Thursday, April 3, 2014

My husband has fertility problem


Share a problem With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626Dear Agatha, 
I got married three years ago. My husband and I have been trying for a child since then. There is no place I haven’t been to in my quest for a child. There is no medication; I haven’t taken in my bid to be a mother. Since women are always to blame for the absence of a child in a marriage, I didn’t bother my husband too much to accompany me for any medical test. 
 I just wanted to please him by having a baby. It wasn’t until I got introduced to my current doctor who insisted that for her to examine me, she must see my husband.  
 Then I pressured him to come with me to see the doctor. After series of medical examinations, she certified me fit but sent my husband for more tests. Finally, it was discovered that he has low sperm count hence was placed on certain drugs with the instruction that we should make love as frequently as possible.
  He was specifically told that meeting me during my ovulation period would enhance my chances of becoming pregnant. Since I didn’t want to deflate his ego, I wisely refused to discuss it with him especially as he didn’t bring it up.
  The first few months, he abided by the doctor’s instruction but after the third month, he went back to doing things his way. Sometimes, he won’t come near me for weeks and when he finally does, it is over in a few minutes. 
 When I tried to complain about the unfair way he was treating me, he flared up and accused me of conniving with the doctor to conceal my inability to give him a child; he described the diagnosis of the doctor that he has low sperm count as false and baseless. He promised to surprise me by impregnating another woman. 
 There was no name he didn’t call the doctor and I. Two months ago, I developed a very nasty itch in my private part; on examination, I was told I have a sexually transmitted disease.
  When I confronted my husband with the situation, he told me to do whatever pleases me that he has since lost interest in our marriage. He went on to ask what use is having a woman in the house who cannot give him a child? The pressure is too much and my close friends are urging me to go out of my marriage and get pregnant to keep my husband. 
 Although I have resisted so far but three weeks ago, I ran into an old friend and I am seriously contemplating dating him. I am so confused. 
Bisi


Dear Bisi, No matter the challenges you are going through in your present marriage, don’t fall into the temptation of playing in the field. It isn’t worth it.
You honestly have a good case now but once you decide to pay your husband back in his own coin, you end up being the loser.
No matter how permissive we have become as a people, certain things never change.
A married woman must be loyal to her vows. If a woman must play the field, she reserves the right to end her marriage which I am sure isn’t what you intend to happen in your marriage.
Whatever you are going through in your marriage isn’t strange. Every marriage has its share of crisis and upheavals. The difference between failure and success is the ability to endure difficult periods like this in a marriage.
Despite the behaviour of your husband, you must try to understand him; he is going through the worst kind of emotional crisis any man can go through in life. His reaction is a cry for help.
Being told that his chances of fathering a child is very slim on account of having low sperm count can’t be easy. It is easier to blame the woman for being the cause of childlessness in a marriage than the man. One thing men cherish the most is their viability.
And the usual thing is that since a man can sleep with a woman, he is considered hale and hearty; to be confronted with the knowledge that being able to have an erection doesn’t make a complete man of him needs getting used to. Your man is still in a severe state of shock. He needs all the time in the world to appreciate the issue before him.
Understandably, so many questions are currently cascading through his mind; the major one being doubt. Not many men know that ejaculating semen during lovemaking doesn’t mean they have healthy sperm.
A healthy sperm is the one with the force to make a woman pregnant. If a healthy man releases about 40 million and 1.2 billion sperm cells in a single ejaculation to get just one of the sperms to fertilise a ripe female egg, what chance does a man with low sperm count have to do the same job? Without him realising or admitting it, he needs you more than ever before.
He needs your strength as a woman to pull through this very difficult period in his life. Like fish out of water, he will fight at first until he has no strength in him. It is a matter of his pride and ego as a man you are dealing with here. Unless you are patient, there is no stunt he isn’t capable of pulling in his current state of mind.
This is his most vulnerable; when a designing and desperate lady can pin on him another man’s pregnancy. For a man looking for ways to prove the doctor wrong, his joy at being told he is responsible for a pregnancy will eclipse his sound rationality at least when it matters the most. For this reason, you have to know when to ignore him and pretend all is well.
That he brought home a Sexually Transmitted Disease underscores the kinds of women he is bringing into his life. With the tense situation between the two of you, don’t bother with him, go and get yourself treated immediately because to wait for him is to expose yourself to the consequences of secondary infection.
It is imperative you eliminate that first before informing him for his own well being that he has contacted an STD from one of his girlfriends.
Show him the receipt and medical report of your own infection from him and how much the treatment cost you. The fact that you deliberately refused to quarrel with him over the matter might make him apply the breaks and reconsider the sanity of his actions.
If he doesn’t, continue to ignore him and insist on a condom whenever he comes to you for lovemaking. Explain your insistence on the use of a form of protection; let him know it has nothing to do with your love for him but that of protecting your reproductive health and as well as general health from danger.
Sincerely only very few men would be calm on hearing this kind of verdict. Many men will do precisely what he is doing. But from experience, this kind of behaviour soon expires leaving them exhausted and calm.
Therefore you need to help him plan ahead; think of the many options both of you can explore as a couple as well as all the assurances of your love and support. No man wants the world to know about his inability in this area of life.
This is the kernel of his behaviour. As always, there is no challenge too great for God to overcome. Many men with low sperm count have recovered to father children after adhering strictly to recommended treatment.
He must be disciplined to overcome this challenge; this is where you should focus your prayers. If at the end of the day, he is still unable to father a child, both of you should consider the option of adopting one. The kinds of emotions, investment, time and love we invest in a child is what makes the difference.
The difference between a biological child and an adopted child is that one grows in the mother’s tummy while the other grows in the heart. Through reassuring him of your love and support, he will soon overcome this challenge.
Good luck.

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