He has a terrible temper

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, There is this man who is interested in marrying me but who has a terrible temper. Sometime ago, he man-handled and threatened to beat me up. When I asked him later what happened to make him behave like that, he said something came over him. Should I marry him? Doris. Dear Doris, Marriage is a journey of a lifetime. It is more than a man and woman coming together to share each other’s space. Love alone cannot keep a marriage together; it takes much more than one reason for a couple to be happy together. A couple may be in love but if something isn’t right about their union or one of the partners is lacking in the etiquette of living with another person in addition to lacking in respect for the feelings of the other party, love soon vacates the relationship as a result of being taken for granted. One of the greatest causes of broken homes is a bad temper. It breaks not just the physical bond but also the spiritual. This is because the spirit of anger destroys everything that makes marriage successful; like an erupting volcano, its lava burns deep into the skin. Often than not, the scare of a bad temper never heals. If at this stage of your relationship he is unable to control his temper, has already started showing his dangerous fangs what would it be like when the relationship is older? The reason we get married is to share companionship and to have a friend in one’s life, especially when one is old and grey. There is no companionship in a violent heart or place. Besides a bad temper is also self destructive; makes it impossible for the affected person after a while to attract sympathy or help from friends and people. Being a woman, your mind and body need peace to function in its full capacity. The woman’s body cannot fulfill its optimum function of procreation if the atmosphere isn’t right for it. A lot of women suffer miscarriages or have problems getting pregnant as a result of the kinds of pressures they are facing from their ill-tempered husbands. Sizeable numbers of women too have died as a result of injuries sustained during domestic violence in their homes. An angry man is an irrational person; being stronger, the anger of some men has prompted them to kill their wives unknowingly. Severally, these men attribute their behaviors to unknown forces: forces beyond their comprehension and control. This is because anger is a spirit that needs the spirit of awareness and determination to conquer. The person with the temper must first be aware of the danger it presents to him and those around him as well as grow the concomitant determination to overcome it. Often than not, the children are the ones who suffer the most. Apart from being daily witnesses to their father and mother fighting, they end up becoming damaged emotionally as well as psychologically; unable to love or appreciate one when given. This is also the danger of them becoming clones of their parents in their own marriages. In some cases, the children become so cynical that they loathe the institution called marriage. The girls either decide to play the field or become single mothers in their bid to escape becoming punch bags of any man. In certain instances, such children, have been known to develop strange sexual habits, like lesbianism or gay to insulate themselves from having marriages like the ones of their parents. These are social fall outs of domestic violence. For these reasons you must be careful who you partner with in life; not just for her sake but that of your children too. Therefore, you should ask yourself the reason you want to marry generally and this man in particular? Is it for the fun of it? That your friends are all getting married or to have a fulfilling life, one in which you are treated like a queen? The tragedy of marrying for the fun of is the dismay that comes after the wedding ceremony. Gladly, this man hasn’t been able to mask his weakness, which gives you a clear picture of the kind of life you will be living with him should you marry him. Ignoring this aspect of him is to mortgage your happiness since there is no telling when that thing will make him go very violent. It also gives you time to plan and review so many things you never once thought were important to your choice of a man. To settle for this man is to marry without plans and for the reason of pleasing others. This aspect of him should make you go further into his person, life as well as those of his family. It is also a call up time for you to look into your own life. What kind of man and marriage do you want? What kinds of challenges do you have the stamina to cope with? And what kinds will you run away from? I ask these because some women think violence is macho and appealing. They actually go out of their ways to find a man who has the tendency to violate them. While the rest of the world, think they are psycho, these category of women cannot have it any other way. To ask these women not to marry this kind of a man would be doing a disservice to them despite the disadvantages I outlined earlier. If you are in this category, notwithstanding what the rest of the world thinks, you are at liberty to go ahead but be clear that you have to work extra hard to make it work between the two of you. It will take lots of prayers, ability to ignore as well as avoid his temper to make it work. It is also a journey of wisdom for you to channel his temper to where it will be useful to you. Some women prefer such displays in an intimate setting. It is also important you know from this early beginning what brings on his temper; is it from something that you do or say? Are you the kind of woman who makes him feel less than the man he is? Sometimes, something in the way a woman behaves brings out the temper in a man who isn’t as secured with the world. Actually some men have found themselves becoming wife beaters by accident often instigated by the domineering attitude of the women they have found themselves with or as a result of her inability to culture her mouth. Although not an excuse for any man to lay his finger on his wife, it will help you discover and prepare yourself for your next relationship if you are very honest with who you are. Even a saint can be provoked into violence when the situation isn’t right. Whatever you eventually decide to do with your existing relationship, use the opportunity provided by his attitude towards you to manage your future relationship. This is because life is a learning process. Everything that happens is meant to teach us a lesson, which unfortunately many people are ignorant of. This man may just have chanced into your life to help you get your acts together, warn you at the inherent dangers embossed in some of the decisions you are taking now or have taken. Honestly, the decision is yours to make. But be sure you are very explicit in your vision to avoid regrets you will never stop having in future. Don’t delude yourself over your ability to cope or otherwise. Be very honest with yourself. Once you able to sort this out within yourself, you will know without being told what steps you should take in this matter. This kind of decision isn’t one anybody can make for you because it bothers on something very precious to you. Besides, you are the one who wears the shoes, made the decision in the first place to date him and still dating him despite this huge flaw in his person. The truth of the matter is when situation like this occurs and our minds are made up, we often don’t ask the opinion of others before doing what we want to do. Asking for advice on it, means you still care. The real question is, can you cope with him or not? Once you are able to answer this question will all certainty, you will know what to do. Good luck

I caught her with another man

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am 45 years of age while my wife is 27 years old. We started living as man and wife a year ago but I have been the one responsible for her secondary and university education. She finished her youth service two years ago. While she was in school, she didn’t allow me come close to her because she claimed to be a virgin. Before I took on the responsibility of paying her school fees, I met with the parents and some members of her family who collected the bride price and other things required for traditional marriage from me. She was there and agreed to everything. When she finished her secondary school education, with her consent every other thing we didn’t do when she was much younger was completed. We even did the wine carrying. Because I had plans for her, I didn’t try to force enforce my rights as tradition demands after such ceremony. While in year one, her father forced us to go to the registry. He said he wanted things done properly. We agreed that the church wedding will be done after she graduated. This we did before she went for her youth service. That night when I demanded to sleep with her, she said she was having her period so I allowed her be. She left for orientation camp almost immediately. Since she was posted to the North, she didn’t bother to come home for the whole year claiming it was too far for her. When I asked to come, she declined that it was not advisable for me to, because of Sharia. Because of my age, I ignored many signs I was seeing as well as the things people were saying about her. even when I knew she was lying about being a virgin, I played along with her because of the story of my life. I have never been lucky with women. It has always been one disappointment or the other, despite being the best looking and most successful among my friends, I am the one who has the most challenge in my relationships. If the women don’t leave me for other men; sometimes my so called friends, they end up disappearing with my money or car. Fed up, I went in search for spiritual help and discovered that my stepmother was behind my problems. She wanted to hit back at me for my father’s perceived sins. This informed my reason to train and marry my wife. When she finally allowed me to sleep with her, I discovered she wasn’t a virgin; she came up with so many excuses but I told her not to bother. I have seen and went through worst things in the hands of women. Just at the time I was beginning to think my problems were over, I ran into her in a guest house with a man. I was there in company of my business associates. Only three weeks before the incident she told me she was four weeks pregnant. Since the incident, she has been begging me to forgive her. She has sworn with everything, including the Bible that the pregnancy is mine and that since marrying me, it was the first time she has been unfaithful to me. She confessed that the man I saw her with was the man who deflowered her and the one she dated all through her university years. that they agreed to meet on that day to discuss the problem he was having with his wife to be only for them to end up in the room. Her parents and family, she told the incident are all begging me to forgive her. the pastor too has joined his voice in pleading with me. He said, if I am able to forgive her, a lot of things will change in my life that she was programmed to behave that way so that I can continue to be unhappy. I have really come to love her in the one year we have been together. she is very respectful, loving and caring but can I ever trust her to tell the truth? First, she lied about her virginity and now this! I am so confused. Please help me. I am the only child of my mother for my father. I don’t have anyone but you to turn to. Feyinti. Dear Feyinti, Life has a way of presenting us with a bouquet of thorny choices; impossible to run away from. There is no avoiding making a choice in this matter. You either ask her to go, given the gravity of what she has done or trust in your love for her by forgiving her. Ending the marriage appears the easy option but deep down will it make you happy? Whatever anybody says, your own happiness is what is important here. No doubt, seeing the evidence of her infidelity is enough reason for you to turn deaf ears to the pleas of everybody including that of your pastor. And indeed if you look back at the past, the things you have been through before you got to this point, you may want to submit to the natural urge to send her packing especially if you remember the lie she told you about being a virgin. Even if you didn’t say it, it is human to think she is taking you for granted and will again do something greater than those she has done already. Given what she has done, you have every right to withdraw your trust. If you do, nobody will begrudge you or call you harsh and unreasonable. But, in some way, you too remotely share in the blame. There are times when silence isn’t golden. Even if you didn’t want to take the matter of her virginity too far, you should still have discussed it the moment you discovered; you should have also told her all your suspicions and the reasons you ignored them. You should have used that opportunity to share your past with her and the reason you would not want to be hurt by her. Without you issuing threat; that talk would have sent some chill down her spine, to make her sit up. Frankly that refusal to discuss the first lie in a way contributed to this new challenge. It is like a child who has been naughty. If the mother allows that child to escape with the behavior, next time, the child will do something worse than the first. Because of the things you have experienced in the hands of other women you preferred to die in silence than risk giving her a piece of your mind. No marriage works that way. Irrespective of whatever happened in the past, learn to be in charge. Don’t ever let fear permeate your sound reasoning. The rule of every successful marriage is to boldly address all thorny issues as they come. When there is the need to express anger, don’t mask your true feeling with a smile; it has its implication. That you are thrashing out a vexing issue doesn’t mean the marriage is ending or is having problems; far from it. Instead, it is a sign that the couple is determined to make it work. Now that this has happened, it is essential for both of you to talk as a couple. Let her understand your person, experience your anger and confusion over how to thread on this issue. Let her know that the issue here, is not taking her back but, the trust she has murdered twice within a year of your living together as a couple. Tell her to advice you on how to proceed especially if she were in your shoes. The idea is to make her sweat for her forgiveness as well as make her understand the gravity of the situation at hand. Most especially as it has to do with the paternity of the child she is carrying in her womb. Even if you believe her, asking her to defend the ownership of the pregnancy will also help her realize the gravity of what she has done. No woman likes the paternity of her child questioned, especially by the father of the child. In addition, you have to also factor in the spiritual angle to this whole thing. If true your stepmother is determined to make you suffer for the sins of your father against her, there is no telling the length she will go to make her wish come true. Since she obviously couldn’t stop your financial prosperity or your being married against her wish, she will always be sourcing different ways to make you suffer and be unhappy. Because marriage is everlasting, one that is elastic enough to overcome betrayal, disappointment as well as pains; you and your wife must talk first. Insist she tells you everything there is to tell you about her life as well as her relationship with the other man. If he is still around her, ask her what she wants. Failure, to deal with the presence of this other man in her life will always hunt you and the marriage. She has to come out to say how she feels about you as well as her wish especially concerning the other man. If she wants the other man, best you allow her go before she does more harm to you. As for the child, you both can reach an agreement. But if she gives the assurance that the man is out of her life; believe her and allow the matter rest. Involving her family in her mess; to beg you shows the depth of her regrets. The truth is, no marriage is perfect. Ironically, it is this imperfection that gives marriage its unique character. There is no sin, true love cannot forgive in a marriage or relationship. It is a matter of know what is important to you. Good luck.

