She accuses me of sexually molesting our six-month-old daughter

Dear Agatha,

I met a lady who supposedly was from a Christian home. Her parents are both pastors in the Redeemed Christian Church of God. I met her through a friend in September 2003 and I travelled down to see her for the first time in December of that same year. 

Prior to our meeting, I requested my friend to take her to see my pastor and his wife who immediately had reservation about her. 

My pastor’s wife said she looked desperate, very manipulative and that she is not a wife material. 

She says she never ceases to have this feeling of impending danger anytime she thinks about her. 

The husband said it is not the will of God because it is not possible to marry someone you met over the Internet.

He also said the pastor of the church she attends, in a previous meeting, demonstrated an ungodly character. Even the friend who introduced us later said the girl is not the right choice and started listing some flaws he noticed in her. 

Hearing this, I sent an e-mail to her telling her all I have heard and decided to end the relationship. She replied that she is from a good home; that her parents are both pastors. 

She wondered why I would base my decision on one side of the story. I showed an elderly female friend of mine her mail; this friend said she was genuine. 

Thereafter, I went to pray about it because I was really confused, the response I got from the Lord is, “this lady has tremendous capacity to go all the way” but in retrospect, I did not discern correctly because the Lord looks at us not from where we are now, but at our potentials. 

Despite several warnings from my friend and pastors, I went ahead and reconciled with her. She later told me the reason my friend didn’t like her anymore was because she refused him kissing her. 

As we progressed in the relationship she started asking for money from me. When I met her she was jobless, so I started sending her money ($100) every month via Western Union Money Transfer. In August 2004, she got a job with a soft drink manufacturing company. 

Despite that, she told me to buy her a car.

I took a student loan of $1600 and send it to her to buy a car.  Every year, from 2003 to 2007, I travelled to see her in Nigeria. In 2004 we did the introduction. 

Something significant happened but I ignored the warning sign. My mother gave me $400 to give to her parents and when she learnt about the money, she wanted the money to herself.  

She reported me to her parents that I didn’t want to release the money. However, when they heard my side of the story, her father beat her blue/black.  At that point, I wanted to call off the introduction but the family begged me and I thought she would change or I would be able to change her. She was 28 years old when I met her. 

We did the court wedding in 2005. Being an American citizen, she was able to file for her to join me in America, March 2007. When she joined me in the United States, I went through hell with her, all the warning character flaws; she acted everything out to the maximum. She called the cops on me three times and lied that I beat her that I wanted to kill her. 

Before I left for the U.S., she was pregnant but called me to say her father advised against her getting pregnant since we hadn’t done the engagement according to the customs of the Yoruba. 

The evacuation wasn’t done properly hence we had to see a specialist when she came over to the U.S.

 She was able to eventually conceive and gave birth to a baby girl in April 2008.

We had several problems, the parents were constantly interfering, and she started to keep male friends in Nigeria. In July 2009, she begged me to allow her mother take my daughter to Nigeria for six months so she could save money to buy a car. I reluctantly agreed, only for her to accuse me of sexually molesting my own daughter at six months of age. 

I reported everything happening in my marriage to the pastor of the Redeemed Christian Church of God we were attending; he tried his best but the problems persisted in the marriage. The parents came forward to say the reason we were having problem is because we did not have “a Church wedding.” 

Due to the problems we were having, sex was completely dead between us. Along the line, I started masturbation and pornography to find ease. In November 2009, she went home to connect and did introduction with her former college sweetheart who she once dated in her 200-level at University of Lagos. 

They had sex before she came to the U.S. God actually showed me one morning while I was praying. In April 2010, she filed for divorce and it became official in August 2010. She and this man are now married.

Confused Man.

Dear Confused Man, 

That a man or woman is a pastor or related to one is not enough reason to marry that person. 

Unless God says the person is right, such assumption often than not leads to problems later in a union. No matter how much we try, our inner being still has the power to make us do things our way rather than the way God tells us to do it. 

Many a time, we quote only the sections of the Bible that pays us at that time, ignoring what God is saying about a particular situation or what another passage in the Bible is saying about that same situation.

Well, since she is remarried, there is nothing you can do about it but to move on with your life. Life is like a trading house; you gain here and lose there. 

This marriage was not meant to be from day one but you went into it because you wanted her at all cost in your life. Had you tarried for the voice and desires of God for you, all these would have been avoided. But God knows everything and deliberately allows us go through some difficult and unpleasant situations to learn deeper than others about the complexities of life. 

