My Son Toys With Essence Of My Motherhood

Dear Agatha,

It has become a difficult task to raise my young boy now in JSS 2.

I am shocked to see how he changed from being a good boy to a very bad one that he is now. He refuses to write his notes in school, read his books at home or even do his assignments at all. He has suddenly become too stubborn that he has even begun stealing my money.

From what I heard, he has become a sort of Father Christmas to everybody in his school, including his seniors.

His new passion is to make friends with people older than him, mostly those who have no vision in life.

His performance in school has dropped too low despite the fact that he is an intelligent boy. And what beats me hollow is his apparent lack of care.

Being a single parent, he knows that life hasn’t been easy for me and that I am going through a lot of hardship raising his school fees each term. He is not showing any remorse and seems not ready to change.

The worse is the fact that no method of discipline seems to be working for me at all. I love him so much. I have exhausted every means I know including force, love, and persuasion.

I know that I would be held responsible for whatever he becomes in future. I am beginning to feel that I really do not know how to handle or raise children, otherwise, why is he not responding to my measures?

I really accept all these as my faults, which is why I want to be taught how to improve and become a good and responsible mother to him. I do a menial, and since I have to make ends meet, I ensure I put in extra hours while my younger sister is always at home. And I expect her to help out but it seems she isn’t doing much.

I will really appreciate some sort of guidelines that can help me raise this child in a Godly way.

Concerned Mother.

---

Dear Concerned Mother,

Let me start by assuring you that no parent really has the magic to rearing perfect children. It takes the special grace of God to produce acceptable children. If any parent tells you, he or she has the panacea to perfect children, that person is a liar, because any thing can go wrong in and with the process of child moulding.

I assure you that one of the most dreadful and difficult assignments on earth is parenting. Child nurturing can really be a torture and pain in the neck.

Not even acclaimed men and women of God can boost of having the right key to children training. Many parents have overtime found themselves falling flat on their faces when otherwise perfect children at home turn out to be real monsters in school.

Although it is most difficult with some children than others but generally speaking, it is like constantly sitting on a board of sharp edge nails. You never know what to expect when it comes to children. Even if your rules are guaranteed to work for your children, it is only for as long as it takes them to mix with other children whose behaviours you have no control over. Because no man is an island, and for this reason parents cannot influence effectively as friends they keep in school or other places they frequent, peer influences as well as other social values constantly being marketed by the society vis-à-vis the media always interfere from time to time with whatever training a child gets at home.

Then again the teenage years are the most difficult to manage because the child, due to all the hormonal changes going on, thinks freedom is at hand. The avalanche of confusion generated by the hormones makes the teenager particularly rebellious and so anti-reforms.

This is the threshold your child has found himself. He thinks the changes going on in his body have made him an adult with all the concomitant freedom to do as he pleases.

Your role as the mother is to give him support while educating him on how his new lifestyle can destroy him forever. This is the time he needs your support, attention, care and experience. Don’t let him see your anger at what he is doing to himself instead let him see the pains, anger and disappointment of what he is doing to himself.

He wants you to be angry so he can use it as an excuse to remain bad. Don’t give him the satisfaction. I appreciate the justification of your anger but it isn’t the wise thing to do right now else you would be driving him farther off from you.

Show him unconditional love; confront him with both the strength and vulnerability only mothers know how to combine to their advantages. There is no way your sister can do it for you. This is a job only a mother who loves a child can do.

Ask him why he has taken to stealing. Listen to what he has to say, it may be a sign of protest against what you are doing, or to get you to pay more attention to him.

Being a boy without a father could be very challenging for him. You must at all times be there for him.

To help you understand him better, try to remember your teenage years and how you dealt with issues. Your understanding and love are what would always make the difference as the years roll by.

You also need to be close to God so it would be easier for you to introduce him to the only Father that has the powers to make all the difference in his life.

Good luck.

Can God’s Perfect-will Make Us Perfect-match?

Dear Agatha,

A question came up during a discussion with some friends and we were unable to resolve it. In the context of our belief in a God who has a perfect-will for all His children, is it right and biblical to suppose that each individual has one unique life partner?

If yes, what happens for instance, when owing to wrong choices, the person uniquely made for us finds him or herself in somebody else's arms? Do we wait till death do them part and possibly ourselves die in the process or do we displace someone else by taking their unique match? If no, what happens to God's perfect will?

Chidi.

---

Dear Chidi,

The story of creation lends credence to God’s specifics for us. He made Eve from Adam’s rib. Therefore from every man, He has extracted a rib to make his mate. There is no way another man’s rib would fit into another man perfectly. To have a perfect relationship physically, there must be a spiritual harmony, which is what the rib represents.

Doubtless, we all come with our unique partners that is why some marriages despite obvious lapses in the character and attitude of either of the partners still manage to have a flawless relationship whereas, two seemingly good mannered people have problems making their marriage work.

The problem come from the beginning; the conflict in our beings when our choices conflict with the plans of God for us. Many a time, we insist on our own desires against the real plans God has designed for us. Most times, God allows us the freedom to our ways because right from the beginning He gave us to each and everyone of us the choice of a freewill.

This is why when some of us are going against His Will; He looks the other way, refusing to help us do things His way because He isn’t a dictator.

Marriage falls under one of the many mysteries of life. Although it has a master plan from God but like all the choices we make in life, such plans get derailed along the line either through the choices we make or through our own carelessness as well as thorough understanding of what we are getting into.

Of all the institutions in the world, the marriage is the only one that must stand on the tripod to succeed very well. The physical must at all times find a correspondence with the spirit and the soul to achieve perfection. But unfortunately, most marriages only have the physical formation to go by.

These are marriages based on physical or material consideration. More often than not, the mistakes come from the women who think that unless a man is handsome and rich, he can never make a good husband or provide for his family. This line of thinking is being helped by massive global trends to materialism. Advertisers these days, and unfortunately, religious leaders sell the message of prosperity being the hallmark of God’s personal seal of approval of a person’s effort. They present success in alluring colours and attractive packages while ignoring the resources and investment within.

Because of this trend, nobody likes to be part of anybody’s beginning or support any dream in conception. People only like to be part of a ready-made dream not the beginning of it.

Therefore anybody who appears less successful, no matter how beautiful and dependable that person is, gets relegated to the background or completely ignored by a society that seems to have lost its value or the place of God in things.

This same attitude has found its way into choices of life partners. Many intending couples no longer care about potentials but existing evidences of a person’s profitability as a life partner.

When through our own warped choices or inactions find ourselves or supposed right choices in the arms of other, the way out is to fall into God’s alternative plans for us. For every plan He always has an alternative. When man fell from grace in the Garden of Eden, he instantly put an alternative plan for man’s salvation because nature abhors vacuum.

Once the original plan suffers a setback, it becomes inevitable for one to find another person to fill the void to prevent the greater calamity of loneliness, frustration and moral bankruptcy.

The alternative may not necessarily offer premium satisfaction but produces friendship, understanding, respect, tolerance and sense of responsibility. It may not have the above extra value embedded in perfect choices but would have near perfect result with more determination as well as dedication. The passion may not be exactly right but the friendship as well as respect that comes with second best choices also make marriage satisfactory because there is a meeting of the physical and the spirit.

However, problems become glaring with alternative choices when the choices are based solely on physical considerations. Something has to be felt deep from within to make whatever choice we end up living with amiable to us and ultimately allow God a place in our lives. Being His children He is forever on the look out for our well-being and doesn’t stop at ensuring that His mercy covers us always, only if we learn to put all our trusts in Him.

Good luck.

