How do I raise good family?

Dear Agatha,

The good Lord will remain your Shepherd as you restore families.

Please, I want to find out what it takes to keep or raise a wonderful family. It beats my imagination when I read or hear about marriages of nine or even 20 years suing for divorce. What possible actions/decisions are there to keep one’s marriage “fireproof”? Divorce can never be a solution to any marriage unless there was no sincerity from the onset.

Curiosity.

Dear Curiosity,

Marriage is a journey of complexities, uncertainty and one that requires patience that comes from a heart willing to make huge sacrifices for the other person.

It is more of a journey that makes the other person happy and not what makes you happy.

Marriage is certainly not about self but more of the person you have made up your mind to share life with. Unfortunately, a lot of couples go into it with the little or no knowledge of what is in stock for them because of draught of quality information on what marriage is all about.

Generally, marriage is conceived as a journey of romance, freedom and indulgences to do as one pleases. For so many ladies, marriage represents a passport to escape rules, rigidity of parents as entrance into the elite club of married women.

Not many couples getting married actually give too much thought to the bitter side of marriage. Subconsciously, they have etched at the back of their minds the ever-happy notion romance books are filled with.

Unfortunately, there is nothing ever happy about marriage, especially in those nascent hours, when the challenge of centralising interest, dreams and expectations, appear to overwhelm.

In those confused moments of broken dreams, a lot of couples experience huge disillusions, some so deep it creates permanent scar in the infant marriage.

Due to inexperience and lack of formal education on what marriage is really about, a lot of couples become so disappointed that they begin to trade blames, which eventually lead to the divorce option for those who cannot cope with the anticlimax their marriages have become.

It isn’t until later in life that many couples that hastily went in for divorces come to the realisation that marriage like all natural processes of life requires absolute patience to make it work.

But this appreciation of what marriage really is comes too late in the day when costly and unpardonable mistakes would have been made and a lot of complications follow any attempt to redeem that, which has been lost.

To have a workable marriage, both parties must appreciate from the very beginning that it is not a rudderless ship. Someone has to be in charge, take responsibilities and be the final clearinghouse for every other person in the marriage. God has placed the authority of the home on the man and this is unequivocal. No matter the economical prosperity of the woman, her family status, her level of education and exposure, the moments she decides to give up her maiden name for the family name of the man in her life, she signs away so many things, her right to first choice as well as the independence of mind to make a choice without consulting.

In return, the man has to learn to be a team player and considerate of the feelings of his partner at all times. Even though God has placed a man in charge of the home, he should resist playing the boss if he hopes to get the support of his wife and children. Only a man who is a leader in his home ends up with a very supportive wife and understanding children. Respect is reciprocal. A man who accords his wife respect can be assured of her undying respect and love even when he misbehaves. A woman who is friends with her husband is most likely to forgive her husband of the worst offence a man can commit against his marriage than a woman who has a bossy and rude husband.

When a man knows how to court the friendship and confidence of his spouse, he can do no wrong in the sight of the woman because he has earned her trust and loyalty by his decision to carry her along as a friend. This is why a man who plans to marry must not make looks his premium reason for marrying a woman. He should rather, take time and courage to look behind what she looks like to who she really is. He must brave public opinion, ignore what his family or friends think about her looks to her hidden beauty because at the end of the day, this inner beauty is what matters the most. A woman who has a beautiful face, but is ill tempered, lacking in respect and lacks the patience to help her husband grow his dreams would definitely not give the man the kind of peace and happiness he needs to be on top of his game.

The same rule applies to the woman. Every woman interested in the day after the wedding; when reality gives way to expectations must begin the process from the very day she makes up her mind to marry. Marriage is not motored by the looks of a man, the size of his wallet or family history but by the person the man really is. Marriage, to an inconsiderate handsome and rich man, would not last more than the moment it took the couple to sign the marriage registers.

This is because the woman, no matter how deeply she thinks she is in love with the man, would soon get tired of being treated shabbily by her husband. Most women may not realise it especially those who consider themselves too long on the shelf, it is better to marry a poor but considerate man than to marry one who is rich but brash and insensitive.

Often than not, the success or otherwise of a relationship is determined long before the actual wedding. A persistent unpleasant set of behaviour can completely erase the very thin line between love and hate. A man or woman may wake one day to discover that once pleasant feeling of love for his or her spouse has turned to hatred without knowing how and when it happened. This is why some couples end up killing the person they swore before the world to love and cherish in blood cold murder.

Honesty at one’s elasticity ability is also important. Women are often the guilty ones when it comes to this. A lot of time, a woman desperate to marry pretends not to notice very intolerable aspects of her man’s behaviour and consoles herself with the notion of changing him once married. Women who have done this, end up with regrets because when they begin to complain about those aspects of their husbands’ behaviour, the question is usually, didn’t you notice these aspects of him before agreeing to marry him?

A habit not checked early in a relationship is as good as being permanent. For any marriage to be successful, men and women should learn to complain early about those attitudes or character exhibitions they are not comfortable with from the beginning. This way the defaulting partner, is warned to either moderate his or her attitude to avoid losing the respect and love of the partner.

Although this is increasingly becoming difficult for couples to do especially the men, it saves a lot of headache when both parties know how much they have between them. This way a man is free of the burden of having to explain to his wife repeatedly about his lack of money at any given time. He makes it easy for his peace of mind by constantly updating her on his finances.

Most marriages have suffered undue pressures and breakups because the man refused to declare his financial earnings to his wife who in turn thinks he has more than he actually has. A lot of women in this kind of marriage end up making the home unbearable until the man is forced into the hands of another woman.

The key is just for the man to make his financial status as visible as possible to his wife. When it comes to money and doubts as to where the man is spending his money, even the most rational woman can become a monster when she suspects her man maybe spending his extra money on other women.

When a man is so secretive about his earnings, it creates problems that should not arise in the first place in the marriage.

Every marriage needs prayers, determination, patience, commitment and sacrifices to make it work.

Once all these are in place, divorce will never be an option even when the storms become fearsome.


Good luck