One major lesson here is not what a person appears to be or his or her family is but who the person really is. You based your acceptance of her on the fact her parents are both pastors. 

Also, you did not bother to ask God properly. Had you gone to him for a confirmation, He would have properly explained to you what He meant by what you thought you heard. 

At any rate, the mistake has been made; the thing is for you not to fall into another mistake. For now, the most important person you have to consider is your daughter. Ensure you are always in touch with the child; if need be, let your parents also get interested in the upkeep of the child. It is the only way you can water-down whatever negative stories your wife and in-laws may tell about you to your child. She is the gain from that relationship so don’t allow her grow without your presence or input. Since the mother is re-married, you could offer to take the child off them. Your mother can always help with the child until she is old enough to go over to the United States.

Another thing is for you to develop a very personal relationship with God. By not allowing whatever happened between the two of you get in the way of your relationship with God and another woman, you end up victorious at the end of the day. Before going into anything new, ask God to help you find your own weak areas. There is no way she alone would destroyed the union without some help from you. Be truthful and accept your own mistakes. 

The essence of this is to avoid making in them in your next relationship. The beauty of life is in our ability to accept our faults and make the vow to change for the better. 

You may not have gained much from this marriage by way of marital bliss but when it comes to the required experience to live with another woman, you have gained in terms of managing a woman’s temperament and all the other emotions that come to play when two people live together.

Perhaps the greatest lesson for you is the necessity of creating time to know who your partner is before taking the final step of matrimony. 

You knew next to nothing about this lady; as a matter of fact, you acted like one desperate to marry at all cost. 

Next time, devote time to knowing who your partner is as well as having your plans on what kind of marriage you want. 

This one failed because you did not prepare for it; did not bother to map out a plan for your marriage at all. This is the reason you picked just any woman to share your life. 

Had you a plan, you would have known from day one if both of you could live together forever. 

First, get over your disappointment, plan your life before looking for a woman who would help you realise your dream in life. This way, you would be able to recognise in any woman the qualities you have in mind in a woman after your heart.

Above all, learn to trust God implicitly.

Good luck.

That another girl is carrying his baby nags me…

Dear Agatha,

I am 22 years of age and mother of one. I have dated the father of my son for seven years now. Another lady also has a child for him. My son is the older child. The fact that he got another lady pregnant while I was nursing his child killed any emotional feelings I had for him. 

But I don’t know how to end the relationship, tell him how I now feel about him. To be candid, this experience has put me off men generally. Unfortunately, his family members love me so much, one of the reasons I feel so helpless in ending the relationship since I don’t want to hurt them. Please help me. 

Confused Lady.

Dear Confused Lady,

Don’t make the mistake of conducting your relationship on sentiments. To continue in a relationship where you are no longer happy, don’t have feelings for your partner is to cause yourself future pains, serious ones that might misunderstanding between you and his people who out of loyalty to their son may queue behind him. 

No matter how nice his people are, he is the person you are going to live with and once you have lost feelings and respect for him, it would be difficult for you to relate with him as your man. Considering the hurt and disappointment you nurse deep inside of you against him, the pains of his betrayal of you, the constant reminder of that betrayal in the person of the child, you may not be able to withstand his presence for a long time. For you to go on as before you have to release yourself from this through forgiveness. Until you are able to move beyond this point, tell him what you think of his betrayal and your attendant decision to go, at least for now.

At any rate, since you both have a child between you, you would still have the opportunity to interact with those family members who like you, as your child would always be a link between you and them. 

By refusing to tell him, you are only postponing doom’s day, not just for him but also for yourself in particular. As it stands you cannot move forwards as long as you haven’t severed emotional ties with him. 

Besides, you must also be careful you don’t allow the situation between you two deteriorate before taking the steps you want to take. This is important because of the child between the two of you.

The best way to tell him is to say the truth. Let him know how much his act of betrayal has affected you and how you may, at least for now, not want to continue with the relationship. 

This way, he knows where he stands as well as what to do to either win back your trust or allow you go for good.

But it is also important you think beyond what is happening now between the two of you. Granted he has stabbed you in a way you think is unpardonable, what circumstances led to this other woman in his life? What arrangements do both of you have? Was your baby planned or did it happen because you wanted to use it to trap him into marrying you? 

Who is the other woman? Has she always been around or is she new? How did her baby too happen and what were the reactions of your man and his family? Has he always been a Casanova? 