Any Better Lover Between Old Man, Young "Okada" Rider?

Dear Agatha,

Recently I made a special request to God through prayers to give me a loving, caring, dedicated and devoted Christian for a husband. Immediately after the prayers, two men came to me asking for my hand in marriage but told them I have to pray over it. However, my confusion comes from the fact that one of these men who fits into my ideal man is old enough to be my father while the second man, young boy, but an Okada rider. Besides, I don’t know how deep is his relationship with God.

Please I need your help.

Confused Lady.

---

Dear Confused Lady,

The answer lies deep in your heart. If you have really prayed to it and God has given you an answer, don’t argue His answers because to do that, would amount to mortgaging your happiness.

The issue here is the form in which your request is coming. The man who fits into your bill of an ideal man is old enough to be your father. This is the bother. The truth is you are not comfortable with God’s apparent choice for you.

To get out of the maze of confusion this has put you, it is pertinent you ask and answer these questions. How do you feel about this man who appears to have met all your requirements? Would you ever be able to parade him as your husband in the presence of your friends, accord him all the respect he deserves as your husband? Will you ever be able to love him and everything he represents?

It is very important you sort these issues out before giving your commitment to him. Remember when you put your petitions before God; you didn’t give Him any age specifications. So, you cannot blame Him but yourself for the situation you have found yourself.

Because life doesn’t always come in clear colours from the beginning, for your sake, give yourself time to know this man. For instance, is he married? Has he ever been married? How many children does he have? Why is he still searching for a wife at his age? What do you two have in common and if he has been married, what happened in his first marriage? Did the former wife die or are they separated? If divorced, why? Why does he think he would find better quality of happiness with you? What about his children? How would they feature in your new lives together if you agree to go with him?

Naturally, given his age, these are issues that both of you have to deal with and which is making his choice for you so unattractive. Getting married to a man his age is really no tea party because unlike a younger man, an old man’s past must be taken into consideration when marrying again. An old man’s past can never be divorced from whatever new life he hopes to start again.

However, if you are serious about going along with God in His choice for you, you must never allow the burden that comes with this choice intimidates you at all. If the choice comes from God, these challenges would disappear one after the other since He would never give us a burden too heavy for us to carry.

There is always no harm in going back to Him in prayers for more directives especially as you are unable to read with clarity the current answers. Because you are involved, enlist the help of your pastor or the prayer warriors to help you get very clear picture.

Until you get clear direction, don’t make up your mind because God’s ways are never our ways. He sees the end from the beginning and knows what is best for us.

Good luck.

Abortion Throws My Motherhood Dream To The Wind

Dear Agatha,

I am an ardent reader of your column. I have this problem that has been bothering me a lot.

I am 23; I had an abortion five years back. Ever since then, I have been seeing this whitish substance coming out of my vagina. The whitish substance has a somewhat offensive odour. Even when I am approaching my period when, as a lady, should experience mucus like discharges, it still remains whitish. I will be getting married soon but whenever I have sex with my husband, his sperm comes out right after intercourse. Does this mean I would not be able to conceive of my own child?

Worried Girl.

---

Dear Worried Girl,

Why did you leave the condition for so long? What were you waiting for? Don’t you know the implication of allowing the situation to persist? Where was the abortion procured? Was it done in the hospital or did you induce it with dangerous chemical mixtures? And how old was the pregnancy? What treatment did you receive after the abortion? Between then and now have you ever tried seeing a doctor to properly diagnose your condition?

Whatever chances you had for a minor cure may have been compromised by your refusal to immediately seek medical attention five years ago especially if the problem has to do with your womb.

Abortion not properly done can cause this medical condition and the whitish discharge and odour were warning signs by your body to alert you to danger brewing inside your body. The danger of further delay is the possibility of an irreversible condition, one that could see you remaining infertile throughout your life. Of what use would healthy sperm be to you if you don’t have the womb to receive and transform the sperm into baby?

What you should do immediately is to see a doctor, a gynaecologist to carry out a thorough examination on you. You can only worry about the second problem if you are fit and well.

The second issue is dependent on your state of health. If your body is emitting an offensive odour, very soon, your man would start to complain or behaving in a way to suggest he isn’t comfortable with the state of your person. You must therefore act fast by going to any government owned hospital nearest you to book an appointment to investigate and rectify what is wrong with you.

When it comes to the issue of your health especially as it has to do with reproductive health, it is always best to be accused of panic than carefulness. One cannot be too careful when it comes to one’s health.

As for the second issue, tell the doctor about it. The doctor is in the best position to tell you both what is wrong as well as recommend.

Good luck.

Help Before Weak Erection Makes Me Mad

Dear Agatha,

I am an avid reader of your daily column, and I appreciate the solace you provide as well as your candid assurances to people. I became compelled to write you after reading one of your write-ups on the issue of premature and weak erection.

I am 36 years of age and I am having a very serious case of weak erection. This problem has been on for as long as I can remember. I noticed it first when I wanted to have sex with a woman, then I was 22.

Then I naively based it on being my first experience so I didn't take it very serious, unfortunately it has continued to be a problem in my life. I have never ever had a complete sex session with a woman in my entire life, no record of ever satisfying a woman. Some times I feel the urge to but can't proceed further due to weak erection crisis. You can imagine how terrible!

When alone and stimulate myself, I do have fair erection but with a woman, find it too difficult to penetrate. I have been to over three different hospitals, here in Nigeria, and I have also gone for tests in the United Kingdom. All the doctors gave me clean bill of health. They said nothing is wrong with me yet the problem persists. I have also taken some herbal drugs but nothing changed.

I also recently noticed that I have become very nervous, no matter how hard I try not to, when trying to make love with a woman.

I smoke but this has nothing to do with this problem, which started even before I took to smoking. I don't drink alcohol and I don't engage in any form of hard work or anything strenuous.

I don't understand why I get nervous when trying to make love to a woman or over the issue of women. I don't understand it at all.

Agatha, this problem isn't funny to me anymore, I mean I'm not being kiddy. Besides, it is bringing a lot of shame (personal and public) to me. There are so many girls who like me and want me in their bed but can't do their requests because I 'can't do.' It is fast making me insane. Please, is there any form of advice or solutions you can offer me regarding this problem? Or is there any form of treatment for this? Is it curable? Are there roots or other herbal solutions for this problem? Is nervousness a disease and is it also curable? I need your urgent and candid advice before it finally drives me crazy. I count so much on your solace, don't know what else to do.

Edward.

---

Dear Edward,

Before you started making love with a woman, did you at anytime indulged in masturbation excessively? If you get stimulated enough to have strong erection during self-examination and find it difficult to get going with a woman, it means you have schooled your body to perform at a particular level. It therefore takes extra effort on your part to redirect your body control to work at the pace of a woman's needs.

There are several reasons for men weak erection. Since you claim to have been able to enjoy optimum sex with a lady, it means at one time or the other in your life, you engaged in excessive masturbation, which has left your body tired and totally lacking in nutrients and hormones needed to perform at peak.

It could also be a sign of an insufficient blood flow, which might come from a variety of factors, notably smoking and a high fat diet. This particularly contributes to reduction of blood flow. Most of the times, this degraded level of blood is not only harmful for a person's sex life, but also detrimental to his or her life in general. A change of diet and maintaining a healthy lifestyle can greatly increase your body's blood flow to your member.

According to doctors, weak erections caused by atherosclerosis results in the hardening of the arteries due to fatty deposits, this in turn thickens the arteries and makes blood flow highly difficult due to the constricted passages and lower elasticity. Far worse than just a weak erection, this condition may also lead to a stroke (partial paralysis). Atherosclerosis is seldom seen in young males, but can occur at any age in individuals with diabetes or other chronic medical conditions, as well as a poor diet.