Do I forgive him?

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626 Dear Agatha, You are doing a good job. God bless you for being there for us. About 10 years ago, while at the university, there was this boy I dated. I left him due to his cruel nature. Many times he would beat me for no just cause. His violence was legendary that the landlord of the apartment we shared had to beat him on the day he stripped me right in front of every body for daring to talk back to him when he brought another woman to the apartment. When I made up my mind to leave him, I discovered I was pregnant. I tried to abort it but it just refused to be aborted. When I went back to the doctor who performed the abortion, he was very surprised to discover the fetus was still there. He advised me not to tamper with the pregnancy if I valued my life. Not done with my attempt to terminate the pregnancy, I went to see another doctor who after examining me told me not to risk it as the child was delicately positioned and that any attempt to touch it could lead to my death. Left with no choice, I informed him about the verdict of the doctors. Though I wasn’t expecting much from him but I didn’t envisage the kind of violence and profanities he uttered at the news. His mother when I went to her too drove me away insisting I should get rid of the baby because she wasn’t ready to be a grandmother now. It wasn’t easy at first but I eventually was able to cope with my pregnancy and studies. My mother although didn’t reject me but she kept her distance so I was left alone to care for my child. I would back my child to school and during examinations, friends would take turns in caring for her. Fortunately she didn’t cry and was such a lively baby which made things very easy for me to manage. I was also very lucky to be retained in the bank I served so my child and I had an easy start in life. Because of the way I was treated, I have respectfully kept my distance from my family members. I only go home when it is absolutely unavoidable and even at that I leave almost immediately to avoid any form of interactions with anybody. I had to go home for my sister’s traditional marriage following my father’s summons. Because of the situation between me and them, my sister didn’t deem it fit to inform of her wedding herself let alone bring the man in question to my house. It was not until that day that I discovered the identity of her husband to be. He turned out to be the father of my daughter. I was so shocked by everything happening because I recall introducing this same man to my parents when we were in school. Well, when it was being suggested that I was envious of my sister and out to destroy her, I quietly left the scene with my daughter. I didn’t bother to go for the white wedding or ask them how they were faring because I was hurt, embarrassed by the whole incident. I didn’t know anything about them or what challenges they were going through until I got a call from my mother that she would like to come to the house to see me. I obliged her since I had gotten over the pains of everything that happened to me. I didn’t know what to make of her visit though. Three years had passed without anyone of them talking to me. Even when I call my parents, they would refuse to pick my call so I stopped calling them but never stopped playing my role as a daughter by sending them their monthly allowances. She didn’t come alone. She came in company of my father, my sister and her husband as well as his mother. They came to beg me to forgive and forget the past because everywhere they had been to seek assistance into their childlessness challenge it was revealed thaat their plight was due to the fact he offended me and that I should pray and forgive. That was the easy part of it all. Agatha, what I don’t understand and which is bothering me is the fact that I am expected to live with him as his wife before he can ever father a child. I found the whole thing very funny that I drove them away from my house. That was last year. He and his mother have been coming to my house to beg me. my sister has since left him and, only recently at a crusade in my church, the pastor who came for the programme called me out to repeat the same thing. He said, just as the father of my child can’t marry anyone so also would it be difficult for me to be happy with any other man. He went on to say, God wanted to use the situation to teach him a lesson. Sincerely, I am confused. I don’t love him anymore. Besides I have remodeled my life in such a way it has only space for my daughter and I. My experiences with him are very bitter ones. What child would he have come back to if I had terminated it and who would the mother have come to if I had died while trying to abort the child? I don’t think I can live with him for one second. A friend of mine advised I reconsider going by the other disappointments I have experienced after his. I am so confused. Please help me because I don’t have anyone to go to. Worried Woman. Dear Worried Woman, If that is where God wants you to be there is arguing the reason with the one who made you and knows what He wants for you. Rather than delay God’s plans for you, why not on your own seek Him? There is no situation we are going through that isn’t known to God. He sees the end from the beginning and deliberately allows us go through challenging situations to refine us for greater challenges. He isn’t unaware of what happened between the two of you. Don’t forget that you also tried to terminate the life of this child you hold so precious. In a way you also rejected the child like her father and grandmother did. Had God allowed it to happen, you too would have been guilty of the things you are now accusing them of. God gave you the grace to look after that child, favored you with a good job to enable you guard His plans for you and that child. Our God is a forgiving God. Don’t allow whatever happened in the past to eny you of happiness and peace of mind. Good luck.

