she is in his life to help him fulfill his mission on earth is what a man needs to help him move to the next level.
Every man needs the motivation provided by the support of his wife to make the difference in life. A woman who is only interested in her looks and not the character of her home will at the end of the day be a huge disappointment not only to her husband but her children too. Men may be the head of the home but the woman is the pillar that holds everything together. She therefore has to be strong to do this job successfully.
This is where the inner beauty comes into play. This is what gives the physical look its character, its skeleton of support. Every beautiful façade must have the right kind of inner support to remain indelible.
Your girlfriend may not be as beautiful as you want your woman to be but that doesn’t mean she isn’t a beautiful person within her. You can only get to know how beautiful she really is if you get close to her.
Have an opened mind about her. That you are friends with her doesn’t mean you are walking down the aisle immediately. Sail the boat of friendship; this isn’t complicating at all. Take each day as it comes, don’t make promises you may find difficult to keep until you are sure she of the person behind the mask.
A little step at a time helps stabilise so many things.
Dear Agatha,
I appreciate the way you give hope to troubled minds through your column. You are saving a lot of lives through this all-important column. I pray God blesses you.
I’m a guy of 21 years and there’s this girl, 22, I know she likes me so much and has never shied away from letting me know about this.
Although she has everything I would like in a wife but she is not very beautiful. My desire is to marry a woman who is beautiful. I fear I may break her heart on account of this flaw in her. I am anxious because I have this principle that a man should date only the woman he can marry. What do you think?
Troubled Mic.
Dear Troubled Mic,
At 21, you still have a lot of growing up to do in terms of emotional maturity to appreciate life the more. You are yet to get to that point in life when you would need to consider more than the look of a woman to make the right choice.
As you gather experiences in matters of the heart, you will discover that it takes more than the physical appearance of a person to give happiness. The essence of a human being isn’t in how the person looks but in how the person behaves.
Yes, it is advisable and the best policy not to date anyone you cannot get married to, this can only achieve the right results if you scale down on the physical beauty of the person.
Relationship and marriage unlike beauty pageants isn’t fuelled by the physical advantages rather it is framed around who that person is. Who a person goes a long way in defining how much happiness, peace and support that person is capable of giving to another person.
A person could have a very pleasant look on the outside but a real terror at home. As a young man just starting out, it is important you learn to place your priorities to avoid the mistake a lot of men before you made and they biting their fingers for it today.
What should concern you now is how to be this lady’s friend; create an opportunity to know if you both have what it takes to move on. It is also necessary to sound a note of warning here that you get your visions right.
In doing this, you must have a fair idea of where you are headed in the next 10 years from now. This would help you factor in the kind of woman you need to support your dream to reality; point you at the quality of the kind of temperament your woman must have at all times as well as the kind of strength she must have especially if you won’t always be around in the early years. If your vision is to build a successful business, you will need a woman who can function on her own without worrying you about little things such as electricity or minor medical bills. You will need a woman who can manage what she has without nagging you for more. Every man needs a woman who is patient to support his dream to maturity as well as who has the magic to transform a house to a home.
These are not achieved by looks but by dedication to her man and appreciation of her position as the woman in his life. The realisation that she is in his life to help him fulfill his mission on earth is what a man needs to help him move to the next level.
Every man needs the motivation provided by the support of his wife to make the difference in life. A woman who is only interested in her looks and not the character of her home will at the end of the day be a huge disappointment not only to her husband but her children too. Men may be the head of the home but the woman is the pillar that holds everything together. She therefore has to be strong to do this job successfully.
This is where the inner beauty comes into play. This is what gives the physical look its character, its skeleton of support. Every beautiful façade must have the right kind of inner support to remain indelible.
Your girlfriend may not be as beautiful as you want your woman to be but that doesn’t mean she isn’t a beautiful person within her. You can only get to know how beautiful she really is if you get close to her.
Have an opened mind about her. That you are friends with her doesn’t mean you are walking down the aisle immediately. Sail the boat of friendship; this isn’t complicating at all. Take each day as it comes, don’t make promises you may find difficult to keep until you are sure she of the person behind the mask.
A little step at a time helps stabilise so many things.
Sexual inexperience is killing my marriage
With Agatha Edo, Email: gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Kindly tell my wife and I what to do to improve our sex life. As a man, my organ is small and my performance cannot last more than five minutes. My wife, on the other hand, is near frigid. She doesn’t contribute a thing to our lovemaking. She leaves the entire job to me.
Our marriage is two years old. I am already thinking our marriage is a mistake. This isn’t what I envisaged when I got married.
Although we both got married as virgins, I believe that lovemaking should be more fun than it currently is between my wife and I.