Another reason that could cause inadequate blood flow is a leaking venous. This is when a man destroys the veins within his male organ. But I am told this is rare, where such destruction exists it can be so severe to make a man leak from his penile vein.

One thing a man suffering from weak erection must never do is to loath himself or try to aid his soft manhood into rigidity. Either of these has the potentials of complicating the situation. Some men try to contract his pubococcygeus (PC) muscles like women do to help tighten the walls of their virgina. The PC muscles are the same muscles you use to stop urine flow. Unlike women, when a man uses the PC muscles, he adds pressure and stress to the prostate gland. This increased strain on the prostate will mimic orgasmic contractions and will force pre-ejaculation shaft to lubricate the urethra for the intended orgasm.

Because you are worried over climaxing too early and the fear of being mocked by the woman, in your case, it could be a function of performance anxiety. It could be very frustrating for any man to want to make love to a woman and find himself unable to perform such a seemingly simple natural task without complications or hadship. This, of course, does not include the embarrassment of having to pacify his partner whose hopes and expectations are all wired up for emotional fulfillment. The damage to the man self-esteem cannot be quantified at especially if unfortunate to be dealing with a woman who is discreet about such matters.

To help you manage this situation, best you confide in your partner from the onset the problem you are having. Since yours isn't the absence of erection but that of being unable to sustain it for long, an apt and understanding woman can provide help by providing stimulations that can help you stay sufficiently rigid.

All you need is the help of an understanding woman provided you are able to go beyond your pride as a man. There are no medals for telling lies or hiding what would soon become public knowledge. By being honest and humble you save yourself a lot of stress as well as transfer the burden of satisfaction primarily to your partner. It would also help to stopping you from being anxious around women else you end up complicating what could have been such a simple problem. Any woman who makes fun of your condition is worth your attention in the first place.

I am also told that herbal remedies can help but please see your doctor first.

Good luck.

Mum Angry Because My Child’s Paternity Cloudy

Dear Agatha,

I am 21 years old. Sometime ago, I had a baby by my boyfriend who unfortunately, denied paternity of the child.

Since then it has been one problem or the other. Now my daughter is old enough to be left with someone but since my mother is still angry with me, I haven’t been able to go back to school.

Since the unfortunate incident of my pregnancy and birth of my daughter, I have been pleading with my mother but she has refused to accept my pleas. I am so confused. Please tell me what to do to make her forgive and accept me back.

Vanessa.

---

Dear Vanessa,

You must understand that your decision to get pregnant outside wedlock, not only disappointed your mother, but also hurt her pride as well as character as a mother.

The wish of every mother especially is to give away her daughter intact. Even if she isn’t a virgin, a daughter isn’t expected to get pregnant until the man in her life does the normal thing of paying her bride price. Getting pregnant in your mother’s house and while you are yet to complete your education presents to everybody as a girl of very low moral, whose mother did a very poor job of educating in the ways of proper morals. The fact that the man responsible for the baby even denied the paternity makes the shame of your mother more. With what you have done, your mother may not be able to stand with her head held high among other mothers for ever.

You not only deprived yourself of respect but your mother as well. She, it would be said by all and sundry, have done a very shoddy job of training her child irrespective of whatever efforts she may have put into bringing you up in the right way. Your actions called to question her qualifications as a mother.

By also getting pregnant before your time and to a man who denied you, you also caused so much disappointment in you. Like every mother, she had her dreams for you, looked forward to the day you would graduate, begin work and get married. Nowhere in her dreams for you did she think for one second, that you would reverse the order of things, have babies before going back to school.

Getting pregnant prematurely crashed her dreams in you. She might have been able to cope with it at the end of the day, but the denial of the pregnancy by the man who put you in the family way makes it too much for her to handle. What hurts her the most is her inability to vouch for your moral credibility. This maybe as a result of repeated warnings to you before this incident.

Her refusal to accept your apologies shows that you must have disappointed her one too many which may make her think it would be completely useless to give you another chance.

She is probably of the opinion that if your education were that important to you, you would have exercised caution and not jettisoned it to get pregnant. She thinks there is no point wasting money on your education when you have the welfare of a child to consider now.

Sincerely, it would take a while for you to get her to trust you again. And to be fair to her, going back to school should be the first thing now but the welfare and care of the baby.

The baby is your responsibility, not hers. If she accepts to send you to school again, whose duty would it be to fend for the baby? Do you also expect her to provide and care for the baby at the same time she is sponsoring you through school? She sent you to school in the first place to study and improve your life, not to become a premature mother.

So what happens to the child while you go to school? You have a responsibility to provide for the upkeep of this child. So the first thing and the only thing that would make your mother realise that you are truly sorry is to find a job. This is what responsibility is all about. There is no way you can have your cake and eat it. You graduated yourself from her care when you thought yourself old enough to have the experience of activities reserved for responsible mothers. Having a baby has put you on the same pedestal in life as your mother.

Forgiveness doesn’t come in vacuum; you must work for it. Her change of mind would come from the actions you now take. The time has long gone for her to trust your words alone, she now needs proof that you have changed. Getting a job and signifying your intentions to live up to your responsibility to your child would more than any word can say tell her that you are indeed sorry and willing to conform to laid down rules.

It would tell her that you are now willing to own up to your mistakes in life and that you are not planning on abdicating your responsibilities for her to clean after you.
Just as it would tell you that you have learnt so much from your experiences and willing to contribute your share to the growth of the family.

In addition, she must see from your general attitude towards life that your mistake has indeed left you a more focused person by also indicating your interest to pay your way from whatever money you make through school. By making it clear to her that you would not burden her by your mistake or pass on the duties of caring and providing for your child to her, I know it isn’t going to be easy but once you apply your mind to it, you will find it a lot easier to deal with.

You must understand the hidden fear of your mother. Accepting to send you back to school or tending for the baby isn’t so much of a problem but that of your attitude afterwards. Accepting you back without putting certain things in place or spelling out your limits would appear to be letting you off the hook lightly.

While she lacks the powers to turn back the hands of the clock, she has the responsibility and duty to ensure you don’t again find yourself in this type of situation. This is why she is being difficult and refusing to take you back. It is meant to make you think and be sober. And if your attitude is anything to go by, you still haven’t got a very clear picture of all the issues involved in the step you have taken.

Having a child has made you an adult irrespective of whether you are ready for it or not. You have to learn to act like someone’s mother not your mother’s daughter anymore. Your child needs you, your love, attention and time. No matter how loving and supportive your mother is, she cannot replace you in the life of your child. Like you expect your mother to be there for you, your child expects you to be there for her.

Good luck

I’m A 32-year-old Virgin

Dear Agatha,

I am a 32-year-old man. I am still a virgin and would be getting married in two months time to a woman who is also a virgin.

The issue now is I’m apprehensive over what and how to go about the whole process of deflowering my wife. I’m actually dreading that night because I don’t have any idea of what to do.

I know this may sound strange but I need your help. I want you to provide me with guidelines on what to do on that day. It may sound laughable but it’s urgent and very serious to me.

A.K.

---

Dear A.K,

I would begin by commending you and your partner as well as acknowledge my own difficulties at this task I have been given by you.

I plead for forgiveness if in the process of solving this problem, I use words that may sound offensive to some.

Lovemaking is an act that comes naturally. It comes from our primitive knowledge and is embedded in our subconscious. Just like the infant knows instinctively how to get milk from its mother’s breasts. No mother teaches the child what is natural to it.