Marriage: A reason beyond us

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626 Dear Readers, As promised last week, as part of the commemoration of my 50th birthday on the 24th of this month, I will be going into clinic to discuss the marriage institution. Although we daily talk about it, I have discovered that the institution is still veiled in so many myths, misconceptions as well as confusion. Isn’t it funny that an institution meant to bestow happiness and emotional fulfillment on the human race ends up being the source of so much misery and pains? Right from the very beginning of the world, God encapsulated the continuity of the world in the tenets of procreation; which means, the survival of the world is fuelled by relationships. Whatever the age, any form of relationship is required to be healthy. No one can survive the harshness, struggles, and loneliness of the world without the presence of another person. Even man and the environment depend on each other to make the world a safe place to be. The essence of this can be better appreciated when nature revolts against man; the result is man dying in their thousands from natural disasters like the floods and hurricanes we are currently experiencing across the world. Therefore, the concept of marriage, takes its root from, who and what we are to the various environments we live in. Just as the various habitants of earth cannot survive the anger of nature, man and woman need each other to form a healthy existence. But like every game and partnership, there are ground rules to peaceful co-existence of all parties to an agreement. For instance, nature will treat man right if only man recognises his natural bounds. As can be seen, the floods and natural disasters being experienced across the globe is the failure of man to abide by the dictates of his relationship with Mother Nature, for instance building houses and structures in the natural waterways or through productions of nuclear weapons that daily upset the ecological order of things. The intermittent revolt of nature across the world against man and animals is to provoke man into taking a deeper look into his own relationship with those around him. Many of these natural disasters will be averted if man learns to understand and respect the environment he finds himself at all times. This insensitivity and failure of man to appreciate the rights of others, are what we take into our relationships and the reason many marriages are today in grave danger of extinction. So many promising relationships have gone down the drain simply because the other party is too busy feeling important or through sheer ignorance of how to handle certain issues. For any kind of relationship to survive, parties to it must first learn to invest selflessness and wisdom. Every party to a relationship should recognise the different roles of the other and learn to respect these positions. Had Eve recognised the role and position of Adam in their marriage, she would first have consulted him when the serpent came with its bag of tricks aimed at derailing the plans of God for man. Her refusal to acknowledge Adam as the powerbase of their relationship cost both of them and the entire human race our positions in paradise. Rather than walk to paradise, we have to work tirelessly to even get close to it. This is what happens when the wrong factors are played up in a marriage or relationship. Unfortunately, men and women are replicating the same mistake Eve made in the Garden of Eden in the matter of who is in charge as well as who they go into relationship with. Many a time wrong or worthless considerations are played up to the destruction of more fundamental issues. It is not uncommon for parents to pressure their sons and daughters into marriages based on business consideration or financial blessings. A lot of young men and women have ended up with psychological problems due to their failures to properly initialise their relationships long before they even meet the right person. Just like a kindergarten child, every marriage needs the right foundation to peg a relationship. It begins from the nascent moments of life. Our gene is wired by nature to continue the human race hence, whether we know it or not, want it or not, once a child is old enough to recognise its environment, it begins to gravitate towards a member of the opposite gender. The evidence of this is seen in the innocent play of babies. The male toddler’s face lights up in excitement when he sights a female toddler; while she giggles in soft tones reminiscent of the grown up woman’s smile when she meets an admirer. The cycle of life is an amazing intricate web that begins to reinvent itself almost immediately a new life is born. Unfortunately, we are oblivious of the necessity to be conscious of our destiny when making important decisions in life. The primitive gene in us, though has the answer to all the problems in our lives, man through a complete lack of understanding of what life is, looks everywhere but the right place – the heart – for solutions to emotional challenges. Like the mustard seed, a successful relationship/marriage begins with the right feeling and positive thought. For the feeling to yield encouraging roots, it has to be watered with honesty and the right kinds of emotional nutrients. The foundation of a successful relationship/marriage begins from the kinds of examples children are exposed to in their homes. If a child is exposed to love, tolerance and understanding in the marriage of his or her parents, the first and vital lesson is learnt by the child through the example he or she sees, that marriage is a process of sacrifice and respect. But, if a child on the other hand is given the example of a violent marriage, irresponsible father, a nagging as well as abusive mother, these examples go with the child into adulthood and marriage. A materialist and party-loving mother through her example, teaches her daughter to look at the material values of a man rather than the potentials of a man. It will be difficult for such a lady to ever appreciate a struggling and promising man in her life. The same way a highly spiritual woman points her daughter in the direction to go. Except the grace of God is upon a child, the son of a deceitful casanova and drug addict father is bound to take on some of his father’s negative influences. Our childhood exposures are like our skin, they can never be taken off. Often than not, most children pattern their marriages after the ones they grew in. Only in some very rare cases, do children insist on having their dreams. This is why more and more marriages are hitting the rocks. Many couples are ignorantly importing marital issues of their parents into their own marriages; this is in addition to the natural challenges of two complete strangers coming together to make a home. Therefore even before they begin to have their own problems, they already have the challenges from their parents’ marriages to contend with; a sure recipe for confusion, disappointment and frustration in a new marriage. Is it any wonder more and more young couples are throwing in the towel even before the foundation of the marriage has a chance to form? Life is like a river. It brings the past, present and future together. The water from the past always flows into the present and takes it to the future. We cannot escape who we are or the influences of our nascent years. For this reason, parents wishing for their children to have happy homes must be careful of the kinds of baton they are handing over to them. As the first teacher, the imperative thing is on parents to redefine their own marriage, if not for their sakes but in the interest of the children they have brought into the world. This will help in no small way to lessen the rising tide of broken homes. The desire of every parent is to see his or her child happy. This desire shouldn’t stop as a mere wish; it must be followed with a steel clad determination. Giving the child premium academic education is not all that we are required as earthly guardians to do; we are also under obligations to ensure they go into the only institution instituted by God Himself, with the right credentials.

How do I make him happy?

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Please, I want you to educate me on how to make my husband happy; that is, to stop him from having other women in his life. He is a driver and comes home late. Severally, I have seen strange numbers on his phone. Once he knows I have the correct information about a particular woman in his life, he leaves her for another one. Determined Wife. Dear Determined Wife, If you want to be happy in your marriage, learn to develop a very tough skin against some things in his life. The reality of the matter is, no matter how much we women want our men to be faithful to us, a lot of them will never be; they are polygamist in nature. Fighting them over a woman or making yourself unhappy over the presence of another woman in your man’s life is like pouring water on the back of a duck. It will not have any effect on him. You can only make him happy if you are determined to give yourself happiness and peace of mind. This is because what you don’t have, you can’t give. Happiness radiates from within. The truth is, he has always been like this so it isn’t exactly what you are doing wrong that is driving him into the arms of all the other women. Granted at times the behavior of a woman can drive the husband into the waiting arms of another woman; it won’t be a habit with him if he doesn’t have it in him. Such men usually stick to a particular woman outside their marriages, but in a situation where the women are many, it is a habit with the man. Frankly, this is where you should draw the strength to be happy from. His attitude shows none of these women has the stamina or qualities to hold him down for long. At the time he met you, you were probably one of the women but seeing the enduring qualities in you, decided to make you his wife. This is the advantage you have over all the other women he decorates his life with. Therefore for this reason, learn to be at peace with yourself and marriage by pretending not to notice all the others who flock around him. To complain about it now is to lie about your knowledge of this other side of him at the point you accepted his proposal. You like most women, probably thought you could change him. There is no way a man with his kind of passion for women would have been able to disguise this fact from you. One of the ways to be happy is to stop prying into his phone. Just make up your mind to address yourself to his needs when he is with you and the children. You are his wife despite everything; that should give you sufficient security in your marriage as well as relationship with him. As for the other women; regard them as non-issues, toys, he will soon get tired of. To make it easier for you to cope, see this habit of his as a fashion fad that will soon fade. There is no fashion trend that doesn’t expire. He is at that age and when it is time for him to come home fully to you; something will beat him back home. By the time he is unable to cope, attract the women the way he used to, get dumped repeatedly for more attractive and financially viable men, you won’t need to fight him before he comes back home. You will only be giving him a reason to stay out the more if you insist on going through his things or questioning him about the names on his phone or his messages. Adopt the confidence of a woman who knows no other woman can drive her away from her marriage; that none of these women is good enough for him. Develop the emotional well-being to make your nest very tempting for him to always want to come back to. Instead of making yourself unhappy about his lateness and his women, create a distraction for yourself by developing a hobby aimed at taking your mind off the obvious. It could be reading a book, learning to cook better or sew, make hair or anything you have always wanted to do. This is a kind of therapy that helps take the mind off pressing matters of the heart. The more you allow your dream to grow, the happier you are and able to cope with other things. Follow this by making up your mind to study him better; this way, you will discover certain things you didn’t know about him and yourself. For instance, how many times have you sat him down to question him about his views on your performance as a wife, woman and mother? In your years of marriage, how many times have you complimented his looks, praised his efforts as a husband, father and man? How many times have you deliberately carved out time for intimacy between the two of you or offered to take him out on a date? One thing I have found out about the other woman; is her sense of adventure and the boldness to do what the woman in the house will never dare to do. Furthermore, how many times have you done the unthinkable of playing the role of his girlfriend? Marriage isn’t a closed book. It is as dynamic as life itself. Often time, we get the much fun we invest in it. No doubt some men are difficult, almost impossible to please but a wise woman can use that one time he lets down his guard and emotion to make a quick conquest. There is no man resistant to the seduction of a determined woman especially if that woman is his wife. In the intimacy of your bedroom, give him a performance that will erase whatever he is getting outside. You are a woman and his wife, what are you protecting by pretending not to want or know the ways of a man and woman? The rhythm of the music of time, is one every woman honest with herself knows because it is wired into the gene from the Creator. You must be able to discuss without shame or reservation about the quality of your sex life with him. This is one of the secrets the woman outside employs to ensnare the married man. Her easy and deep understanding of the power of a woman makes her a very attractive option to the man who is forever looking for excitement. A lot of time, the inability of the woman at home to upgrade, encourages the man to continue to engage his mistress and at times confiding his innermost secrets in her. If a man gets good sex, good food, a clean and peaceful environment; his heart will never be far from that place. By getting him to grade your performances as a woman and wife, you would be giving the two of you the opportunity to come to a better understanding of the reason you are together; it will also help you create a culture of effective communication in your marriage. There is nothing as powerful and intimate as being able to discuss as a couple. It is a rare gift that helps couples overcome challenges as yours. No matter how tough the mien of a man is, he is always seeking for a special friend he can unburden himself to. It will do you a lot of good to seek help from the past, in those early days in your relationship when you couldn’t stop telling each other everything that happened. Try everything to bring back those days when you could practically talk about anything. There is no end to tolerance, patience, wisdom and open ability to flirt with him even in the presence of his friends and children. When he comes home, no matter the time, don’t nag; rather prepare yourself for him. Feed him, romance him and allow him to feel like the man he is. With prayers, there is nothing that cannot be achieved. Even when he doesn’t feel like talking, allow him the peace he desires but be near him. No matter how hurt you are by his reaction to you, don’t give in to anger. Remember he has a reason for marrying you in the first place but has forgotten as a result of the many challenges inherent in the process of keeping a marriage, home and earning a living. By refusing to be angry, you are helping him to recall that very reason. Also, a good wife prays her husband into success, happiness and peace. Don’t ever bother him; just continue to pray for him. Good luck.

Am I still a virgin at 12 years of age?