This relationship started when you were 15 years of age. At that age you really didn’t have the right understanding of what you were going into? Probably didn’t plan for it to be everlasting. In all these years, how much improvement and upgrading have you two being able to introduce into the relationship? Being young and inexperienced, you may not know what is expected of you hence may have done certain things to make him seek solace elsewhere. Though not an excuse but men are fluid and at the age he is probably given to your state age, may want to exercise the freedom of being young and available to women. Impregnating another woman could be a mistake of one moment of weakness on his part. Think ahead, would it matter so much to you later in future as it does now what he has done? What if you leave him and the next man you are going to marry does the same thing to you would you also walk out of that relationship?

Don’t forget that you are no longer a teenager. You are now a young woman whose needs, desires and dreams are more profound and near reality than the imaginary ones of a pubescent. For this reason, sit down and look at your own faults too. Like I have always said, just like it takes two to tangle, it takes two also to destroy. Granted one of the parties may have the larger fault, it’s a fact that without the slight assistance of the other, complete breakdown of confidence in a relationship cannot occur.

Your current anger may also be as a result of your early entry into motherhood. At 22, many of your peers are still single and enjoying the early stages of their youths not making babies and caring for one. The fact that you are burdened with caring for a baby while he is free to play in the field could be a hidden reason for your anger. If this is the case, you simply have to learn to live with the situation because you cannot change what has happened. Another man you go out with is culpable of making the same assumptions in the process of the two of you dating. 

Be sure your anger isn’t misdirected. Be practical in your decisions and reasons for making them. There is no relationship without challenges, sacrifices as well as painful choices. These are things we must all experience to get to the destination of our happiness in every relationship. We must learn to lose gracefully to gain joyfully.

Do an overview, it might help in some ways to change the way you feel about him and could make you to actually have a re-think of the action you are about to take. 

A lot of things we considered an issue turn out to be one of those things as we age. To avoid regrets down the road of life, take time out of it all to think; go away from him and everything familiar for a little while. This will help give you clearer picture into the choice you are about to make as well as how much you would miss not having him around you.

Since there is a baby involved, be sure you won’t be tempted in later years to go into his arms because that would be very dangerous for your peace of mind as well as any attempt to continue with your life. Ensure your feeling for him is completely dead if you decide to leave him.

Please pray about it and allow the will of God prevail.

Good luck. 

 

 

Should I forgive him after a forced abortion?

Dear Agatha, 

There is this guy I love very much. Initially we were like siblings but one thing led to another and we became involved. Along the way, I got pregnant for him. When I informed him about my state, he said I should leave the pregnancy. I agreed. 

However, when I told him I would need money to commence antenatal, he told me he doesn’t have. Worried about the kind of life the baby and I would have, I again suggested we terminate the pregnancy but he again refused. 

Since I kept insisting we terminate it, he asked me to look for a place to do it. But he called the following day to say he has found where I can terminate the pregnancy, gave me N5,000 as well as the address of the place. When I got there, the man I met insisted on collecting N10,000. When I called him to inform him of the exact amount involved, he told me he didn’t have that kind of money. For a while after that call, he didn’t bother to call me until recently when he began calling me again asking for forgiveness. I really don’t know what to do. Please help me.

Stella.

Dear Stella,

You didn’t say if you have had the abortion or still pregnant. Whatever the case may be, you have learnt a vital lesson here, that of protecting yourself from premature sex. 

Had you taken precautions against unplanned pregnancy, you won’t be in this emotional quandary.

If you haven’t done the abortion, please don’t. It might appear to be the easy way out of the shame of pregnancy outside wedlock, but more often than not, it leaves terrible consequences for the woman whose reproductive lifespan may have been aborted with the unborn child. Only extremely lucky women go through abortions and come out with little or no tell tale sign. Every abortion a woman does reduces the lifespan of her womb more than that of childbirth.

A lot of women have had their wombs over scraped by inexperienced gynecologists or outright quacks. Because a desperate woman doesn’t have the time to investigate who is real or not has the experience or comes with little experience, she unwittingly puts her life on the line for nothing.

It is not about the money he is demanding to evacuate your unborn baby, but that of your safety and reproductive health. When he insisted you keep it, you should have pushed it. Yes, he told you he has no money for antenatal, but that wasn’t enough reason you insisted on terminating it. 

Insisting on terminating it could have sent the wrong kind of signal to him, that you don’t care about it as well as the fact that you don’t want to have his baby, a fear you confirmed by taking the N5,000 he gave you to the abortionist. 

If you really weren’t serious about terminating the baby, you should have used that money to go to the hospital to register for your antenatal. Government hospitals won’t require as much money to get you registered. If you were both married, would you have insisted on terminating this pregnancy on account of his inability to give you money to pay for antenatal?