So it is with lovemaking. It is natural. Once you are ready, something deep in you will awaken the primeval thirst and need in you and your partner. The act and knowledge of lovemaking is one that is as old as time and basic to every animal.

It is a knowledge God gave to each and every one of us. So, on that score you really don’t have anything to worry about. The beat and rhythm all lovers dance to in that moment of passion also is timeless and natural. You cannot miss the sound of music it evokes in the soul.

However, you need imagination and help to remove it from something a couple has to do out of an obligation to something, which must be done because it is enjoyable.

Trust me, these things do not come from the first experience. Like an old wine it takes maturity and selfless investment to get the act to premium blend. The reason being that you are both coming into the game fresh and naïve.

What you should do as the leader of the team on your first outing and to make it easy for both of you is to concentrate on knowing where your erotic zones are. To do this, you have to begin from the scalp to the sole of your feet. Don’t be shy. Your explorations would make her initiation into womanhood less painful and most memorable.

Use both your lips and fingers lightly all over her body and let her replicate the same on your body. Apart from helping you both know how to proceed consequently, it would help also her a great deal relax sufficiently to receive you without too much pains and discomfort.

It would also help you get over the anxiety of your first experience, which can be very tedious if both parties are tensed up. Foreplay, more often than not, helps the woman more to achieve satisfaction.

However, a lot would depend on your attitude and beliefs. Our sexual performances and adaptations come from what we parade outside the bedroom. If you are one of those who think that sex is purely for the purpose of procreation, it may take a while for you and your partner to come around to appreciating the recreational side of it. So, a great deal of how you perform on your first outing would come from what has been entrenched into you by your family and the church.

If sex is seen by you as forbidden, something to be hidden under the blanket, you may not be able to fully realise the full potentials that come from it. Therefore, you have to first revisit your personal view on sex. What are those views? Are they fashioned along the extreme line of sex being dirty and a topic decent people don’t discuss or a more liberal view of it being a natural thing between man and woman?

This is the major issue you have to deal with first because there is no way you can be receptive of changes or any meaningful suggestion if you come from the old extreme school that brands sex as black thing, one even married couples should do in complete darkness where there would be no ray of light for the couples to appreciate each other’s bodies. Coming from that sort of background would make it almost impossible for you to loosen up on your first time.

Therefore, you need to change your orientation first before D-day. To do this, you have to learn to debrief yourself of the things you have being made to think about sex. You and your partner have to sit and discuss what your attitudes to sex would be outside your folks and brethren. To help you both, you have to understand in clear and unsentimental terms what sex is and its importance in marriage.

You have to understand that once sex is tasted, it cannot be locked away, especially if you both live and sleep under the same roof. A man and woman can ignore sex if they have never tasted it before or not exposed to the chemistry of each other’s bodies. Therefore, as a married couple you cannot treat sex the same way you treated it as a dating couple. To do that would be to destroy your marriage even before it begins.

In examining the place of sex, you must X-ray your collective dreams and goals for the marriage. A couple’s sexual attitude is embedded in their dreams for coming together. If your reason for marrying is simply to have a legal platform to have children, then sexual enjoyment may not be prime on your list, which means you can afford to go into the voyage with or without a self-help manual. But if your intention of marrying this woman is to make her happy, to befriend her, to have a companion who gives you all the satisfaction in the world emotionally, physically and spiritually, efforts must be made by you to get a self-help manual.

While both of you are coming as virgins, the onus is on you to help her with the most minimal discomfort. For most women the first experience forms their attitude to the act of lovemaking afterwards. You must take her away from sex to the world where love is created and made.

To help you further, there are books on the subject. Although these books come with graphic illustrations on possible positions for couples, they are not pornographic materials. They are honest and healthy materials couples on the constant look out for excitement within their homes can buy.

At every point in your marriage learn to be honest about your wants and needs to enable both of you make the necessary adjustments that come with such changes. You both must never shy away from experimenting or introducing new techniques as well as suggestions. It is all part of the game of growing your sexual patent.

Good luck.

I’m Afraid Being Christian…She’s Muslim

Dear Agatha,

There is this lady whom I love so much. I respect her so much because she made the first move. Her father and my uncle are very good friends. But the issue here is she is a Muslim while my family is Christian. My father is even an usher in the church.

What may I do?

Emma.

---

Dear Emma,

When true love happens it is blind to religious sentiments. Your father is the usher not you; her father is a Muslim yes, but what does she want? In approaching you, she knew you were a Christian, given the relationship between your families and your father’s position in the church.

Still she came to offer her love for you. The issue is not her or your parents for that matter but you! She has made clear her choice, a clear signal that she is ready to sink and swim with you. Are you ready to stand up for her, make the same sacrifices and declaration for her? Or do you prefer to hide under your parents to hurt her?

The answer to your question is etched deep in your heart. What do you feel for this lady? Can you stand up for her any day? Is your love strong enough to stand the text of time, to protect her against whatever oppositions you may encounter with your family or hers for that matter?

This is the time for you to look deep in your heart to find answers to some nagging questions that have been agitating your mind all these while. If you were to go after her on your own, would you have considered dating a girl like her? Does she really fall within the category of women you like? Do you find her an interesting person that you see yourself spending the rest of your life with? Do you think she has what it takes to keep you permanently happy and contented within the bounds of marriage? Can you call her your friend and confidant? Where does she fit into your overall plans in life? Do you think she is capable of giving you the support to achieve an uncommon vision, has the temperament, understanding, respect and support to make you absolutely happy as a man?

Since knowing her, what special qualities have you noticed in her; something, which you know instinctively you will never find in another woman? It is only when you are very clear about what you want that you would know how to defend your love for this girl against the sentiments of your families.

Once you have the confidence in her as well as your feelings for her, it won’t be difficult for you or her to tell your parents why they must give both of you the chance to be together.

Good luck.

Want Her, But History Says We’re One Blood

Dear Agatha,

Thanks a million times for all your efforts. I am 32 years in a relationship with a lady who is 26. I really want to marry her, but back in the village, our intention to spend the rest of our lives together is generating so much controversy, we are of one blood.

According to our relationships, her grandmother and my mother are from the same clan.

I prayed before asking her out, and I am further convinced by events that happened after that she is my wife.

Please advice me on what to do?

Worried Man.

---

Dear Worried Man,

Given that we are all subject to one form of law or the other, you must respect the laws of the land you come from. If the law in your village forbids persons from the same clan to intermarry, you and your woman would be committing an abomination. It will be a grievous offence against the land if you go ahead with the marriage.

Having made up your minds to get married, this, no doubt, is a serious blow to your emotional balances, but cannot feign ignorance since your people have pointed you to the right directions.

We are all governed by certain moral laws, which though may not go down well with us when we find ourselves on the other side, the fact remains that if we desire peace, harmony and acceptance in our lives and with our choices, we must subject ourselves to these laws. Your people and tradition classify her as your kindred. Since you don’t come from the area of the country where cousins can get married not to talk of distant relatives, you cannot afford, in your interest, to ignore the warnings of your family members.

To ignore them is to do so at your own peril because even our God is one that demands obedience to established laws. Because He isn’t a law of disorders, you and your partner may find yourselves all alone fighting avoidable battle.

The spiritual problems that come from such arrangement and open defiance of such moral laws; often go beyond what the average person can confront. No reasonable church or pastor would encourage you both to ignore this sensitive aspect of your law due to the implications attached to it. Certain things are simply inexplicable when it comes to certain aspects of a people’s tradition. It is always best not to court such troubles especially when the consequences of doing so are clearly spelt out. This isn’t some fetish practice, which by the laws of God can be effectively and successfully challenged, this is the essence of a people, a law that spells out who can marry whom.

