She says her heart belongs to another man

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I appreciate your good work to humanity. May God, who knows your contributions, reward you adequately. The problem is my girlfriend; we met five years ago when I was in my first year at the university. I have since concluded my national youth service. She works as a computer operator. During all these years, I have been the one making all the calls, sending her credit as well as gifts. She has never called me with the credit I send her. Recently, I applied for a visa to travel out of the country, two days to my departure date, I invited her over to my place, we discussed, and I told her of my plans to leave very soon. I asked if she has any other man apart from me, in her life, she told me about one man she knew before she met me. According to her, he is based in Kaduna and only comes home at Christmas; I accepted her explanations because of my unconditional love for her. Unfortunately, my father died before I could travel so, decided to suspend my travel plans to bury my father One Saturday, I called her and she told me she was going to Enugu to help a friend prepare for an event; I said it was okay but I was surprised when she sent me a text message later that night, to say it was over between us. According to the message she sent, she said I have caused her so much pains and that she has been avoiding me for the four years we dated because she never loved me. She revealed that her heart belongs to her boyfriend in Kaduna. She ended her message with the appreciation for all I have done for her. I was both baffled and angry so I called her to ask how I have hurt her. You can imagine my pains when a man, the same one she said lives in Kaduna took my call. He wanted to know the nature of my relationship with her. I didn’t bother to answer him instead, I cut off the conversation. To be candid with you, I had plans to marry this girl. I love her with everything that is me and have had no interest in any other woman since meeting her. To worsen things, she failed to attend my father’s burial ceremony. Her reasons, that, I will not accept her presence at the ceremony. Agatha, you are the one who can correctly advice me. Ejike. Dear Ejike, She has made her stance clear; she has someone else in her life. There is nothing you can do but to move on with your life. It is painful, no doubt, but if you weren’t too blinded by your love for her, you should have suspected the quality of her feelings for you through her behavior. The warmth of a woman’s feelings for a man is often in the way she relates to the man. While a woman can pretend all she wants about her feelings for a particular man, a smart man can always tell from the way she responds to him; the occasional out-burst as well as irritations she cannot control when around him, the nature of her true feelings for him. In fairness to her, she left you a huge clue that should have alerted you to her feelings for you. You are the one who has been doing all the callings even when you send her credits. The fact that she hasn’t for once bothered to call you, even when you send her credit should have told you that thoughts of you were far from her mind. She didn’t pretend rather, you ignored her subtle way of communicating the true state of her feelings to you. In that sense she didn’t betray you at all. The fact that she even told you about the man in her life, the one she knew before she met you, should also have made you probe further into the nature of her feelings for you. Some situations are planned by God to protect us from ourselves. If you had left before she made up her mind to tell you the truth, what would you have done, especially if you had gone announcing to your friends about your woman back home? In a way, she is a good girl because a more cunning woman, knowing how much you love her would have continued to play you for a fool until you are abroad and able to send her the elusive dollars. That she told you the truth about her feelings for you; shows she isn’t materialist at all. For this reason, be grateful she didn’t keep you waiting for too long before opening up on her feelings. Besides, you assumed she wanted to marry her without first seeking her permission or input at all. The fact that you love her, doesn’t mean she must share your feelings, sentiments and thoughts. I am sure if you had bothered to ask her pointed questions about her feelings for you, she would have told you the truth given the way she has been treating your love. Since life itself is a mixed bag of pains, disappointments and joy, try to forget her but not the lessons you have learnt. Life is a process of learning always; this is necessary to avoid you making more mistakes with another woman. Time heals, no matter how deep the wound is. Next time, learn to discuss your plans and feelings with a woman first before making plans around her. Your assumption that she is yours must have caused her pains in her relationship with the other man. There is no way, your calls or messages would have gone unnoticed by the other man in her life who will naturally assume she is cheating on him. Because you are a presence that has refused to go, no matter how cold she treated you for five years, the other man must have quarreled with her a number of times over you. Whatever qualities that made you fall so helplessly in love with her, you can find in another woman. So, stop hurting yourself by moving on. Thankfully, you are set to travel; a change of environment works wonders for a broken heart. The trip and the attendant hassle of settling down will help you forget her. By the time you are ready to love again, ensure every mistake you made with her is corrected in your new relationship. Given what transpired between the two of you, there is no way she would have attended the burial ceremony of your father. For now, it would be best to stop calling her; if she expresses a desire to have you for a friend in her life, oblige her but, let the decision be hers to make. The fact that you both didn’t make it as lovers; doesn’t mean you both can’t still be friends. You cannot wish away five years of being friends. I am sure a lot of things will be clearer to you by the time you meet the woman God has designed for you. Good luck.