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I know at the age of 12, I am not supposed to have a boyfriend who is 18 years of age. I am currently in JSS 2. I have a boyfriend and don’t know if I should call off the relationship or not. I really didn’t plan to have a relationship at my age. We live in different parts of the country and got connected through the Newspapers; though my number got into the newspaper by mistake. Unlike other boys who called talking frivolities on the phone, he was different. He offered me encouragement and told me of the need to face my studies. I really don’t want to get involved with any man until I am 16. When I brought up the issue of whether he has had sex before, he told me not to even think about sex. Agatha, please I now want to think about it because at a very tender age, I was involved in sex. I want to know if I am still a virgin. Confused Girl. Dear Confused Girl, Were you abused as a child or did you go into it of your own accord? If you were abused by someone you know, even under the law at your age, you and your parents can still prosecute the man. This is because his act has damaged you psychologically as well as sexually for the man you want to marry. The fact that you are already having boyfriend at 12 is enough reason for such a man to face the full wrath of the law. But something tells me from the tone of your letter, that your curiosity did get the better of you at the time you decided to experiment with this very adult game. It is clear you have gotten yourself involved in a league far above your years, experience and knowledge. Even at your proposed age of 16 years, you will still be too young to engage in the activities you have started to enjoy. The journey you have embarked on is a very dangerous one that has the ability to totally consume you even before you know what is happening to you. A woman’s life is departmentalized into three categories. Each stage in the life of the woman is to help her become responsible and gain full advantage of her body as desired by God. Every woman at birth comes with all her eggs, everything she needs to become a mother. All she needs are the right nutrients to help her develop well and healthy for the task of child bearing. The premenstrual stage of a woman’s life is when her body reproductive organs and body grow into maturity. When a young girl begins to have sex before her body matures, she risks damage to some sensitive organs inside her body. For instance, the pressure of a man’s organ inside her body could cause extensive damage to her bladder which is why some young girls end up suffering from Vesico Vaginal Fistula . This comes about when a young premature girl either begins to have sex early or she gets pregnant and in the process of childbirth, her still tender bladder gets damaged. Also, premature sex could have delayed medical consequencs in the life of the young woman; the very reason you must be careful of the kind of lifestyle you are about to adopt. At 12, your life has not even started at all. Therefore, whatever you are doing with this man or have done with any other man should be left in the past. Your life is more important than whatever sensual feelings you have for any other man. What if you get pregnant at your age? What would become of you and your plans to be successful in life? How would you feel if you see other young girls like you going to school making a huge success of their lives while you are a mother? Some young girls have been known to get pregnant at the onset of their first ovulation. Because they have never had a menstruation, there is no way for them to know they are pregnant until it is too late. Besides, there are so many emotional and spiritual implications for a woman especially a young one like you who is ignorant in the ways of men and women. Today, so many women are suffering from childlessness, troubled lives and are emotionally unstable as a result of the kinds of men they slept with and the choices they made with these men. Sex itself is a strong kind of covenant between a man and woman. By the time you are ready to marry, you would have entered too many unholy covenants with so many men than you care to remember. And by the time you start experiencing some challenges, you won’t know where to look for solutions. There is also the issue of Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs). Some of these diseases do not begin to manifest until they have gone into their tertiary stages, the dangerous state when treatment is almost impossible. In addition to Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome (AIDS), there are the more deadly syphilis and Hepatitis. Although gonorrhea is generally thought to be the milder of the STDs, the female body can conceal the presence of the infection until it is too late. The same thing applies to many of the STDs when it comes to the women. Unlike men whose early detection of the presence of these diseases in their bodies help them seek urgent medical attention, women because of the internal position of their reproductive organs often go unnoticed until at advanced stages. Gladly the new man in your life appears reasonable; asking you not to contemplate sex at your age showcases him as one who has plans. But because a lot of things can go wrong; turn a man’s good intentions for a woman to bad ones, discontinue contact with him. When the time is right for you to begin having relationships with men, if he is still around, then God has planned him into your life. On the issue of being a virgin; once your seal is broken, there is no replacing it. It has gone forever. A woman can only be deflowered once in her lifetime. So if you have had sex or experienced any kind of deep penetration be it fingers or otherwise; chances are you might have lost your virginity. The only way to confirm whether you are a virgin or not, is through the process of medical examination. There is no way your number could have gotten to the Newspaper House by mistake if you didn’t give it to them. If you didn’t give it to them, you reserve the right to query the media house as to how they came about your number. So the idea that you didn’t give it to them is a lie. But beyond that, is the issue of your own perspective to life. What are your dreams for yourself? What and who do you want to be in life? Your age is the time, people plan their lives; have dreams to pursue in their teenage and youthful years. If your dream now is to have a boyfriend, it will be very difficult for you to do anything else with your life because men to a child your age is a huge distraction; one you don’t need and which you will forever regret. That you are in JSS2 is an encouragement that you have what it takes to make it in life if only you know how to set your priorities. For the sake of your future as well as the children you will have one day, strive to apply the brakes, if not for your sake but for the sake of the children you plan some day. This is especially because of the daughters you will have; so they don’t think your ways and choices are the best for them. Since the awareness of sex has been created; telling you not to go into it is rather belated but you can help yourself with the same measure of interest you have in sex to buy back your future. It is a simple matter of channeling your interest into a more positive area; one that will help you come to terms with your own usefulness to yourself as well as the society. Your life is worth more than you are willing to give it. If you are in Lagos, please find the time to come to our office, Independent Newspapers, 7d Wempco Road, Ogba, Ikeja Lagos I really want to talk to you. If live outside Lagos, send a text, I will call you so we can have a mother-daughter talk. Good luck.

She says her heart belongs to another man

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I appreciate your good work to humanity. May God, who knows your contributions, reward you adequately. The problem is my girlfriend; we met five years ago when I was in my first year at the university. I have since concluded my national youth service. She works as a computer operator. During all these years, I have been the one making all the calls, sending her credit as well as gifts. She has never called me with the credit I send her. Recently, I applied for a visa to travel out of the country, two days to my departure date, I invited her over to my place, we discussed, and I told her of my plans to leave very soon. I asked if she has any other man apart from me, in her life, she told me about one man she knew before she met me. According to her, he is based in Kaduna and only comes home at Christmas; I accepted her explanations because of my unconditional love for her. Unfortunately, my father died before I could travel so, decided to suspend my travel plans to bury my father One Saturday, I called her and she told me she was going to Enugu to help a friend prepare for an event; I said it was okay but I was surprised when she sent me a text message later that night, to say it was over between us. According to the message she sent, she said I have caused her so much pains and that she has been avoiding me for the four years we dated because she never loved me. She revealed that her heart belongs to her boyfriend in Kaduna. She ended her message with the appreciation for all I have done for her. I was both baffled and angry so I called her to ask how I have hurt her. You can imagine my pains when a man, the same one she said lives in Kaduna took my call. He wanted to know the nature of my relationship with her. I didn’t bother to answer him instead, I cut off the conversation. To be candid with you, I had plans to marry this girl. I love her with everything that is me and have had no interest in any other woman since meeting her. To worsen things, she failed to attend my father’s burial ceremony. Her reasons, that, I will not accept her presence at the ceremony. Agatha, you are the one who can correctly advice me. Ejike. Dear Ejike, She has made her stance clear; she has someone else in her life. There is nothing you can do but to move on with your life. It is painful, no doubt, but if you weren’t too blinded by your love for her, you should have suspected the quality of her feelings for you through her behavior. The warmth of a woman’s feelings for a man is often in the way she relates to the man. While a woman can pretend all she wants about her feelings for a particular man, a smart man can always tell from the way she responds to him; the occasional out-burst as well as irritations she cannot control when around him, the nature of her true feelings for him. In fairness to her, she left you a huge clue that should have alerted you to her feelings for you. You are the one who has been doing all the callings even when you send her credits. The fact that she hasn’t for once bothered to call you, even when you send her credit should have told you that thoughts of you were far from her mind. She didn’t pretend rather, you ignored her subtle way of communicating the true state of her feelings to you. In that sense she didn’t betray you at all. The fact that she even told you about the man in her life, the one she knew before she met you, should also have made you probe further into the nature of her feelings for you. Some situations are planned by God to protect us from ourselves. If you had left before she made up her mind to tell you the truth, what would you have done, especially if you had gone announcing to your friends about your woman back home? In a way, she is a good girl because a more cunning woman, knowing how much you love her would have continued to play you for a fool until you are abroad and able to send her the elusive dollars. That she told you the truth about her feelings for you; shows she isn’t materialist at all. For this reason, be grateful she didn’t keep you waiting for too long before opening up on her feelings. Besides, you assumed she wanted to marry her without first seeking her permission or input at all. The fact that you love her, doesn’t mean she must share your feelings, sentiments and thoughts. I am sure if you had bothered to ask her pointed questions about her feelings for you, she would have told you the truth given the way she has been treating your love. Since life itself is a mixed bag of pains, disappointments and joy, try to forget her but not the lessons you have learnt. Life is a process of learning always; this is necessary to avoid you making more mistakes with another woman. Time heals, no matter how deep the wound is. Next time, learn to discuss your plans and feelings with a woman first before making plans around her. Your assumption that she is yours must have caused her pains in her relationship with the other man. There is no way, your calls or messages would have gone unnoticed by the other man in her life who will naturally assume she is cheating on him. Because you are a presence that has refused to go, no matter how cold she treated you for five years, the other man must have quarreled with her a number of times over you. Whatever qualities that made you fall so helplessly in love with her, you can find in another woman. So, stop hurting yourself by moving on. Thankfully, you are set to travel; a change of environment works wonders for a broken heart. The trip and the attendant hassle of settling down will help you forget her. By the time you are ready to love again, ensure every mistake you made with her is corrected in your new relationship. Given what transpired between the two of you, there is no way she would have attended the burial ceremony of your father. For now, it would be best to stop calling her; if she expresses a desire to have you for a friend in her life, oblige her but, let the decision be hers to make. The fact that you both didn’t make it as lovers; doesn’t mean you both can’t still be friends. You cannot wish away five years of being friends. I am sure a lot of things will be clearer to you by the time you meet the woman God has designed for you. Good luck.

