She has become a stranger

With Auntie Agatha

gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

In the last couple of years, I don’t know what has come over my wife of 14 years. She used to be mild tempered, always ready to please me even when not auspicious for her.

Back then she lived to please me. However something happened about five years ago when I capitulated to my mother’s pressure to get another woman pregnant all because my wife couldn’t give me a male child.

Unfortunately, the woman too produced two girls forcing my mother to give up. 

I was out of the country when my mother without informing me took the other woman and her children to my house. 

My wife in her characteristic manner didn’t fight or alerted me of the development at home. She waited for me to come. I was very angry with her, my mother and the other woman.

Despite knowing that I was being fair on her given the shock of her discovery, I went ahead and called her all sorts of names-including being stupid.

Something obviously snapped inside of her immediately I said that. She slapped me so hard I lost my balance momentarily. When I made to slap her back, she grabbed the side stool and would have hit in on my head but for the quick intervention of my mother and the other woman.

By the time she was through for that day, my mother and the other woman decided to leave for Ijebu that very day. 

Since I wasn’t ready to marry the other woman, she didn’t go with the children. 

Although, she took the children in, didn’t complain or treat them differently from her own but, she changed dramatically from that day. She does only what she wants and now what I want. As God would have it, we had a son on the 1^st of January this year.

During the naming ceremony when my mother made to take the baby, she refused and only agreed to give the baby to my father.

Since having that child, she has further transformed to a complete stranger. She nags me when I make any observations, doesn’t talk except I initiate a discussion. 

She stays mostly in her bedroom with the children.

I don’t know what else to do to bring back the woman I married. I love her so much and miss the loving and caring woman deep inside her. 

I hate the coldness of her eyes these days.

What do I do?

Bamidele.

Dear Bamidele,

Given the kind of things you have done to her, you say you don’t know what has come over her? What do you expect from a woman you and your family betrayed in such a cruel manner? If she were your sister or daughter, what would have been your reactions to what you and your mother did to her? Would you have been happy seeing your sister or daughter in the condition you and your mother planned for her?

Be truthful to yourself: would you still have reckoned with her as your wife if the other woman had produced a male child? I’m sure your mother would have driven her out of the house had that happened.

Her pains are manifold. In the first instance, having all daughters isn’t her making. A man influences the gender of the child he gets. You are the one with the X and Y chromosomes. What you give her, is what she produces.

In addition, you appear to have written off your daughters as failures. The gender of a child doesn’t determine the success of that child. Look around you; both men and women are making exploits in various fields of endeavors. Even if your mother had such myopic idea of what tomorrow holds, it was your duty to educate her on the usefulness of your daughters to you.

Of what use is a son who ends up as a tout, armed robber or ritualist to his family? What family wants its name associated with such a child? I’m sure your mother has daughters too. Would she be happy if another woman does to her daughter what she did to your wife?

If it were that easy, why didn’t she or the woman go with the children of the other woman? It takes a woman with a heart of gold to do what your wife is doing: looking after those children as her own.

Another woman would have thrown them out with their mother. She is doing that, inspite of the way you treated  her because of her love and respect for you.

She isn’t talking to you because you have not done the right thing. You offended her hence must do everything to apologise to her properly.

Infact, your whole family owes her an apology.

Not apologising is like sweeping massive dirt under the carpet. In other families, your in-laws would have demanded for apology at the way their daughter was treated by you and your mother.

What you did is a severe breach of trust. You not only humiliated her, but also betrayed her in the worst way any man can be disloyal to a woman. You got another woman pregnant not once but twice. What if she didn’t give you a child at all? Worst still, you didn’t have the guts or decency to inform her.

She only got to know when your mother unfeelingly brought the other woman and the children, evidence of your betrayal of your marriage vows to her home.

That was stretching her patience and love for you too far. The fact that she always went out of her way to please you, meant she wanted her home to succeed at all cost.

Another man would never have agreed to such plans from the mother. That you agreed could only mean one thing; your so called love for your wife is premised on having an heir to your name.

A man who marries for love wouldn’t mind if his wife is able to give him children or not.

For this reason, you need to bring your mother and other members of your family to make restitution to your wife. The agenda should be to beg for forgiveness so that you two can begin to live in peace and harmony again.

If possible, get the other woman too to come. She has no right to abandon the children for her. Even if you changed your mind about marrying her since she couldn’t give you the desired son, you should have discussed your desire to keep the children with your wife first.

She isn’t a nanny. She deserves respect.

I’m sure you wouldn’t have liked it if she had taken out her frustration and bitterness out on those children.

Truthfully, you are taking this woman far too much for granted. There are not many women  like her.

The deep wound inside of her can only begin to heal by not only begging her but changing your selfish attitude.

She has more than demonstrated her willingness to make this marriage work. You should also do the same by becoming her friend and offering her support around the house.

Her refusal to give the child to your mother shows she is very angry with your mother which is natural given the role your mother has played in your marriage. Your mother too has to come on her own, to beg your wife.

Importantly, be careful, your mother doesn’t destroy your home. Limit her to her husband’s home until your wife’s attitude thaws towards her.

Also, make it clear to the other woman, you don’t have anything whatsoever to do with her especially as the children are with you hence would appreciate her not calling or coming to the house with the excuse of wanting to see the children. If the children were of much value to her, she wouldn’t have readily abandoned them for another woman to look after.

It is only when your wife sees the efforts you are doing to make her happy; that she can smile again.

Above all, learn to pray with her. It is the only way to keep temptations at bay.

Good luck