Laws and customs govern every community on earth. These laws and customs are what give the people their identity, pride, values, heritage, cosmic view and image. Every community in the world is driven by the ideals of these values. Without these laws, a people are without any identity whatsoever, no foundation and dreams. So, these laws must be kept intact for the sake of posterity. All advanced cultures in the world today, still despite civilisation, hold on to some values, which cannot be mortgaged for anything in the world.

So, it would be difficult for your people to throw away their long held identity for you. It would be too much to ask of them.

Sometimes, love can be very painful as well as difficult, when a couple is expected in the overall interest of their families as well as themselves, make the choice of a sacrifice. This is the time you must both draw on your reserve and make the necessary sacrifices for the sakes of your children and all your descendants who would no doubt be affected by any rash decisions you both take today.

At any rate the opposition against you, should you go ahead to marry, would never allow you type of happiness you crave for in the relationship! If she were your sister from another woman would you still go ahead to marry her? Definitely, you would eventually make the choice of leaving her.

It is in your interests that you both make the choice now before it goes out of hand. Whatever you two did when you didn’t know would not count but whatever you do know would and attract penalties, consequences that would put you in direct conflict with God. To this point, you haven’t done anything that would require both of you performing sacrifices but if you go beyond this point, the penalty may demand for some fetish sacrifices, which would compromise your position in the presence of God. This is a very tricky situation, which entails thorough application of wisdom if you have to go through this maze with little or no spiritual injury.

As for you knowing after prayers that she is your woman, when the heart desires something, it would always justify and read any message from God as being a confirmation of what it seeks. Because you want her in your life, chances are that you may have convinced yourself that God wants the same thing for you as you want.

As humans, we all make the mistake of attributing our personal desires to God’s plans for us.

At any rate, if God wants both of you to be an item, He would find away out of this traditional thing. Unlike you, God would make it a confrontation but would do it so effortlessly without anybody in your village or family knowing or having any issues about it.

This is provided God made you both an item. Then leave the fight for God by taking it to Him personally in prayers. He is the only one that has the powers to change things to suit His plans for His people. To fight this battle on your own is to invite the entire village to banquet. There is no way you can adequately feed the entire people of the village without incurring the wrath of some very powerful forces.

While you and your partner pray, also seek the help of your ministers to help stand gap for you. If at the end of the day, God insists there is no way, please do the right thing and let her go. God would provide you with someone better to make you happier in life. But, if He says yes, surrender everything to Him, so He can do a perfect job to the glory of His name. This battle is best fought on your knees in prayers and not through violence or unnecessary stubbornness.

Good luck.

Please Exorcise Me Of Success Sorcerers

Dear Agatha,

I was born in 1965, married and blessed with three boys and a girl. Financially, however, I am not very buoyant. My dream in life is to be financially happy.

Even when I fast and pray for money, something comes up to take it away, making me to borrow from friends.

I am confused. I need your advice. Please help me.

Jerome.

---

Dear Jerome,

We all dream of financial prosperity but most times, we are limited by our lack of vision as well as spiritual problems.

Prayer and fasting can lead to breakthrough, spiritually and physically, if we know what to pray for and how to act on the visions we are given by God. But in a situation where we are even unable to focus on the obvious and remote causes of our problems or hold on to our God given visions, it becomes difficult for anybody to achieve anything positive in life.

Results to prayers cannot be achieved in vacuum. It has to be anchored on substance for it to work. If all you have done all these while is to pray and fast on something that has no character or substance, chances of you getting the results you want are nil.

Your lack of focus could also be the reason something keeps coming to take whatever money comes your way. This is because you only asked God to give you money; you didn’t tell Him what you need the money for and since the money isn’t tied to specifics, the devil has a way of coming up from behind to take it away.

So begin the process of transforming your life as well as breaking the circle of non-achievements by doing a re-appraisal of your entire life. Beyond having financial success, what have you passionately wanted to do in life? Do you ever hope to achieve success as a businessman, attain the height in your professional calling? Or are you one of those who think money is the only way to success and happiness?

There is no way you can achieve anything positive in your business if all you think is money. Before money comes, there must be a hunger and dedication towards hard work and recognition in your area of strength.

How much have you invested in your dreams for success to come your way? How much do you believe in your dreams? Do you measure the success of your dreams in terms of the money it brings in for you or the amount of satisfaction you get from doing it?

You can only begin to complain about spiritual problem if you focus your dream on the right path. There is no way you can gauge your progress without first viewing it alongside your set targets.

In terms of other achievements, how you would rate yourself? You see it is often easy for us to tag ourselves as failures if, like you, we are myopic about our needs and expectations in life. There are some people who don’t have what you have, a family. You are not complaining about your children constantly being in hospital requiring you to give some huge sums of money for life-threatening diseases or conditions. You are also not saying you are unable to look after your family resulting in your wife leaving you.

That you aren’t asking God why He allows your children to suffer needlessly or giving you a wife who isn’t supportive is only because your problems are superficial. Your only concern is financial wealth. For this reason, you should be thanking God for His mercies and not looking for faults in those things God hasn’t done for you.

Doubtless, God is one of financial prosperity but without the right measure of faith, attitude, sacrifices and dedication to work, this sort of prosperity remains a mirage.

It would do you a world of good to first acknowledge that God has prospered you more than one way. There are men your age who pray to have the type of family you have, children to call them daddy, and a woman to call wife.

These are the types of people whose foundations ensure they leave this world the same way they came or experience one moment of peace and happiness.

However, this is not to say something isn’t wrong somewhere. What line of business or work are you into? How much satisfaction do you derive from it? There is no way you can have spiritual fulfillment from doing a job if you are always struggling to execute a business out of want of a better thing to do.

You must first align yourself spiritually with whatever you are doing to achieve success. What most people don’t realise is that if one is in tune spiritually with one’s choice of career or business, no matter how little the monetary returns are, the value of such money often beats the imagination. God is a spirit that dwells in an atmosphere to peace and happiness. If your life is a struggle in terms of your career or business, please go to God in prayers to help direct you at what you are doing wrong.

Move or change when God has shown you what you should do if serious about achieving success in what you are doing because delay would further bring about frustration.

But God’s commandment only works if you have the faith to trust Him with your life and happiness. There is no success or prosperity without sacrifices as well as moments of planting. These times are usually dry and call for pure hard work. Unless you have a vision to succeed, the difficult times may want to make one quit but persistence and patience always bring one to the Promised Land. The wilderness experience is not meant for you to grumble but one to surrender everything to God without reservation.

However, if this problem persists, then something may be wrong with your foundation. Because there is no divorcing one’s foundation from one’s fate in life, look around everybody in your family. What is common to all the men? Are they also struggling to make an impact in their lives, choices of careers or businesses like you seem to be?

If the pattern runs similar, investigate when it all started and how those whose fortune seems to be brighter were able to rise above it. The good thing about foundational problems is the available information regarding the genesis of a family’s problem. So the information is always there for you to pick up.

Others may not have been able to do much with the information but given your knowledge of God, you can free yourself as well as all your siblings if you directly seek the help of God on the matter. Sometimes some of the things we see in our dreams and regard as foolish are actually signposts pointing us at the source of our problems.

Even a lot us are innocent victims of many of the foundational burdens we carry around, we are made to suffer all the same due to the havocs and spiritual damage our forefathers did in their time. Many of them went into highly occult practices with consequences, which only the grace of God can erase completely from the lineage. If this is your situation, asking for the mercy of God, no amount of prayers or deliverances can help you. You must first belief completely in the superiority of God through Jesus Christ over all other powers as well as the confidence that through His unconditional mercies you are healed.