What must I do to marry?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I appreciate your way of solving humanitarian problems. I am 29 years old and single. Please Agatha, what must I do to get married? Please I need your advice. Worried Lady. Dear Worried Lady, One of the cardinal rules in life, is not to run beyond God’s plans for one’s life. At 29, you shouldn’t be too desperate as to want to do anything to get married. Life is a big field of different stages we have to go through before getting to the important one of them all. Before you begin to think of the kind of desperate thing you want to do to attract a husband, look at your past with a view of X-raying the things you might have done wrong. Our pass-card to the next level in life, is our plans for our own life. Until now, what kinds of plans have you nurtured for yourself especially the one that concerns your ideal man? What have you done with or to the men that came your way before you got to this point in your life? Did you give the any reason to want to stay? If they were to describe you, what would these men say about you? In most cases, we are our own problems through the choices we make in life. Only a visit to your past can give you the correct answer you seek in your current travails. In addition to praying for the right man, the particular one God designed for you, learn to be responsible, friendly, respectful and humble. In a man/woman relationship, patience is a virtue any day. A woman who isn’t ready to make painful sacrifices will find it difficult meeting or keeping a man in her life. Once you are clear about the kind of man who has what it takes to make you happy, get you going in life, follow up with the practical step of being friendly without appearing desperate. Dress responsible and follow your own desires, not the ones outlined by friends or family members. Once you learn to be truthful to yourself, a lot of things will be easier to accomplish. Good luck.

At 33, I don’t know my father

Dear Agatha, I am a 33-year-old lady born without the presence of a father to take good care of me. I don’t know how it all happened. I would have asked my mother what transpired between her and my father but she isn’t too disposed to answering questions about her relationship with my father. From what I gathered, she took up the responsibilities to care for me by herself. Unfortunately, she couldn’t afford to send me to school. She ignored the fact that I needed to have good education in life. Left with no choice, I had to go and stay with her sister at a tender age all because I desired to have a good education. I was brought to Lagos by this woman who cared so much for me but something happened to make her change dramatically towards me. I still don’t know what changed her to become so dramatically hostile to me. It got so bad she asked me to leave her house. Left with no choice, I went home to see my mother to demand for explanation. It was while at home she told me that someone in the church told her, a curse was placed on me. The voodoo is to make people hate me so much that I would be forced to return to the village. I was told to fast which I did. According to them, only the presence of my father can break the curse which is why I was told to fast for my mother to have a change of heart and take me to my father. To worsen matters my stepfather passed on leaving responsibilities too much for my mother to handle. Much as I would have loved to help, it is so painful that I am limited by my problems. Through self-help I sat for the General Certificate of’ Education (G.C.E) last year but my result has not been released till date. Please tell me what to do? The Bible says we should call upon God night and day for help. I know He is not in the habit of failing anyone who trusts in Him. Now there is this Indian man who wants me to come and work for him but he has placed some very difficult condition which I am uncomfortable with. He wants me to come and live with him in his house as his mistress. I don’t want to do that but I have no choice but to accept the offer. I may not have money but I don’t want to exchange my body for money because to me this is fornication? Please tell me what to do before I go into this relationship. Sincerely speaking, I am not be happy with the situation and wouldn’t want to offend God. my mother is refusing to introduce me to my father or his family. Till date, I don’t have any information concerning my father or his family; not even his name or that of his family. I have suffered so much and would not want to compromise my situation with God. I am of the belief he would make a way for me. I am so confused. Victoria. Dear Victoria, Your mother is the major architect of your problem. Why is she refusing to introduce you to your father or his family? Why is she allowing you go through this difficulty in life? Why did she stop your father from having access to you when she knows she is incapable of taking care of you or help you with information on how to better your life? What does she expect you to do in your current situation; sell your body to make ends meet? It is your right to know who your father is. At 33, you are more than old enough to be told who you father is. To continue to keep silent about his identity is to call to question her knowledge of who your father really is. This is the point you must emphasis when demanding from her to see your father. She must understand the emotional and spiritual trauma of you growing up without knowing the man whose sperm fathered you. Make her understand that whatever the issue was between them should not be allowed to mar your identity especially as you risk marrying any of your father’s relations or even your father for that matter out of ignorance. Let her also know that if she truly cares about you, she should be worried at the prophesy given in the church about the curse placed on you. If need be, go to her people or the leadership of the church to plead your case with her. She has to be made to appreciate that you are no longer a child but a full grown woman who ought to by now have settled and raising a family of her own. They should tell her there is no way you can move forward in life without her help in mending the crack she created in your foundation. Let them assure her that you won’t be offended or deny her as a mother if she tells you the truth concerning her past. Chances are, her refusal to tell you is fear of being rejected by you. Assure her that you understand that human beings are prone to mistakes, especially a young girl whose hormones are more than active or out of desperation for a better life, do certain things contrary to moral standards. Being a mother now, the fear of losing the respect you have for her by opening a chapter she considers closed for life. To get her to open up, you have to show a remarkable understanding and healthy respect for the decisions she took dating your father and for asking to keep you. To totally condemn her for would be totally wrong as you don’t have the experience of what motivated her decisions then. Besides, your condemnation may leave her a permanent prisoner of her conscience and guilt. Honestly at this stage, you won’t achieve much by fighting her. granted you have every reason to be angry, bitter but without you applying the much needed wisdom, it might be impossible for you to break her 33 year of silence. If she still refuses to tell you, there must be someone in her family who knows what happened in the past. Ask her siblings or relations. She must have someone who remembers her past, that can give you a clue into her past. The information may not be sufficient but it would be more than enough for you to go by. There is also the need for you to learn from her mistakes. Already, you are about to make the same mistake your mother made by going to live with a man whose intentions and desires for your body is obvious to you. What if he decides to force himself on you since you live all alone with him in his house? Would you blame him for doing what he has expressly told you he wanted? Do you think he would accept any responsibility for any child that comes from both of you sleeping together? To be candid with you, whether you like it or not, you are already in a relationship with him because it is only a matter of time before he gets what he wants from you as long as you live under his roof. No matter the hardship or confusion generated by your situation, accepting to live with him has compromised whatever moral standards you claim to have. In a way what you are facing should give you a little bit of understanding into the reasons for the choice your mother made back then even though it still doesn’t excuse her reasons for not telling you who your father is. Sincerely, living in your boss’ house isn’t an option at all. Instead appeal to him to help you look for a job elsewhere to take the pressure of you. Also learn to be focused and determined to succeed in life. If it would help, there are countless of women and men who have walked along this part before and are today huge success because they made the choice to rise above their situation in life. Every situation we find ourselves in life is intended to teach us how to be strong and in control of our situation. At 33, you should have overcame this situation had you been determined to. Nobody can do it for you, not even your mother. Whatever the curse maybe, it can be broken once you summon the will to help yourself. Are you saying if your mother had died before this revelation came up, you would have gone to her grave to give you the information about your father. Though it hurts not to know who you fully are, the fact remains that you have a father who is above all fathers, one who cannot change and always ready to help you anytime you ask for His assistance. Begin your journey towards self actualization by going for deliverance. Pray and ask God for direction on how to go about it. you need Him to lead you to a pastor He has equipped to deliver you. Honesty and complete trust in God are what you need to overcome your situation. As you have found out, even parents are capable of failing one so give yourself up completely to God because that is where your help comes from. Help yourself by checking on your own ways too because most times we are our very own enemies. If you haven’t done it already, don’t cheapen yourself by sleeping with this man. It isn’t worth it. Good luck.

