Dear Agatha,
I am 21 years old. Sometime ago, I had a baby by my boyfriend who unfortunately, denied paternity of the child.
Since then it has been one problem or the other. Now my daughter is old enough to be left with someone but since my mother is still angry with me, I haven’t been able to go back to school.
Since the unfortunate incident of my pregnancy and birth of my daughter, I have been pleading with my mother but she has refused to accept my pleas. I am so confused. Please tell me what to do to make her forgive and accept me back.
Vanessa.
Dear Vanessa,
You must understand that your decision to get pregnant outside wedlock, not only disappointed your mother, but also hurt her pride as well as character as a mother.
The wish of every mother especially is to give away her daughter intact. Even if she isn’t a virgin, a daughter isn’t expected to get pregnant until the man in her life does the normal thing of paying her bride price. Getting pregnant in your mother’s house and while you are yet to complete your education presents to everybody as a girl of very low moral, whose mother did a very poor job of educating in the ways of proper morals. The fact that the man responsible for the baby even denied the paternity makes the shame of your mother more. With what you have done, your mother may not be able to stand with her head held high among other mothers for ever.
You not only deprived yourself of respect but your mother as well. She, it would be said by all and sundry, have done a very shoddy job of training her child irrespective of whatever efforts she may have put into bringing you up in the right way. Your actions called to question her qualifications as a mother.
By also getting pregnant before your time and to a man who denied you, you also caused so much disappointment in you. Like every mother, she had her dreams for you, looked forward to the day you would graduate, begin work and get married. Nowhere in her dreams for you did she think for one second, that you would reverse the order of things, have babies before going back to school.
Getting pregnant prematurely crashed her dreams in you. She might have been able to cope with it at the end of the day, but the denial of the pregnancy by the man who put you in the family way makes it too much for her to handle. What hurts her the most is her inability to vouch for your moral credibility. This maybe as a result of repeated warnings to you before this incident.
Her refusal to accept your apologies shows that you must have disappointed her one too many which may make her think it would be completely useless to give you another chance.
She is probably of the opinion that if your education were that important to you, you would have exercised caution and not jettisoned it to get pregnant. She thinks there is no point wasting money on your education when you have the welfare of a child to consider now.
Sincerely, it would take a while for you to get her to trust you again. And to be fair to her, going back to school should be the first thing now but the welfare and care of the baby.
The baby is your responsibility, not hers. If she accepts to send you to school again, whose duty would it be to fend for the baby? Do you also expect her to provide and care for the baby at the same time she is sponsoring you through school? She sent you to school in the first place to study and improve your life, not to become a premature mother.
So what happens to the child while you go to school? You have a responsibility to provide for the upkeep of this child. So the first thing and the only thing that would make your mother realise that you are truly sorry is to find a job. This is what responsibility is all about. There is no way you can have your cake and eat it. You graduated yourself from her care when you thought yourself old enough to have the experience of activities reserved for responsible mothers. Having a baby has put you on the same pedestal in life as your mother.
Forgiveness doesn’t come in vacuum; you must work for it. Her change of mind would come from the actions you now take. The time has long gone for her to trust your words alone, she now needs proof that you have changed. Getting a job and signifying your intentions to live up to your responsibility to your child would more than any word can say tell her that you are indeed sorry and willing to conform to laid down rules.
It would tell her that you are now willing to own up to your mistakes in life and that you are not planning on abdicating your responsibilities for her to clean after you.
Just as it would tell you that you have learnt so much from your experiences and willing to contribute your share to the growth of the family.
In addition, she must see from your general attitude towards life that your mistake has indeed left you a more focused person by also indicating your interest to pay your way from whatever money you make through school. By making it clear to her that you would not burden her by your mistake or pass on the duties of caring and providing for your child to her, I know it isn’t going to be easy but once you apply your mind to it, you will find it a lot easier to deal with.
You must understand the hidden fear of your mother. Accepting to send you back to school or tending for the baby isn’t so much of a problem but that of your attitude afterwards. Accepting you back without putting certain things in place or spelling out your limits would appear to be letting you off the hook lightly.
While she lacks the powers to turn back the hands of the clock, she has the responsibility and duty to ensure you don’t again find yourself in this type of situation. This is why she is being difficult and refusing to take you back. It is meant to make you think and be sober. And if your attitude is anything to go by, you still haven’t got a very clear picture of all the issues involved in the step you have taken.
Having a child has made you an adult irrespective of whether you are ready for it or not. You have to learn to act like someone’s mother not your mother’s daughter anymore. Your child needs you, your love, attention and time. No matter how loving and supportive your mother is, she cannot replace you in the life of your child. Like you expect your mother to be there for you, your child expects you to be there for her.
Good luck
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Dear Agatha,
ReplyDeleteI want to commend your advice to Vanessa. I hope she listens to what you told her.
At her age, I also had similar problems and thought my mother was being unnecessarily difficult after I gave birth to my son whose father also rejected.
When my mother refused to listen to my pleas, I didn’t push my luck because in my mother’s eyes I saw pains and disappointment. I hadn’t written my West African School Certificate Examinations when the senior prefect got me pregnant. I was then in form four. He didn’t want to accept responsibility for the child so denied having anything to do with me. I was devastated because my conduct almost ruined my mother’s marriage. She had to pack to stay with her mother when my father and his family heaped the entire blame of my misadventure on her.
As a result of this, she also refused to have anything to do with me and refused me staying with her in my grandparents’ home. Her younger brother took me in but since he wasn’t married, he didn’t know how to cope with the baby and me. But he stood by me through those dark days footing my bills as well as providing for the baby and me.
A year after, I thought the dust had settled with my mother back at her matrimonial home but she refused to have anything to do with me. I wanted to go back to school but since my mother wasn’t ready to support me, I decided to work to earn back my respect.
It was tough going everywhere with my baby but seeing how much I was determined to work, refusing even the help of my uncle and grandparents, she and my father eventually agreed not only to take over the care of the baby but also sponsor my education. By then I had struggled to sit for my General Certificate of Examinations with my baby always strapped on my back in the examination hall.
I recall severally breastfeeding the baby while struggling to meet up with the time allowed for each paper.
Through that period, I matured to appreciate why my mother was very disappointed at me. I made my papers in flying colours to the surprise of everyone.
It was at that point my parents stepped in. According to my mother, it was an evidence of my regrets as well as determination not to make the mistake again.
Until you give her reason to help, like Agatha said, she won’t help you. She has to be convinced of your complete reformation to help you carry the burden.