My husband has two children outside our home

Share a problem With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

My marriage is nine years old. I have been very lucky with my career. While a lot of my colleagues in the banks had their careers terminated; mine kept flourishing so much so I am now a branch manager in out of the A-list banks.

The money I make is enough to feed my family and keep the children in one of the best schools in town. Though my husband works, but his salary as a top civil servant is nothing to write home about. Therefore, I have to provide most of the things at home.

Also the demands of my job give me very little time with my family; a fact my husband understands. There is no way I can be a manager and still have time to prepare my children for school, cook and clean the house. Since his job isn’t as demanding as mine, we agreed he should assist with ensuring the children are ready by the time the school bus comes for them.

It isn’t as if he baths them; there are two house-helps in the house I pay to cover up my lapses.

Although I go to work on Saturdays, I try to come home early when I don’t have a social function.

For a long time my husband kept complaining about my unavailability at home and in his life as my husband.

No matter how hard I tried to explain to him that my job left me exhausted and unable to make love when he desired it; he would always complain.

At a time, I stopped trying to make him understand and actually packed to our guest room to give me peace at home.

To be honest, I can’t remember when he stopped complaining about my job or not having enough of my company. Also the fact that I have been busy trying to keep my job in the face of threats presented by the ailing economy and competition presented by the retrenchment of very good hands in other banks, I lost account of the last time we made love.

Honestly Agatha, I love my husband and prayed ours would be a happy home. But I have evidence that my husband has another woman who recently gave him a set of twins. She is also a civil servant. I went there to confirm and found it to be true. What pains me the most is the role of my mother-in-law in the development. She was there at the naming ceremony of the babies, despite everything I do for her.

When my husband learnt I went to see the other woman; he warned me never to attempt it again. He actually threatened to end our marriage if I ever do that again.

Now he hardly comes home or talks to me. I love him and want my husband back home. I’m trying to change; come home early and stay at home on weekends but he is never around. What do I do? Or do I just divorce him since he now has another woman in his life?

Ireti.

Dear Ireti,

In his shoes, what would you have done? Continue to endure the deprivation, neglect and humiliation of your spouse?

What kind of money and career were you looking for that made you so neglectful of your home? Are those house-helps you employed for your home his wife or mother of his children? Were you also expecting them to share his bed, tender to all his emotional needs in addition to the jobs you specified for them? How come you now have the time to stay at home when you never did; when your job appeared to be the only thing that drove your passion as a woman?

Now that you have realized his usefulness to your life; you want him back? As what? A hen-pecked husband? The kind you bring out of the cupboard at your convenience? What manner of love does this to a man?

It doesn’t work like that. Life gives you back what you invest into it. There is no amount of money that will ever be enough to buy happiness and peace of mind.

You were too busy to notice your importance in your home; the advantage of being married and having your man to yourself. The excuse that you were busy building your career doesn’t work because women before you who occupied that position, you prided above your home; managed to balance their acts.

Being a career woman doesn’t mean a woman must have a broken home or unable to subject herself to the governorship of her husband.

The reason God gave women the special gift of being able to multi task is in realization of our importance to our homes.

Unless you want to completely lose your husband to this other woman; you have to stop nagging and create time for everything that makes your man happy. You also have to make up your mind about those things that are of importance to you now that you have another woman to deal with in his life.

If you think it is going to be easy to get him back, you are wrong because in your nine years as his wife, you have given him no pleasant reason or memory to want to make him remain with you.  So, it is going to take a huge miracle to make him come back to you fully.

Your mistake was making it appear that, because of the money you were making from your job; you were only enduring the marriage. In addition you also made it clear to him that you went below your level by marrying a poor civil servant. No matter the position of a man; he remains the head of his home; to treat him otherwise is to cause a dislocation in the home.

The impudence with which you conducted yourself throughout this marriage has become your albatross now that you want him back. What were you expecting him to do when you left him in the cold? If you cannot even remember the last time you and your husband made love all because of your so called career, then it tells of the kind of wife you have been to him.

What woman packs from the master bedroom into the guestroom and also makes it difficult for her husband to gain access to her body? A woman may earn all the money in the world but she will never be the man; the reason he can get away with having children outside his home and you, struggling to awake the embers of a fire you thoughtlessly poured water into.

You are lucky he had the discipline not to have slept and impregnated your house-helps. Another man with less discipline would have and dared you to make noise about it.

If you want him back, you have to first ask yourself what is important to you as a woman and mother. If he agrees to come back, what are you willing to offer him? Are you prepared to give up your career for him and the children? Also you have to factor the presence of the other woman and her children into all these. If the other woman has the support of the mother, she has come to stay; a situation you unfortunately helped to create.

This isn’t just about you and your husband anymore; your efforts must incorporate the other woman who whether you like it or not has become your mate. Do you have that special grace to share your husband with another woman? This isn’t time for idealistic solutions; you have to be very realistic about this.

If you don’t have the stomach to share him at all, be honest with yourself so you don’t complicate things for your children in the long run because they are the ones that would forever remain in the family.

Besides, it isn’t always wise for a woman to be the one to end the marriage, because it is one decision she will forever carry the blame.

Since your husband hasn’t said anything about ending the marriage, I suggest, you continue to make the efforts of making the marriage work; at least if not for yourself but, for your children who will not be able to enjoy the presence of their father as they used to.

By now, it should be clear to you that they remain your most priceless gifts.

Go around his family members, including his mother and friends to bring both of you to the discussion table. Cry, apologise and beg him for everything you have done wrong. It may not give you instant result but if you persist and patient, things will work out between the two of you eventually.  No matter what your options are, it is important you both talk about the future of your marriage.

Also, resist the urge to go to the other woman’s domain again. She had nothing to do with the situation that drove your husband out of your arms and home. You did that all by yourself so don’t complicate things by looking for a scapegoat.

Finally, go on your knees for a humble spirit. Your pride went before your fall.

Good luck.