In a way, you contributed to the way he behaved. Insisting you wanted the baby aborted definitely touched something deep inside him, unwittingly, you reminded him of his shortcomings as a man; pointed him to his inadequacies as an expectant father as well as his incompetence to manage the woman in his life.

Though wrong to have abandoned you at the point you clearly needed him the most, your insistence pushed him into it. After all, when you first informed him, he didn’t deny you, didn’t ask you to abort it but told you to keep it. You were the one insisting on removing the baby from the beginning, not him. 

If he left you, it couldn’t have been from lack of love for you but out of frustration. That he has come back to beg shows a man who has been through a lot of inner emotional struggle to do what is right, who won the battle of doing the right thing over his male pride. 

Look deep in your heart, what do you feel for him? In his shoes, what would you have done, especially as you kept insisting on terminating the baby? He left you probably because he didn’t want to be around to see his efforts as a man wasted on the abortion table.

Relationship is not only about the good times, it is more of our ability to turn the very bad times to our favour. We all make mistakes, these are things that actually give form to our relationships. If you can find it in your heart to forgive him, take him back. I am sure this episode has done something for both of you, given both of your new perspective into your relationship as well, as clarify grey areas you have about your feelings for each other.

Allow God to take the credit for whatever happened by listening through prayers to what He is saying to you over this matter.

Good luck.

She lost her virginity in dubious way

Dear Agatha,

You are a rare gift to us. Keep the flag flying high! 

Kindly help me find solution to this problem I find myself in. I have been with a girl for the past three years and we planned walking down the aisle soon. I’m a 31-year-old hard working guy while she is 26.

I met her in her natural state and we agreed that she would remain that way until we get married. Three weeks ago, I got a rude shock. I travelled on a business trip. I came back to find out that while I was away she was seeing one of her former boyfriends whom she claimed forced himself on her and got her opened. 

I feel betrayed by this because I have not cheated on her since I met her and have been looking forward to our wedding night. Though I love her but I can’t stand this betrayal. It’s very traumatic. Though I still have feelings for her, but I think she cannot be trusted. Do I keep on searching or take her back? I’m really depressed. Please your advice. 

Betrayed Man.

Dear Betrayed Man, 

Sincerely, this is a decision you just have to make for yourself. It is something very personal; that will affect in its entirety how you relate to her now as well as in future. Once you are not in harmony with the decision you eventually take on this matter, you will never be able to fully enjoy marriage to her. Therefore it’s important the final decision comes from you. This is because trust is on mortgage here; there are several questions you need clear answers to. Furthermore you need the emotional stability to deal with questions that will continue to agitate your mind for a long time to come. 

Without you having the conviction that you have done the right thing, the shadows of her betrayal will continue to hunt you for life.

However, it is important at this point for you to take stock of your three years together. Has she ever been unfaithful to you? Given you any reason to suspect that she has been lying about her claims to be a virgin? What brought about this other man again into her life to the extent of him forcing himself on her? 

The last question in particular would be one you would in later years keep asking yourself? Why did she put herself in a position to be compromised? Whatever her explanations are, you need to ask yourself this vital question: do you believe the story she told you? What could have happened between when you went on a business trip, and your return to make her go the whole length with this man?

Frankly, this is not the time to play the hero; pretend that you are not hurting or disappointed with the whole development. I am sure your mind is still asking what could have happened to make her do this to you.

More than that, this is the time for you to dissect your relationship if you both hope to have a future together. The first question you should answer is, whose relationship is this, yours, hers or both of you? Chances are that you are the one who have been dragging the relationship all along, the one who wants it more than she does. If this is the case, it might be in your both interest if you allow her go; at least give her time to make up her mind about you and the relationship.

The fact that she has been with you for three years may not be sufficient reasons for her to want to spend the rest of her life with you. The speed at which, she and the other guy got together may be an indication of how she actually feels about you. Ask her at this point what she really feels about you and the thought of spending the rest of her life with you. Listen more to what she is not saying because those things she is refusing to say are where the real answers are.

If she is the one questing for the relationship, then what happened is inexplicable, something she would forever regret in life if you eventually leave her on account of what happened between this other guy and her. There are certain things that happen in life which are beyond human comprehension; if she is really sorry and you know deep down in your heart that her remorse is real, you may on account of the years you have been together as well as your knowledge of her forgive her. But let her know from this stage that it would take a long time for you to build up the confidence you once had in her. 

