My sister-in-law is an irritant

gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Please help me resolve the crisis I am having in my marriage as a result of the behavior of my sister-in-law who is making my home a living hell. Unmarried and far older than my husband, she has taken over the running of my home. She came on a visit and has refused to go. It has been four months since she has been staying with us. I have never before met anyone so troublesome and authoritative as this woman. She is so selfish; that she is deaf and blind to the needs or emotions of everyone around her. She tells my maids what to cook, how to arrange my home and dress my children. She practically determines the right time for my husband to retire to bed or the car I use. If I make the attempt to take a particular car, she would come to announce her desire to take the car out that day. To avoid problems, I will give in to her. As a result, she has turned my home into a living hell so much so she determines what my husband and I wear to parties. The thing is, I don’t know how to tell her to leave my home since my husband is incapable of facing up to her. He is the last born and she is the first born. She is 22 years older than my husband. All the other wives in the family fear her and pray against her coming to their homes. The marriage of her third brother almost broke up as a result of her nature. It took the combined efforts of their late mother’s sister and her immediate younger brother to mend that home. Unfortunately, this woman passed on about six months ago. Please help me before she collapses my marriage because I can no longer tolerate her. All my domestic staff take orders from her, rather than me. This is because she counters my every order. I am scared because I have only through the grace of God, managed my temper to this moment. If she stays longer than she has done, I might end up insulting her one of these days. These days, I stay back in the office even when I don’t have anything to do just to avoid her stress. My husband has consistently pleaded with me not to be angry that I should consider her attitude as one of the sacrifices a woman makes for the sake of her husband. I love my husband so much. He is the best man I have seen in my life, the exact opposite of his tyrant sister. When she begins, he simply walks away which, often infuriates her the more. My husband is a perfect gentle man; never gets into argument with anybody. Even when I try to make trouble with him, he simply walks away rather than get into any confrontation with me. We have been married for over a decade. This is the first time she is staying for this long and the first time I have ever had cause to quarrel or have a disagreement with my husband or any member of his family for that matter. Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, Dealing with this kind of sister-in-law requires wisdom else, you will end up hurting the success of your home. Given the number of years between her and your husband, it will be difficult for him to stand up to her because she is like his mother. Besides, the kind of man you described will never get into any confrontation with his elder sister. I guess he has too much respect for her as a woman and elder sister especially one who must have looked after him from the first moments of his life. Like your husband said, you must be ready to make the necessary sacrifice for the sake of your home. I know the temptation of putting her in her place, reminding her that you are in your husband’s house and as such the mistress of the home is strong but, you must also consider that your husband will be affected if you allow the situation to degenerate beyond this situation. Since your husband is too junior to talk to her, there must be somebody in the family who can make her understand the harm she is doing to her brother’s home. Tell the brother or sister next to her what she is making you go through in your home. Drop the hints that you are contemplating moving out of the house with your children since she has rendered your presence and wishes meaningless. The insinuation that you might be forced to pack out of your matrimonial home with your children if nothing is done by the family to bring her to control, will definitely prompt your husband and his people to find ways of evicting her from your home. While you transfer the burden of making her leave your home to the family, give them a time limit after which you will no longer listen to their pleas or tolerate her presence anymore. Even though deep down you have no intentions of vacating your matrimonial home for her, give your in-laws and husband the impression when presenting your position that you are serious about your decision. It will hasten your husband’s determination to confront her. And whenever you are at home and within audible range of where your sister-in-law is, chat with an imaginary friend about the situation in your home and your desire to quit your home on account of lack of peace and respect in your home. Make it clear to your imaginary friend, that your sister-in-law, and not your husband, is your problem and that you don’t know how to confront the issue because she is old enough to be your mother. End your one-sided conversation with the declaration of your love for her but that she is making it impossible for you to love her anymore since she is causing you so much pains in your once-happy home. There is also the need for you and your husband to talk as friends. This is important so he doesn’t begin to develop the impression that you are really serious about leaving him. If you don’t properly explain your reasons as well as what you hope to achieve by your insistence that unless his family do something about his elder sister, he might begin to doubt your motives. Tell him about the ploy of conversing with an imaginary friend to pass on the message of your unhappiness to his sister. Furthermore, since you know what annoys her, learn to ignore her. In the morning, instead of instructing your domestic staff on what to do, go into your kitchen to prepare a meal for your family. If she comes into the kitchen, greet her with respect after which you ignore her. When you finish with your task, go into your bedroom with your husband’s meal. Ensure the children are fed too with the meal you prepare for them. If on a working day, it means you have to wake up earlier to personally supervise the affairs of your children and husband. At weekends, make arrangements for you, your husband and children to go out. And when at home, exclude her from whatever plans you are making. By the time she has nobody to talk to or harass, she will soon get bored and ask to be taken to her house. She wants attention and knows that by making the place uncomfortable for everybody, people will attend to her just to get rid of her from their hair. She has consistently gotten away with this attitude that she has since stopped her knowing when she is making a huge nuisance of herself. That is why she doesn’t like it if people walk away from her presence. She has grown used to being feared, listened to and having what she wants as a result of her constant harassment of people. This is how she gets her joy; once you are able to demystify her, you will be surprised at the kind of results you will get. She won’t stay a moment longer since there is nobody to be intimidated. She has stayed this long because you made your home too comfortable for her. You gave her too much room to operate. By ignoring her every wish and silently insisting on what you want in your home, she will know without saying anything that you are just as determined be in charge of your home and family. If she has any particular preference for a food, let the maid prepare it for her but feed your family with what you want. Wear your children clothes of your choice and use the car you want. Accord her every respect she deserves but let her know through your actions whose home it is. Also, pray to God for help. Often than not, we run circles around ourselves when it is a simple matter of turning over our challenges to God for the perfect solution. Every tyrant has a match in God. Despite attempts at making her leave your house, continue to be gentle, respectful and loving towards your husband. Good luck.