Marriage: A reason beyond us

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626 Dear Readers, As promised last week, as part of the commemoration of my 50th birthday on the 24th of this month, I will be going into clinic to discuss the marriage institution. Although we daily talk about it, I have discovered that the institution is still veiled in so many myths, misconceptions as well as confusion. Isn’t it funny that an institution meant to bestow happiness and emotional fulfillment on the human race ends up being the source of so much misery and pains? Right from the very beginning of the world, God encapsulated the continuity of the world in the tenets of procreation; which means, the survival of the world is fuelled by relationships. Whatever the age, any form of relationship is required to be healthy. No one can survive the harshness, struggles, and loneliness of the world without the presence of another person. Even man and the environment depend on each other to make the world a safe place to be. The essence of this can be better appreciated when nature revolts against man; the result is man dying in their thousands from natural disasters like the floods and hurricanes we are currently experiencing across the world. Therefore, the concept of marriage, takes its root from, who and what we are to the various environments we live in. Just as the various habitants of earth cannot survive the anger of nature, man and woman need each other to form a healthy existence. But like every game and partnership, there are ground rules to peaceful co-existence of all parties to an agreement. For instance, nature will treat man right if only man recognises his natural bounds. As can be seen, the floods and natural disasters being experienced across the globe is the failure of man to abide by the dictates of his relationship with Mother Nature, for instance building houses and structures in the natural waterways or through productions of nuclear weapons that daily upset the ecological order of things. The intermittent revolt of nature across the world against man and animals is to provoke man into taking a deeper look into his own relationship with those around him. Many of these natural disasters will be averted if man learns to understand and respect the environment he finds himself at all times. This insensitivity and failure of man to appreciate the rights of others, are what we take into our relationships and the reason many marriages are today in grave danger of extinction. So many promising relationships have gone down the drain simply because the other party is too busy feeling important or through sheer ignorance of how to handle certain issues. For any kind of relationship to survive, parties to it must first learn to invest selflessness and wisdom. Every party to a relationship should recognise the different roles of the other and learn to respect these positions. Had Eve recognised the role and position of Adam in their marriage, she would first have consulted him when the serpent came with its bag of tricks aimed at derailing the plans of God for man. Her refusal to acknowledge Adam as the powerbase of their relationship cost both of them and the entire human race our positions in paradise. Rather than walk to paradise, we have to work tirelessly to even get close to it. This is what happens when the wrong factors are played up in a marriage or relationship. Unfortunately, men and women are replicating the same mistake Eve made in the Garden of Eden in the matter of who is in charge as well as who they go into relationship with. Many a time wrong or worthless considerations are played up to the destruction of more fundamental issues. It is not uncommon for parents to pressure their sons and daughters into marriages based on business consideration or financial blessings. A lot of young men and women have ended up with psychological problems due to their failures to properly initialise their relationships long before they even meet the right person. Just like a kindergarten child, every marriage needs the right foundation to peg a relationship. It begins from the nascent moments of life. Our gene is wired by nature to continue the human race hence, whether we know it or not, want it or not, once a child is old enough to recognise its environment, it begins to gravitate towards a member of the opposite gender. The evidence of this is seen in the innocent play of babies. The male toddler’s face lights up in excitement when he sights a female toddler; while she giggles in soft tones reminiscent of the grown up woman’s smile when she meets an admirer. The cycle of life is an amazing intricate web that begins to reinvent itself almost immediately a new life is born. Unfortunately, we are oblivious of the necessity to be conscious of our destiny when making important decisions in life. The primitive gene in us, though has the answer to all the problems in our lives, man through a complete lack of understanding of what life is, looks everywhere but the right place – the heart – for solutions to emotional challenges. Like the mustard seed, a successful relationship/marriage begins with the right feeling and positive thought. For the feeling to yield encouraging roots, it has to be watered with honesty and the right kinds of emotional nutrients. The foundation of a successful relationship/marriage begins from the kinds of examples children are exposed to in their homes. If a child is exposed to love, tolerance and understanding in the marriage of his or her parents, the first and vital lesson is learnt by the child through the example he or she sees, that marriage is a process of sacrifice and respect. But, if a child on the other hand is given the example of a violent marriage, irresponsible father, a nagging as well as abusive mother, these examples go with the child into adulthood and marriage. A materialist and party-loving mother through her example, teaches her daughter to look at the material values of a man rather than the potentials of a man. It will be difficult for such a lady to ever appreciate a struggling and promising man in her life. The same way a highly spiritual woman points her daughter in the direction to go. Except the grace of God is upon a child, the son of a deceitful casanova and drug addict father is bound to take on some of his father’s negative influences. Our childhood exposures are like our skin, they can never be taken off. Often than not, most children pattern their marriages after the ones they grew in. Only in some very rare cases, do children insist on having their dreams. This is why more and more marriages are hitting the rocks. Many couples are ignorantly importing marital issues of their parents into their own marriages; this is in addition to the natural challenges of two complete strangers coming together to make a home. Therefore even before they begin to have their own problems, they already have the challenges from their parents’ marriages to contend with; a sure recipe for confusion, disappointment and frustration in a new marriage. Is it any wonder more and more young couples are throwing in the towel even before the foundation of the marriage has a chance to form? Life is like a river. It brings the past, present and future together. The water from the past always flows into the present and takes it to the future. We cannot escape who we are or the influences of our nascent years. For this reason, parents wishing for their children to have happy homes must be careful of the kinds of baton they are handing over to them. As the first teacher, the imperative thing is on parents to redefine their own marriage, if not for their sakes but in the interest of the children they have brought into the world. This will help in no small way to lessen the rising tide of broken homes. The desire of every parent is to see his or her child happy. This desire shouldn’t stop as a mere wish; it must be followed with a steel clad determination. Giving the child premium academic education is not all that we are required as earthly guardians to do; we are also under obligations to ensure they go into the only institution instituted by God Himself, with the right credentials.