My husband sleeps with my cousin, impregnates another woman

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com , gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am currently a very confused woman; everybody is blaming me for this problem but I am like the average woman who has a career. There is no way I can always be at home. I go out to work not because I want to but I have to, to make ends meet. Besides it would be unfair to expect me to sit at home after the resources my parents spent on sending me to school. The least my husband can do is to respect me for that and give me all the support; not to be disgraced the way he is. Recently, I came back from a six weeks course abroad to discover that my husband has been sleeping with my cousin, I brought in to help with the children and another lady who is currently pregnant for him. I discovered that my husband has been sleeping through my four year old son, who told me the night I came back if his auntie was going to sleep in my bedroom with his daddy. At first I didn’t make sense of the question until I asked him to explain. Despite attempts by my cousin to hush him up, he told me that whenever he goes to pee in the night, he always see my cousin and his daddy sleeping together on the bed. The other children confirmed the incident because at various times in the night when they needed something, they have traced my cousin to my room. I was still struggling to come to terms with this information when my husband’s phone beeped. He must have forgotten to take the phone out with him when he left with a family friend to rush his sick mother to the hospital. I honestly didn’t mean to pry but the hurt of finding out about my cousin as well as the urge to find out who the text message was from made me to open his message box. I wish I didn’t because I found out that another woman is carrying his baby. The sender of the mail was asking him for more money to shop for baby items. That night, I didn’t bother to sleep in the house with my children. I checked into an hotel not far from our home and switched off all my phones so that he couldn’t get me or the children. When he left home, I went home to pack few things for my children and I. I have since refused to talk to him or anyone else. I don’t ever want to see him, my cousin or any one in our two families. My office obliged me, with my annual leave, to rest and take care of personal things but, soon my leave will be over. I have the option of asking for a transfer to another state or leaving the country completely. I am yet to make up my mind. I don’t ever want to see him again just as I have made up my mind to end the marriage. But my eldest daughter who is just 11 wants to go with her father. She is giving so much trouble and is in touch with her father. Her siblings say their father has been to their school to see them and that she tells him everything about us. Because of her, I now stay in a nice lodge with no visible address. What do I do since I foresee problem with my eldest daughter. I also gathered that my cousin is still in the house with him. Hurting Wife. Dear Hurting Wife, Don’t behave like a foolish ostrich who hides its head in the sand while the rest of its body is in view of the pursuer. That man in question, inspite of all he has done, is your home and that house your home. You have the final decision of what goes on in that house, who stays and who leaves. Your position in that house is not in dispute. Leaving without an attempt to retrieve your home from these manipulative women in the life of your husband gives the impression that you were only waiting for an excuse to end your marriage. Sad and emotionally traumatic as the situation in your home is, don’t give up so easily. Whatever your decision is at the end of it all, ensure none of these women takes over your man. Your cousin should be thrown out while the one pregnant should not be given any chance to come in as a second wife. Let her have her baby and when the child is old enough, bring the child into the house to frustrate her attempts at using the child as a bait for your husband’s attention. Irrespective of who so ever is pregnant for him, your position as his wife and the mother of his first set of children gives you unrivaled authority to decide what you want now. You simply cannot walk away from your marriage just like that. Even if you make up your mind to leave, what about the children who cannot divorce their father as easily as you can end your relationship with your husband? There is no avoiding discussing this issue whether now or later. Your histories are interwoven into each other by the gifts of those children you both share. Your cousin has remained in that house because you are not there to show her the exit door. Since you appear to have capitulated your home so easily, she has taken over. Whatever it will cost you in pride and pains, go back to your home at least for the sake of the children. Make it your business to confront your man with what you discovered. Give him the opportunity to defend himself. It is immaterial if he is telling you the truth or not; the important thing is for you to know what your mistakes were in the marriage. While time heals the pains, the truth sets one free as well as point one at the right path. You also have to consider the feelings of your children. If your eldest daughter is asking for her father; the others will soon follow her example. They may in their own way decide to make life very unbearable for you. so it is essential that you factor their feelings and interest into your decision. It is only when you deal with all the extraneous issues that you can deal with the matter of his betrayal. He has to explain why he decided your cousin was the best woman to have a relationship with or allow another woman get as far as getting pregnant for him. However, you must also accept your mistakes. Being a career woman isn’t an excuse for any woman to neglect her home or become very careless on the care and welfare of her husband and children. Although you didn’t dwell much on the time you spend with your family, something tells me that in some important ways, you too are not without blame. Your first office and career is to your home and children. No doubt, women can multi-task, but in the matter of home management and playing detailed attention to the needs of her man, a wise woman devotes more time. Let the family wade into it for the simple reason of your cousin’s involvement in an affair with your husband. Only the might of the family can deal with such a determined young lady. Besides, the decision you are about to make now is too important to be left to chance. One day, when you are a bit older and time has mellowed your pains, you will appreciate the wisdom of sorting things out properly. God is your wisdom and strength. You need Him now more than ever before. Good luck

My sister-in-law is an irritant

gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Please help me resolve the crisis I am having in my marriage as a result of the behavior of my sister-in-law who is making my home a living hell. Unmarried and far older than my husband, she has taken over the running of my home. She came on a visit and has refused to go. It has been four months since she has been staying with us. I have never before met anyone so troublesome and authoritative as this woman. She is so selfish; that she is deaf and blind to the needs or emotions of everyone around her. She tells my maids what to cook, how to arrange my home and dress my children. She practically determines the right time for my husband to retire to bed or the car I use. If I make the attempt to take a particular car, she would come to announce her desire to take the car out that day. To avoid problems, I will give in to her. As a result, she has turned my home into a living hell so much so she determines what my husband and I wear to parties. The thing is, I don’t know how to tell her to leave my home since my husband is incapable of facing up to her. He is the last born and she is the first born. She is 22 years older than my husband. All the other wives in the family fear her and pray against her coming to their homes. The marriage of her third brother almost broke up as a result of her nature. It took the combined efforts of their late mother’s sister and her immediate younger brother to mend that home. Unfortunately, this woman passed on about six months ago. Please help me before she collapses my marriage because I can no longer tolerate her. All my domestic staff take orders from her, rather than me. This is because she counters my every order. I am scared because I have only through the grace of God, managed my temper to this moment. If she stays longer than she has done, I might end up insulting her one of these days. These days, I stay back in the office even when I don’t have anything to do just to avoid her stress. My husband has consistently pleaded with me not to be angry that I should consider her attitude as one of the sacrifices a woman makes for the sake of her husband. I love my husband so much. He is the best man I have seen in my life, the exact opposite of his tyrant sister. When she begins, he simply walks away which, often infuriates her the more. My husband is a perfect gentle man; never gets into argument with anybody. Even when I try to make trouble with him, he simply walks away rather than get into any confrontation with me. We have been married for over a decade. This is the first time she is staying for this long and the first time I have ever had cause to quarrel or have a disagreement with my husband or any member of his family for that matter. Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, Dealing with this kind of sister-in-law requires wisdom else, you will end up hurting the success of your home. Given the number of years between her and your husband, it will be difficult for him to stand up to her because she is like his mother. Besides, the kind of man you described will never get into any confrontation with his elder sister. I guess he has too much respect for her as a woman and elder sister especially one who must have looked after him from the first moments of his life. Like your husband said, you must be ready to make the necessary sacrifice for the sake of your home. I know the temptation of putting her in her place, reminding her that you are in your husband’s house and as such the mistress of the home is strong but, you must also consider that your husband will be affected if you allow the situation to degenerate beyond this situation. Since your husband is too junior to talk to her, there must be somebody in the family who can make her understand the harm she is doing to her brother’s home. Tell the brother or sister next to her what she is making you go through in your home. Drop the hints that you are contemplating moving out of the house with your children since she has rendered your presence and wishes meaningless. The insinuation that you might be forced to pack out of your matrimonial home with your children if nothing is done by the family to bring her to control, will definitely prompt your husband and his people to find ways of evicting her from your home. While you transfer the burden of making her leave your home to the family, give them a time limit after which you will no longer listen to their pleas or tolerate her presence anymore. Even though deep down you have no intentions of vacating your matrimonial home for her, give your in-laws and husband the impression when presenting your position that you are serious about your decision. It will hasten your husband’s determination to confront her. And whenever you are at home and within audible range of where your sister-in-law is, chat with an imaginary friend about the situation in your home and your desire to quit your home on account of lack of peace and respect in your home. Make it clear to your imaginary friend, that your sister-in-law, and not your husband, is your problem and that you don’t know how to confront the issue because she is old enough to be your mother. End your one-sided conversation with the declaration of your love for her but that she is making it impossible for you to love her anymore since she is causing you so much pains in your once-happy home. There is also the need for you and your husband to talk as friends. This is important so he doesn’t begin to develop the impression that you are really serious about leaving him. If you don’t properly explain your reasons as well as what you hope to achieve by your insistence that unless his family do something about his elder sister, he might begin to doubt your motives. Tell him about the ploy of conversing with an imaginary friend to pass on the message of your unhappiness to his sister. Furthermore, since you know what annoys her, learn to ignore her. In the morning, instead of instructing your domestic staff on what to do, go into your kitchen to prepare a meal for your family. If she comes into the kitchen, greet her with respect after which you ignore her. When you finish with your task, go into your bedroom with your husband’s meal. Ensure the children are fed too with the meal you prepare for them. If on a working day, it means you have to wake up earlier to personally supervise the affairs of your children and husband. At weekends, make arrangements for you, your husband and children to go out. And when at home, exclude her from whatever plans you are making. By the time she has nobody to talk to or harass, she will soon get bored and ask to be taken to her house. She wants attention and knows that by making the place uncomfortable for everybody, people will attend to her just to get rid of her from their hair. She has consistently gotten away with this attitude that she has since stopped her knowing when she is making a huge nuisance of herself. That is why she doesn’t like it if people walk away from her presence. She has grown used to being feared, listened to and having what she wants as a result of her constant harassment of people. This is how she gets her joy; once you are able to demystify her, you will be surprised at the kind of results you will get. She won’t stay a moment longer since there is nobody to be intimidated. She has stayed this long because you made your home too comfortable for her. You gave her too much room to operate. By ignoring her every wish and silently insisting on what you want in your home, she will know without saying anything that you are just as determined be in charge of your home and family. If she has any particular preference for a food, let the maid prepare it for her but feed your family with what you want. Wear your children clothes of your choice and use the car you want. Accord her every respect she deserves but let her know through your actions whose home it is. Also, pray to God for help. Often than not, we run circles around ourselves when it is a simple matter of turning over our challenges to God for the perfect solution. Every tyrant has a match in God. Despite attempts at making her leave your house, continue to be gentle, respectful and loving towards your husband. Good luck.