If both of you have gotten to that point of sitting down and discussing what would work at this point and what you in particular would find difficult to give, a lot of the confusion and hurt you currently feel will lessen and you would be able to take a firm stance on this matter.

In all these, pause to think of all the tomorrows when the hurt you currently feel would have disappeared and all you would be left with is regrets at not being patient enough to think deeply. To this end, evaluate her worth in your life beyond the issue of her virginity? Was it the only reason you wanted her in your life? The only reason you fell in love with her? Would you in the first place have gone out with her if she weren’t a virgin?

These are the second set of questions you should ask yourself as you consider what your next steps would be. They are very vital in your final decision because if the reason you have always wanted her a wife is the fact of her virginity, then you really didn’t have a relationship in the first place. Your relationship was based on illusion, a mirage that would have vanished sooner or later. Now that she is no longer a virgin, is she different from the woman she once was?

No doubt you are hurting emotionally over this act of betrayal, but what assurances that the next woman would be better? That you would find the right kind of happiness you have found with this woman? How are you sure she would not betray you too?

There are many issues that add up in a marriage and for a man willing to make the best of the choice he has made, must be ready to overlook certain things for the sake of happiness. There is the important issue of how much you both understand each other, her temperament, attitude and level of respect. What about the blend of each other’s dreams as well as power of interpretation involved in getting the other started? For both of you to have stayed together for three years without making love, the cord of your friendship must be very strong, look at all these before you make the final decision.

At this juncture, please it is essential you go to God in prayers because you are in a very delicate period in your life. If you apply might on this fly that perched on the very delicate part of your anatomy you risk more injury to your person. By asking God for divine wisdom, you will be able to take a decision you will forever be happy with.

Good luck.

Must man sample many girls before marriage?

Dear Agatha,

I really appreciate your Biblically imbued marital advice to people.   I am a 23-year-old graduate of accountancy. During my school days I never dated any lady; to be candid I tried as much as possible to avoid women and always prayed to God to see me through. My friends called me names, some said am frigid just because I refused to go out with any girl.

During my graduation, some ladies pursued me wanting to embrace me but I ran as far as my leg could. My friends said that my lifestyle is old fashioned. I believe that when the time for marriage comes, God will give me a wife endowed with all the qualities I desire in a woman. My friends said one needed to practise to be perfect. They called me all sorts of names. Even the ladies are mocking me because of my attitude towards them and I am fast bowing to peers’ pressure. My question is do I really need to date as many ladies as possible before marriage? The truth is that I try as much as possible to avoid women because I am extremely emotional and I believe that when the time for marriage comes, God will bless me with my dream wife. But my friends told me I am utopian. Please I need your advice.                 

Chuks.

Dear Chuks, 

No you are not idealistic; the truth is that because some people have gotten used to doing things in a particular way, they have come to think it is the norm. 

Don’t allow anybody pressure you into doing something you don’t want to do or which your conscience cannot condone. Date only when you are ready to and not because your friends have drawn up a timetable for yourself. What is important at the end of the day is the seriousness and determination you bring into the relationship you eventually want to go into. 

Use this time to plan for your future, dream of what kind of life you want for yourself and family when the time comes.

This plan of action would enable you visualise the kind of woman that would help you nurture your dream into maturity. This is the greatest legacy you can give yourself; ensure that when you are ready, you have a clear idea of what kind of woman you need in life. A lot of times, people jump into relationships without having plans at all for the relationship. This is why a lot of them run into troubled waters and unable to recover from the disappointments of their misadventure. 

If you ask a lot of these friends who have had series of girls in their lives what plans they have beyond the immediate need of satisfying their emotional needs, they would tell you none.

 Relationship is more important than a lot of us think. It is more than a boy meets a girl thing; it is even more important than education in the sense that it is something inevitable unless of course sworn to celibacy.

What you are doing is preparing for it; taking your time to ensure you don’t make the costly mistakes some of your friends had made or are making. 

By waiting, you are learning the importance of self-control, entrenching the principle of faithfulness in a relationship even before you commence any with a woman. The values you have been able to embed now are the ones that will stay with you and help you in more ways than you know to build your home. 

Relationship works on what we have inside and not what we have on the outside. Learn to be introspective at all times; it is the only way to show your friends that your waiting isn’t in vain. Look out for a woman who is beautiful on the inside, one who has the capacity and ability to interpret and carry your dreams to reality. Because you have waited for this long, it won’t be difficult for you to have the necessary patience to grow and consolidate your relationship before introducing sex which for most part of the time, blind couple to the defect in the union until it is too late. 