Deep inside me I feel something is missing in our marriage. I am seriously itching to know what it is.
Please help me.
Frank.
Dear Frank,
Doubtless, sex is fundamental in every marriage. No marriage is able to survive the rigours of two strangers living under the same roof without quality sex.
Your problem is not just about the size of your organ as a man but that of you two, knowing what to do with your bodies. More often than not, size is not as important as knowing the techniques that help a man satisfy his woman as well as his own desires. Size has always been a problem for men. It is either it is too small or too large. For most women, it is a matter of making do with what is available and not a matter of having the perfect fit.
The key to a happy relationship is for you and your wife to be happy with what God has given both of you. You must learn to be proud of what you have if you want her to be comfortable with it. The moment you begin to exhibit inferiority complex about what size you were given, it won’t be you itching to go out for excitement; she would be the one complaining of lack of satisfaction and a thirst to experiment outside. This is why you should learn to manage your situation as a man.
Since she has no record of previous performance to compare with yours, you just have to stop complaining and look for positive ways of ensuring you and her enjoy the liberty of your age and status as a married couple.
As a man, it is your duty to teach your woman how to please you and not the other way round especially as you are her first and only lover. If she is dormant, it is because you haven’t given a reason to be active. It is also a reflection of your knowledge of the game as well as your inability to bring out the woman in her.
More often than not, when a man complains about the failure of his woman to satisfy him in bed, he is unwittingly complaining of his inability to carry his woman along. To make a woman happy in the bedroom, the man must have an understanding of what the woman wants. He must also have a liberal mind, one that would help him give the woman the kind of support to freely express herself.
Frankly, your size isn’t the issue here. Before the advent of plastic surgeries, a lot of men have had to cope with whatever size their packages come in. What you need is a fair knowledge of what lovemaking is all about. You must understand the simple fact that a complete package has different components that help a couple achieve premium satisfaction and each of these are added value to the real thing. The fingers are very explosive tool that can do up to 90 percent of the work before the real thing happens. Just like the fingers, the tongue too does a great job in the rating of the overall performance.
The things here are the willingness of the couple to let go of foundational beliefs as well as the spirit of adventure to explore each other’s bodies.
To help increase your time and by implication your performance, rely more on the use of your fingers and tongue. By the time you are ready for the real thing, your woman would be ready to peak which means both of you would be reaching that point at about the same time.
Because she has been properly stimulated, she won’t even notice if you are pint-sized or not. All that would matter to her at that point is for you to complete the little job left that your hands and tongue have almost finished.
Quality lovemaking requires time, devotion as well as a spirit of adventure. If you and your wife refuse to leave whatever beliefs you came with into your marriage behind, both of you will continue to suffer deprivation in the area that matters most in marriage.
Even if you go outside your marriage, at the end of the day, it still won’t resolve the issue of lovemaking between you and your wife until you overhaul your attitude entirely. It must be done with sincerity as well as the fear of God. To do otherwise is to break up your marriage.
To help get you and your wife out of this situation, you both have to sit down to discuss the value of your intimacy in your union. In discussing this, both of you must come to the meeting with the clear understanding that it is not dirty and forbidden for married couples to enjoy sex. You must understand that it is the right of a married couple to introduce dimension that would help them appreciate the essence of this special gift from God.
Importantly, as human beings, we are given the liberty by the power of our imagination to interpret it to suit our moods and demands.
Once you both are able to appreciate that there is nothing sinful for a married couple to enjoy their intimacy, it becomes easier for other dimensions of the game to be introduced and discussed. It also helps in drawing out the importance of sex to a married couple. With this comes a realisation that sex can be used as an effective communication tool between a couple as well as a good barometer to gauge when extraneous matters creep into it.
Sit her down to discuss her fears, disappointments, pains, wishes and expectations. Every woman has a secret wish. Despite marrying as a virgin, she must have nursed an idea of how she would want her sex life with her man structured.
This is something you should find out. It would help you find out what appeals to her as well as what you should do to draw her out of her shell. Once she is able to come out of her shell, your efforts would be made easier. The reason for the discussion is to build a new life together, to share each other’s dream as well as agree on what is achievable in all the options available.
There is also the need for you both to help your knowledge by watching adult films and reading up literature that would help both of you get your rhythm right.
Always have it at the back of your mind that there is no better woman out there than your wife and that you can help her be an expert like any mistress.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Kindly tell my wife and I what to do to improve our sex life. As a man, my organ is small and my performance cannot last more than five minutes. My wife, on the other hand, is near frigid. She doesn’t contribute a thing to our lovemaking. She leaves the entire job to me.
