My husband has low self-esteem

WithAgatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626 Dear Agatha, My husband and I married three years ago after five years of courtship. We are both in our 30s. My husband is a very sweet man though very anxious and with low self-esteem. His relationship with his mother is a volatile one – she nags him a lot and is quite critical of him. A priest friend of ours described her as oppressive and my husband, often curses and swears at her in their conversations and when being nice, talks to her in a baby voice. I get on well with her although I’m often in the middle of their arguments. His father is emotionally absent as he keeps his head buried in newspapers all the time. One of the problems in my marriage is that my husband refuses to spend time with my own parents and indeed some of my workmates. My workmates and family all want to spend time with him. Prior to marrying him, I was extremely close to my family. Now we are not. He gives different excuses to avoid spending time with them and I am constantly putting my family and friends off. I sense he is scared of them getting the wrong impression about him and I also think for some unknown reasons he might dislike them. He constantly competes with me and if I, quite innocently, bring up some subject about an achievement I attained during a conversation, he will put on a stupid mocking voice and say, “oh how wonderful you are!” Often I am mindful of what I say when conversing with him as he can be very touchy and sensitive. The few times he visited my parents, he took alcohol or drugs to calm his anxiety. Since I don’t like him resorting to the use of these drugs, I have had to give in to what he wants – that is, not spending time with my parents. As a result, my entire family and colleagues feel I have something against them as I have distanced myself from them all; giving my attention to my husband. I haven’t told them why I have distanced myself from them as I do not want to betray my husband in any way. I recognise that he may be mentally ill but, he does not think so as he has always been this way. He realises how it upsets me and my family but, he doesn’t seem to give that much thought. I pray a lot too. Any advice? Struggling Wife Dear Struggling Wife, If you courted for five years, you must have known or noticed this aspect of his person. This isn’t something he could have hidden from you for too long. You married him knowing you could cope with his emotional disabilities. To want to change him now is to further set him off on a path that will completely destroy him forever. It is either you learn to cope as you coped during your courtship years or simply pretend that aspect of him doesn’t exist at all. Two things would happen when you try too much to change him from the person who he currently is to what you want him to be; first you will simply be replacing his mother with yourself in his life and second, you will make him hate you like he obviously hates his mother. It isn’t easy growing up with a domineering mother; one who thinks and treats you like a baby. His mother didn’t only destroy him but turned his father into a hen-pecked husband which is why the father finds safety behind the pages of newspapers. Your husband has, throughout his life, watched and experienced intimidation; what he needs now isn’t another woman who will destroy him as his mother destroyed his father but one who will love and help him out of his predicament. For now, if he doesn’t want to visit your family, allow him be. All his life, he has faced criticism from his mother; no matter how much he tries to please her. Now he isn’t sure of who he is or sure of how to properly conduct himself without risking condemnation from his audience. In plain English, your husband lacks confidence in his choices as a man. His pains are deep and real. He cannot even recognise help and true friendship when he sees one. But, that he managed to fall in love and marry you shows that he isn’t completely lost. He may have married you too because something in your attitude reminds him of his mother. For your sake as well as his, be resolute not to allow that side of you overshadow the soft side of you so your husband too doesn’t take after his father by escaping behind the newspapers. But again, you must also be watchful he doesn’t try to repress you like his mother. The challenge in marrying this kind of man is to be wise and prayerful. Trust me, from experience, it isn’t a bed of roses being married to a man who has been psychologically damaged by his mother. The wife has to be alert that she doesn’t end up being like her mother-in-law or being the victim of her husband’s desire to act like a man for the first time in his life. For this reason, you must have the strength to strike a balance between being supportive and being independent. This is because he is currently mixed up. For the first time in his life, he is free from his mother and her constant naggings, he has a home of his own but deep inside, he is still very afraid of his mother. This fear is why you shouldn’t force him to do anything against his will; rather, find a way of making your family understand why you have kept your distance from them. Your immediate family has to understand why he appears uncomfortable with them; you need their help to make him develop the confidence in himself. He needs understanding to come out of the bondage of his environment. Let them come for a visit instead. Having confided in them, your parents’ show of love will go a long way in helping him see another side of parenting. Through the help of your parents, he will be taught how to love and be loved. The challenge here is to get him to know what love is. A man that swears and curses his mother is obviously lacking in love and respect for everything his mother represents. There is no way that man can ever respect his wife because mothers are the gateway to life. He has never known what true love is all about. You have to teach him what love gives and demands. His cynicism of your achievements is a direct flow from his mother. His mother has never shown appreciation for him or his achievements. He doesn’t have it in him so he cannot give what he doesn’t have. Begin by showering him with compliments and pleasure in all things. Rather than nag his attitude, compliment him; his looks and sense of dressing. Even when you are not too pleased, first compliment him before lovingly pointing out his mistake. Don’t forget he has never been treated with respect or love. He needs you and your family to show him a different kind of life from where he is coming from. It is the only time you can also get him to treat you with respect, be sensitive to your needs and trust you with his everything. He cannot be but selfish because that is the way he has seen his mother behave all his life. Pray for him always and continue to urge him to see a psychiatrist. Good luck.