One of the clear disadvantages of multiple relationships is the confusion it engenders in the minds of those who engage in it. So often, perplexity of the right choice among the many women a particular man one has dated has led to the future problem of wrong choice and incompatible partner. 

Once you and the woman you end up marrying are able to establish friendship, are truthful to each other and are respectful of the other person’s position as well as give it all to God when issues arise in your relationship, you will have a very happy union. 

Above all, learn to play your game according to your own rules and not ones given you by anybody. There is nothing old fashioned about your decision rather you are applying age long wisdom in a world governed by fast solutions which in majority of cases leave wreckages in their trail.

Good luck.  

His girlfriends are everywhere I turn

Dear Agatha, 

I am in so much pains and emotional distress. 

My marriage is almost 16 years of age, blessed with three children, two boys and a girl. 

On the surface, I am a lucky woman because I married to a rich and handsome man. 

To so many people who don’t know, I have a home worth dying for and a husband who is every woman’s dream man!

Unfortunately, this is the crux of my problem in this marriage, all the things he promised not to do before we got married are the same things he is doing.

Everywhere I turn to, he has a girlfriend. He is reckless and careless; he doesn’t seem able to control his urges even though I have never attempted to deny him of my body. Even when I am not in the mood, I still oblige him if he wants me, all to stop him from straying but it seems there is no end to this emotional turmoil. 

The funny thing is that the ladies are so bold and daring. 

A lot of them don’t even bother to conceal the fact from me that they are dating my husband. 

In the beginning I tried to ignore them but now I am getting increasingly impatient with him and his women. 

There is this particular one who is so bold that she out-sits me whenever she comes around. 

She ensures I leave her behind in his office. 

It is so bad that my friends are urging me to fight back; that I have given my husband too much freedom to misbehave. 

I am not the violent type but this lady is pushing me to the edge of it. 

His and my family members are aware of his behaviour but they have all kept urging me to ignore him since he is a good father and caring husband. 

He ensures I lack nothing but how can I be happy with him when he takes joy in sleeping around with anything that is in skirt?

I am so confused and hurt; I don’t know if I can cope again. 

I want to end this marriage and need you to tell me how to go about it. 

My pastor says adultery is one of the two grounds a marriage can be dissolved in the Bible. 

I have had enough.

Bitter Wife.

Dear Bitter Wife, 

I understand more than you know the challenges of your situation. 

Honestly, quitting would be one of your worst mistakes. 

You will only be helping one of these women realise her dream of sending you out of a home you have toiled to keep for 16 years. 

That man, whether he is perfect or not, faithful or not, is your husband and would remain so until death do you part. 

This is the message you should always broadcast through your disposition to all these women who flock around him. 
The best way to cope with a man like him is to ignore the obvious. 

Count it as something of no significance to you whatsoever. 

This way, you will avoid unnecessary anxiety over his behaviour and put hypertension at bay. 

You cannot afford to be sick or depressed because what you are experiencing isn’t different from what a lot of women are going through in their homes. 

The truth is a lot of the marriages you think are succeeding are also battling one kind of problem or the other. 
You will be surprised to know that compared to what some women are going through, yours is a child’s play. 

At least your husband is going after women and not men like him. 

In every situation we find ourselves in life, God says we should always learn to give him all the glory because there is always a worst situation. 

Nobody can ever have it all. 

In every relationship and marriage there is always loss and gain. 

The strength of every marriage is the measure of willpower put into it. 

I can only subscribe to a divorce when the marriage is very violent and one of the lives is under threat. 

Only the living stays married but in your case, it isn’t. 

Although the Bible gives you permission to divorce once adultery has been established, but can you cope eventually with the loneliness and condemnation that come with the decision? 

A time would always come in your life when you want to try it again; by then a lot of people who cannot cope with a tiny measure of what you coped with, who don’t know you or have an idea of what transpired in your life, would become judges in your life, some using their positions to interpret and decide on your happiness with another person. 

Marriage is more of a wisdom thing as well as having a personal relationship with God.

To avoid making mistake in this marriage of yours, urgently establish a personal relationship with God. Don’t entrust your life into the hands of another person, created by God. 

You also have the same right as any pastor to go into His presence. 

Our God isn’t one to cause confusion and He has a personal way of dealing with each of us. 

What He condemns in one, He gives another the grace to overcome. This is why you must give your marriage only to Him. 