Our marriage is two years old. I am already thinking our marriage is a mistake. This isn’t what I envisaged when I got married.
Although we both got married as virgins, I believe that lovemaking should be more fun than it currently is between my wife and I.
Deep inside me I feel something is missing in our marriage. I am seriously itching to know what it is.
Please help me.
Frank.
Dear Frank,
Doubtless, sex is fundamental in every marriage. No marriage is able to survive the rigours of two strangers living under the same roof without quality sex.
Your problem is not just about the size of your organ as a man but that of you two, knowing what to do with your bodies. More often than not, size is not as important as knowing the techniques that help a man satisfy his woman as well as his own desires. Size has always been a problem for men. It is either it is too small or too large. For most women, it is a matter of making do with what is available and not a matter of having the perfect fit.
The key to a happy relationship is for you and your wife to be happy with what God has given both of you. You must learn to be proud of what you have if you want her to be comfortable with it. The moment you begin to exhibit inferiority complex about what size you were given, it won’t be you itching to go out for excitement; she would be the one complaining of lack of satisfaction and a thirst to experiment outside. This is why you should learn to manage your situation as a man.
Since she has no record of previous performance to compare with yours, you just have to stop complaining and look for positive ways of ensuring you and her enjoy the liberty of your age and status as a married couple.
As a man, it is your duty to teach your woman how to please you and not the other way round especially as you are her first and only lover. If she is dormant, it is because you haven’t given a reason to be active. It is also a reflection of your knowledge of the game as well as your inability to bring out the woman in her.
More often than not, when a man complains about the failure of his woman to satisfy him in bed, he is unwittingly complaining of his inability to carry his woman along. To make a woman happy in the bedroom, the man must have an understanding of what the woman wants. He must also have a liberal mind, one that would help him give the woman the kind of support to freely express herself.
Frankly, your size isn’t the issue here. Before the advent of plastic surgeries, a lot of men have had to cope with whatever size their packages come in. What you need is a fair knowledge of what lovemaking is all about. You must understand the simple fact that a complete package has different components that help a couple achieve premium satisfaction and each of these are added value to the real thing. The fingers are very explosive tool that can do up to 90 percent of the work before the real thing happens. Just like the fingers, the tongue too does a great job in the rating of the overall performance.
The things here are the willingness of the couple to let go of foundational beliefs as well as the spirit of adventure to explore each other’s bodies.
To help increase your time and by implication your performance, rely more on the use of your fingers and tongue. By the time you are ready for the real thing, your woman would be ready to peak which means both of you would be reaching that point at about the same time.
Because she has been properly stimulated, she won’t even notice if you are pint-sized or not. All that would matter to her at that point is for you to complete the little job left that your hands and tongue have almost finished.
Quality lovemaking requires time, devotion as well as a spirit of adventure. If you and your wife refuse to leave whatever beliefs you came with into your marriage behind, both of you will continue to suffer deprivation in the area that matters most in marriage.
Even if you go outside your marriage, at the end of the day, it still won’t resolve the issue of lovemaking between you and your wife until you overhaul your attitude entirely. It must be done with sincerity as well as the fear of God. To do otherwise is to break up your marriage.
To help get you and your wife out of this situation, you both have to sit down to discuss the value of your intimacy in your union. In discussing this, both of you must come to the meeting with the clear understanding that it is not dirty and forbidden for married couples to enjoy sex. You must understand that it is the right of a married couple to introduce dimension that would help them appreciate the essence of this special gift from God.
Importantly, as human beings, we are given the liberty by the power of our imagination to interpret it to suit our moods and demands.
Once you both are able to appreciate that there is nothing sinful for a married couple to enjoy their intimacy, it becomes easier for other dimensions of the game to be introduced and discussed. It also helps in drawing out the importance of sex to a married couple. With this comes a realisation that sex can be used as an effective communication tool between a couple as well as a good barometer to gauge when extraneous matters creep into it.
Sit her down to discuss her fears, disappointments, pains, wishes and expectations. Every woman has a secret wish. Despite marrying as a virgin, she must have nursed an idea of how she would want her sex life with her man structured.
This is something you should find out. It would help you find out what appeals to her as well as what you should do to draw her out of her shell. Once she is able to come out of her shell, your efforts would be made easier. The reason for the discussion is to build a new life together, to share each other’s dream as well as agree on what is achievable in all the options available.
There is also the need for you both to help your knowledge by watching adult films and reading up literature that would help both of you get your rhythm right.
Always have it at the back of your mind that there is no better woman out there than your wife and that you can help her be an expert like any mistress.
Good luck.
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