This type of prayers requires complete devotion and boldness to execute. It also entails patience as well as absolute dependence of God’s leadership. The moment you allow impatience or your own situation challenge whatever partnership you enter into with God, it may be a little bit difficult to get the results you want. This is because foundational problems simply don’t disappear in a day. Depending on how powerful the spirits one’s ancestors have stirred up, it may take a while for their influences to be eradicated completely.

Foundational problems are also best tackled by the entire family because your wife or children too may also have some negative spiritual affiliations determined to stifle the progress of the family.

It could also come from your own character and relationship with others. Are you honest? Have you ever cheated anybody in your life so much so you caused someone to suffer needlessly and innocently? Think if you have done that, best you make peace with such a person.

Another reason some people experience difficulties in their lives has to do with the type of houses they live. Some houses are notorious for depriving occupants of luck. How long have you lived in your present house? When did you begin to notice your situation? Did it begin when you packed into your present accommodation? Ask your pastors to come and pray to be sure the house is not complicating things for you spiritually.

In resolving your issue, you have to allow yourself flow with the spirit of God, listening as well as accepting His directives without hesitations. Leaning on Him would give you focus on how to pray and what your plans in life should be.

So pray and fast for the right reasons not because you want financial prosperity alone. To do this is to leave yourself opened to the manipulative powers of the devil, as your faith in God is conditional.

Good luck.

Lonely Heart

Dear Agatha,

I am a 35-year-old graduate of Ibo origin, still single. I request for a woman who is employed, educated and a Christian for marriage. She must be resident in Lagos, could come from any tribe and ready for marriage. An interested lady should call me on this number, 0809-824-3388.

I am a businessman based in Lagos.

Kleen

He Left Me In The Lurch… Now Back Begging

Dear Agatha,

I really enjoy reading you. Keep up the good job. I am currently in a state of confusion over a recent development in my life.

In 2006, a man proposed to marry me; I accepted. And so, we went through the ritual of getting our parents consents. Our both parents gave their blessings to the planned union.

However, after the death of my father in 2007, he changed dramatically, refusing to call or even answers my calls. Eventually I have no choice but to accept the obvious and go on with my life.

To my dismay, he started sending his brother to be, since January this year, begging me to please forgive him and come back to him. Though he has not made any appearance personally, I am afraid to consider his request through his brother because I don’t want to be hurt again.

The most painful thing about all these is that I still love him. I have never stopped loving him. What should I do?

Lizy.

---

Dear Lizy,

Love is one of the most difficult to understand sentiments on earth. It makes fool of otherwise rational people and also enables the heart to forgive anything.

Your dilemma is what you feel deep inside of you for this man. It would never stop aching until you confront and deal with it once and for all.

Doubtless, this man has offended and hurt you. If nothing else he should have told you why he didn’t want to see you again.

But there are certain experiences in life that goes beyond the ordinary that requires absolute wisdom to resolve.

Something must have made him come back to you just like something made him behave the way he did. Almost two years of staying away, he has certainly realised that whatever reasons he had for leaving you were no longer valid. Most times, we don’t realise how priceless a person is until we are almost losing that person for life.

Give him a chance to explain, while you give yourself a chance to see and hear him out. It would be wrong to assume that he is guilty simply because he walked away. His reasons may have to do with your behaviour or attitude towards him.

Often than not when things of this nature happen, it is easier for us to conveniently heap the blame on everybody but ourselves. To help you understand all the issues at stake, what did you complain mostly about when the two of you were still together? Can you remember? Can you be honest enough to admit your mistake too?

What support did your father give him to make him lose faith in you when he died? Can you think of the relationship between your father and him? What role did he play at your father’s death or more specifically, what role did you give him to play at funeral? Was there any incident at the burial to make him feel you may have somebody else outside him? Did he at anytime complain about any particular man in your life and who come to your father’s funeral?

How did your friends react to the news of your impending marriage then? How many of them were ready to marry at the time you wanted to? What about your cousins? How well do you know your cousins? Were they supportive or jealous of you? Were they close to your man? Can you remember their reactions to the news that he has walked away as your man? In retrospect, do you think any of these people could have fibbed on you, told him some secrets you shared with any of them or outright lies against you?

Thinking of all these possibilities would make the meeting with him easier to handle and manage. Yes, there may have been the possibility that he left you for another woman but it would be in the interest of your relationship if you look at other possibilities yourself.

This treatise would also help you wash away some of the very bitter bile of the last months because it would assist in giving you a better understanding into some of the possible reasons he took the decision he took.

You must also consider why you have been unable to fall out of love with him despite the extent of pains he inflicted on you emotionally. What qualities about him have you been trying to forget over the years but which have made it impossible for another man to take his place? Hurt beclouds but doesn’t totally eclipse the reason for certain thing. How much happiness did he give you in those days while you were with him?

And from what his brother has said, what do you perceive could have been the problem? At least his brother must have explained why he walked out on you in 2007. What have you deduced from all that his brother has said?

Frankly, you need such memories to help you handle this matter with the wisdom and maturity it deserves. If you allow the current tides persist, you may never be able to forgive him sufficiently to take him back, so in your own interest, don’t discuss this with any of your friends or family members until you have had a chance to talk personally with him.

The danger of discussing with your friends or family is the pressure they would apply on you in sympathy and anger not to take him back given the hurt and pains they saw you go through. Like I said earlier, love is foolish and in most cases, one plus one doesn’t end up as two. Love is never simple, it is so complicated that each pattern if not carefully threaded can disfigure the entire work, but which ironically gives the entire frame its unique character.

There is no discussing love without talking about pains, sacrifices, forgiveness, and new beginnings. For love to be a masterpiece, it has to come with history and some painful processes. You cannot talk of true love without moments of sacrifices.

Understandably he has hurt you as well as bruised your pride as a woman but where there is love, there is always ways as well as determination. That he has realised his mistake and willing to do anything to have you back is an evidence of his love for you. He is aware of the commotion as well as the mess he left behind hence his decision to send his harbinger of peace. If he weren’t remorseful, he won’t send his family member to first plead on his behalf. There is no way he would involve his brother in this matter if he hasn’t given it proper consideration as well as the seriousness it deserves.

Not many men have that humility to come back to their vomit. Some would rather suffer lifelong regrets than beg to be forgiven for an action like this. Giving him a chance would not take anything away from you.

Having survived him for almost 24 months, you can still do without him if you aren’t convinced about his reasons for hurting you or coming back for that matter. But the thoughts of what could have been would forever hunt you if you fail to give him audience now, at least to explain. You will never be able to trust any man again or allow yourself to fall in love the way you deserve if you don’t properly mop up all the primary and secondary issues involved in this relationship. It is only when a case-file has a bold X sign written across its cover that it could be deemed closed. You don’t finish reading a book by stopping right on the middle of the story. You have to read up to its last sentence to finish it completely.

His emergence again in your life means you have an unfinished business together. So irrespective of how much the memories hurt or make you uncomfortable, brace up to solving it once and for all. You are no longer a teenager that can afford the luxury of walking away from a relationship without looking back. Womanhood is also about the ability to embrace emotional challenges with every dignity they deserve.

It would also help you to remember that this is your life, your happiness and fulfillment as a woman. Nobody can give you happiness the way you can give it to yourself. Sometimes it takes experiences like this to erase more serious problems in relationships. Having subjected your relationship to this challenge, he would be careful over matters he would ordinarily have reacted violently to.