She is cheating on me

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, The problem I am about to share with you started last year when I went for National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) in Northern part of Nigeria. While there I met a lady I fell in love with. We actually agreed to get married. Sometime last year, she left for Lagos where she actually lives. Almost immediately, I began to hear uncomplimentary stories about her. There were rumours that she keeps the company of a particular man and that they are always seen close to the house. Initially, I doubted the stories thinking they are malicious and intended to break us. But my initial confidence in her began to wane when she began to make some inexplicable visits to places I don’t know. For instance, in December last year, she travelled on the 23rd and didn’t return until January this year. When I asked where she went, she told me she went to visit her mother’s brother in Yola. Another time, she left for a nearby village. She came back with a very glamorous hairstyle decorated with very expensive beads. When I asked how she got the money for such expensive hairstyle, she said she did some jobs while there. In the same January, I saw her with the same man I have been told she is having affair with through the window of my room discussing. She came back when she noticed I have come back home. Since I wasn’t sure of what it was they were discussing or the nature of his visit, I pretended as if I didn’t see anything and went out of the house again. I went to stay in a place that gave me a good view of the house. Almost immediately I left she went back to the house behind my window where I earlier viewed both of them discussing. I waited for five hours before she came out of the house. Five minutes after the man left the place also. When I asked where she has been throughout the time she was out, she told me she went somewhere with her brother. At that point, I had no option but to confront her with what I saw. Almost instantly, her story changed that she actually went into the house I saw her go into but that nothing happened between her and the man. She said she only went in there to discuss with the man and denied having anything sexual to do with the man. Agatha, she has kept denying having an affair with this man and each time she says it, there are tears in her eyes. Do you think she is innocent? Can I still trust her? I don’t want to make mistake, please advise me. Max. Dear Max, You are the one close to her, what do you think? Do you think she actually spent five hours with a man in a closed room just discussing without sleeping with him? What was so important about the nature of their discussion that couldn’t have been discussed in your house with you in attendance or in the open where other people can witness what they are doing? For them to have discussed for five hours underscored the seriousness of the issue at stake, shouldn’t she have first consulted, gotten your consent on the issue before going to see him in a closed room? Who is this man to her? Why did she lie at first that she went out with her brother? What efforts has she made to introduce you to the man? Why is the man constantly around her? Why do people think they are actually having an affair? These are questions begging for answers from her. This is not a matter of you not wanting to make a mistake, but rather of you facing the reality of the messy situation you found yourself. Trust isn’t an abstract thing. It grows from circumstances we daily go through. If this woman claims to be innocent of what the rumours going on about her and this man; as well as what you witnessed, then she has to do a lot more than tears in her eyes to clear up the maze of confusion, suspicions and embarrassments her conduct with this man have created in your life. Deep down, what do you think? If you want to be very honest with yourself, do you think she is telling you the truth or simply playing you for a fool? Yes, a man and woman can have healthy platonic relationship but not one that leaves so many gaps like hers with this man. Why would a woman you are in a relationship with leave the house without telling you where she is going? Go on vacations without you knowing where precisely or come back to announce she went to work? When she was leaving for the visit, did she tell you it would include her working? What sort of job did she do while there and why did she do it? The point is that you are not in charge of the woman you are in a relationship with. You are either afraid to face the truth about the kind of situation you are in or don’t even know what you have gotten yourself into. Even if she isn’t having an affair with this man she has created the suspicions she must work first at clearing before you can even talk of not wanting to make a mistake. It is either you are man enough to ask her pressing questions, what precisely is her occupation as well as her feelings for you. A woman that shows no scruple leaving her home for five hours to ‘discuss’ with another man in a private room shows a total lack of respect for your person. If you were the one dancing around a woman, goes off without her knowing where your destination is, how would she feel? While you have every right to love her and try to make the relationship work, be mindful of the kind of future you have in mind with her. You may think it is a situation you can cope with but it is always a different game when it comes to marriage. Frankly, sit her down for a thorough discussion. Ask her how she feels about the reputation she is acquiring for herself through her kind of lifestyle. Chances are that there are so many things she isn’t telling you about her feelings for you and that what you think you both have going on only exists in the figment of your imagination. Also what do you know about this woman? Are you sure you know enough about her to make you a good wife? Marriage isn’t a simple thing. It is too complex and complicated for you to treat with such levity. Don’t short-change yourself if you have the power to bargain for something more positive for yourself now. Sometimes it takes more than love to make a marriage work. Love needs good character, respect and responsibility to make it work well. You don’t hold on too tightly to something out of fear it will go. If this woman isn’t yours, no matter how much you try to look the other way, she will definitely go. So stop worrying over a situation you cannot control that is firmly in the hands of God the creator who sees the end from the beginning. Good luck.

When he wooed me, I snubbed him, now I want him badly

Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Four years ago, this man in my office asked me out, declared his intentions to marry me. Because he wasn’t as good looking as I dreamt my man should be, I declined his offer. But that didn’t stop him from asking me to marry him. Until two years ago, he was still asking me to marry him. The guy I was dating then, after three weeks of leaving me got married to another woman. It was so painful an experience but I kept trusting God that someone else will come into my life. Since then, it has been very difficult attracting a man let alone finding one who is interested enough to make a marriage proposal to me. I am fed up. All my friends are married and have started making babies. At the point I was thinking of making overtures to the guy in the office, I discovered he would be getting married in a month’s time. I have suddenly realised he is a very good man and responsible too. He has the best set of lips and dentition I have ever seen. What more he isn’t really bad just that at the time he first came, I wasn’t interested. Now I am very interested but there is another woman in his life. I want him desperately. Some of my close friends I shared the story with think there is still something I can do about it. One of them said I should go and declare my love for him, while two others said I should seek spiritual help in getting his interest back in me. They argued, a position I shared too, that since I have always been the one he truly loves, he went for her because I turned him down. And that once he finds out that I love him, he will call off his wedding plans to the other woman. Agatha, I need your help. How do I convince this man of my true love for him? Do you know of any good spiritualist I can approach for help? Is there anything you can do for me to get him back? I was 35 in June. Ewa. Dear Ewa, Pride goes before a terrible fall. Your case is the proverbial rejected cornerstone becoming the most sought after. Had your boyfriend not disappointed you, would you have made this kind of dramatic U-turn in your long held opinion of this man? Why do you suddenly want a man you persistently turned down, said he wasn’t good enough for your dreams. Didn’t measure up to the kind of man you admired for a husband? Would you have even considered him if your former boyfriend had remained in your life, or one of the ideal men by your standards, had come to you for your hand in marriage? It is too late for you to want this man. He is getting married to another woman who saw beyond what you failed to recognise in him when he offered to share his life with you. You had your chance to be his wife but you threw it away for flimsy excuses. What has good looks got to do with marriage? Do you marry a man on account of how he looks or because he is responsible and understanding? Why has it suddenly occurred to you that he has the best set of teeth and smile? These qualities have always been there. He didn’t develop that kind of teeth yesterday or the smile for that matter. The notice you have of them now calls to question the sincerity of your interest in him as well as the worth of your feelings for him. This man doesn’t need you in his life because your feelings for him aren’t skin deep. They are superficial and won’t last the bumpy marital road. It takes a special kind of love, devotion, determination and understanding of all the kinds of sacrifices embedded in the precept of marriage to overcome all the natural and man-made challenges that come with being married to a person. If from the first time he came to you, all you saw in him are imperfection, nothing he does will ever be good enough for you. This is why after a while he stopped asking you because he found another woman blessed with the abilities to help him overcome his disabilities and was willing to overshadow him with the best of her qualities. She gave him his unconditional trust to get him to want to keep her for life. To go to him is to expose your deceit and confusion. Nobody can help you because you are yet to come to terms with reality. From your e-mail, you don’t even know who you are or what you want. To identify the right man for you, you must first recognise whom you are. At 35, you are no longer a young lady and romantic teenager or young adult. You are a mature woman who by right should know that life doesn’t always go or give what we want. And that life itself is a process of compromises. If you are unwilling to give up something to get that thing you require for life to move smoothly, disappointment is often the end result. At the time he wanted you, you were too blinded by your self-importance to recognise his inherent qualities. He was and will never be yours. The fact that he made attempts to date you doesn’t make him yours. He is just like every other man that has come to ask you for a date. Why aren’t you talking about the man who got married three weeks after you both broke-up? Surely, that should bother you more than this man you never gave a chance to get close to you. The bottom line is – you are desperate. What your friends are asking you to do is what frantic women do. Are your friends not married? Are they not women? How would they feel if another woman goes to a spiritualist to get their men to like her? How would you feel for that matter if another woman wants to snatch your man? How did you feel when you heard your ex was getting married after only three weeks of you leaving each other? This man and woman didn’t offend you in any way. The man’s only crime was declaring his interest in you, which you rejected. So how is it the fault of that man or the woman he is going to marry some few weeks away? Why do you want to go to a spiritualist to destroy this couple when you should be seeking help for your inability to attract the attention of another man? Or is it the fault of this man or the woman he is about to marry that no man is interested in you again? Don’t do something you will end up regretting for the rest of your life because even if you succeed in stopping their marriage, nothing says he will come to you. Besides, nobody can upturn what God has ordained. If this couple has the blessing of heaven, you will be fighting a lost battle. If care isn’t taken, you will end up adding to your problems. Therefore don’t listen to your friends or capitulate to that destructive voice in you. Rather go on your knees to ask God for mercy and forgiveness. Chances are that God is punishing you for your arrogant disposition to this man when he came to ask for your hand in marriage. These friends should have told you to pray and even offer to pray along with you to ask for mercy. If they had asked you to seek a spiritualist to know why you are no longer attractive to men, it would have been understandable. Their offer and manner of assistance to you clearly spells out the kinds of friends you all are to yourselves because I am sure as your friends, you must have told them about this man’s interest in you and persistence then. Why didn’t they try to match-make you with the single men around, friends or relatives of their husbands who are single? The fact that none of them could talk sense into you, encouraged you not to throw away perhaps the only man heavens ordained for you as a husband, should tell you, if you are wise, to run away from them. Forget about this man. He isn’t yours. The best you can do is to wish him and his wife the very best in life and marriage. Free yourself from any form of needless bitterness. Help comes from only God. If you are in right standing with Him, there is nothing impossible in His dictionary. You will discover 35 would be like 16 when He is set to do something great in your life. Make peace with Him and forget whatever solutions your friends have suggested. Good luck.