He can change your husband if He wants to. Rather than look at the problem, look at the lessons He wants you to take away from this. It is only when you talk to Him personally that you will get directive on how He wants you to proceed in all things.

For you to appreciate him and your marriage, go back to the drawing board. Perish from your mind any fantasies you brought into it. By now you must have known what is real and what isn’t practicable. One of those things that isn’t real about your marriage and a majority of marriages is the notion that you will always be the only woman in his life. Frankly, any woman who bases the happiness of her marriage on this is building herself up for pains and disappointments.

Even European women are getting wise on the ways of men and are subsequently learning to ignore some of the issues they took very serious before.

In addition to praying for Him, learn to limit yourself to the home; avoid going to his office; this way, you would be avoiding a lot of the emotional pains you suffer as well as the embarrassment of meeting his numerous fans. 

Whatever you have to discuss with him, if it can’t wait, call him on the phone. If you are not working, best you get busy with something. You could get a shop. If you have an existing one, think of opening another woman, something to get you very busy. 

You could also immerse yourself in a charity work either in the Church or in your immediate environment. 

There is always something begging for attention around our neighborhood or society. 

By the time you finish up, you will be too tired to think of his other women. 

Your only concern would be caring for him and the children. Gradually, you will forget all these women just as he would over time also get exhausted from expending himself needlessly with anything in skirt. 

Above all, do not ever be tempted to fight any of these women. 

Your strength, as a woman is in your bent praying knees.

Good luck.

Memories of her past misfires kept haunting me…

Dear Agatha,

I am a young man in my early 30s and presently studying in United Kingdom. I have one daughter from the lady I was supposed to marry but along the line things fell apart. 

Before I left Nigeria, she called to let me know she wasn’t interested in the relationship any longer. I begged her because of our daughter, even told her that she will join me in the United Kingdom within four months. But all these fell on her deaf ears as she kept running away from my family and friends.

Eventually, she told me not to call her number again, saying she already has someone she was going to marry. She gave me a number to call whenever I want to speak with my daughter.  

For a while I stayed away from women until my body started demanding for a perfect soul mate. Recently, I came across this girl through an online dating networking. She was actually recommended by a friend. We chatted and we seem to like each other. Following this, I decided to visit her in Nigeria.  When I got back to the United Kingdom, I started to notice strange things about her. Firstly, she has so many male friends, something I cannot tolerate and secondly she is quite pretty. As a woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, I am not too comfortable with this as I believe that pretty women are prone to having a lot of male friends. 

Along the line something happened to underscore my fears; searching through her box, she described her ex, as my baby. When I asked her about it, she said there was nothing to it. 

I am the kind of person who doesn’t forgive easily; this she knows since I told her before we agreed to a relationship. 

The second incident happened when I caught her giving some one else her number on the social networking site. This totally threw me off. I got to know this because I have her password she obviously forgot to change.  She has been crying and begging me to forgive her; that one of her friends requested of her to give this other guy her number to stop him from disturbing her. I was pissed off that she wanted to please her friend more than me. Though we finally got engaged three months ago but I find it difficult to get these memories out of my mind. I am thinking of telling her to go because I don’t want to make mistakes in my life. 

Madibo 

Dear Madibo, 

Have you ever thought on why the mother of your child left you? Why she refused all your pleas to reconsider her stance over your relationship?

Frankly from the tone of your mail, her reason is obvious. You lack the maturity and the forgiveness of heart to make a relationship work.

If you must run a successful relationship, you must learn to appreciate that no man or woman was made perfect by God, we all come with factory defect. Yours is your inability to forgive; a person who finds it difficult to forgive the mistakes of others shouldn’t expect pardon from anyone. 

Everything you complained of about this lady are things that are not of her making. Granted you met online but something about her picture on the Internet must have told you that she is a pretty woman. And when you met her for the first time, you recognised her to be a beautiful woman. If you knew deep down, you couldn’t cope with her facial attributes, why didn’t you terminate your interest in her at that point knowing you cannot cope with a fine-looking lady in your life? Is it right to hold her responsible for who she is? Is it her fault that God created her attractive? 

There is the need for you to really sit down and reflect on what you want from a relationship and the woman in your life. Get rid of whatever insecurity you have deep inside of you. There is no way you can be happy without you first dealing with this massive insecurity you feel deep inside of you. Time is now for you to go back in time to whatever caused this suspicion for pretty woman in your life. Whatever your experiences were, apply maturity because no two people or situation are alike. In life, it is not what one looks like on the outside that is important; it is what the person is on the inside that matters the most. 