Tell his brother you want to see him since he is the only one you have business with and in your interest, give God the chance to lead both of you into what He has planed for your lives.

Good luck.

Shyness Mocks My Ability To Make Friend

Dear Agatha,

I enjoy your column and love the way you help people. I hope you can help me too. I am a final year law student, who will be 22 years come April.

My problem is that due to my shyness as well as my strict up bringing, I haven't been able to make friends, except in school. I wonder if you could help me.

Adaeze.

---

Dear Adaeze,

There is no magic about making friends. That you have been able to nurture friends through school; it means you have what it takes inside of you to be friends. The only thing you haven’t been able to do is to take your friendships out of the school settings.

Friendship is essentially about having something in common. You and these colleagues of yours have something that binds. Look at who among them you would love to have as a friend. Chances are that most of them would have loved to change the status of your association to something more fundamental but seem to be scared by the invisible wall you appear to have unconsciously erected between you and others around.

You have to bring down the wall you have erected to make it easier for those wishing to be friends with you to cross over. It is called meeting people midway. It simply takes a simple sentence like ‘how are you’? What a nice outfit or smile you have got to change the status of friendship from causal to something more enduring.

Friendship understands that we all have needs for each other at every point in our lives. It is also about being sincere, unconditional in our relationship, loyalty as well as patience to ignore. To be a good friend, you have to learn first to be a friend to yourself. When you know how to treat yourself right, you will learn how to treat and respect your friends.

Good luck.

Craving For Exam Success But Not As Cheats

Dear Agatha,

I am 16 years, still in SSS 2 as a student. My problem is that I have classmates who cheat to pass their examinations, while I don’t cheat but end failing the exams.

I am confused. Do I take to cheating to pass like all my classmates or continue to endure the humiliation of failure because I abhor cheat?

David.

---

Dear David,

Don’t allow your situation push you into something you don’t want, and which would bring shame to your family. That your friends are doing it and getting away with it doesn’t make it right. After a while, it would become a way of life for them and overtime would become obvious to discerning minds that they lack the intellect to defend whatever certificates they are parading. I am sure you want to be able to defend whatever grades you make.

Trust me, your F grades have more honour than the A grades they parade. Even though they don’t make you happy or smile, you have dignity in your ability. You can hold your head high among them knowing that your results reflect your true ability and tell you areas to put more concentration.

The lesson from your failures is simply for you to do well and not to encourage you to cheat like all your friends. In life, there is no shame in failing; the wise use the opportunity of such falls to stand again, to refocus on the essential things of life. Only the unwise allow the pains of failures to bar further attempts to rise.

You must be determined to pass on your own merit. And you can only achieve this by reading and studying your books, with passion and interest.

To help you understand why you are failing your examinations, think of why you cannot seem to retain anything you are taught or you read? Is the atmosphere at home conducive enough? Are you disturbed about something? What thoughts keep popping up in your mind while reading? You must realise that studying requires absolute concentration and faithfulness to yourself.

Therefore, you must ignore everything happening around you whenever you are reading. Passing your examinations should be the only thing on your mind, occupying your time at that time. Even if your home is in third world war, develop the steeliness of mind to ignore and concentrate on your studies.

At your age, it is very easy to get distracted by so many things. If your home isn’t the problem, peer influences could as well be. Having friends who believe in cheating their ways to pass examinations isn’t encouraging and could work against taking your studies more serious.

This is because the natural spirit of positive competition is absent between you and your friends; hence you have nobody among your classmates to stimulate you to optimum performance.

But if you see your education as your passport to greater things in life and passing on your own without help or cutting corners as your credibility test, you will learn to apply yourself more to your education through proper prioritisations.

One thing you should get very clear is, irrespective of the general norm that acquisition of knowledge never goes out of fashion, and it isn’t always true in all cases. Primary and secondary school education have time frames attached to them. If you don’t concentrate more efforts at passing your examinations now, few years down the road, all zeal would have been lost because this is still the uniformed stage of education. You need to pass this stage credibly well to get to the stage of liberty.

All you have to do is to plan your time. Right from the beginning of the term, begin to create time for revision, for you to go through your class work. The first months may be difficult for you but after a while, you will get it right. Don’t wait till examination day before you read. Also avoid cramming, instead study to understand. This way it would be easy to put what you have read down in your own words. More often than not students run into problems when they want to impress teachers by giving them back ‘word for word’ what they were taught in class.

Answering questions in your words shows that a lot of time went into preparing for the examinations. The absolute subjects like Mathematics, you must however concentrate efforts on them, so that you will grab the idea well.

Being an average student, concentrate not on getting all A grades, but average grades to get you going.

This may take a while but at the end, you will begin to pass your exams effortlessly. And what more, your friends would be forced to acknowledge you because unlike them, they know that yours is through hard work and not cheating.

Good luck.

Life Too Bitter, Better Life In Grave

Dear Agatha,

This might sound stupid, childish and unserious but I am tired and ready to take my life. You may wonder that a person, who says she is tired of life and ready to take it, is only making noise but should simply commit suicide.

For a very long time, I have tried so hard to fight this urge but it has overwhelmed me, now. I no longer have control over it. The urge is now very strong that I may not be able to resist anymore.

The reason I had not done it long ago is because of my son, whom I raised as a single parent. He is now a teenager and I have come to the realisation that without me he would live after all. And that if I had died while giving birth to him, he would still have lived after all. Honesty, I no longer see anything to live for.

I have been so unfortunate that whatever I do even with the purest intentions still turns out negative for me. Due to lack of peace and love in my home, I left after secondary school to stay with an uncle. I was then repeatedly sexually abused by a family friend and subsequently left all by myself to be the father and mother to the child.

I am now in my mid 30s and it seems no man is interested in me even though, many people say I am nice, reserved and all that.

Recently, I invested about N2 million in buying shares given to me in trust by a friend. I was meant to keep the money on her behalf for about a year until she returns to Nigeria. I felt that leaving such money in the bank without investing it wasn't wise hence decided to invest it on stocks early last year to make little money for myself in the process. Unfortunately, before I knew what was happening, stocks began to fall. I had to eventually sell the stock which I bought N2 million at just N600,000. My friend will arrive the country in two months time, and I still have a difference of N1.4 million worth balance to pay.

All my life, I have never had more than N200,000 at a go, but now in a debt of N1.4m. Even if I have to give her my entire salary for three years, it would not make up the money. Most painfully, I would have lost the confidence and trust of a dear friend. What is more, nothing seems to be working for me.

The words of Wole Soyinka keeps resounding into my ears that "there is no where as absolute as the grave."

Freda.

---

Dear Freda,

Agreed you were very wrong to have invested money entrusted to you without the permission of the friend who gave you the money in trust. But there is no changing the fact that you have done it which makes one thing very clear, you cannot undo the decision or the events that led to the turmoil in the stock market.

What would you gain killing yourself? Even if your child was conceived in rape, the fact remains he is your child, one you have assumed responsibility, and albeit, single handedly since birth. Killing yourself would only deprive him of a motherly love but leave him totally defenceless, without hope in life.

This is the time he needs his mother the most, the time you need to be there to offer him protection from himself, to explain that the changes inside of him doesn't have to affect him negatively. And to ensure that whatever mistake or mess you and your parents made out of your life, he doesn't go through the same process.

Of what use would all your sacrifices be if at this crucial time you kill yourself over a situation you cannot change?

Do you think you are being fair to your son or friend for that matter? You haven't even given this friend the opportunity to react before assuming she would condemn you. She had a choice to have taken the money to the bank before leaving. That she trusted you with such an amount shows she knows you more than you do yourself and sees something you don't see in your person.