She isn’t fair enough…

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am an ardent reader of your columns. There is a saying that says it is better to do what’s right than to insist on being right. I am 30-year-old, the eldest of my siblings. My immediate younger brother is married and already has a child. My people are pressurising me to marry irrespective of the fact that I am still in school. I’m demure and resilient. I used to have a girl friend always pestering me for money. Now, I have met another girl through her mother. It happened at a place I frequent to meet my friends. Because it is a place I must go to meet my friends, the lady’s mother is pressurising me to befriend her but I have refused. She’s into foodstuff business and always pestering me to buy on credit, though sometimes I oblige her. I can’t avoid her because she’s at the exit of the house. She always says she loves me because I am quiet. She’s from my hometown but married from another town. To get out of her pressure, I told her I prefer one of her daughters. Since the younger sister is the only one I have met besides the fact that the second daughter is always sharper than the first sister. So, I settled for the second. Agatha, I want to know if I should go ahead with this relationship. She’s through with her secondary education. But the snag is that I like women who are very fair like me. She isn’t as fair as the ladies I have previous dated. Please help me. Bernete. Dear Bernete, The question is: what do you want from this relationship? Whether she is fair or not isn’t as important as the person who resides inside of her. Many a time, in the process of making a choice of who we want to spend the rest of our lives with we market issues that are not as important as those that we would contend with in the union. If just being fair is the only criterion for you, how come those other fair ladies you dated are no longer around you? With the amount of pressure coming from your family, ensure the woman you are going to date now is the kind of woman you can live with for the rest of your life. At this stage of your life, anything can happen that would warrant your family and hers insisting you marry the woman. To avoid a situation where you would end up regretting your decision or blaming people around you for forcing you into a situation you don’t want, pause to think of what you understand by relationship in the first place. Is it for you just a physical thing one premised on outward qualities or the more lasting ones of who the person really is? In addition, this relationship you are about going into calls for tremendous caution. If the conduct of the mother is anything to go by, there is the need for you to be of extreme care. To avoid you ending up with a wife, who like her mother would throw morals to the winds to run after younger men, take time out to study this lady before making any commitment to her. You must devote appreciable time to uncover the mask behind her personality. Issues like her moral values, her temper, attitude towards life as well as her place in your own plans in life are most important than the colour of her skin. There is also the need for you to ask yourself what kind of woman you really want beside you, putting into consideration your dreams in life. Your woman must have the drive and belief in your dreams to help you get to where you hope to be in future. Without the right kind of woman by your side, achieving your dreams would either be a struggle to achieve or die completely as other factors she would throw up at home could frustrate you sufficiently to make you give up on your own plans. For instance, if your dream can only accommodate two children and you end up with a woman whose dream in life is to have as many as 10 children, the difference of eight children is enough to sink your dream forever. So ensure you first offer her friendship, it is the only platform to discover if you and her can make it beyond the point you both are now. In addition, you must also factor in the attitude of her mother? Beyond trusting the daughter, do you think you can trust the motive of her mother? Can you trust her to behave like a mother-in-law should when the daughter isn’t around? A woman who has cravings for a particular man doesn’t just give up. Honestly, this to me is the major worry in all these! Can you contain the unbridle desire of a morally bankrupt mother? Please talk to God to avoid you going into a relationship that could cripple you spiritually. Good luck.

My husband has low self-esteem

WithAgatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626 Dear Agatha, My husband and I married three years ago after five years of courtship. We are both in our 30s. My husband is a very sweet man though very anxious and with low self-esteem. His relationship with his mother is a volatile one – she nags him a lot and is quite critical of him. A priest friend of ours described her as oppressive and my husband, often curses and swears at her in their conversations and when being nice, talks to her in a baby voice. I get on well with her although I’m often in the middle of their arguments. His father is emotionally absent as he keeps his head buried in newspapers all the time. One of the problems in my marriage is that my husband refuses to spend time with my own parents and indeed some of my workmates. My workmates and family all want to spend time with him. Prior to marrying him, I was extremely close to my family. Now we are not. He gives different excuses to avoid spending time with them and I am constantly putting my family and friends off. I sense he is scared of them getting the wrong impression about him and I also think for some unknown reasons he might dislike them. He constantly competes with me and if I, quite innocently, bring up some subject about an achievement I attained during a conversation, he will put on a stupid mocking voice and say, “oh how wonderful you are!” Often I am mindful of what I say when conversing with him as he can be very touchy and sensitive. The few times he visited my parents, he took alcohol or drugs to calm his anxiety. Since I don’t like him resorting to the use of these drugs, I have had to give in to what he wants – that is, not spending time with my parents. As a result, my entire family and colleagues feel I have something against them as I have distanced myself from them all; giving my attention to my husband. I haven’t told them why I have distanced myself from them as I do not want to betray my husband in any way. I recognise that he may be mentally ill but, he does not think so as he has always been this way. He realises how it upsets me and my family but, he doesn’t seem to give that much thought. I pray a lot too. Any advice? Struggling Wife Dear Struggling Wife, If you courted for five years, you must have known or noticed this aspect of his person. This isn’t something he could have hidden from you for too long. You married him knowing you could cope with his emotional disabilities. To want to change him now is to further set him off on a path that will completely destroy him forever. It is either you learn to cope as you coped during your courtship years or simply pretend that aspect of him doesn’t exist at all. Two things would happen when you try too much to change him from the person who he currently is to what you want him to be; first you will simply be replacing his mother with yourself in his life and second, you will make him hate you like he obviously hates his mother. It isn’t easy growing up with a domineering mother; one who thinks and treats you like a baby. His mother didn’t only destroy him but turned his father into a hen-pecked husband which is why the father finds safety behind the pages of newspapers. Your husband has, throughout his life, watched and experienced intimidation; what he needs now isn’t another woman who will destroy him as his mother destroyed his father but one who will love and help him out of his predicament. For now, if he doesn’t want to visit your family, allow him be. All his life, he has faced criticism from his mother; no matter how much he tries to please her. Now he isn’t sure of who he is or sure of how to properly conduct himself without risking condemnation from his audience. In plain English, your husband lacks confidence in his choices as a man. His pains are deep and real. He cannot even recognise help and true friendship when he sees one. But, that he managed to fall in love and marry you shows that he isn’t completely lost. He may have married you too because something in your attitude reminds him of his mother. For your sake as well as his, be resolute not to allow that side of you overshadow the soft side of you so your husband too doesn’t take after his father by escaping behind the newspapers. But again, you must also be watchful he doesn’t try to repress you like his mother. The challenge in marrying this kind of man is to be wise and prayerful. Trust me, from experience, it isn’t a bed of roses being married to a man who has been psychologically damaged by his mother. The wife has to be alert that she doesn’t end up being like her mother-in-law or being the victim of her husband’s desire to act like a man for the first time in his life. For this reason, you must have the strength to strike a balance between being supportive and being independent. This is because he is currently mixed up. For the first time in his life, he is free from his mother and her constant naggings, he has a home of his own but deep inside, he is still very afraid of his mother. This fear is why you shouldn’t force him to do anything against his will; rather, find a way of making your family understand why you have kept your distance from them. Your immediate family has to understand why he appears uncomfortable with them; you need their help to make him develop the confidence in himself. He needs understanding to come out of the bondage of his environment. Let them come for a visit instead. Having confided in them, your parents’ show of love will go a long way in helping him see another side of parenting. Through the help of your parents, he will be taught how to love and be loved. The challenge here is to get him to know what love is. A man that swears and curses his mother is obviously lacking in love and respect for everything his mother represents. There is no way that man can ever respect his wife because mothers are the gateway to life. He has never known what true love is all about. You have to teach him what love gives and demands. His cynicism of your achievements is a direct flow from his mother. His mother has never shown appreciation for him or his achievements. He doesn’t have it in him so he cannot give what he doesn’t have. Begin by showering him with compliments and pleasure in all things. Rather than nag his attitude, compliment him; his looks and sense of dressing. Even when you are not too pleased, first compliment him before lovingly pointing out his mistake. Don’t forget he has never been treated with respect or love. He needs you and your family to show him a different kind of life from where he is coming from. It is the only time you can also get him to treat you with respect, be sensitive to your needs and trust you with his everything. He cannot be but selfish because that is the way he has seen his mother behave all his life. Pray for him always and continue to urge him to see a psychiatrist. Good luck.