You must learn to look beyond who this girl is on the outside to know who she is inside of her. Examine if she has the ability to cope with the peculiarities of your nature, temperament as well as your dreams. At the end of the day, these are what matter the most and not how striking her looks are.  For you not to make a mistake with her, devote more time to friendship. This way you get to know her better; find out what her dreams are as well as what she wants in a man she intends spending the rest of her life with. 

Through friendship, you encourage her to confide in you, tell you things she would ordinarily not discuss with anybody, know where her weaknesses are as a human being as well as the kind of support to give her to improve on her person. 

Like everything in life, you don’t build a relationship from the top it begins from the ground. If you are unable to give this relationship the kind of foundation it needs now to flourish well, you may find it almost impossible to get anything meaningful from this lady as well as the relationship. You just have to learn to trust her implicitly to help her grow love and respect for you. Whatever is it that is giving you insecurity as a man must be dealt with now or you will end up a nag in the marriage! Don’t be afraid to forgive yourself of whatever mistake you have made in the past. By admitting to your mistake, you prepare yourself for the beautiful act of forgiveness. Only the essential oil of forgiveness upon your soul can do the magic for you. There is no self-release from pains, emotional turmoil as well as disappointments without the help of forgiveness in one’s soul. You can only forgive others if you learn how to forgive yourself through the help of God. This way, you will be giving yourself and this woman absolute freedom to love, make mistakes and heal naturally.

Even a baby needs freedom to grow healthily. Don’t make her suffer needlessly for something she didn’t do. Having explained why she still calls her ex my baby as well as the reason she gave another man her contact, let go of it. Your level of seriousness with her will absolutely clear away all the doubts she may have about you. She may also have noticed your lack of trust in her and could be encouraged by her friends not to shut the doors, yet against other men just in case you abruptly end the relationship.  You must give her the confidence to belief in your love for her at all times.  There is also the need for you to get help through prayers from God, to help you deal with whatever psychological problem you have.  Frankly if you are honest, you will discover that once you come out of your shell, a lot of the things you see as faults in her now would be insignificant to you.

Good luck. 

 

 

Haggling over true colour of love…

Dear Agatha,

What is real love? What is the best way to describe love?
Worrying man.

Dear Worrying Man, 

Real love is akin to raw gold or diamond in its elementary form. It comes with rough edges and is always ordinary in appearance when first encountered.

Only the trained eyes can detect raw gold or diamond at its rawest form. The same thing applies to love, in its natural form comes rough and crude, and could be easily passed over by an untrained mind.

Unlike infatuation, ecstasy and fantasy, true love doesn’t put one under any pressure whatsoever rather it offers a gentle and natural mien that is ready to endure without complaints many of the challenges that go with loving and allowing another person live in one’s heart.

True love is made perfect like the goldsmith’s polished gold through the process of trust, sacrifice, selflessness, understanding, honesty, forgiveness, patience, friendship and wisdom. It isn’t malicious or calculative, just as it is blind to the physical attributes of the other person. Rather than diminish in strength, it grows stronger each day irrespective of the weather forecast. 

Like Jesus Christ willingly took on our sins without minding the shame, pains and humiliation that go with the decision, true love doesn’t bother about the shortcomings of the other person, rather it concentrates efforts at ensuring the other person is happy.

It flows from the inside to the outside and very resilient as well as weatherproof. It resists all the elements of nature. It can get hurt but cannot be destroyed by the things that make it real. 

True love, because it comes with friendship is very elastic and accommodating, so much so some people who are yet to experience its impact in their lives think it is charm induced. No matter how much it is trampled on, it has the power of full recovery. 

Unfortunately, a lot of people mistake all the other feelings in between love and hate to mean love. True love is the most difficult thing to execute because of the human nature. The many faults we have inherent in us do make it very hurtful, embarrassing and absolutely difficult but its patience and perseverance to go through the intense heat of the fire of life is its most precious strength and power.

When two people are truly in love, they can forgive each other anything. This is because it is embossed with the friendship seal. Once two people discover they can talk, without fear of being judged by the other person, can discuss those things they have never been able to say to another person, feels a lifting in the spirit whenever they are together or hears his or her voice, smile at shared memories, don’t see the mistakes the others see, don’t feel the pressure of sex anytime they are together, then such a relationship has the all the tapping of love.

True love is responsible and respectful, no matter the depth of hurt true love never gives up.

However, true love is only available to those who know what they want from life, those who have the patience to outlive problems and are matured to know that life is full of challenges not meant to discourage but to bring out the best in us all.

Good luck.