You would be doing her a great injustice to assume you know how she would feel if you tell her about this money. There is no contesting the fact that she would feel bad all right, but not enough to want you dead if she has the confidence to give you such an amount to hold for her.

Even though you should have asked permission to use that money, knowing your financial state, she may have given you the money fully aware that you would trade with it and make some money for yourself. So this piece of news may not come to her unexpectedly. The only bit of news may be the loss of the investment not necessarily your decision to invest the money.

You may have lost the confidence of a good friend and the money, don't make the mistake of adding your self-confidence to your list of losses. Your son would never be able to forgive and God definitely would not too for taking a life that you didn't create. The life you are about to take belongs to God and any attempt to take it means confronting God in a duel of wits. You cannot tell him when to end your life; He is the only one with such awesome authority.

To say the truth, you are only using the excuse of this loss to mask the real reason you want to end your life. If you are honest, it comes from the frustration of what you think your life has become.

You think life has been so unfair to you but it is only because you have refused to give life a good fight spiritually. Except for a very few, life isn't fair to anyone. Those who succeed in life are those who look at life straight in the face without blinking. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and do what you have to do to create your own happiness. You cannot continue to blame your parents, the father of your child or everyone else for your own failure. Yes, these experiences may have some effect but the wise use such experiences to make successes of their lives not to drain their lives of value.

What you are doing is simply to give all those who contributed to whom you are now reason to laugh and mock you, to justify their treatment of you. Ending your life would further confirm what they have always thought of you, a complete failure. Or are you indeed a failure? Don't you think you have enough to live for? Even if you have given up on your own dreams in life, have you also given up on your son? Don't you have the belief that through him you can make it and be fulfilled?

You don't have the patent for these types of pains; ask people around, behind some happy faces around you are worst stories and bitter experiences. But they are happy today because unlike you, they refused to be defeated by life challenges.

If you end your life on account of your current travails, you would go down as a manufacturer's waste but if you elect to fight, you would end up as a manufacturer's masterpiece, and one that has come to give courage and light to so many people. Face your friend with the truth. She cannot kill you. Though she would definitely be disappointed at you and the loss of the money but it would blow over eventually. Time ensures that.

Call her before she comes back and tell her everything to prepare her for what to expect. Also pray to God for His interventions in your life.

You need Him now more than ever before. He is the only one that has the powers to reach and heal you where it is hurting the most. With Him, you can experience a re-awakening to a beautiful and fulfilling life. It would happen if you trust Him and are determined to make something out of your life despite what life presents you now.

Good luck

Age Difference, My Uncle’s Objection Of Her Disturb Me

Dear Agatha,

There is this girl I love very much who left her former boy friend because of differences in morals and decency between them. We have dated for one year. I am 30 years of age and she is just 19, a 100-level student in a university.

She comes from a morally and financially stable family. Her dad stays abroad while her mother and her other siblings are in Nigeria. Her father is making concerted efforts to make her further her education.

In anticipation of this, we have discussed what becomes state of our relationship should she travel abroad. She promised to be faithful to me pending when I am able to join her. And that if she eventually stays back in Nigeria, I would have to be patient for her to finish both her education and the compulsory national youth service before we can get married.

Initially the mother wasn’t comfortable about our age and educational differences but later reconsidered her stance on the matter. Her father hasn’t been told about our relationship.

My problem is fear of her changing her mind while abroad or in school in Nigeria because of distance and time and what the dad might say of the differences between us when he gets to know. Thirdly, my uncle is insisting I cannot marry her because he considers her not a very prayerful person like we are in our church.

Agatha what do I do as I don’t want to lose her. I am a banker.

Omoboy.

---

Dear Omoboy,

At 30 you are more than old enough to know what you want. Having dated her for more than a year, you are in the best of positions to know if she is the right woman for you or not. Besides the issue of her being able to pray as you do in your church isn’t an issue at all.

Since you can pray, there is nothing stopping you as the head of the home from teaching her how to pray properly. This falls squarely within your jurisdiction as a couple and not the business of your uncle to disqualify her on that account. What matters most are the moral credentials she parade. Some women are very serious prayer warriors but lack the other ingredients that give a man complete happiness at home.

No two people will ever have the right attitude towards prayers. It is often a case of our partner having more thirst than the other. The balance comes from the willingness of both of them to help and learn from the other.

As for the father not supporting your relationship, it is expected given the age differences between the two of you but once you and your woman know what you both want, he would have no choice after a while to support your relationship.

The major obstacles are you and your partner. How long can you afford to wait for her? Would you have the patience and trust to wait for her to complete her education as well as finish serving before you marry her? Given the fact that you are already working and in a good place too, would you be able to withstand the pressures from family and friends after a while? Would you also be able to after a while to withstand the emotional torture of seeing your friends all settled while you are still waiting for your woman to finish? At 19, she is still young and in need of her independence to explore her youth as well enjoy a certain percentage of freedom before she finally bids it a complete good-bye. Do you have the patience and maturity to understand this need in her; that at her age a certain kind of rebellion might arise if anyone tries to impede this thirst of freedom in her? Can you cope seeing her with her peers laughing and actually enjoying their company without you jumping at the wrong conclusion?

It takes more than love to handle a relationship such as yours. You in particular must at all times be above board, have sufficient trust in her as well as your commitments to each other not to hold on to the wrong end of the stick. You must avoid putting your relationship under undue pressures resulting from unfounded suspicions as well as lack of trust in her. This is very important if you are serious about not losing her. The moment she perceives you as being unduly insistent on knowing everything she does as well as everything about her friends, she may rebel against you.

You must learn from this early beginning to trust her as well as her judgment. It is no for only now but for the future too. Being couple must not affect your individual dreams as well as the right of choice to some private thoughts and moments. You must learn to give her the freedom to be her own person if you want her to be happy or you to be happy for that matter. What she needs from you now is your trust and friendship.

When love crosses the borderline and becomes suffocating, it can destroy whatever chance of growth and fulfilments it offers the couple. She can only respect you if you learn to trust her with all your hearts. Your handling of difficult and inexplicable situations would go a long way in shaping her attitude towards you as well as your relationship even after marriage. If you develop the attitude of discussing things with her and asking for clarifications when in doubt, she would learn to be cautious, give information without resentment or bitterness.

Always have it at the back of your mind that the 11 years differences is for you to help her to mature without giving up her own dreams or feeling that you are rushing up into a situation she isn’t really prepared for. The problem that couples in your kind of relationship have is the woman feeling she is being rushed into a situation she isn’t ready for on account of the attitude of the man. While reminding her of her responsibilities to you, you must be careful not to make it obvious what you are doing.

On her part, she cannot afford to be too rigid about her timetable. Surely both of you can come to a reasonable agreement to marry once she finishes writing her final examination before she goes for her youth service. It is called compromise. None of you can afford to be too rigid. Like you, she must be willing to contribute her quota of sacrifice for the sake of the relationship. You have to make her understand your fears too. The way she handles this would go a long way in demonstrating her understanding of what a relationship entails as well as her own willingness to nurture this relationship to maturity. To be candid, it may prove to be the first major test to your relationship since it would expose individual weaknesses. Irrespective of the possibility of what could happen, still discuss it with her.

As for the fears of losing her to another man, it is a chance you must have to take for love. Losing her won’t be as a result of her age or the fact that she is still in school. It could come from either of you. She may discover that she isn’t as much in love as she thought or you discovering that you want something more which she isn’t ready to give.

Ultimately, trust your relationship to God. He is what counts the most at the end of the day.

Good luck.